Friday, December 29, 2006

Pain is close to Pleasure

My niece is 10 years old today, it's flown by, and so we celebrated her birthday this lunch time with a party at her house, where all her surviving grandparents were present as was myself, my sister and brother in law. Not a big party, but she's going to have a party early next year at the local leisure centre, as normal.

We had a pleasant time at her house, whilst she played with her new toys from both Christmas and now Birthday, all was well with my mum and myself for that matter. Nothing was wrong and no problems we knew of.

Once home however that's when the pain came. We got a phone call to say that my God Father had passed away on Boxing day. Uncle Fred as I knew him had been in a home for the past few years and if I'm honest I'd not been to see him for a few years, but he was always with me if you know what I mean. He was a neighbour to my parents and sister in the house before they moved to where we've lived for the past 35 years. He and his sister became very much close family friends, if not part of our family, and remained so after the houses they and my family had lived in had been pulled down. As my grandfather died whilst I was a baby or just before I was born, it was at a point where I didn't remember him or even know him, my Uncle Fred became the closest thing to a grandfather that I had, and to lose him just hurts so much. The guy was legendary, apart from him being my grandfather he was a well known butcher in Salford through the 60's and 70's, people knew him far and wide. I recall being in Florida on holiday in the early 80's and some one stopped our family as they recognised the Salford accent. After telling us where they'd grown up, they then asked did we know the butcher Fred... We travel thousands of miles on our holidays and we are asked by a random family if we knew him, that's the measure of the guy.

I feel awful not going to see him for so long, but it's been difficult, and it's a big regret. I doubt he'd have known who I was however, he was losing it the last time we spoke, but he'll always be a part of me. It was strange that only last night at mum's with some of her and dad's friends around we mentioned my Uncle, and talked with passion about him, unaware that he'd died. I'm sure if there is something after death, then right now, he'll have met up with the rest of his family and my dad wouldn't be far behind to catch up on the past few years they've been apart.

To my Uncle Fred, thank you for all the wonderful tales and times you spent with our family. I'm really finding it hard to come to terms with the news, but where ever you are, make sure you've some sausages made for when we next meet, it may have been over 25 years since your butchers shop shut, but I've never found a sausage that I've enjoyed as much as yours....... Here's a poem that I found online about my uncle and his butchers shop. You see he was famous enough to be found via google.


Cross Lane was famous for all it's ale-houses,
And shops that sold frocks, and men's baggy trousers,
Pawnshops, chip shops, and good theatres, too,
And some, like the pot shops, that sold dolly blue.
Fred Oddie, the butcher, with a good sausage trade,
And a barracks nearby, where soldiers were made,
There were bicycles, handcarts, and tramcars with bells,
And the markets, of course, with linoleum smells,
Lucketti's hot potatoes, and ice cream in tubs,
But the best of Cross Lane was the piano'd pubs

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Jet Set Spectrum

In times gone by I may have mentioned things about my past, things I've done, seen or heard. Well this is going to be one of those threads. Having seen a bit of a show on television over Christmas about the best Christmas toys ever, I was taken back to times gone by. The Rubik Cube was shown on the clip I first saw, and wow that grabbed me something rotten. I had a cube one year, I'm not sure it was a Christmas present, but could I do the bloody thing? No I couldn't. For years all I could contend myself was first getting 2 sides and then 3 sides done. Not once did I ever peel the stickers, not once did I ever think about pulling the cube apart. About 5 years ago now, I managed to get everything in place after another bout of nostalgia, and also having found the cube in amongst all the other junk that I've got. It's never been messed up since. I must point out that the school record when it mattered for the fastest completion was around 12 seconds.

Last night or yesterday morning when I talked about my niece's Nintendo DS, I started to recall about my own first ever experiences of computer games. I show my age here by accepting that I was around at the launch of Space Invaders, and what a storm they caused! I had a hand held space invader game for one Christmas, which also had a second game on it, which was breakout. It's so old that I can't find any pictures of it online, I wish I could just to show you how old and how bad they were. Well searching the internet will find you anything won't it. I've found the said invader game that I was talking about..... Here's a link to see it in all it's former glory.. It took a while to find it, but find it I have.

However I moved on from that, and found myself an owner of a Sinclair Spectrum, with a massive 48K of memory. Yes, folks you read correctly the height of modern technology at the time, was a home computer with a rubber keyboard and 48K of memory.

To this kid though it was heaven, it meant I was up to date with everyone and I could chat about games etc with all my friends and if I'm even more honest, I was one of the few who had a bloody computer (not that it's helped me learn about the things!) Many a rainy holiday was spent with friends around at my mum's house and depending on if anyone was in, we'd be on the big television downstairs or upstairs in my room on the portable. That was the beauty of the Spectrum, it was so small it could be taken anywhere, and all you needed was a tape recorder with jack plugs in to load the games from tapes. The black market for games was huge for the spectrum. For those of you, who think that cracking games and sharing them online is a modern thing, well let me tell you this. It started way back before the time of the internet even. Of course even then the software companies were trying to stop it.

I recall a particular game which was and probably still is one of THE most talked about spectrum games, Jet Set Willy, had integrated into the starter a colour code you had to type in before the game would load. You could copy the game easily, but it was the colour chart which came with it that meant it wasn't the easiest game to pass onto your friends. Saying that though, you could easily crack the game itself, but a simple 2 lines of code, which provided infinite lives and the chance to go and see the whole game and complete it with ease.

The one thing that I must point out here, the graphics were never hot, or hot compared to what they are today, nor was the 8 bit sound system, but the game play had to be well thought out and planned. For those of you who have found joy in the Championship Manager/Football Manager series of games, will be interested to know that Football Manager was a very early game for the Spectrum and it just took off. It was no where near as detailed as it is today, but then it was a master piece which others looked to emulate.

I used to have a Spectrum emulator on here, but I lost it when the pc crashed about 18 months ago, and I've never got around to putting it back on here. I still love some of the games that the spectrum had, and even now some of the sporting games are excellent, if only to see some of the names of hero's that I grew up watching.

Here's one for those who find this place, leave a comment about any old games or toys that you had, and recall fond memories of. It might be something that I recall, or even had. That would be fun.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Mish Mash

Well it's Boxing Day again, and I'm not going to question the reason why it's called so, as I did that last year. I will however reveal that this years Christmas present list consisted of 2 t-shirts, 1 hooded top, 1 new fleece and a game of scrabble. Oh the joys of Christmas. Gone are the days when I'd get something other than t-shirts etc. It's not that I don't mind getting t-shirts etc, as it's the giving and not the receiving that matters at Christmas, but it's always nice to get something original, and unfortunately I've had nothing like that for a while now.

I'm not going to let it effect my mood mind you, it's still in a positive mode, well as positive as "icky" can be and though the weather hasn't been great of late I'm not allowing that to jolt any sort of depression upon me. I do know that the grey skies above the house are holding plenty or moisture, and it will fall either as rain or snow in the next few days. It hasn't been that cold to snow as yet this winter, but it's always nice to see a little bit of the white stuff at any point in the year. We get so little of it anymore that we've got to make the most of what we get.

Talk of the weather leads me to go back in time to something I said to my mum the other day, we are now past the 21st of December, which is officially the shortest day of the year, and thus we are now on our way to spring and summer. It may not seem that way, but as we have pasted the half way stage of the winter I'm starting to look forward to the long summer days again, even if that means playschemes.

I saw my niece yesterday as of course she went around to my mum's to collect her presents, it wasn't long before the dvd was in action with one of the dvd's she got for Christmas of myself. Whilst watching that, she was playing her Nintendo DS, that she got for Christmas. I was quite suprised at the thing to be honest, I've not seen one in close up action like that before and they are way above what I sort of expected of them. So credit to Nintendo for the creation that is the DS. Not that I'll be buying one like, it's just that I was a little taken aback by it.

As for me, and me in depth? How am I? Well as I've described "icky" before I can't really add a better description than that right now. I must say that on Christmas eve I sat in front of my pc, and if I'm write I was perhaps writing here, or else where, when I got a pang of loneliness, but I fought it off with some hard talking to myself. I accept that I am feeling lonely, but if I'm OK with it then so be it. At other points in the year I may say the opposite, but right now it isn't an issue. I've got so many things going on right now that I'm more than happy to leave that topic till another day.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Christmas Greetings

For anyone out there, happy Christmas... This is year is probably one of those years where I don't feel too down to be honest. I'm not depressed, feeling a little lonely, but to hell with it, I'm me and if others don't want to know that then sack them, I'm who I am for a reason and they are not the reason.

So what's new in my life? Well not a lot, but life isn't that interesting at the moment. I go to work, I go see mum and then I come home. Nothing else to report. I wish there was someone in my life, someone special, but that's something for future considerations. I'd have to be out and about looking for that person and with my current lifestyle that isn't going to happen, but do I really want to change the way I live just to find someone? I'm after all just about coming into a period of calm in my life and I'm starting to enjoy things again. Why would I want to place myself into a situation of failure? That would be crazy..... Though no pain means no gain.

I guess the reflective mood is due to the time of the calendar year. It's coming rapidly up to the end of the year, a year of so many emotions and so many advances that I doubt I could translate them into a simple summary in 7 days time. I will use a hockey term here though. I'd probably say I'm Plus 5 or 6 for the year. Which is excellent considering I've had minus 28's and minus for many years in a row. Slowly but surely my life is getting better.

As it's Christmas day, what would be my ideal Christmas present this year? Well what would have been would have been a t-shirt from my sister/brother in law, with Edmonton Oilers Stanley Cup winners 2006. Had that arrived, I'd have been so happy, but it wasn't to be, and the memories of May/June will be with me for a long time. I don't think I've been so wrapped up in a single sport since the 12 days of May in 1999. I really don't know what I've got, with the exception of Scrabble from my sister/bro-in-law, though that should have been mum's present. I know mum got me the printer, but I'm talking about presents under the tree at mum's. I'm sure that my niece will bring her Nintendo ds around with her this morning and then ask to put one of her dvd's on. Which one I'm not 100% on, though High School Musical is the favourite I guess.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Here We Go!

Today is my last day in work for a while and I'm just about getting excited about it, though as today we've got 2 Christmas parties to run, I'd better not get too excited or I won't last the course. 2 parties in one day sounds a bit stupid, but as one is for young ones, roughly 2-7 years of age, and then the next one being 7-12 it's better done that way than all together. Last night the teenagers had there disco which went down really well.

Once these are over, I'm off and out of there for a while and it's going to be a time to relax and get myself sorted and recharged before going back to work. Life is so up and down that I need to have regular breaks and this is coming about a month perhaps over due. I have said in the past I need to have regular breaks, but that includes the odd weekend away or trip out, but since the problems with my car earlier this year, I've not been able to afford such a thing, so it's going to nice to have a break now.

Nothing is still planned for Christmas, though I'm sort of looking forward to seeing my niece, as she's starting to get excited about Christmas. Saying that, my sister has pointed out to us, that she's starting to question the whole Santa thing, and we think it's going to be the last one she'll still believe in the big guys role in Christmas. I think I was about 8 or 9 when I really knew who Santa really was. I think it was two Christmas Eve's in a row, when being disturbed by my parents entering the room with the presents and seeing who it was with the presents in the pillow cases as it was then. That sort of convinced me, so when I confronted them the second time they tried to pass it off, but as they then left the next set of presents down stairs, it was sure a sign of them trying to perpetuate the story. Oh and the fact that at a particular Christmas party we had one year, my Uncle played Santa, and it was so obvious who it was......

Still it's Christmas and Santa is so symbolic of the time of year, that not to perpetuate the story to those younger would be unfair. I don't know how many white lies that such a percentage of people maintain to children. It's the one big lie we all like to keep to ourselves till as late as possible.

Just to conclude my Santa bits and bobs. I have great reservations about the big guy though. For any of you who have read this over the time will know this argument, but for the new here, let me ask you this, if you have children. All year round we tell our kids not to talk to strangers, not to go near strangers, and yet for one month a year we openly encourage them to go and sit on this strangers knee and to talk to him as much as we honestly can. Sorry, but Santa has a bad side to him for me, and if I were ever to adopt, I'd have to seriously question my own theories in letting my child go see Santa in a store or grotto in a mall.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Supposed to be Happy

OK, taking away the events of the weekend, and having started to get my head around the subject, I suppose that I should be happy and glad, I've less than 4 days before I take around a month off work, and less than 7 before Christmas, but something is missing.

I just feel flat, no enthusiasm, no energy to make me happy, and yet there is nothing going on to make me get down. I know I'm prone to depression at Christmas, if anything I hate this time of the year with a large spoon of honey on it. Yet, this is different, I just can't find a happy medium about anything. I find myself hungry and yet don't know what to eat, I find myself thirsty and yet don't know what to drink. I sit on a chair and can't be comfortable, so I lie on the floor or chair and still can't be comfortable. It's something to concern me with, as this sort of mood is the hardest to explain. I'm really in a pickle over this.

I think I'll go and see my manager today and just alert her that I may have to duck out for a day or so this week, if I get worse. It's the wrong time of year to subject anyone with one of my depressions. I have seen the shift in me, I've seen a chink in my armour and can do something about it. I'm sure she'll understand, but I'm going to try and not let it show or effect me at work. I guess the teenage party on Wednesday night will be the one to gauge how well I'm doing in not letting me effect me.

What else? Well not a lot to be honest, I'm plodding along the path towards Christmas and towards next year. I'm sort of looking forward to it, but of course it's just another year, and that's got me thinking. What is left for me right now? I really don't know, there's not a lot left for me to do with my life, and if that's the case I'm going to fall into a wheel. I'm sort of scared of that, but with the money situation as it is, then I've got no real option have I?

Sunday, December 17, 2006


An entry for entries sake you can call this, so no real direction or topic is springing to mind, though I guess this weekend has been one of abject relief and some pain to be honest.

I guess the pain is the most significant part, though it's not something that I could see happening, and in many ways it's not effected me, but late on Friday, my mum told me she's thinking of moving. Now that's understandable, she does live alone in a house that has 4 bedrooms, a sitting room, a living room and a rather large kitchen, let alone a big back garden. It's a bit too much for her now she's alone. So the sensible part of me says this is a good idea, but deep down, and I mean deep down I'm hurting over this.

This is the family home, it is the only family home I know, I was 6 months old when my mum and dad moved into this house, so this March it will be 35 years she's lived in that house. Added to the fact that next door but one, was where my dad was born and brought up, that drive holds everything that is close to my heart for my family. I can't simply imagine not calling that place home, EVER. If I had the money I'd buy that house off my mum tomorrow, and not bat an eye lid about it. At the end of the day it's for me HOME. I always imagined that my mum would spend the rest of her days there, with all the friends and neighbours that she's made over the past 35 years. From my earliest memories there are still 8 families that still live in that drive that I grew up with.

I'm trying to get my head around this, it isn't my sister talking here I know it isn't, but I just didn't see this coming. As I say it's a good idea for mum, but from the sentiment aspect I'm a little suprised.

Away from that this weekend has been a pleasant one, in terms of me just lolling around and not doing a lot. Work is now nearly completed for this calendar year and I'm certainly on wind down. I think tomorrow I may go in early and see if they want the soft play room cleaning. I know it's a long laborious job, but it's one to fill the hours in that I need to work this week.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Bridge Building

Well today is my sisters birthday and over the period of this journal, I've probably stated on many occasions that my sister and I don't get along that well. It's true I'm telling you we don't, and it's meant that access to my niece has been restricted. That I'll never forgive my sister for, it's not as if I'm a danger to my niece far from it in fact, but hey if that's how my sister and her husband see it then all be it.

However over the past couple of months though, I've seen a thaw in my sisters attitude to myself. These have come at times when her husband has been away from home on business. It's got me thinking that all the animosity isn't generated by my sister, but in fact by my brother in law. I know what the problem is, but it's nothing that should have created a rift like it is right now. It's his problem and shouldn't be passed on.

So bridge building has began between myself and my sister and that I'm pleased about. It's a shame that we've let things slip between us. We have never been that close, but it's coming to a point in our lives that we have to realise that we are going to be the only ones left of our family soon and that is important to both of us and I guess it's the building block as to the bridge. Long may we continue till the bridge is finally completed if it indeed can be completed.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

United in Pride

Some of you may think that I'm going to launch into some sort of push or entry into my sexuality or some sort of celebration into that, but those of you who do from the title will be wrong.

The title is simply a reference towards what happened yesterday. MANCHESTER UNITED 3 - Manchester city 1
, it wasn't the biggest win in recent times for either side, but the significance is huge. For this gives rights to the red side of Manchester bragging rights till the teams next play, it gives United fans the pride to walk around town, and into work tomorrow morning and feel safe from any city fan winding them up. For the city fans it's a matter of take the stick they'd give to us if they had won, and boy does that hurt when you are on the end of it. I guess that I'm very happy with the result. More than happy, as it was at the end of a tough period in the season for the team, and now they are having a couple of days rest, before preparations for next Sunday's game.

With the local derby being played this weekend, I was able to focus on that towards the end of the week. I should point out that this weekend has been work free and I'm so relaxed and chilled that Monday will be fine in terms of work, unless something major crops up, which it won't. So if anything, I'm probably at my best for some time right now, ready to envelope the world around me and waiting for a call or text from Lisa to say we'll meet up later today. I'm hoping for that, but I'm not going to let it effect me if she doesn't I know she's busy and that she's a million and one things to do this weekend. It would be nice to see her though.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

The End is near!

A huge title for this post, but one with a little meaning to it. Before anyone panics that I'm thinking of killing myself again. Well I don't mean I've killed myself before now, or else how would I be posting here?? I'm not an immortal nor am I some sort of time hopping alien, I'm just referring to me THINKING of killing myself again. That hasn't been the case of late anyway. The title of the post refers to the fact we are in December and that of course it means the end of the year is upon us again.

Over the next month or so I'll probably start to reflect heavily on what has been another packed year for myself with some highs and lows and lot's in between. I wouldn't suggest it's the best year of my life, but it's not the worse by a long way. So the last six months or so have been filled with depression and recovery, it's not been as bad as some years.

So what has been going on since the last post, which seems like ages ago now. Well I've been surviving again, and doing so in some fashion. Whilst not being too happy with things at work, due in part to the incompetence of a colleague who has managed to throw back all the support I've given her over the past six months in my face in one weekend, I'm happy with the way things are going. I've worked none stop at work for the past three weeks now, and so I'm looking forward to a quiet weekend where I can sit down and relax and hope to disperse all the stresses and tensions built up from work over recent weeks. I'm starting to suffer from headaches right now, which is due in part to work.

My leg still has some bruising on it, and most of the heavy bruising has gone, though the internal bruising is still there. If I look at my leg, you can still see how much darker the skin around the area where I hit the bath than the rest of my leg. This is now five weeks on and still some surface bruising exists. It's certainly the worst that I've ever suffered, and that's saying something considering the state of my legs.

I'm down to just a couple of presents to get for Christmas now, and that's pleasing to know, but of course the presents left are going to be hard to find as I don't know what to obtain for those that I need. That though makes Christmas all the more exciting I guess. I do know that within the next week or so I'm going to have to go into mum's loft and get all the decorations and stuff down. It's a hell of a job, due to the state of mum's loft, but hey it's gotta be done.

The End is near!

A huge title for this post, but one with a little meaning to it. Before anyone panics that I'm thinking of killing myself again. Well I don't mean I've killed myself before now, or else how would I be posting here?? I'm not an immortal nor am I some sort of time hopping alien, I'm just referring to me THINKING of killing myself again. That hasn't been the case of late anyway. The title of the post refers to the fact we are in December and that of course it means the end of the year is upon us again.

Over the next month or so I'll probably start to reflect heavily on what has been another packed year for myself with some highs and lows and lot's in between. I wouldn't suggest it's the best year of my life, but it's not the worse by a long way. So the last six months or so have been filled with depression and recovery, it's not been as bad as some years.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Nine Days

It's been 9 days since my last entry and whilst I promised one sooner, so many other things have been going on that my ability to write anything has been hindered due to time constraints. I can offer you nothing other than that as an excuse.

Well the conference was something I can look back on and say I really enjoyed. I know that some of the material went over my head, but with time to comprehend what went on a weekend ago, it's a bit clearer. I may not be on the boil in terms of actual union business as such, but I'm a bit happier having attended the conference. I'm feeling a bit more comfortable with the proposed role within the union as such. Apart from the union content the networking was excellent and something that I'm glad I was able to do. Life may not be great right now, but with a little help and a bit of understanding things might and I say might just take place.

So what of me? What has taken so much of my time that it has delayed any further posts in here, just as I was getting back into the swing of things? Well I think it's a culmination of work, and me trying to sort myself out. My money situation isn't any better, and I'm still trying to sort that out big style, so I've been spending time away from my place trying to avoid spending money on me, and thus saving in a unique sort of way. I've been doing extra hours at work, which I'm now going to get paid for, I need to sort out what I'm going to be paid for and what I'm not going to be paid for and then sort out the holidays that I can have and want to take. With that in mind, I'll be taking around 5 five weeks off in the next 3 months and possibly 6 if I have to, but I don't mind either. The 5 would be the better figure as that would mean that the 33 hours extra that I've worked will be paid for and give me a bit of a boost in the financial situation and just before Christmas as well.

So with the above and me trying to sort myself out and decide when would be the best to write as I've been in such a state that perhaps writing wouldn't have been the best idea. Not that I don't mind writing when I'm down as the regulars around here can testify, I just think it tends to repeat and that's boring. Also by giving myself time, I've been able to rationalize things and make this a more articulate post.

Maybe once my money is sorted out and I can see the light I may be able to sort other aspects of my life out. I'm being lazy with some parts of my life and that's not fair on me, but then the things I'm lazy about are things that require money and if that's the case they become low priority as such. I am now starting to be more selfish in that I'm going to concentrate on me and me alone again. If people don't like it then they can lump it. I've put others in front of myself too often and I need to be fair to myself.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

A little grain can go far.

Well it's the last day of the conference today, and though some of it has gone right over my head, and some of it hasn't I'm really pleased to have attended. It's been something to meet and network with new people and also to find myself in a position to feel as if some of my contributions will make a difference to the campaigns of the Union. OK, it's only a very small part, but it's still good to feel involved and yes it's going to be a crash and learn run over the next few months in terms of trying to find out what I'm doing and how to do it, but hey that's what probably makes it interesting for me.

I guess only time will tell if I learn and if I can fulfill my ambitions, but it's something along the way to help me feel comfortable. In that I mean in speaking etc, which is something that my counselor has been trying to get me to do. I doubt that I'll speak at the conference this time, though that might change this morning, but even if I don't I am coming to the opinion that perhaps it isn't as scary as I thought and the very fact that I'm contemplating it right now is more than I could have imagined.

Everything else is moving along fine, I'm managing to keep my sanity and dignity at the moment, and that's good. I've had to scrape the barrel as such to keep myself afloat, but it's done with now and I can move forward with my life and hope that for the remainder of the year, I'm in a happy place, free of worries over anything and everything.

I will attempt either tonight or tomorrow to write a bit more, but it depends on how I feel and of course the time issue. Right now I'm going to have to close this down as the first session of the conference today is at 9.15, which is just over an hour away, but I've got to get the Tram into Manchester and then get myself settled, which isn't always easy as those of you have read most of the blog will testify.

Friday, November 17, 2006

I'm Human

Well it's the end of the week and start of the weekend as such, and that normally means time off work for myself, something like 4 days, but not this week. I've got a conference to go to in Manchester, which starts today and ends on Sunday, which means my days off are taken away from me. I hope that I can take them back in terms of time owed in lieu, but we'll wait and see.

I think this week has proven to myself that for all my tough exterior and posturing I'm human and that the one basic thing that I need, that I lack in my life is attention. I know I have Lisa to talk too, but it's always Lisa and whilst I'll never take her for granted, it would be great to find someone else. Someone local perhaps, someone who I could meet up with, go out with pop around and chat too on the off chance. Some one whom I could call a friend, it isn't much to ask or want is it??

I've not done a window weather check for ages have I? Well how can I describe it outside today? Well the leaves on the tree's that I said were still green a couple of weeks ago are now a golden colour, but still on the tree's. The much talked about tree next door, the one that was suddenly chopped down during the summer still has plenty of green leaves on it, as they are fairly new leaves in that respect. The clouds about the tree's are a murky looking the colouratoin isn't too disimilar to the state of the bruising on my leg right now. The clouds are racing through the window view as I type, and so my deduction is a typical Mancunian winters day. Gloomy, with a strong possibility of rain.

The mention of my leg in the previous paragraph draws me back to that topic. Since I posted the pictures on my other site, the bruising has got worse, and even as late as last night I found yet more bruising. This time around the instep side of my ankle, which circles around the ankle itself. From the knee down, my leg is black and blue, and though no where near as painful as originally ( I can walk without a limp, though it still does give enough pain to cause me to limp), it's still nasty. It's going to take a few weeks for this to heal properly if not till next year even!!! OK, let's be honest a few weeks can mean anything can't it, and it's only 5 weeks before the end of the year! 5 weeks it's no time at all is it? Where has this year got too?

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Every Cloud has....

So let's finish the saying in the title, Every Cloud has a silver lining. There it's done, but why has every cloud a silver lining? Well I'll tell you why, because all the clouds are gray and life is crap. I'm really am struggling at the moment, if it's not one thing, it's another and some how everything is intertwined for me, nothing is straight forward. It doesn't help when you've got no money either. I'm somehow managing to live off soup, pasta, bread and milk, and have done for around 5 weeks now. I think in that period of time my food bill hasn't topped £10, and yet I've got no more money till pay day now, which isn't till next Thursday!!!!

Yes, I know the money situation is my own fault, but and I say BUT, as it's not always my own fault. If we look at what's taken the big chunk of the money away recently it's my car. Now that's something I need, if I didn't have my car, I'd still be working at the school, being so fed up and miserable, but at least comforted with the knowledge that I'd be coming up to a holiday soon. I don't know if I'd be in a class or not, but with all the problems I'm hearing from those still up there and how I was when I was there I'm happy to be out as such. So my car is essential, but then the alternate view is if my car is going to keep costing me to make it safe for it's MOT, then perhaps a new car is needed. That though will of course cost me money which I haven't got and if I were to buy the said new car, I'd end up in money problem again till I get paid after buying the car.

So that's the car, but of course the fact that I can't predict what the problems with the car will be, as I'm no mechanic it doesn't help me. All I know is to add the fuel, oil and water. I know that this time around that I needed a load of welding which if I'm honest and very brutally honest will come from the accident that I had last year where I ended up in a ditch. I wrote that incident down back then, but I thought I was clear in terms of damage to the car, but I guess that it's just kicked me hard in the teeth last month. I can't say it's a direct consequence, but I can have a pretty good idea that it's related. Still it's only now that I can think that, but even so, I doubt I could have predicted how much the bill would be this time.

Having no money in terms of food is a slight problem, as I've been able to eat at my mums quite a lot, which has saved me some money, but I do need to buy some stuff for mum, as a repayment, but of course I can't do that right now. Which would normally be fine, but as it's in my mind I'm getting really frustrated and unhappy about the situation. Then as always I end up in a dark depressive mood. The money situation also leads to problems like not being able to afford to get my hair cut, which while being the least of my priorities right now, has a detrimental effect on me psychologically in terms of me being paranoid over my appearance, which for me is very important, or at least how others perceive me, and if my appearance is poor then I'm really agitated by it and again get very depressive.

Added to all the above is that this weekend I'm due to attend a conference in Manchester, which is all well and good. Yet, I've no money to socialize afterwards, which doesn't really concern me, but it would be nice. I'm concerned I've got no money to get me to the bloody conference, and now I find that Lisa is coming home this weekend. Just at the time I could do with a sit down and chat, I'm going to be busy all the time she's down. Is it any wonder that all the clouds are gray/silver in appearance to myself right now. That's just the psychological stuff, add to that the work isn't the greatest of environments right now and of course my leg is still causing me problems after the fall on Sunday. My life could be described as hell, but I'm sure that hell is a nice place compared to inside my head and inside my life right now.

Monday, November 13, 2006


Well the weekend is over and the only bright spot in the whole scope of the weekend was me waking up on Saturday morning. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. The past couple of days have been horrible in so many different ways that it's a weekend I'd rather forget.

I'm not even going to go over everything that went on or has caused me to feel like I do, though I will go over the fact that I spent part of last night in the local A&E department, with a nasty cut to my shin. That came about from having a dizzy spell on getting out of the bath and falling back into the bath, and cracking my shin on the side of the bath. I've felt pain before, but this was just throbbing and to be honest, it was bleeding quite badly. The nature of the fall and the injury made me go down to the local hospital. They X-rayed the thing and they couldn't find any break or fracture, which I'm thankful for, though the shin is very badly bruised and if I put any pressure on the leg it's still bleeding slightly.

Wednesday 15th Nov, update.... The pictures of the leg injury now posted over at my picture blog site. Those of a squeamish nature beware

It's not the first time I've been down to A&E with a fall after a dizzy spell, and though they dismissed it as being just a problem with me getting up quickly, it doesn't help me when I know that of late I've had a few spells of being very light headed and so on whilst sat down. I'm going to have to go to the doctors with that and see what she says. I'm not concerned as I can live with the spells, but I would like to know what they are and hat's causing them. Also it is a worry that one may occur whilst I'm driving which could be lethal (which as long as no one else is involved in any accident, may be a good thing perhaps).

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Foxy Friday

I've left the blog a few days to calm down a bit, as I went a bit OTT with all those entries considering my previous record of late, but it still feels good to be posting again.

So what of the past few days? Well they've been a strange mix of moods, highs and lows with equal proportion and yet nothing which has given me a stupendous high or a climatic low. I've plodded along to the beat of life. Work hasn't been too bad either and so with every thing else I'm pleased to say I'm a little contented.

What else then? Well I can say that on Thursday morning, or it could have been Friday? Friday it was, I was busy sat in front of my computer either looking at various web pages or playing games and two cats who used to play in either my back garden or next door's before they got the dog were chasing and winding each other up between my garden and the one beyond that, but not in next door. After watching them for about 30 minutes or so, they suddenly ran off very quickly and out of my back garden and out of view. I didn't think much of it, till about a minute later, when I noticed something else clambering over the fence into next door's garden. I thought it was another cat at first, as it was a different colour to the previous cats, then I looked again and lo and behold at around 10.30 in the morning a fox was in next door's garden. A scruffy looking fox to be honest, not one of your bright orange and bushy tail creatures, but a rustic dark brown, similar to dirt and wood chip you have in your garden. Just about to publish this post when I had a sudden thought, the fox may well have been a vixen, and that could have explained the colouring and what ever? That would make things extremely interesting.

It's the first time I've seen a fox in next door's garden and certainly in daylight. I think I've only ever seen 1 fox before in day light and that was down the road from here at one of the school's I used to work at. Until then it had only been either at dawn or in the twilight period. Still it made my day in many ways, something completely different.

Another week or so to go before pay day and I think I might just hold out this month, it's a struggle, but I'm getting through it some how. I don't think my mum knows how much problems I've got, but I'm working at it to sort it out.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Billy No Name

Here I am again, another two post day, but let's be honest now it's nearly midnight and the following day from the previous post. So this one can be a go between almost between the one today and any possible post tomorrow.

Today wasn't too bad if I hold my hands up, though the final hour at work was just a nightmare. It's easy to get wound up by it, but all that does is send me into a dark place, and I've learned the hard way that if I send myself into a dark place it's a long journey back. I'm talking about it here now, but in general I try and leave my job behind me now, it gives me time at home for ME time, and as I said earlier today that is important. I guess that tomorrow is another day with another set of problems and another late finish. I'm not really enjoying finishing at around 8pm after starting work at 2pm, it's a mighty long shift and with two different children to work with it's just a stressful time. I'm going to try and get some things set out with both of the children tomorrow, but it's never really that easy with the children I work with.

What else to write about? Well not to much, if anything this post is just an attempt to fill in a bit of time before the drop falls in Montreal for an Habs v Oilers game in the NHL. The Oilers are going to have a change of fortune tonight, I've a feeling the ref's might just call things slightly in the Oilers favour after last weekends dreadful nightmare. I think I'm going to stop up for this one tonight, I know I've work tomorrow, but a late night isn't to bad for tomorrow, nor for Thursday either, so a double helping of hockey perhaps? I may be lucky tomorrow, I'm not 100% and may find the Oilers on tv. If so it's around to my mum's till the early morning watching the game, not being afraid of watching now my curse has been broken. In fact, I'm chomping at the bit as they say to watch a game of hockey. I've not had the money to go and watch the new Manchester team this year yet, and I'm just eager to sit down or stand and watch a full game of hockey rather than just the high and low lights.

Finding Inspiration

I missed yesterday off, I don't really know why, as I could have found inspiration from lots of things to write about. Instead I chose to ignore those and do something else. That's what I call lazy, well it wasn't it was ME time and I've found that I need to have ME time on a regular basis, if I want to retain my sanity and upsurge in reasonable mood.

So after the explosive cocktail that is Bonfire night, it's down to the long build up to the next major celebration in the UK calendar, Christmas. I guess that I should now put my thinking cap on and start to think of what I need to buy. I've been given idea's with regards a couple of people, so I've not got many more to choose from I guess. Yet, it's still going to cost and right now I haven't the funds to afford any presents as of this moment, but will have by the end of the month. I keep forgetting that it's only like 2 weeks away from pay day and I'll have some money to play with then.

Right I should point something out right now, it's not important in the whole picture, but it's worth making a point that whilst I'm writing this my mind keeps a going a blank. I've started to write without a clear picture of what I wanted to write. So for inspiration I've tried washing my dishes from breakfast, and that hasn't work. So this post may go on for a while longer before I decide what the main reason for the post is. I may of course end up just cataloging lot's of different activities that I'm trying to spark an inspiration for this post.

Ok, a combination of things have now helped me move on from above. After getting ready, i.e. washed and dressed I've come up with something, it's not much, but it just might work.

Time is something no one can prevent taking it's toll, if it's not our bodies, it's our minds that are effected by it. No matter how hard we try, how much money you spend against it, time just marches on like a relentless roman army. Now then yesterday saw the 20th anniversary of the appointment of Sir Alex Ferguson, as manager of Manchester United. During that time, he's taken the club, to beyond the reaches of imagination and back, and though he's been paid a great deal of money to do so, and he's had a financial backing few managers in football can claim to have had, he's built sides out of home grown players as well as bringing in the best talent available. It's some achievement, when I read that the average life span of a manager at a club these days is little over a year, so 20 years at the same club is unique. Yet, all the press coverage, and all the accolades that he has taken over the past week or so, is little reward for the likes of you and I. If I class all the years of volunteering, being a temporary member of staff and now a full time member of staff, I'll have been involved with Barnardo's for 20 years next year. Will I get the same media attention? Would any of you?

I'm not belittling what Sir Alex has done, far from it! Being a fan of the club and being privileged to have seen the first 19 years of his managerial cruise, I've seen things that as a kid I could only dream of. I've seen the high life as such, and no other manager could have done that. What I'm trying to say is that the world over there are many people who last over 20 years in there jobs and don't get a peep, and if it's such a huge thing then perhaps they should.

Going back to Sir Alex, he was appointed as manager obviously in 1986, which is a hell of a long time ago, made all the more scary in many ways for myself, in that whilst listening to my media player last night, out blurted Queen, with Radio Ga-Ga from the Live at Wembley 86 cd. So what you may ask, well it struck me that with all the Queen covers and what ever, at that point how vivid and how powerful Freddie Mercury's voice was. It blew me away again, and having already stated that I've recently fallen back in love with music, this was just mind numbing. It's 20 years since I saw them live and still today I can't recall seeing a better live act than Queen with Freddie in all his pomp. 1986 was in many ways a very special year, and in the midst of all of it, I was stuck in high school!

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Remember Remember

Well it's Bomi night over in England and though I suspect most of the Bonfire Night parties and displays went on last night being a Saturday, I'm sure well have quite a few going on tonight, so for the second night running England will sound like anywhere in Iraq, Afghanistan or Gaza, with all the fireworks exploding. The older I get the less impressed with the fireworks I am, though they can still be very pretty.

Here I am writing without an agenda and apart from the above I've nothing to write, though of course by writing this second paragraph, I'm hoping the creative juices will kick in and send me off onto another reasonable blog entry.

Yes, I've found something, something that relates to yesterday's post as well. I mentioned the call on the Oilers in there game on Friday night that cost them the game. Well since my last post the coach of the Oilers has been fined for "crossing the line" with his comments with regards to the referee that called the game. All well and good, there is a line all coaches and players have in calling the officials before they have to be punished for going to far. I think I said I don't normally agree with the words he used being used, but felt that he had justification in doing so. Well a $10,000 fine seems like a big slap on the wrist for those comments. Though the question has to be asked what of the referee himself??

Well the NHL seem happy enough that he went straight out to the media, and said he made the wrong call, he'd made a mistake and that was that. Well why should it be that? I mean should any of you that read this blog and work go into work on Monday or whenever and make a huge mistake that is openly viewable to one and all, you'd be in big trouble. Would you get away with saying sorry to the press if they got involved before your bosses came? No I doubt it, in fact you'd probably find yourself finding your cards in your pay cheque and a thank very much for the problem. So what have the NHL done to the referee? Nothing in public and probably won't as they see him as being fit for his job. It's a joke! In the UK, the referee's of the top sport, soccer have been promoted and demoted between the top and lower leagues, if they have failed on a continual basis. In fact that demotion can take place for one mistake. The NHL have to make the referee be seen to pay for his mistake.

Rant over, topic isn't closed to me, but it's no point in complaining it looks like the nothing will come of the complaints anyway.

Just to go way off topic, but here we are and guess what we are now 50 days away from Christmas, which makes 49 shopping days to go!! If you haven't got your presents then start thinking and start saving up or else you'll find yourself in trouble.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Referee Ga Ga....

It was late, I was tired, and I wanted to go to bed, and so I did. That's the way the last entry finished, which isn't a bad thing, just that I didn't note that had it been earlier in the night I'd have probably woke up in the middle of the night to listen to the Oilers v Stars game on the radio. As it happens I didn't do that I'm whilst I'm glad I didn't in some ways, it doesn't make up for the anger inside me at the way the game ended. That has to be the worse bit of officiating I've seen in any sport, at any level. Not only did one of the ref's decide to make a T-Rex of a shit call, he did so without even considering going upstairs to review the play, as the whole play had led to a goal being scored.

That said I'm back for the third post within a 24 hour period, and whilst that's not the first time it's happened, it's the first time in a long time that I've felt my creative juices flowing enough to write about things. It's not that any of what I write is created out of my mind as such, it's just that for me to write anything here or anywhere for that matter I've got to be in a particular mood to do so. I've recently been accused of writing War and Peace, when a simple sonnet would do. I'm not going to argue on that, I can waffle, I can pad things out, but that's because I want to make a point over something and to make it clear enough for one and all to read. I could use local slang all the time, and confuse the hell out of the lot of you, but I don't, and won't.

So what set's the juices flowing? Well for my best works, I have to be depressed in some respect, I'm much more open and fluid in terms of myself at those times. I think it's the fact that my defenses have been breached and that leads to the inner self to escape. At times like they are right now the walls or barriers are up, and it's struggle for anyone to get into me, as much as it is for me to let go. That's why this place stagnates I guess when I'm in a reasonable mood, I just can't let go of anything, which would be of interest. Yet, right now things are going ok, and the juices are flowing, but I'm not down. I don't know what is going on, but then again if you look at the topics of late, very little of it is about ME, it's about others around me and I haven't let much out of the bag.

The one thing that I can let go for the world to know, is that quite recently I've become much more centred around myself. In that I mean that I'm starting to care about myself again. Maybe with the money situation I'm in and not having lots of snacks or stuff to eat, I've started to look into getting myself into shape, losing some weight and in general being nice to myself. This is a huge effort on my part, as even in these times when things are good for me, I still can't say I love myself, I still can't say I like myself. I don't hate myself either, but for me it's been a marathon just to get to the point of not hating myself. I guess now, after some time to recover I'm starting to feel the urge to run another marathon and to push myself to liking myself. So this is perhaps the stretches before the training runs.

One of the things that trying to be more self centred has done and it's strange really, is to have made look at the things I can do for nothing to help ME out. One of those things is to re-discover music as such. OK, for most of life I've got music playing, if I'm in the flat, I've got media player going constantly with the play list on shuffle, the same in my car, the radio or cd player are on all the time. Yet, with the music being on all the time, it becomes secondary to everything and I just accept it, and every so often a song gets played that I've not heard for a while and I go WOW. With me thinking about me, I've sort of started to listen to the music properly again and started to dance within the confines of my flat. It's sort of really embarrassing to admit that, but it's helped me find some of my favourite songs again and why I like them so much. Being self centred has helped me find things I like, and what makes me happy. More of this over the next few weeks and I may be ready to go training far sooner than I first imagined.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Way too much

Two posts in a day, please don't think that I'm slipping into a depression far from it to be honest. Just that I felt like typing something else right now for no particular reason.

I had a session with the counselor this afternoon, and whilst not as emotional as my previous session I guess that I looked into me as a person more. I told her things today that I've stated here, like how much of a contradiction I am. How I like to be the centre attention and yet I hate being the centre of attention at the same time. She's set me some homework to do, which is easily achievable, and one which I intend doing. Unlike my previous counselor, the home work I get isn't based on reading books or lots of sociology or psychology books. It's plain and simple and one which, whilst not really thinking about it can do.

This sounds really bad, but I'm being honest here, I've found a bond with this counselor and one which will make the sessions work, in a similar fashion to Cherrie, the counselor I had whilst at college. Cherrie is arguably the best I've seen and the one who got most out of me, and I'm grateful for that. She saw me at my very worse and got me through some really dark times. I'm eternally grateful for that, but it's been years since I saw her in a professional capacity and though I've moved on in so many ways since, I've also lost touch with some of the things that she got out of me. She's still one of the few people to get me to a point where I could say comfortably that I like myself and indeed one session I got to the point of feeling like I loved myself. That sadly was a one off, and something that I want to be able to find once more.

So what else? Well it's finally become winter here in Salford, though not quite yet. The tree's outside my place still have plenty of green leaves on them, and no they are not just deciduous trees some of them are plain ordinary tree's and that's very interesting for me. The longer they keep the leaves the warmer the winter is than usual, and that means the world is getting warmer. I miss the cold, dark winter days that we used to have when I was in school. Building slides up and down the playground, on the roads, seeing who could slide the furthest was so enjoyable. Nowadays, the kids have no idea of what fun winter can be. As soon as the nights draw in, they settle in for the winter, on the play station or X box, playing games till it's time for bed and not exploring the outside world. I feel for the kids of today.

Anyway, I'm going to have to leave this post here, to sort out my sound system, as all of a sudden I've no sound from my computer. After publishing this, it's re-boot the system to try and solve the problem. I can't be doing with a blown system right now, I ain't got the money to replace it with.

Not as Long

Well OK, it's been a while longer than I had imagined, but here's the next installment of my blog. It does seem that people do come and read this page, so it's a nod to them for doing so, even if I'm not writing as much as I used too. In some ways I'm a little surprised that I'm not contributing more considering how many things are conspiring against me to make my life unhappy.

Still the fact that they are not, means I may be coping a bit better now than at any time before. I hold my breath on that thought, and the fact I've written it, means that something will probably end up happening to send me tail spinning into the void.

Life hasn't been too good to be honest since the last post, though I've been living off next to nothing and will continue to do so for the next few weeks. I think that has had a positive effect on me this time. OK, I wish I had the money to live a better life, and to feel secure, but right now, I'm living off basics and if anything that's become something to achieve and thus making me feel good for doing so. I can do that, I don't need to spend on luxuries to be happy. They help, they can make one feel positive about oneself, but at the end of the day what I'm doing now is the same, all be it in a different way. If I can get through this month without much and then start to sort myself out again then, perhaps thing might start to happen again. I may be able to plan etc. Then again in terms of monies, just as I get straight Xmas will arrive and of course that will only lead me to spending more than intended. The circle of debt never seems to leave me.

At work things are plodding along. I wouldn't say they are great, nor are they really bad, but I do know that things could be better and that some of the questions I've asked haven't been answered and nor are they likely to be in the next few weeks I guess. I'm still sort of waiting to be told if I can have any extra hours or not, which would go some way to breaking the circle of debt. Though of course it would probably lead me to more debt, though I really doubt it. Whilst I'm in debt right now, it's not because I really spend that much money, it's just that I spend what I earn, and that's the problem. Whilst learning to live in the aforementioned manner, I did get myself into debt and have since been living with it. I don't pay off the debt, but nor does it tend to get any bigger due to the fact I live off what I earn. The circle of debt I guess.

Out of work things have been extremely quiet over the past weeks or so. I've not been out since the night out with Lisa a few weeks back. I've not been able to afford to go out to be honest, and won't be able to for a while now. I know getting out is important for my own sanity, but is it really important? I don't really know as at times going out often leaves me with a huge self image problem or some other scar. I end up getting down on myself, which in turn leads me to depression. So let's look at this properly at some other time. Why do I allow myself to be my worst enemy all the time? It's got to be some thing about me, that me don't like. I'm not 100% sure of this, as I'm probably happier now with myself than at any other point in my life. So why do I still bully myself???

Saturday, October 21, 2006


I think I've managed to stop people from reading this blog, by my lack of posts of late, which means that I may be able to write and keep this place active without any one caring or bothering what I write.

Not that I wanted that at first, and to a point it's never been about what others read here, it's how I feel and what I want to write. If I didn't have anything to write then I wouldn't put it down in here. I do have things to air, I have views and problems that whilst not solved in here, can help me over come them.

Well my train of thought here has been lost! I've just had my mail for the day, and if anything it's derailed my mind. I'm in serious trouble with my bank, and yet they are too blame. Why set limits for people only for them not to adhere to them? I'm really angry at this. I need help with my money, something that increasing my hours would help, but by the sounds of things that isn't going to happen at all. I'm so desperate that I'll do anything. The problem being that I can't do anything at night or through the day to be honest. I'm so knackered that I don't know what to do. I doubt I'll ever be sorted and doubt I'll ever be able to afford anything again that I want.

Others survive, but they have other means of income and tend to have 2 lots of money coming into the household. I'm very tempted to end it all right now, I can't see a future for me at all. I was just thinking about possibly going to see Lisa at some point prior to Christmas, but that has to be shelved right away, and I can't see me doing that till at least June of next year. It isn't fair, I've worked all my life with the exception of 6 months after leaving Uni, and I've nothing to show for it. I'm so peeved off that I just don't want to carry on.

I was just getting over things till this came around, I can't understand my bank at all, they must have some sense on this. I'm going to go in and complain on Monday. I've had enough of them to be honest. What can I do to help myself when they take charges off me and then don't stick to the limits they've set. It's tangamount to robbery.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006


I promised and failed to deliver the blog entry to describe the time between the previous two posts. I'm sorry one and all. That's the apologies over with.....

The past few weeks have been a journey of little bumps, and have made life a tad boring to be honest. I've done nothing of real note that would make interesting reading. That doesn't mean that I should forget or not write anything as that makes any catch up period for any reason a real difficult process.

The two weeks I had off from work were for the main uneventful, as stated previously I took mum to the Lakes, and that was about it. At no point did I go anywhere of real significance. Ok, so during the last week of my holidays I had my 35th birthday, which was celebrated with 3 cards (I don't normally count, but 3 is a significantly low number). Out of the 3 were two from family, and the other Lisa! So where was the card from anyone at work? Well that's a story to be told.

Last year I'm sure that I stated that I didn't get a card on my birthday, and that they claimed they had the wrong date and all that jazz, well this year I sort of wondered what would happen. My birthday was in the middle of the week, so any card could have been sent at the start of the week, no problem. None arrived on my birthday, which though a little hurtful, I guessed that they may have made a mistake again, but come the Thursday morning I was going to London for a LBGT meeting at head office. That was a really enjoyable experience again. Mainly as I'd never been inside of head office, though I'd been in and around the area, when visiting Eden a few years back.

So come the Thursday morning I headed off to the train station, in the knowledge that no post had arrived and thus they had the Friday to redeem themselves at work, as that would match the date they had on the list from last year. I got to the train station and got on the train and to be honest the journey went really fast. I read the first Lance Armstrong autobiography, which filled me with so much fight and spirit that I forgot all about the card situation. Once down in London and camped in my room for the night, I read a little and listened to music, via my phone whilst resting before tea that night.

The meeting was one of the better meetings and I was thrilled to see so many colleagues from head office attending the open session we had after lunch. It was a positive sign and an idea to carry forward to the next few meetings. I'm sure that we can continue this. Anyway, once home, I found no post again. This hurt, work had obviously forgot it was my birthday and this was just a negative reinforcer that I'm not liked that much and that I'm easily forgetable. I vowed that I wouldn't sign any cards within the office for anyone else as it would be hypercritical of me to do so.

I think that move made people sit up and ask why I wasn't signing cards as I got back in there were three cards to sign and I didn't sign any even though they were thrust in front of me. I know one or two asked why and I just said it was personal to me, and not those to whom the cards were intended. Anyway, in the end someone either did there own detective work or guessed what the situation was, and within 3 days, I'd got wine, chocolates and flowers with belated birthday cards. Ok, the thought is nice, but the action has taken place and I was and am genuinely hurt.

That was minor though, nothing to throw me into the depths of despair, that came with the news that my car needed £160 worth or repairs to get it though the M.O.T test for another year. I know the car isn't worth much more than that, but it's essential for me to have my car, and when the bill came I knew that I'd be left with little or no money for the month. Things since then have been rather difficult and if I'm honest have been rather depressing, but I'm not going to let that get me down. It's not something that I could have predicted or prevented. The age of the car and the timing are against me, with car tax and insurance all due at the same time as the M.O.T it means that time of the year will be difficult whenever.

I shall point out here, that in an effort to combat that I've asked at work if it's possible to increase my hours from 21 per week to 31, which would mean a significant pay rise. I know that in the past I would have been asked by now for this, but it's a different situation right now and I've asked out of hope and have been honest with the project manager that the main incentive for this is money. I don't mind doing the extra hours, the amount of times I've been over my hours at work should show them that I'm willing to do more hours. We'll see where we go from here on in I guess. With my line manager leaving shortly I may be in with a chance, but that's all a chance.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

18 Long Days

It's been 18 days since I last wrote in here, and I was getting back into the swing of things as well. So I'm going to have to give this place some real thought and some time for a long post trying to recollect the missing days and also what to to write about some of the things that have taken place.

I guess the biggest part of the news is that I'm now officially a year older than I was when I last wrote here. The years are flying by, and they get quicker and shorter as time goes by. So I guess that I'm going to have to blog more often to keep up with time then!!! Tonight won't be the big entry, that will either be Thursday or Friday, most probably Friday as I'm not in work and I can really sit down and write till my hearts content. Nothing to prevent me writing in here for a a full 24 hours, but that entry would probably take 24 hours to upload up, so let's just wait and see.

I'm really sorry for not writing in the past 18 days, it's not as if I've not had time to do so, it's just pure laziness and that's down right poor form from me. I need to buck my idea's up. Whilst I don't know how many of you people come back on a regular basis, my continued absense from writing will only jepordise those few who constantly read the ramblings that I call a blog.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Good Olde English Grub...

So the week is coming to an end and to be honest I've done very little except to sit on my backside and relax, which is something I don't do enough of. Saying that yesterday I took my mum up to Windermere and then we walked around Kendal, which was very nice. The weather was just perfect if not just a tad windy in places, but we couldn't have asked for anything better.

I certainly enjoyed what I saw and tasted as we stopped off on the way back at a farm shop, which did some crafts, but mainly farm foods. They also had a beautiful Tea Room, oh so very English I know, but too hell with it... As we'd not long since had a drink, we just ate and what a delight it was. My mum had a country vegatable soup, which I'm 100% sure was made of the veg off the farm, it was a proper soup in that sense and mum really enjoyed it. I on the other hand had a ham sandwich with mustard and salad. The ham was from the farm's pigs and was cured at the farm as well. The mustard complimented the ham so well that on finishing the meal and leaving the tea room, I went and purchased a jar of the said mustard in the shop downstairs.....

For me in many ways that was the highlight of the day, the reason being, for all the shop and tea room was well staffed, and it's obvious that this place does a very good trade and would probably put any local shops to shame, it was still very much a farm shop. The fact that they cooked what they produced was how it should be and how it used to be. The taste of the food was superb, and value for money. Kendal was nice the shops were great, in as much as for all the leading brands were around, they still had plenty of local shops within the town centre. For regular readers, you'll know my disdain for town/city centres which have lost the local shops to the major branded stores. Also the plaques on alot of the building told the tale of the buildings and ages, which where mainly built in the mid to late 17th century. I was thrilled to see the town centre almost exactly as it has been for 400 years.

As for previous days this week, I've spent at home or running around with mum. It's not been too bad, and I've only really thought of work on a couple of days. One of them was Wednesday when I had to go into work to drop some things off and to collect some stuff, but hey that's it till October in many ways for me and I'm excited about that. Though this time next week I'll be at the Barnardo's head office for a meeting, I'm still not classing it as work as such.

Lisa emailed me for the first time in 3 weeks on Wednesday, she's been away in America with work. To be honest I've not felt like emailing her, mainly because I knew she wouldn't be around, and I didn't have any need to either. That may sound awful, but what I mean by that, is that I didn't fall into any sort of depression or anything to prompt me to email her to tell her how bad things are. I missed her of course, but not like I did earlier this year when I went that long without emailing her. Is that a sign of me being ok?? I don't know, but this years big depression was from my presumption that Lisa had fallen out with me, and me not speaking to her for ages afterwards. I fretted and worried myself to the point of exhaustion and breaking point. This time, although different in terms of me knowning she wasn't there, I was calm and collective.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Old Age Hurts

Well it's now Sunday, a dank day by the looks of it, but the morning isn't always a good indicator as to what the remainder of the day is about. Yesterday started out like this, but by mid morning it had become a pleasant mid September day. Mum, asked me to take her up to Bury market for some buttons for a couple of jumpers she's knitted. All well and good, but for some reason on Friday my knee's went on me!!! I could hardly move them, let alone walk anywhere. So luckily yesterday we had Mum's disabled car park badges, which gave us access to spaces near the car park. Normally mum moves slower than I, but yesterday for the first time in years, she was speeding away from me. It then didn't help having someone step on the heel of your only good leg, and cause incredible pain in that leg as well.

I was shocked at how bad my knee was yesterday, after the incident with my heel, I noticed that my shoe laces was undone, so I attempted to bend down to tie them, but I couldn't even do that, so I had to find a seat and tie my laces sat on a chair. At 34/35 this isn't a good sign of things to come is it!! In fact it scares the pants off me that my knee's can be so bad at such an age. Even now, as I'm writing this with my leg's crossed I can feel the knee burning up. I'm not sure what's caused this right now, though I guess the gradual change from summer to autumn (fall) and the drop in average temperatures hasn't helped, but the speed at which it's happened has stunned me.

Still on the market yesterday I picked up some really nice cheese, and also for the first time in nearly 28 years some Liquorice Root. The last time I recall having that was on Pendle Hill, when we'd gone out with my aunt from Canada. I can't even recall why I got some that day, but I do remember it and then chewing it and only later being told it was liquorice, which I hate. Still it wasn't too bad then, and last night when I got in and wanted something to eat late on, I got one of the stick's out and chewed, it took away the desire to eat and I actually felt as if I was no longer hungry either. It wasn't as bad as I thoguht it would be and in fact quite pleasant.

Today I'm meeting up with someone that I've not met for a few years, but I'm sure the conversation will get back to the one she always wants to discuss with me, her relationships or should I perhaps say her confusion over her own sexuality. I don't mind, but it's always the same case and whilst I can sit and advise her she never listens and ends up calling me a few months or a couple of years down the line to ask my advice again. It's been like this for the past 14 years or so. At times it's ok, but it's when she text's me constantly that it really get's to me. Still today it gives me an excuse to go to the pub, before the football starts and thus I can listen and watch the football at the same time. That's awful, but it's about as much as she'll listen to me.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Time Off In Lieu

And so begins 2 weeks or so of freedom from work for myself. I'm now at home typing out this blog entry thinking how much I'm not missing work. I'm now on leave taking back all the time that I've worked as over time over the past 12 months or so. I'm a little glad that it's up to around 2 weeks worth of work right now. I'd just about had enough of that place. Not the work, but all the uncertainty and back stabbing that that is causing. I'll be glad when our future is sorted out and probably even more happy when it's time to get back to doing what I'm best with, working with the children.

So what have I got plans to do? Well not a lot today to be honest, the weather has taken a real turn for the worse and from the Indian summer we were having we've got a typical damp, dark, dismal, Salfordian day. What's making it worse is the fact that since the heavy rain stopped earlier this morning it's that constant drizzly rain, the one that gets you very wet without you really taking much notice of it. So me thinks I'll have a quiet day with me, the computer and either dvd's, music or just the net. I'm not going to try and stress myself out much, but trying to do anything. The only maybe about today is that I'm thinking of going to watch the Utd reserves in action against City's reserves. A good old Manchester Derby, all be it at the reserve level. The problem is of course the weather, and it's live on tv. Had it been at the "home" ground I'd be happy to go, but the place that City's reserves play don't have much roof's as it's an athletic's track, so perhaps I'll just sit and watch on the box.

Monday, September 11, 2006


So Saturday night was spent watching The Ozric Tentacles up in Kendal and to be honest I was very impressed. Whilst I've seen many greaters "shows" I don't think I could fault the musicainship much at all on Saturday. Also the venue was just wonderful. If anyone is reading this in England, and if you follow a band that plays small venues and they are playing in Kendal's Brewery Arts Centre, then go watch them there. It's a very intermate venue and one which is in beautiful settings. I for one can't wait to see who else is playing there that might tempt my fancy. Though they came on late, at around 9.30pm it wasn't untill after midnight that they left the stage a final time, which ws very good value for money.

Yesterday was spent chilling out after the night before and one where I did very little. I came home from Lancaster at 11am, but drove the back roads rather than the motorway, which was most enjoyable as we are experiencing something of an Indian Summer here in England right now. So it was a nice pleasant drive where by one didn't have to put my foot down and not take in the whole beauty that is the North West of England. I made a point after my holidays earlier this year that I felt that I'd really like to explore the South and South West more than I did then, but equally the area of the country that I call home has it's own beauty, which I haven't fully explored yet. I do need to spend some time looking around some of the places that I saw signs for yesterday.

Today has been spent in work and at mum's. I'm only in work till Wednesday and then I'm off till October, so it's basically a time of doing what I have to do, to fill in my hours and then leaving. I'm not intending to start anything major between now and Wednesday as I don't wish to leave anything half done before I leave. Still I've got something to look forward to this week, and that always helps make things easier, but it doesn't half mean that work drags on and on, no matter what I'm doing. Once at my mum's I watched the United game from the weekend and then cleaned out one of mum's cupboards. For the past couple of weeks, it's been smelling, but no one can recall spilling anything in there, or even putting anything in there, as it's the cup cupboard. Today we found a cup with some liquid in, what the liquid was I didn't wish to investigate, but I knew in an instant that that was the problem, and so that's been placed in the dishwasher to be cleaned, and will be kept in there once it's been cleaned to go through another wash to make sure any smells and any reminents of what ever it was are gone.

Apart from that nothing, I've done very little else. Saying that, this is the second post in a couple of days which is something considering the lack of posts in here of late. No, I'm not starting to feel depressed again, but I just felt that I wanted to force myself into writing something to see if the creative juices are flowing and also to try and encourage me to post more often again. The more I post the more chances of more people coming back to read, or that is the general idea of things I think? If anyone else has any other idea's about that, then feel free to make a comment.

For the final part of my post, I should point out to the world, that whilst I'm missing going to Old Trafford to watch United, it isn't as much as I thought it would be. The one thing that I'm eager to do however is go watch a game of ice hockey very soon. Why I said ice hockey I don't know it's just plain hockey, but for most of the UK it's ice hockey. Manchester's team is up and running again and is 1-1 so far in the league. That's not bad considering, but of course the big league is just starting it's engines up with rookie camps and training camps starting up over the weekend. My Oilers have a lot to live up too after last years show, but I'm sure we can do it, and even go one better than last year. Saying that the biggest thing is to qualify for the play-off's first, once that's done then it's a matter of how high we can finish and how to win the Stanley.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Slower than planned

I guess that the pace of my entries have slowed down a lot recently, perhaps that is a reflection of my mood right now. I'm probably as calm as I have been since early May. If not even earlier!!! Whilst far from perfect, things are plodding along at a reasonably happy pace for me of late. I've got no problems stemming from work or others and right now the only problem is myself, and even that isn't as bad as it can be.

With the upturn in my mood, the less need for me to write down my thoughts I guess, but that isn't always a good thing is it? I mean if I don't write it means that any little problems that I'm going through don't get examined in the same way as they would do if I were down and feeling bad. So in a way that then isn't good as those little things tend to get put down as a stone in a wall that at some point will either fall or become too big to climb to carry on building and I want to knock it down. So I should be posting more, it's a funny situation I guess.

So the last week has been spent doing little jobs around work, as we've not been involved with the children since playscheme's ended. It's normal for us to be in this sort of situation, as it's the time of year when most of my colleagues take a holiday. I myself am off work from Wednesday through till the end of the month taking all my over time that I've built up. I'm not going away like I did earlier this year, it not that I wouldn't mind, but Lisa is oout of the country and if I went to stop with either Lauren or anyone else I'd probably end up staying in there places most of the time. Plus having spent significant time with them before, the surrounding area's isn't so much of a mystery too me.

Today however I'll be heading up to Lancaster to stop with my friends up there, mainly as I'm going to see a concert tonight. I'm off to see the Ozric Tentacles in Kendall. I've not listened to them for ages, and used to enjoy them many moons ago, but this is the first time I'll have seen them live. I know there music goes against most of my other musical tastes, but I've said it many a time, my musical tastes are wide and varied. The above band are probably way out Left Bottom field in that respect. Still I'm looking forward to a new experience and an enjoyable night out. I can't recall ever going to Kendall before, but of course it's the home of the Mint Cake, for those of you who are aware of the stuff. So I'll be enjoying a new area to explore whilst driving and also be enjoying the stop over with my friends.

Friday, September 01, 2006

It's coming Back

Slowly but surely the return of a regular blog entry in here is starting to happen. It's just going to get time to return to the point of daily or every other day something is written. Apart from me being busy of late, I've not been too down, and thus I've not been as creative as I can be when I'm down.

Going back in time to last weekend!!! Manchester Pride 2006. It was always going to prove to be a long weekend, working on a stall straight after working on playscheme's. Still I volunteered and I'm glad I did to be honest. Though it wasn't the hustling and bustling Pride that I've known before, this one as always had a unique atmosphere. It was much more reserved than previous years and with that brought a certain sense of calmness. People have suggested that the more lively crowd didn't want to entertain the £16.50 weekend passes that you needed to enter the Village for the duration of Pride, some said it was being charged double for drinks or/and being charged to enter bars/clubs when they wouldn't normally. Something needs to be addressed some where. I know most of the extra monies charged went to charity, but some barrier needs to be created to make it affordable.

So Saturday arrived and I had to set the stall up, which proved to be quite difficult on my own. It wasn't just the design aspect of it, it was trying to put the banner up in the stall, when there was only one person available. I'm thankful of the girl from the stall next door, Bi Phoria who helped me out with that. With the stall all but ready, I sat and waited for not only the public to arrive, but also my fellow volunteers. They were asked to be there before 12 noon, to help me with the stall and also as that's when the majority of the people would start to come in. Well guess what? It was more like 12.30 when to first of them came along, and that's how the rest of the day went. People arriving late or not arriving for what ever reason.

It left me with little time to go and explore the goings on in the village to mark the Pride weekend. I could hear the music from the main stage, but didn't get chance to see any of the acts. I didn't get to see the Parade either through the streets of Manchester, but I'm sure to see some pictures soon. What was most satisifying for myself was the response from Bi Phoria to my presense next door. I've for a long time envisioned a problematic feeling towards myself, but that wasn't to be and no one really harboured any bad feelings towards me.

Once the mad rush around the "Expo" had died down we closed the stall down and went for a drink or two. I was driving so I couldn't really drink too much or anything, but hey that's not a problem. I was shattered, I'd been on my feet since before 9am, and it was around 7pm now. So after a nice cool drink, I went home or rather to my mum's. She'd asked me to pick up some pens for her whilst on the stalls, so I took back what pens I'd gathered, and then went and used her bath. Whilst in the bath I heard the sound of something shorting out downstairs. I fairly quickly got out of the bath and once ready explored the situation, to find that mum's tv had blown up!! Add to that the digital box was arcing in the back of box thus creating problems full stop for mum in terms of watching her favourite channels and programme's.

Sunday was upon us and a visit to Ashton's Farmer's Market. This was a bit quieter than the last one we attened, but all the same it provided both mum and I, not only with something different, but with a variety of products to try and to enjoy. Once we'd had some lunch at home I took mum to Bingo and I went to Pride. I went straight to the stall to see what was going on, to find that those there had rearranged the stall, and if I'm honest had done a better job of it. So I helped out on the stall for a couple of more hours, whilst having a good look around the "Expo" collecting more pens, and also collecting more information on a variety of subjects. Then I had to get home, as mum had declared she was going to cook some of the produce purchased earlier in the day for tea. I wasn't going to turn down a meal was I?

Monday was rather mundane in terms of me just doing as little as I could for as long as I could. I had no intentions of helping out on the stall, as they had up to five people on if everyone turned up. I was however going to go to the Candle light Vigil to mark the end of the Pride weekend and to have a drink or two after that. I didn't drive in on Monday and would have really enjoyed myself had I been able to get into the club I wanted to meet up with a friend of mine. Still I'd had half a bottle of wine prior to going out, which meant I couldn't be bothered that it was raining all night. I did meet someone I'd not met for ages and was rather shocked to see how good looking he was. It's a shame that I can't touch him with a barge pole.

On the whole Pride was quieter than usual for myself, but one hell of a good time was had. I think the stall was a success and on a personal score apart from not getting out too much afterwards, everything was great. As soon as I find some pictures of the weekend I'll post them in the other blog.

Monday, August 28, 2006

We're Back

Having found it difficult to get into my blog over the past week or so I've finally got into here to find the ability to post again. I'm sorry for the delay and more so in a week, when things have been busy and interesting. I'll find it hard to write everything up, but I'll try my best over the next few days or so.

I've got a bit more time now that playscheme's have finished for the year, and that all the stress of them are over. I'm however still rushed off my feet helping out on the Barnardo's stall at Manchester Pride 2006. The "Big Weekend" finishes this weekend and so tomorrow I'm seriously thinking of just staying in bed to relax, but we'll wait and see how I feel. I should go into work at some point and sort out my time sheets and also my mileage sheets as I've got some expenses to put on.

For now though, I've got to help find my mum a new television as her's blew up on Saturday night, which was the worse time possible as of course Sunday isn't a day a lot of places open still and today is a Bank Holiday in the UK. So no one, but the same few as yesterday are working today. At the same time the tv blew up, something started to go wrong with the digital set top box, so that's gone down as well. So from a reasonable size tv, with 200+ channels she's down to a 14" portable with only 5 channels!!!!