Monday, November 26, 2007

Stressed and Tired

Wow, it's been ages since I added to this page, but it's been ages since I added anything over on my myspace account as well. I've not been well, and am off work. I'm just getting my head around to where it should be. I know that I should have perhaps been using this place and the other place to sort myself out, before getting into the situation I am in right now, but it just couldn't happen.

I've got to accept that at some point or other writing things down just isn't enough and I can't take everything that everyone wants from me. I've got to give myself some time to relax and to let go. I've not had the time to do that for a while and though I enjoyed Newcastle and came back feeling better than I had prior to that event, I've not really given myself any space since then. So I'm here now off work with stress and trying to sort my head out.

I will try and catch up on events that went prior to me being off work, but they will have to wait, I'm writing today to get myself back into the idea of writing. I had ignored these sites for a while, whilst everything got on top of me and if this is the step to help me sort myself out, then this is the first step back I guess.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

I'm Not Sorry

So here I am again, another post another day. If I was to describe the mood I'm in, I'd find it difficult to put an actual word to it. To best describe it with various words and an analogy I'd probably compare it to a autumnal/fall tree. Some of the leaves are still full of life and very green, whiles it's compatriots are in a state of decay and are various shades of yellows, reds and oranges.

To expand on that, part of me is full of life and am very happy, whilst other aspects of me are in the process of collapsing and everything I had during those long gone summer months seems to be close to falling off and leaving me. If that's confusing then I'm sorry, my mood is confusing me right now. Just as I get back on track I do something that further accelerates the decay of some of my better moods.

However, sanctuary may be on hand, something came to me about 30 minutes ago, something that I should have realised many weeks ago, in fact I did realise this weeks ago, but haven't been able to do anything about it. One of the things that I set about doing with the help of my councillor was to stop apologising for anything and everything even if I didn't need to say sorry. Perhaps I mentioned it in here, or over at my other blog place, but at Hoxton in September, I kept saying sorry on the second night for things I know I didn't do, but others put into my head I had. I felt bad about myself, I couldn't shake that off me, and I am here now after at least 2 melt downs since then.

Last night I came in from work (long story, which I'm not going to go into here), and one of the first things I did was to telephone Lisa, and say sorry for a text message I sent her earlier in the day. For one I was driving when the text came through, secondly I was quite busy at the time, and lastly she was asking about a football score that I was trying to avoid. I didn't really sound rude in the text, it was just a plain text that wasn't really that nasty, I've certainly sent a lot worse out. However I called and left a message saying sorry. I then kept that up later in the day by apologising to my work colleague, for what I'm not 100% sure.

About 35 minutes ago now, I suddenly realised what I'd done yesterday and it hit home that perhaps since September when I made the first set of apologies for things I hadn't done or don't think I did, have I slipped back into the way I was at the start of the year. Is it that why I'm feeling so bad about myself? I think it could be, and if it is then I'm in a position to turn things round and possibly before Christmas. I'm off to see my councillor for the final time tomorrow, I've not seen her since July/August possibly now, certainly not since I lost control of everything in September. I have reason to be positive going into this meeting, I've got to survive on my own, I've made many attempts and failed, but at some point or other I need to succeed and there is no better time than this.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Here Comes Winter

It's the 11th month of the year, and the month where fall/autumn becomes winter. I've not been in a good mood of late as you may be aware, and it's around this time of year where my mood generally falls away further. I am attempting to maintain some sanity in my quest for peace, but it's not easy. Right now I may be over 60% of being happy, but that 40% that isn't is a huge factor in my life and can easily eat away at the happiness.

I can see where I need to go to be happy, but it's just maintaining my focus I guess. I know that I didn't enjoy Saturday as much as I should have and since then my health has failed me again, with the cold of a couple of weeks ago returning. I have managed to contain that I hope, but it's still demoralising to find that you haven 't quite beat the thing you thought you had. Much the same as depression, just as you think you've got it beat, something comes along and brings it back to you.

How depressed am I? I really don't know if I could claim to be depressed right now, not after the state of depressions I've had in the past. It's been a while since I have really considered suicide, which of course is good, but to get to that point I had to be very depressed and would have been so for months on end. However, it's now been what a couple of months since the trips to London that brought about the change within me (though I no longer blame the events, it must have been in me at the time), and though I'm not out of the dark and back into light it is something I can see.

So I write this accepting that I am depressed and that surely is a good sign, but I've done that before and still not learned my lessons from it. Other wise why would I have been seeing a councillor over the last year or so. Then again she has helped me move on and got through the rough times that I've had over the past couple of years. I can see how I am better than I was about 2 years ago. I feel that I can continue with life and maintain my sanity over the forthcoming months. It is important that I maintain area's to express both the negative and positives in my life.

I recently wrote in here about where I started this blog and thanked the likes of Erin and Janet, who were the inspirations for this blog, and at that time I was almost thinking of closing down this place. However it's only now on pure reflection that I can see the true value of this place, for while I can maintain two blogs going and both either sharing the joys or negatives of my life, it maintains the equilibrium of my sanity in place. That I'm sure is a good thing for those that know me personally.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

To big, too soon

Well the euphoria of Friday night was short lived. I should start by explaining what caused that and why it was short lived I guess.

I went for a meal with Lisa, at first I tried to talk myself into thinking something bad was going to be said, but far from it. We had a real nice night out, a very good meal and excellent chat. It has been ages since we went out on our own, and went out for more than 10 minutes or so here or there. Yes, we email and text each other, but the power of verbal conversations and the ability to read your companions moods is important. It was such a lovely night and although her husband was coming up on the Saturday and we were going out on the Saturday night, having that time together alone was very nice.

Saturday afternoon arrives with a text message to say that Lisa might be going home, before we got out on Saturday. We were due for a meal and then to see Arcade Fire at the M.E.N arena in Manchester. That might turned to am, and so I tried to find someone else to go to the gig instead of Lisa, but couldn't find anyone. My mood altered and though I desperately wanted to enjoy the concert, I had a gaping hole inside, which left me flat and uninspired.

I'm glad I went and the concert was enjoyable, I have my views on the concert, that the group were not ready to play such a big venue yet. They have had success, but need to build upon that and play the arena's of this size in a year or so's time. The musicianship of the group isn't in question, it's just something was missing for a concert this size. Maybe it was me not being quite at the races, but hey I did enjoy it.

So the joy of Friday, which I was riding on Saturday morning and looking forward to making the concert and the weekend go with a huge bang was gone. Any hope that this weekend would rival the weekend in April when I watched James 3 times, and keep me on a wave of happiness through the summer was also gone. I've got to find some other inspiration. However, I think I may have a new car lined up, though it's possible that it may be sold by the time I get back to the garage either tomorrow or Tuesday. However that's the chance I take I guess. If I do get the car, then at some point prior to Christmas I will go down and see Lisa, and spend a weekend with her, and forget about the problems that lie in Salford.

Those problems aren't as bad as they have been and if anything the biggest problem I have right now is with work. Work is a hassle, yes I know it is for everyone, but I don't mean it in that context. I have strong views on my management team and they are getting stronger with each passing decision and it isn't making life at work pleasant. I really don't want it to get any worse, but as much as we as our team do to follow instructions we then get new instructions which contradict themselves. No more, the more I think of work and it's issues the more I get angry and upset and I don't need that, I need to be positive and happy. So no more talk of work for this entry.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Split Me

Has it really been 9 days since I wrote in here? I guess so! I hadn't posted over the past few days as I've stopped myself for a multitude of reasons, but today I felt I could post and so here it is the 379th post of the journal.

I'm in a funny mood right now, no I'll correct that I'm in a very split mood. I can explain that with a description of work, in that once I work with the young people I'm very happy, relaxed and have confidence in my self and the everything I do. However when it comes to being in the office the mood switches to one of anger, bitterness and depression, and a general not wanting to be there. However that is most unlike me since I joined Barnardo's as a paid employee. I guess things change and they certainly have in that office.

However that has been well documented in this journal before now and in my other blog, which can be found at Myspace. What I want to say though is that that sort of split now runs in my everyday life as well. I hate being alone and during those periods where I am alone like this past weekend, I've felt awful and not wanted to do anything, which has included interacting with others. Yet the thing I should be doing is interacting with others be it going out shopping etc, as that helps take away the blues and it's really horrible place to be in right now. I know that this is exactly where I started when I started to see my councillor ages ago, and I've been working to alter that state. I have improved and I guess I'm more willing to go out and do things now than I was 12 months ago, but that split inside of me is still around and I can't understand it.

My next session with my councillor is the last one I'll be having so I should at least show some improvement, but to tell her lies would be wrong wouldn't it. So I've got to be out of this phases by the time of that appointment, whenever that shall be. I guess being able to spot the situation is good as I can now look back on what made the difference and how I can simulate that again. I know I can be happy again and I know that I can enjoy myself it just needs something to put the rocket under whatever to enable it to explode.

What makes it so odd right now, is that during the summer I didn't mind being on my own that much, yes I could go to see mum after work etc, but that isn't the reason for the change in attitude. I can't place it to be honest, something snapped just before my birthday, and I can pinpoint it. It was the day at the hairdressers, and since that day where I went into a panic attack I've not been the same. I know I had problems after the James concerts in Hoxton, but I can't put it down to that. Then saying that I chose to isolate myself that second night, which is typical of me in so many ways, why I did that I don't know. Still it's done with and perhaps a night out where I don't give a shit about me and enjoy myself will help me. Where is that going to come from? Well I have idea's on that, but we'll have to wait and see if that happens, but keep your fingers crossed that it does.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

It's all good

It seems like a life time ago that following me reading both Loxy's and then Janet's blogs that I decided to create a blog of my own. I know it was reactionary and I know that I've been quite lazy if I'm honest about it in here, but I have found this place to be the place to let go, the place to give anger it's full and deserving place in the world. Has it helped me?

Well I would hope it has, but then again how can I be sure and how can I put that across to you folks who pop in from time to time to read the crazy notes of this British girl? I really don't know how to answer that, but needless to say I can see improvements and I can see how better I am than the person that wrote those first few posts all that time ago.

If some of you are thinking that this may be a sign off note, well no not really. I was writing in my Myspace blog earlier tonight and had a lull for a minute or two. A block as such and I was trying to think about what I could right not only there but here. It was as I started here that I decided to go down this particular line. It's been an age since I took an introspective look at my own work here and how it's been a help to myself. I guess it's always good to do so once in a while and today was one of those days. I have tried and failed to find something to challenge myself with to write today, so this is the perfect time to pull this sort of post out of the bag.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Am I to Blame?

I know it's been a while since I put anything up in here, but I've been away for a few days since I last posted and also I've been and still am ill since I last put anything up here. I did post a couple of photo's over on the sister site, but hey that's easy enough now through my mobile phone. However to post here means I really should use my PC rather than any other medium.

So I've been to Newcastle and Birmingham/Coventry, I put the other two up as the place I stayed in Meridian is actually in between both places and as such isn't a big place that you'd find on the map. It's only a small village, though it does seem to be inhabited by people with plenty of money.

Anyway I came back from Newcastle with a heavy cold, and though I thought I was beating it, by Tuesday night in Meridian, I realised that in fact I hadn't beaten it, but if anything that had beaten me. I was desperately ill due to problems with the bedding and my chest. What ever the problem left me open for the cold to strike back and it has with a vengeance. I've also caught a case of conjunctivitis which I'm not impressed with. I've got some ointment for that, but it's like a tube of yellow goo to put in your eye. It looks as if I've been crying for weeks without stop right now.

Not that I've not cried at any particular point over the past couple of weeks, considering the moods I've been in of late. I certainly cried up in Newcastle and I wish I hadn't, the thing is I'm getting to the point of wanting to share myself again, gone are the days of me constantly wanting to hide, but that part of me is still around, and it's really odd trying to figure out which part of me will jump up at the start of the day. Which ever it is that is truly me, I want you to know that I would like some company and soon, it's very lonely right now and no one ever seems to be able to give me the time of day or company that I desire. I'll go out of my way, but perhaps I've got an eye for luxuries rather than your every day deals that would do as good a job. So perhaps I'm to blame?

Monday, October 01, 2007

Wake Up from WInchester

Depression sucks, simple as that really. Depression haunts you, simple as that really. Depression will always be a part of me, simple as that really.

Whilst I've gone around the houses before saying this and that about depression, I think one of the things that I've never really thought about is that no matter what I do, it's always with me. Even if it's hidden away in the darker area's of my mind, it's lurking and waiting for a chance to pounce. It's about me letting it in, it's about me thinking in a different way than normal. I can't explain the current episode of depression as clearly as I hoped or did the other week. I don't think that is the correct answer anyway, but what ever happened to trigger this bout was serious.

It may have been only a footfall as such in comparison to other times where I've gone from being OK to being on the verge of contemplating suicide. However I wasn't that far away and if I'm honest with myself, had I not cancelled my trip to Winchester a week before I wouldn't have ended up in that position. By that I mean I let out a cry for help, one which was heard and whilst it wasn't a hey let's sit down and talk, it created an avenue for me to explain things not only to my best friend, but also for her to be positive to me, at a time when no one else was being that way with me.

It's that little bit of effort that woke me up, and gave me a chance to grab a hold of something before it went too far. I've made the first steps to making a recovery, this is going to be a long period of recovery, but I will complete this, and I'll try and get back to the happy place I was holding only 3 or 4 weeks ago. I guess having a week or two off work, whilst I was down hasn't helped me, but at least I've been able to wallow in my own misery alone and not inflict it onto anyone else.

I return today and I know I'm going to face the questions as to where I was last weekend, why didn't I call or why didn't I say anything, but hey why should I answer to them? Well it helps team relations, so that's as good of an answer I can come up with. Once the word depression leaves my lips, I'm sure that the majority of people will understand why I didn't do anything, and why I didn't go to my colleagues wedding. Yes, I was looking forward to it, yes, I wanted to go, but at the end of the day I couldn't go for personal reasons. Those reasons being highlighted here, if I'm right in my previous post. So I guess I should direct people here to see what all the fuss is about.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

3's or 10's

Things come in batches of 3's they say, well how come for me it's around 10's or higher? I really am cursed, and it's bloody annoying to know that right now I'm in the middle of making everyone unhappy, having everything I do fall apart. I can't explain it, but one thing is for sure, if it were all to end in the next 10 minutes, I couldn't care less.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Time to be depressed

It's close to being the start of the year again.... The kids are back in school after the summer break, the temperature has fallen a few degrees or many depending on where you are in the world, the soccer season is in full swing. The hockey season is just around the corner and of course I'm going to be a year older.

I'm sure those that have seen this blog develop know that I'm not one to have fun with regards my birthday, it's always seems to be a rather horrid time of the year for me, and one I wish to forget. I've a distinct feeling that this year will be the exact same. It's not a time that I enjoy and even though I'll be off work again, it's probably going to be one poor birthday. I was hoping for so much more as well, but this past few week has really sunk me to a level that I didn't think I'd see this year. I'm going to have to sit down and look at myself again soon and try and fnd a positives about myself again and soon.

I've a conference coming up with work, and if I'm in a mood like this I'll end up having a really awful time and a time I wish to forget. I don't want that, but it's a something to contemplate. I've got a wedding to attend tomorrow, and if I don't buck myself up for that, I'll end up faking an excuse and not going. It's a trick I've done before, but it's something I've not done for ages. I'll have to see how I really feel, I wouldn't want to spoil it for the bride and groom or others either, by being very depressed at such a happy occasion.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Good Times

Here we go again, another post from the crazy fingers. I'm in a good mood in general right now. I know that some parts of my mind set is going crazy with my own inner problems, but on the whole is good.

I've been down to London in the past week to see two concerts by James, and to be honest they refreshed me as much as they did in April. It was seeing them earlier this year that set about the turn around in my general mood. This time, just as my mood was waning, James picked me up and restored the good mood. Maybe it wasn't just the music, but the people with whom I chatted with prior to the show and the music combined.

I'm back in work this week, and then off again next week. It's going to be a very long week I'm sure, but one that I'm going to enjoy. I'll be off to Leeds on Thursday to see Lauren, but also for a meeting on Friday. I am looking forward to that, to create a diversion from the normality of the week. I'll also be looking for a new car, which is exciting.

Saturday, September 08, 2007


The start of a week's long break from work starts here.... Well it started last night, but so what I'm happy to be away from that place, all the back stabbing and politics. I know that I'm as bad as everyone else, and those who read this journal, will understand that, I call work left, right and centre in here. Mind you I always have done, it's been my place to rant and rave over the past year or two, and not just with my current job either. Still if I didn't have something to moan about I'd be a little scared.

So it's off to London on Monday morning to see two James concerts in the capital, two unique concerts where I'll be treated to new songs and probably different sets each night. That's exciting and it's also quite a bit nerve racking in that it may be a shambles, it may be the best ever, we just don't know what to expect.

I have spoken to mum over the past couple of days and tomorrow I'll be going around to my sisters for tea. I'm a bit surprised that they have invited me, but then again I envisage that my mum, might and I say just might have had something to do with it. Though it will be nice to get more than 5 minutes with AJ tomorrow, thought it will only be 5 mins as she'll probably be watching High School Musical 2. Yes it's very much still the IN thing by all accounts. Yay to be a kid today with so much tv to choose from, it's nothing like when I were a child, 3 channels and nothing for the kids till lunch time and then 3.45 till 6pm that was it, oh and of course Saturday mornings. It's not the same any more, the quality is out there, but it's so dispersed that it's rare to find a quite good kids show these days.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007


Now I've spoken often about the lack of confidence in myself that I have, and yet here I am about to set on the process of doing something quite different to my normal self. I may be forced into doing a presentation in front of 50 to 60 people within my work environment, and though the thought of it scares the living daylights out of me, I'm actually a little excited about this. It's all part of the process of merging both the shy person I am normally with the extrovert that is my work persona. To be even contemplating this sort of behavior is quite extreme for myself, but hey if this is how things have to be then so be it. The more I push myself the more I'll be able to make break through the barriers.

It isn't clear cut that I'll be given the chance to do this, but for one I'll be more than willing to give it a try if I have too, though how well I'll do is another point. I'm sure that once I get going on something of this nature I'll make such a impact on myself that the next conference I'd be in a position to make a point if needs must or I feel the need too. It's really that big of an issue.

I'm unsure or should that be unclear as to where I want to go with this, either do it or not, but it's certainly an exciting thought.

Saturday, September 01, 2007


Here we are at the end of August 2007, I mention the year as it could well turn out to be a significant month in my life. It has for sure been a busy month and one of lots of changes, but may prove to be further than that in the not so distant future.

For one it may well prove to be the last summer that I will be involved in activities/playschemes. This will be decided in the next few weeks. I can say that this year has by and far been the worst in 20 years, not in terms of activities or for the kids enjoying themselves. No in terms of children turning up to the activities as such. I've never known it to be as bad as it was this year. I can't pinpoint the reason for this, though I guess that between my colleagues and I we could come up with many answers. I can't say that any of us have the answer for the perfect scheme, we are all poles apart on that but this year just didn't have the sparkle of previous years.

Another major event was my mum moving out of the family home yesterday, it's a traumatic event, and one that is still very raw. My mum has called today to try and set up a meeting tomorrow with my niece and her. I think she understands that I'll probably won't be seeing her for ages as she'll be stopping at my sisters house where I'm not exactly the most welcome guest. Do I really care? No, it's just typical however of them (my sister and husband) to be honest, and what's heartening is that my niece actually agrees with me over them. I've a spy in the camp and one which will bode me well in the future. My big worry however is that I won't see my niece half as much as I did do previously and I only saw her a quarter of what I would like. So it's going to be very hard over the next few weeks to deal with not seeing her. I've told her to text or call me if she wants to speak to me, and I may even pass on the only usable email address for her. That way I might find myself in more contact...

So today is being spent at my place quite lost to be honest. I've got nothing to do and I need to get my PC fixed, but that won't take place till Monday at the very least, which I'm a little peeved about, but I can still use the PC it's just the cd/dvd that I can't use. So I can still write from home and do most things that I would have been doing however I was going to spend this weekend getting to grips with the dvd writer and taking lots of stuff and backing it up onto discs. It's going to have to wait a week or two, but it will be done.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Bright Start

It's a bright sunny morning in the wonderful city of Salford. It's been a decent week in terms of the weather and yesterday though in some ways sad, was also in others a wonderful day.

After work had finished at lunch time I got to mum's to find that she's going to complete the sale of her house next week, and be out of the family home on Friday of next week also. It's the end of an 80 year connection to the drive for our family, but hey all good things come to an end I guess at some point. That was the sad bit I guess, as I couldn't see us leaving that place, it was so perfect, but it got to big for mum in the end and we have to move on from here.

The plus side was the time spent with AJ yesterday. At first she was reluctant to go out, and it took some work to get her out, but in the end we went out and she did enjoy herself. It was important to get her out though we ended up in the strangest of places, but still at least it was fun and yes I did spoil her ever so slightly and will do again shortly, but hey that's the way it is. That made my day yesterday and to see her be so pleased was fun to see. I'll have her on Friday as well, which gives me a full day to fill, but that's easily done as I've plenty of places to which I can take her or activities to make the day seem short.

Today I'm off to Preston, which should be fun, thoguh how much I don't really know. It's going to be a tough day, but one I'll enjoy. Then it's back here to play on the new toy in the flat... A new pc, which I'm quite happy to say isn't just your basic machine like both of other pc's that I've had.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Light bulb moment

It seems to be that after a period of extensive entries I've gone a bit quiet again... Well it isn't due to me being depressed or high to be honest, it's down to me either not having the time or there is is no need to put anything down in words.

I mention time and of course I'm online quite a bit, but it's also a matter of how tired I am after the day and what time I've got to get out of the house in the morning. Of late, work has seen me leave the house quite early, almost school like time scheduled, which leaves me with little time of an evening to put anything down as I'm in wind down mode when I return home and just want to relax a little. So right now, just about a week since my last entry I've returned to put something down.

Life is good, work isn't so good, but it's been worse and so I've no complaints, well I have plenty, but none that are worthy of any sort of reaction in here. I'm well, though I've got yet another huge bruise on my leg, through to knocking my leg on the mini bus the other day. People are saying I bruise easily, but just as I started to write this paragraph, let alone the entry, I suddenly understood why I've got this bruise. It isn't down to me being soft and easy to injure, but this injury was picked up a day or so after a rather busy day of sports that left me tired and aching all over for a couple of days. My legs were already bruised internally, but the knock on the leg which I took has brought the bruising out and so it wasn't so much a heavy knock, but an accumulation I guess.

The power of word works again for me, as I figure out yet another of life's little mystery's that revolves around myself. I should write everyday on here, that way I could solve my life's problems almost instantaneously but then life would be dull and boring and I'd never leave the flat for writing.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Here Comes the Fun Times

My oh my, what a few days it's been since last Thursday, it isn't that it's been busy or anything, but I've not been myself some how. I have hardly slept and have felt so tired that at times I couldn't walk. It's been very strange, but after sleeping around 16 hours yesterday I feel slightly refreshed and ready to go for the week ahead, or so I hope.

It's been a nice week or so weather wise, and considering the rain we've had over in this country it's been great to see the sun out in the sky, no matter how cool it's been. Today is the start of the football season over here, which is really strange, but hey it's good to have football back and soon it's the start of the hockey training camps and warm up games over in Canada too. Once that's up and running all the best sports will be going and I'll be happier than I have been over the summer.

It's also the start of the summer activities this week, so it's all go as of now. I'm hoping that the summer activities go well this year. They've changed from what they were, and that's the concern, however we know our jobs and we know what we have to do. I'm sure we'll have one or two problems, but then we'll also have some good times ahead. Let's the fun begin......

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Testing tme

It's been a week since I last touched base in here, and a whole host of things have been thrown at me since then, and a lot of things have bounced off me as well. It's been a strange week I'd say, not least with work, but hey that's what makes life so interesting.

This past week hasn't been a great week as such, but it's given me the alternate that has been required of late, the down week as you might say. It's brought about the crashing down of my high mood, impart due to the cold that I had, and impart due to the way the world has treated me. This is a mini test that I need to work through, this is the moment when I'll know if things are good for me or back to normal. I'm more positive about things right now, I've seen what it's like to be happy, and this can be and should be a mere blip on that, but I have within me the ability to make that blip into a tidal wave of emotion and sadness.

I'm unwilling to pinpoint any particular reason as to what has caused this swing in mood, mainly because if I do that, I'm sort of opening the door to the darkness, and I'm not going to do it. It's been a bad week, I need a good week or some good news to bring me back, it can be anything, nothing specific and that's the interesting part of this, I'm opening myself up to the light instead of the dark and that's how it always should be, but hasn't been part of my battle plan before (if it has, I've not identified it).

So what of the next few days? Well if things go to plan then I'll be happy again soon, and moving forward with my life. I'll be happier materialistically as well, but that's something to try and keep in check, it's perhaps that, which has taken me to a point of desolation before now, and so I need to watch what I ascertain that I need, rather than what I would like.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Virural Alphabet Soup

It's Thursday and hey I'm a little better than I was, though not well enough to go to work. It's not that I couldn't, I could, but I'm tired and grumpy and wouldn't be of use to anyone right now. I need to rest, need to clear myself of this infernal cold. It's on the wane, but that's not sufficient for me to go to work. I feel for everyone who is in work having to cover, but at some point this year I've covered for them, so it's about time they reciprocated this.

Wow this cold has heightened my vocabulary again and some of the above wouldn't have been used recently. So this has helped me, but in an odd way. Could it be a vocabulary cold bug I've got? Who knows which strain of this virus I have, but it's unleashed a broader vocabulary than of late. I'm not attempting to slight oneself and say I wouldn't use such words, but of late I've been lazy and thus my blogs have been full of ordinary words or even colloquial slang.

As an front to all of this, I've become a bit of an animal lover as well. OK, so it isn't much, but after my dad died, we filled in the pond in the back garden, which was his pride and joy. When we did so, we gave away the fish he had, and lost the wildlife that goes with garden ponds. However we did notice for a year or two the frogs returning to spawn, and that didn't look too nice to be honest. Now this Monday as I cut the lawn, I noticed that we had mini frogs where the pond was. Since then I've made sure that they are still around, it's the least I can do. I want to take the perfect picture of them, the one of them hopping, and either in mid air or landing would be great. For this my camera on my phone is perfect, but I will need my nieces assistance. As she's come home early from her holidays due to the poor weather, I'll get my chance soon. So frogs are a little favourite of mine right now. Hey even big frogs are nice, though I've not been tempted to kiss them yet, to see if I can find my price charming.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007


I hate feeling unwell, be it toothache, be it a sports injury or similar, but the one thing I hate most of all is a cold. It's not the lethargy or anything like that which I hate, it's the bunged up nose, and sore throat. Right now, I'm suffering and it's making me feel down. Not down to make me feel miserable for a constant period, just down on me right now.

I blame my niece and myself for this, but it's still no compensation to me right now, to understand how I am feeling. However I'm aware in the back of my mind that others are going through a lot worse and my thoughts go out to a friend off one of the message boards I post on. She's going into hospital today for a serious operation and my well wishes and thoughts are with her right now. My cold is so insignificant in comparison that I shouldn't even be talking about it, but hey if I didn't I wouldn't be writing this.

So what of the past few days? Well I've read the new Harry Potter book, I've been in work and watched United play football. Apart from that not a lot else. I spent the weekend reading and that was such a welcome break. I should do it more often, but it's finding books that really interest me. I should start reading more Star Wars books, but it's where to keep them that bothers me right now. If not them, then my favourite other reading is biographies, and then it has to be someone that interests me. So for some reason I limit myself, I should open my mind to other area's I guess, but that's difficult, as I often can't get into books and thus they sit around gathering dust. I have a couple of books in mind that I wouldn't mind reading so I may pop to the library and see if they have them in and if not order them.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Middle for diddle

If I'm honest the last couple of days, I've been quite dry in ideas as to where I can go with an entry in here. It's quite difficult when I've got nothing to say at times. Today is a prime example, I'm only writing this, as I know that if I don't write in here, it may end up like a week without and entry and then I start by saying sorry, which is always silly to be honest.

Though emotions have run high over the past couple of days, It's been difficult to equate that to words for an entry here. Now that's unusual for me to say that, as I tend to find words to fit most situations no matter what, but this week has been different. I wonder is that a positive thing or not? Am I in such a good place in my life that I am losing the creative aspect of me? Am I now at a point where I'm not happy and not depressed? That would sort of answer the lack of emotions for writing I guess.

So what else? Well it looks like there is going to even more rain over the next week or so, with talk of more floods over here. A while back I did say I enjoyed the rain, but this is now gettting silly. Still if it gets the waters level up all over the country then so be it, we've needed this rain for a few years now anyway. It may also keep the Southerners off our water up here in the North. They've at times had to use OUR water as there's was so low. So this excessive rain fall can go to them for all I care. It's a fine time to go camping though isn't it? Well I'm not going myself, but my sister, brother in law and niece are all off on a weeks camping trip. Here's wishing you at least 1 days sunshine.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007


It's Tuesday again! and I approach this afternoon with some trepidation, as I've got to go back to school and approach those involved in last weeks problems. It's not that I'm strong enough to make complaints, it about me not being able to face to face with these people. I'm strong in some area's but not that one, I'm glad that I'll have Lisa around me for what will be the last time in this academic year I'll visit the school.

Why am I so scared? I don't really know, it's not as if I've ever done wrong, it's an odd feeling to be honest. Those involved have known me for some time, and have for various reasons taken positions of authority over me in terms of employment status, but apart from that nothing else. So why should I be so scared to face them? Maybe it stems from the fear of being disciplined at work again. Having gone through it once before I didn't want to go through it again and of course it made my life hell for such a long time that being on the verge of repeating it was an awful experience. I think I took that for longer than I really should have and it's perhaps that which causes my fears.

My meeting with my line manager yesterday didn't produce a real positive answer to this, but at least it's been recorded and from here on in, it's all about them dropping themselves into it. I do hope they do, as it would be an interesting situation to watch, though as I'd be in the middle of it, I wouldn't get to see it pan out properly. That's the sad part about it, since I like watching things like that, even before I became more active in the union.

A shorter post than normal today, a bit of time restraints and also lack of creative juices to be honest. Still let's see how the day pans out, I may end up with another post later on. I will add to the photo blog again. I've got a couple of really good photo's from yesterday to display to the world.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Is there light where there is dark normally?

I've fed the photo blog with some more photo's so it's only fair that I should post something here after nearly a week away. Now I was using this and the Myspace account as a ying and yang thing to try and see both sides to my life, but this past week I've stepped back while I have evaluated the situation that developed at school last week.

I'm no way happy with what went down, I have every right to be unhappy about it. I'm going to see my line manager at work tomorrow to discuss it, but that's another story.

As for me, well I'm feeling stretched out to be honest with regards my own strength. I've been cruising at such a good place that last week's fall was painful, it's left me feeling sensitive and rather fragile. I'm sure that if I can just get back to what I was doing prior to last week then I'll be able to jump back up to the point of being happy. However I'm not ready to jump just yet, and that's the scary thought. I know what I need to do, I know how to do it (that's new), but I just don't feel it's the right time. Why am I trying to wallow in the pity? Maybe, it's because I've gained some attention from it I don't know? I may be enjoying being down? Perhaps it's the ying and yang thing here. While I hate being down to be honest, it can have it's good points in that you learn what's important in life, after the highs, but this time it''s slightly different.

I'm unsure that the above makes sense, it's difficult for me to describe this right now, and yet I want to try. It's crazy, I want to write things down and make some sense out of it, and yet I can't. Perhaps I've already made sense of it and trying to find a darker aspect of it all is proving harder to find? Then again I may be trying to find a darker spot for myself than I can justify to myself. That's something I'd not contemplated, that I've fallen as far as I can with this and now I'm going to rise up again. Wow that's an interesting thought and probably very true. The incident at school wasn't that bad, it is the deeper aspect that has gone on for years that reared it's head and to be honest, now that I've decided to take it further that I've not wallowed in the mud of Tuesday. Now that is progress, this could be the answer and also by not posting in here or in the other blog till yesterday gave me time to get rid of all the pain quicker. Oh this is really a nice train of thought.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

School of Frustration

For a long time or what seems to be a long time things have gone well for me. I've been able to declare myself as being happy, but the events of this week, a young week at that are having a distinct effect on me.

Sunday I got accused of something I am not, by a person showing some serious signs of being very phobic towards certain type of people. Then I get into work and though that isn't too bad, it's not a very nice place to be right now. Today I went to collect some children from the school I used to work at and quite frankly got dumped on by the staff there. This isn't the first time they've done this, they are constantly having digs at me, but this time was the worse and I felt like crap really. No I shall retract some of what I just said. They don't dump on me, they are bullying me, and I'll use them words as they are very powerful words and today it's got to me.

Why though? I've been in such a good place of late, so why did I let that effect me? Well I think it's partly down to external things just breaking some of the branches in my tree, but that today was the wake up call I needed from that school. Tomorrow I intend to speak with my line manager and will use the same words that I have used here, and see where it takes me. I don't care what is said to others, but it's got to the point where I no longer care what some people at that place say. Why should I continue to take it? I left that place partly due to that sort of thing, and yet I get treated like something they've stepped in. It's not on, and has to stop.

I can't say anything positive today, it's all too much for me, what happened at the school has just wound me up so much that I can't relax and that's bad news. I need to relax, but yet nothing I do seems to help. I tried the good old bubble bath technique before, but to no avail. I'm not going to turn to drink, that's not good for me. Not when I've got some tablets to take. It's just so fecking frustrating........

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Talking to myself

After the last post and plenty of debate over if I was right or wrong to post what I did, I'm here to say that I don't know the answer. The debate took place between my councilor and myself, and then continued with myself and myself. I guess it's a matter of trying to respect that today I've learned from what I did yesterday and fully intend to use it to better myself today.

Am I losing people right now? This page has somehow become a page for my rambling theories on how best to keep sane. However, it isn't all that bad, as examples of my good mood do shine through and I do allow myself time to enjoy life. I don't just sit on my backside talking to myself for 24/7.

So what of life? Well I'm off up to Glasgow tomorrow to see James in concert for the 4th time this year. It was a spur of the moment job in many ways to decide to go but go I am and I fully intend to enjoy myself. It's not often I do something silly like this anymore, and road trips to hockey matches came to an end a long time ago. Saying that I will be passing Tebay, so yes, I will stop and feed the ducks as is tradition born out of the hockey years. I don't think I'll ever get out of that routine to be honest, and I enjoy the break from the road to be honest.

Over the next few weeks I'll have more and more time on my hands as I'm going to be working only essential hours in an attempt to reel in my time owed from working over my hours. It's not all that bad as they will be paying me at least 21 hours worth of the over time. I could and perhaps should have asked for more, but hey that's life isn't it. I've already got one or two things to say regardless of that, but that will wait for a day or two.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Reflections of the past

Yesterday I sat in my car (whilst driving of course, I'm not sad enough to sit in the car for anything else these days) and listened to The Doors. I had one of those moments which makes you stand up and take notice of things. I had forgot how much I liked The Doors, and just wanted to listen and chill out to them for the rest of the day. That was fine and though I listened to other bands during the day, nothing hit home like they had.

On reflection though, is that a bad thing? I could go on about how good the music was, how way beyond his time Jim Morrison was etc, but there is one word in those two statements. That word is WAS, The Doors and Jim Morrison are past tense, one is a dead and the other his band. Is this a description of myself? Do I spend too much time in the past? I mean I know I've put down one of my favourite sayings down in here, the one about the past defining the present etc. Yet, I do seem to look back in time alot. Is this a fault of myself?

If I think about this place for example, it's rare for me to look forward and think about enjoying anything. It's normally an apprehension or a review of something, hardly a "well I can't wait for this". Though of late, whilst in the good mood I've been in, I've improved on that, and that's significant. So is my past too dark? Should I try and place my past in the past? Is it that easy to do? I don't know, the longer I'm in the mood I'm in the easier it's becoming, but it's not certain to exist is it? My past has shown that, and it's that past which haunts me. It's a vicious circle me thinks, and though I'm trying to get out of that right now, and at this point am out of it, it's staying out of it that's the hardest part.

Onto other stuff after that reflective of myself. The weather isn't showing signs of easing up, it's still chucking it down, and the skies are granite gray. I said on Sunday we needed the rain, so I'm not going to wish for the weather to improve, others might, but from a wider perspective I'm more than happy for this to continue. It does cause problems at work, as it reduces the amount of activities that I can introduce to my clients, and this is the time of year, when we should be making use of the parks etc, however that's out of the question with the rain. I'm good enough however to be positive about this right now and that's including the dreaded group that I have on a Tuesday.

Something of note to myself is that the amount of returning people reading here isn't that high anymore. Perhaps I shouldn't in future expect that people know the background to half the stuff that I'm writing. Maybe it's because I've isolated the previous readers? I really don't know. The question is do I care? Well yes, I do care, but then on the other hand, this site is aimed at helping myself out, by being a sort of diary, to vent my anger at myself and the society that I live in. I don't want to feed that negativity upon others, and this place is great for being able to get rid of stuff. That's why at times this place can be very personal, so I guess it's a mixed viewpoint on the returning viewers.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Green Day!

I normally post on the last day of June, I normally post something about the day my dad died. I left that to my other blog space yesterday. I didn't want to go over the same ground in two places at once. However yesterday was probably the quietest and best anniversary to date, and one which will set the example of more to come.

I think those of you who have read this journal over the past couple of years or so, will know how much my dad's death effected me, how much it effected the whole family. I think it's only now, that we are getting back onto our feet, and whilst our memories will remain, our futures look good. I'm all for looking back to learn from mistakes, I've done that enough here for you all to be aware of that, so it's good to realise that as a family we are doing that as well.

So what's ahead in the next week or so? Well not a lot, I'm not away from work, I'm not going to miss any clients due to sickness I hope, it's going to be a "normal" week if there is such a thing. I'm almost looking forward to that. It's not often that I can do that, and so it's good to be able to do it. I was hoping to get to the staff conference being held for work tomorrow, but I can't so I've got to make do with what I've got and not to sulk over it. I've been and have got other conferences to look forward too and that's far better than I ever had in my previous employment at the school. I hardly ever got training which meant more than an hour or so away from my normal duties. In fact the last training I did external from school was probably the MIDAS course I did, and that was on a Saturday morning and was funded by Barnardo's.

In terms of everything else? Well, it's dry outside for now, it's been a miserable week as such in terms of the weather with plenty of rain, so much so that various places in the UK are flooded. People seem to forget that the rivers and lakes of this country are at an all time low, so for flooding to occur, we'll have had plenty of rain, it's a matter now of maintaining some of it, to clean up and reuse. Having weeks where all it does is rain was nothing unusual as a child, but today it's strange, maybe my perception as a child was different, but even so, it's true that we don't get the rainfall we used too, it's true we don't get the long cold wet winters either. Bring back the snow and ice is all I can say...... OK, so I can ask, but no one can make it alter, unless of course we can repair the damage that man has caused on the planet.

Friday, June 29, 2007


It's been nearly a week since I last posted in here, or should I say a working week since I posted. As I've been away for a couple of those days it's been difficult to maintain any sort of continuity over the past few days. Still I could have posted on Wednesday night or yesterday? I thought I had to be honest, but the site doesn't lie unless I had a post deleted by big brother and if so I don't know why?

So how's things with the world of ME? Fine to be honest, I'm plodding along in a happy daze, working, living and enjoying the lot. Things balance out over time I think, as many a morning I've added a entry into this blog and complained that things are bad, that work is OK, but and that life sucks, and I'm unhappy. This period of sustained pleasure is the equaliser, so far 2007 has been a good year for me, as years go. I'm more than impressed with it and that's a positive as I can't recall many good years in my life. It's been one of those lives I guess!!!!

Getting involved in union work has been a good thing for me, and I don't know why? I didn't think I'd be able to live with everyone on that level, and yet slowly and surely I'm pulling myself up through the ranks at my project and the next step is out into the locality. I'm not rushing into this yet, but I will at some point be happy to go out and help the region and nationally I hope. This has been and is the start of a something in terms of my own working development, and one which I would be glad to further. It's something new and different and a challenge to my norms. Instead of sitting back and holding my opinions I'm fostering a belief within myself that I should be more vocal and challenging to what I see. This may be something that has provoked the prolonged period of happiness, I don't know. It's something I guess that I would do in the past? I can't back that up, as some of the stuff like that are a blur, but I would challenge all be it in a much lighter fashion and not in the terms I'm doing so right now. So yes, whilst it's something from the past, that has been re-ignited , it's also something new. It is also if I'm honest, another facet of my personal life. I'm helping others, by being active in the union, which is something integeral to my deep core well being.

Monday, June 25, 2007

A Comment

I simply couldn't believe my eyes the other day when viewing the stats for this place. As I scrolled down the page to see what the score was I noticed a comment on my last post. WOW, it's been ages since I had something like that, and my excitement was very high when I clicked on the comments link. That soon turned to confusion as it wasn't English. Further investigation seems to find that it's nothing more than an advertisement for there own blog spot. Well I think it is, but who if anyone knows exactly what is being said I'd be grateful for the information.

Well it's the start of a new week, and it's one I'm looking forward too. With my trip to Birmingham for tomorrow sorted out, I can look forward to a busy week, but one which is suprisingly light in terms of work at my own place of work. That's not really a good attitude to take, but it's something that I can say with happily knowing that it's helping me in the long term. I don't give a flying monkey about what work say with regards my meetings, but hey it's the way it's going to be. These are the only meetings that effect my case load specifically, so it's got nothing to do with my LBGT role for the forum.

I've had a really nice weekend, where I've done this and that and the other, which though nothing mind blowing or really effective in terms of actual benefit to myself or anyone else, it's been enjoyable. Life is such right now that I can have these weekends of wanting to do things but not doing so and not being bothered. By that I mean that at times I get wound up by not doing things I wanted to do, or would have liked to do. Right now, however that's not the case, yesterday can be seen as an example. I went to the Farmer's Market without mum, who normally comes with me. I had decided to go late on, and didn't mention anything to mum, as it was me that wanted to go, and I didn't want my mum to say no and me regret not going. This is the type of things that has taken place in the past, which has led to me being moody and upset that I didn't follow my convictions. It may only be a temporary change in my thinking, but hey it's still good that it happened, and it's something to prove to my councilor tomorrow that I'm making huge steps right now in the right direction.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Was that it??

It wasn't without a bit of pain, but the visit to the dentist was OK, my tooth is still in, but not in pain at the moment. My only wish is that it's pain free for the next week or two, till I get to see the dentist that I've found willing to take me on as such. So it's a case of taking up to 6 tablets a day to keep the infection and pain away. Once it's all done then I can hope to sort out the problem of the acidic taste at the back of my throat. Till the tooth problem is sorted my GP won't be able to make any sort of conclusion on it, mind you once that's done, I'm going to have to get my bloods and liver checked out again, and we all know that that's likely to cause concern.

The tooth ache has in a way helped me calm down a bit this week. It wasn't that I was way over the top or anything, but I was flying along in the excellent frame of mind, and almost oblivious to what others were thinking and doing. I however have been able to detach myself from myself and view what's going on. I'm still no clearer as to why I've been so happy of late. It's really a good mood, and that's it. I'm slightly perplexed by it all, as I'm normally so good at pinpointing things that have an effect like this on me. Maybe it's the James concerts and that weekend, I really don't know, but I can pinpoint the upturn in my mood to that weekend. What it was about it, I don't really know, but it's something I want to package and keep in storage for future use. No matter what, I'm not going to knock the mood I'm in. I knock myself enough when the mood is the other way, but right now it's just so crystal, and everyone at work is noticing how much easier it is to work with me.

I've got my weekend to look forward to now, the day is young and though an hour in work to catch up with things is in order, I've then got nothing planned, and of course if it's planned it's boring. Well that's something someone once said, I'm not saying whom, but I've got it on cd and on my pc. FM, you are still loved and always will be.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Who's Scared???

For some the trip to the dentist is a journey of hell, I for one am not part of that "some", I'm fine about the dentist. I can never understand why people get so worked up about it, is it the mask? is it someone with there hands in your mouth? I really don't know what it could be. However today I'm booked in to see an emergency dentist as I do need to see one and get my tooth ache sorted out.

I've lived with this for 2 weeks now, but the past day or so have been intolerable, which if it wasn't for the forthcoming appointment this morning, I'd be looking for a brick or baseball bat to smash against my jaw to get it sorted that way. The pain that would cause is inconsequential compared to what I've gone through these past day or so. After this is done, I'll go and find a dentist and register. I don't want to go through this again, it's been a nightmare. I had to walk out of work yesterday due to the pain.

In other news, the thing that I feared the most has happened, mum has received an offer for her house, which matches the valuation and she's accepted it. The sold sign hasn't gone up yet, as it was all done last night as such, but "OUR" house isn't going to be our's for much longer.... The house that was HOME for my living memory will soon not be mine. It hurts, I've got an attachment to that place. We've still got to find mum a new place, though she has seen somewhere, she's going to bid on. Once that's done it's a matter of getting the formalities done. This is really strange for me, for although I don't live at my mum's anymore, it's still classed as home, and I've never known my mum to live anywhere else. That place will always deep inside be seen as "home" and should I ever be in a position I'd take it back no problem.

You know I'm trying to think how work has been this week, and to be honest, with all the pain killers I've taken I can't really think about it. I don't think it's been that bad, but it hasn't been brilliant either. At least I've not been through a meeting like last week. I walked out of a training session yesterday due to my tooth ache. Could it be that they are the reason (the meetings) that it's so painful right now??????

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Time for reflection?

Having reached a plateau or at least I think I have in my recent upswing in mood, where do I go from here? Down you say or is that rest and then climb higher? Either way by reaching a constant I can sit back and enjoy what has transpired and also reflect on the positives.

The question needs to be asked though, have I reached such a stage? I can't tell, I don't want to think myself into a state of depression and yet I'm not in the mood to take myself that bit higher than of late, so does that constitute the reference to plateau's? Maybe it does, but why?

OK, let's look at the facts, these past 3 days haven't seen any significant changes in how I feel, perhaps the state of my health isn't helping, toothache, ulcer and head cold all at once isn't a good thing. So that's possibly putting a dampener on things and so I should wait till I get rid of 2 or if not all of the conditions before I put a marker down.

On the outside of my closed shop that is my world and my life, I've got nothing to report. My mum has turned down an offer on the house, which fell £15,000 below the valuation. Mum and Hayley treated the offer with the contempt it deserved thankfully. With due respects to the people who offered, that house is in no need of re-wiring. It was done less than 10 years ago and everything works perfectly. We know that something needs work, that's why the price is lower than I had anticipated, but to offer below that by so much was a joke.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Meeting you, Meeting me, Meetings over!!!

The week is over, I can sit down and relax a bit. It's not been a tough week, but it's been a really hard week in terms of the meetings that I've attended. I also realise that over the couple of weeks or so that I've got a lot of work to do in terms of trying to find speakers for the conference that I'm helping to put together in October.

Whilst that isn't my "normal" job, I'm very aware of how much work is needed and that it needs to be done very quickly to get things sorted out. I'm glad that I'm involved in the planning for the conference, as it's an eye opener to the bigger plan of things. I've planned things before, but this is something different, and it's really nice to do something new.

Anyway, apart from that, I've got to accept that I need to find a dentist, for the past couple of nights it's been really hard to get to sleep, in part due to tooth ache. Both nights it's been around 2am before I'm getting off to sleep, which isn't good. However, I'm sure that once I get the tooth sorted out that I'll be back into a nice routine in terms of falling to sleep quite quickly. It was pleasant last night as I was able to listen to the radio, which was coming live from a night club, which was playing the sort of music that I grew up listening too. It was almost enough to get me to get up and dance. However, I'd done that before going to bed and with the tooth ache all I wanted to do was go to sleep.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Oh no another bloody meeting!!

Laugh, I almost cried.... The meeting yesterday was as bad as the previous days and one I am willing to forget. I'm hoping that the third meeting of the week, the one tomorrow goes far better than the previous two. How does that saying go? 1 out of 3? Well it's going to have to be one of the three to keep me cheerful this weekend.

Seriously though, the past couple of days have been hard going at work, made all the harder by the crap that has been spouted out, but now it's over with I can relax a bit and get on with the day to day business of the place rather than the politics.

The weather has turned back to it's finest rain. The past week and half had been exceptional in terms of the heat and such. From yesterday onwards it's been nothing other than rain. It's needed to rain, if anything it's needed to thunder and lighten, to clear the air as such as it's terribly muggy, but to date it hasn't happened. This sudden change has altered my plans for the weekend, but I'm sure that with time I can alter them quite sufficiently to make it a good time.

As for me, I had to do something I'd not done for years yesterday..... I had to reel myself in, in terms of my behaviour as such. I got into work and those who were there will tell you that I was in a world of my own, and what made it worse was that people were pandering to me and thus I went deeper and deeper into this world and found madness. That's all I can describe it as, when you are talking of going into a meeting with an assistant director of your company, and a senior manager from the local social services and talking of being a tree. Yes, I was going to stand and declare I am a tree. I promise you all that I hadn't taken any medication!!!! I had to calm myself down and then hold my tongue as the meeting went on, which is something I'm learning to do.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Bloody Meetings

Not a lot has taken place over the previous couple of days since my last post, though yesterday we did have a team meeting where I felt a lot of my ideas/suggestions which I threw into the mixer were shot down, at least we got the idea of mobile phones to go, in the thinking stage anyway.

To be honest, the meeting was far too long and didn't move things along at the pace they should have. I don't think we are anywhere near where we should be for the summer scheme's as they were being called. It's going to be a rush to get them organised, but we'll do our best.

The good thing though about taking my time up with the meeting is that, it meant that I had to concentrate on that and not bother myself with anything else. I'm still good, and though I've stared at bad in the face, it's not bit me yet. I'll post more soon, possibly tomorrow when I've got a bit longer off work, but today I've another meeting to get through.

Monday, June 11, 2007

The fight for sanity

I start today in a curious mood to be honest, whilst still very much on the up, I'm feeling a bit down to be honest. As regular readers will be aware June is the month that my dad died, and whilst with each passing year the pain is less, it's still burning in me. Yesterday I mentioned in my other blog the pain that it brings and so with that in mind I went and re-read my diaries from that period and I broke down doing so.

Not the wisest move to be honest, and it's left me feeling a bit down today. However, this is in an odd way a good move by myself. I've been high for so long that by trying to bring myself back down in this way might help me. If I do succeed in taking myself down to a depression then it will be very interesting to see how I respond to that. I don't want to be down, I've enjoyed being in a good mood, and as yesterday's post here states I am in sight of being happy. Still going down to go up might be an advantage. Getting depressed now, might just help me beat the demons that have been stalking me for a good few years now. It could be the greatest move I make, and yet it could the be the opposite and the craziest thing I've done.

Who's to say that I'm right or wrong in the above statement? It's me of course and when will I know? After the end of this month or tomorrow? You see, this is such an odd thing that I don't know what to make of my own personal feelings in this. It's typical me, to find something which will make me down, rather than maintaining my good mood. It's the second time in a week that I've tried to do this to myself, without really noticing till a day or so later. It's a self destruct button within me that I want to press, and yet why should I? Am I trying to punish myself for something? I don't think so, and so why should I want myself to be unhappy? I mean for those of you who have been long time readers will probably say that the past few weeks have been as creative and easy to read as any of the posts that I've posted whilst I've been depressed, so why should I want to send myself back to the dark recesses of my sanity?

It's a strange life I guess, but hey right now I'm fighting for my life, and it's making me feel good to do so.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

I can see it.

So here I am again, on another fine morning, trying to put the past couple of days down into words. At times I find it incredibly easy to tell, and on others quite the opposite. On good days when not a lot happens, the next time I sit to write is always difficult. I'll take yesterday as an example.

I was working yesterday, and though I've not been enjoying the weekends as much as I used too, it was nice to have a problem free day, the clients behave and also a chance to see a colleague whom I've not seen due to sickness for a while. Not a lot of interesting details came from that, I could pad out this entry with the fine details, but it wouldn't be a great read, but it would fill the space.

Should I there fore go and explore my mindset right now or ignore that and go at random angles to writing the complete unknown story that's in my head?

If I didn't want to put something down, I wouldn't have started this entry would I? Life's a strange thing you know, with the complex moods it throws at you and also the interaction of others upon those moods. However, at the extreme end of it all, it's our life's experiences that dictate how we respond to everything. I mention this as after a long spell of a good mood, I'm regaining some of myself back. It's something that I want to reclaim. I'm not sure why, or when it left me, but the ability to be crazy, the ability to be crazy/stupid and funny at the same time is back and I'm loving it. Yesterday could provide an example, with me not giving a flying monkey's what others felt in the cinema, but dancing in the isle to the Pearl and Dean theme tune wasn't what most would say is sane behaviour, but the clients enjoyed the spectacle, and that's the only thing I care about. I couldn't care less what the other patrons thought, and that's been missing over the past year or so.

That indicates I'm at a good place with me, though I know that I'm not there yet. I've work to do on me, and that would put me in a place which I don't think I've ever been in. That position is obtainable, I can see it now. For too long it's been clouded away, around the corner or the other end of the tunnel, but for once in my life I can see that I can be happy. Wow, it's freakish to think of things like that, but let the world know that should I get to this position, you'll all know about it. I wouldn't care less what the world felt of me, and I'd float around in a positive mind set for ever and a day. Well OK, perhaps not forever, but for a day or two at least.

Friday, June 08, 2007

I'm fine

Sorry that I've failed to post in the past couple of days. Those of you, who may have taken a look at my myspace blog will have noticed that I've not posted in there for a few days till a quick entry yesterday morning. It's mainly been down to starting work early and then being too tired when I get in to make any sort of entries that are anyway near readable.

So this morning as it's my normal Friday off work, I'm making sure that I redress the balance of the force and post something in here. It's not been a bad week, but it's just with all the work that's been done during the day instead of the evening, it's thrown my body clock around, further messed up, by going out to lunch the past couple of days and not having had a proper evening meal for a couple of days. Strange I know, but I don't know how I'm going to cope today. I think it's a delicate one, as once I got to my mum's last night, my niece came around, and for her amusement last night she felt it would be fun to kick my head. I could have moved, but it was only tapping as such, though some were more forceful than that!! Once I got in, I opened a bottle of wine and after a glass and a half felt very tired, so finished the glass and went to bed. This morning I've a thumping headache, in part to both the drink and head kicking.....

Enough moaning, when I'm in this state I tend to do very little and that will suit me down to the tee this morning. I'm looking around the web this morning, not sure what for... I've been looking at some hockey shops in Canada, too see if I can find one or two cheap Oiler items, but then when I do, I'm stopping myself on the basis that they will be launching new shirts and new merchandise in a month or two, and that's going to mean that the prices will come down further or I'll not want the old stuff as it's out of date.... I may have a sore head, but it does work still. Maybe it's as the title of this blog is being played right now, Queen's Pain is close to Pleasure, it's true, it's really true. So I'm bob bob bobbing along to it.

Oh one of my long time volunteers, whom I admire for so many reasons got a job as a sessional member of staff. I'm so pleased as she's probably one of the last that volunteers that, whilst I was still a volunteer took her under my wing as such. If I include play leaders from play schemes and staff that's about 10 people that I've helped through and that's something I'm proud of, I don't want recognition (perhaps I do?), but it's always nice to see someone you've helped guide succeed.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Salford Dreaming..

So here we are again, at the start of a new day, and I've got a smug looking smile across my face. OK, I may not be smug and the smile is because in general I'm pleased with things. The reason I've got a smug smile on my face is because that's how it looks.

Things have been fine of late and this weekends slow progress has given me a refreshing outlook on things. I know I missed a hen night which I could have gone too, and by the sounds of it, should have, but hey that's the way life is. I'm not going to look back and regret things (well not at the moment!!), so hey I had a good weekend, without drink and without the need of others. No I didn't do that either, it was a nice peaceful and restful weekend.

That smile has grown, not at the last comment, but one of my favourite songs has just started playing. It's California Dreaming, this is the Beach Boys version. I like the Beach Boys and I like this song, so it's always going to be a good choice. It's been ages since I heard this version and this song for that matter and you know how every now and again I go on about songs just hitting the mark this is it.... It's going to set the day in a great direction and it's also going to be in my head all day now!!! As far as music goes as well, over the weekend I found a band called Pink Martini, they may not be the band of choice of many of you, but go check them out please, even if I can find one other person who enjoys the different style of music good then I've done my job.

What else? Well not a lot really, I've nothing to report, so it's all coming from the odd looking head, well I say odd, more like freakish if you want the opinion of my niece. She's dead for that comment, but I'll use it here.

Sunday, June 03, 2007


Rest is good, I'm finding that out right now, and I'm also finding a bit of self control. Yesterday's post is really interesting to say the least. For me not to be self critical is an achievement, but then half way through the day I became critical of myself for no reason what so ever. Am I just not happy with me?

The answer to that one would be the killer question in my life. I've never been 100% happy with myself, I think that much is obvious. My moods depends on how much I do like myself, and yet recently it hasn't been the case. I've just not given the issue much thought and that's helped me. However when self doubt appears the more I find myself wanting to sit and cry in the corner. I'm not perfect, far from it. In fact I'd quite happily tell you how ugly and how thick I am, and how much as a person I'm not. I'm a joke and I'm almost proud to say that.

However for a space of time of late I've not felt that way. I feel that I've moved on, I may not be happy with me, but I'm OK with me. Is this the start? I guess it could be. You know I may end up saying I love myself one day. That will probably be around the day I die, but hey it's something to look forward too. Still whilst I can focus on other people rather than myself then I am much more at ease with myself. Do I make sense? I thought not, still it's easier to understand the nutter when the nutter doesn't understand there own work.

So my post today isn't so comprehenable, but that's good isn't it? I mean every now and again I do show complete freedom of mind and constraints and it's always good to lose them. I have no fear, no problems and no concerns with this entry. If anything this is a waste of an entry, but that is OK on a day like today.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

I'm not a Failure.

It's looking like a real fine day outside today, one which I don't want to waste, but one I'll probably will waste. It's not that I couldn't do anything, it's more I don't know what I want to do with it. I've got nothing to do at my mum's that can't wait, so it's just a case of doing what ever I want. The only thing I'll have to do, is go and buy something to get some coins for the meter.

So where am I in terms of moods today? Well I'm quited chilled to be honest, nothing is phasing me at the moment, and that's good. I seem to be repeating that on a daily basis of late. Is that because I'm scared of it leaving me? Am I too scared of losing how good I feel? Is that bad to feel scared of that right now? I don't really know.

In the past as can be evidenced here, I can be high as a kite in the morning and by night fall in the depths of despair. We are all like that, but to the extremes that I can take it very few are. I know what depression can do to me, where it takes me and it isn't nice. However for every depression I suffer, I evaluate my life to that point and often I come out much stronger for it. I don't know what I do right or if I do things strong. I guess that the reason for me for having some counseling over the past 6 months or so has been to try and give me some support and advice on how to bounce back from depressions quicker than I do. I know that I have the techniques to do so, it's just that after a while the ones I've tried don't work, much like with medicines, my body gets used to techniques to pull me out of depressions and I sink to new depths of despair at those times. Those are the times I go a walking to the motorway and sit on the edge thinking about the jump forward, and if it's all worth it.

That position is so far away from where I am right now that to get there again at any point in the next 3 to 6 months would be a failure on my part. I'm not going to fail this time, I'm not a failure, as much as I like to challenge myself on that one, I'm not. I'm not a success though, but I get on with things and that's positive. I guess my failings to prevent depression is equaled by my success to see the symptoms very early and recognise when I have failed to prevent a fall from grace. So I'm not a failure, I'm just plain old me, plain very old me, like me, hate me, but most of all accept me for being me.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Bloody Fly

I guess that I should show some positives here, after all I've been quite negative in other area's of late. I am contented, though a week or two ago I'd have used the term happy, but that's no longer the case. It takes some doing for me to be happy, and I was for some time.

Contentment doesn't include having a fly buzzing around you whilst typing, which is the case right now. If that thing don't leave my room in the next few minutes, it's life span shall become considerably shorter than it expected. I can't stand things buzzing around me like that. I can just about accept bee's, not wasps however. So as it has not left, it has a death penalty on it's head to which at the end of this entry will be carried out if it is still here.

Contentment is being OK with everything going on. I know that some things aren't not happy and others are very happy, but they are equaling each other out and that means I'm fine with things. I have a smile on my face for the majority of the time and it's a smile that's not being forced, it's a smile out of genuine pleasure. For the regular readers this may be something of a shock, but yes, I am smiling about life.

I'm at peace with myself for the time being and it's sitting well with me. I've no regrets, no concerns and any concerns that I do have or others try imposing upon me I don't give a brass monkey's about. I've got no reason to allow anyone to dictate to me anymore, I'm a human after all and I'm my own boss. I may get paranoid if I'm depressed, but that's something I guess that I've just got to accept and that others have to accept as being a part of me. It's something that people who know me, should accept and try and figure the best way to bring me back to where I am today. Well that would be easy really it's a matter of bringing me back to my flat and I'd be back. I meant more to a mental state as to where I am. Oh the joys of my thinking.

Sometimes a good friend is better than a lover!

Thursday, May 31, 2007

A little time

OK, so this post is a little late in the making, but I guess I don't have to post everyday or every week for that matter however it's more interesting if I do and it's in general better for myself if I do. I think that during this good spell for myself that by posting not only here, but also over on my MYSPACE blog, I'm getting all the good and bad points out and it's really interesting to find that by trying to get both sides of me out into the open, I'm making my own world a better place to live. I'm a bit more settled.

So this week has been a quick week in many ways as Monday was a Bank Holiday and thus no work, and with me having no group on Tuesday I was free again (though I did go in and help someone out). Thus on Tuesday I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean 3 with my niece and mum. It was my niece that wanted to go, so we took her, having taken her to see the previous film in the series. It was way too long, but it wasn't the worst film I've ever seen, that goes down to possibly the Spanish film that I went to see with Liz a few years back.

Yesterday was a tiresome day, but it's helped. I guess that over the past week or so, my time of going to bed has increased or if I'm in bed early, I've not been sleeping soundly and waking early. So I'm getting rather tired, rather quickly and yesterday was no exception. I don't think it helped having problems with my PC when I woke up, thus further delaying this entry. Once that had been solved it was straight into work and then training, more work before heading off home. Once at home I had other issues to deal with and then I could relax. However last night I slept better than of late, and feel a lot better this morning.

As for today and the weather guide? The sun is bright, the sky is blue, however there is plenty of white and gray clouds up there, and me thinks it could rain at some point today. I hope it's in the afternoon as I'm working in the morning. Then tomorrow is my normal day off. I've got no work planned for tomorrow, but we'll wait and see what's going to happen before making any plans. If I am free, it may be an idea to take mum out shopping somewhere different. It's been a while since we did anything like that.

Sunday, May 27, 2007


I'll start this entry with nothing but stupid thoughts as to where this is going. I've already accepted that cracks are showing in my bright mood of late, and I can't identify where they are coming from, but cracks are there.

So this is going to be jibberish, this is going to be about anything and everything that's flying around my head. If anything this is going to be a version of Monty Python's Flying circus, but from my head and not the genius that wrote the original. Yet, how dare I compare my mind to them? Well it's in a head that functions ok for an abnormally functioning head!! See what I did then regular readers, you'll NOSE what I mean by that..... Oh the joy of punning, it's a smile bringer.

Alex and Jose the squirrels that inhabit the back garden, who squabble constantly have returned. I've not seen them as a pair for ages, and neither of them seem to have grown over the early spring. I wonder just how much sleep they had this year. Still it's enjoyable to watch them, as them fighting is one of energy and speed. It's an observational skill test to keep up with them, but that I can after months in squirrel fighting observation school, other wise known as not having a job to go too before 2pm....

See my head is spinning with silly ideas, and I could continue, but I want some of this silliness to be retained in case I see my niece and then I can throw some of that at her, and keep her happy, whilst giving me something to put my energies too. It's a tricky place in my head, any magician's wishing to trick in my head can do, but by that you have to go inside and fool some of my brains guards with slight of hand. See Why would I want people inside my head? This can't be right? Am I on drugs? No, have I ever been, apart from prescribed ones? No, so this is just odd.

Friday, May 25, 2007

That was odd

Well I'm back from my trip to Dudley and though I didn't get the pictures that I wanted and didn't do some of the things I wanted and did something that I wasn't too happy with on the whole it was a positive meeting. I'm learning on what I need to do, and where to go and that's important I guess.

So what of anything else? Well it's a bit odd I guess, on the one hand I'm empowered by work and yet underwhelmed also. I don't quite know how to describe how I'm feeling towards my job right now. OK, so I'm looking around for another job within the same organisation, but would it be a case of jumping out of the fire into the frying pan? Would I enjoy myself half as much if I left? I can't answer either of them, but right now my actual place of work is not good, but the work is excellent. How I change that I don't know? It's not that the people that I work with (on the whole) are wonderful, it's just one or two people that are spoiling it for us all.

Enough of that rant, it's close to being a great day again and I'm excited that the weekend is upon us again and the end of the football season is neigh. It's a bank holiday weekend here also, so Monday is a free day, which means a nice lazy weekend, even if my sister has alternate idea's for doing more jobs around my mum's than is needed. I'll do a bit for sure, but that's about it.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Photo shot time?

I'm off down to the middle of this country today for a couple of days of meetings. I'm looking forward to the distraction and the fragmentation to my normal week that this will bring. I've said before that I'm looking forward to it, and now that I feel that I've played my correct part in this I'm even more contented.

Yesterday was a quite day and one which I'm sort of glad about, it's worked out well and life goes on as normal today. I won't be around to post anything till Thursday or Friday, but by then I'll have a hotel to describe and perhaps a little bit of history and a few more photographs if I can get away from the meetings early enough as such.

Monday, May 21, 2007

It's still early morning, well early for some people, but I've been up close to 2 hours now and I'm ready to face the world. The sun is shining and a cool breeze is blowing outside, it promises to be a fine early summer's day if it maintains this.

So the weekend didn't go to plan, but that's football, I can't predict that and it's one of the few things in life that whilst it makes me down, I can recover from quite quickly. Saying that however, I'm still not down, I'm still on this high and I'm getting used to this right now. Perhaps it's time to call Debbie and arrange some sort of meeting with her. I'd rather see her like this than when I'm down and her having a go at me for being that way. However that's for later today I guess and to try and get something sorted.

This week is a fragmented one with work, due to my union meeting tomorrow and Wednesday, so it's going to be a good week in that respect, followed by half term, which is always fun as I get to alter the times for all my clients and make sure that I've got everyone finished by 6pm if not 4pm. That's the beauty of this job I guess the fluidity of it, which can be a problem for the children, but it's great for everyone else.

I should point out here that the post that I was looking at within Barnardo's last week isn't going to happen just yet, it was promising and it's something that I'll keep an eye on, but due to it not being a full time post I'm not going to pursue it further. I contacted the school as suggested by HR, but they did say that they currently have no full time posts available. In a way I'm very glad, I wasn't looking forward to moving to Yorkshire for the post, but had it paid better then I had to consider it very seriously. Still I'll keep looking for posts here and there and see what's out there. I'm happy at Salford Families, but it's all the in fighting and management style that is getting to us all. I don't think we're being heard by anyone and that is so frustrating as we are a good team, one which does our job and is will to change and adapt to any circumstances. We'll wait and see what happens from the "team building" course they've sent us on, but I'm unsure if the management team will acknowledge what has taken place.