Evaluation

It's been nearly a week since I last posted in here, or should I say a working week since I posted. As I've been away for a couple of those days it's been difficult to maintain any sort of continuity over the past few days. Still I could have posted on Wednesday night or yesterday? I thought I had to be honest, but the site doesn't lie unless I had a post deleted by big brother and if so I don't know why?

So how's things with the world of ME? Fine to be honest, I'm plodding along in a happy daze, working, living and enjoying the lot. Things balance out over time I think, as many a morning I've added a entry into this blog and complained that things are bad, that work is OK, but and that life sucks, and I'm unhappy. This period of sustained pleasure is the equaliser, so far 2007 has been a good year for me, as years go. I'm more than impressed with it and that's a positive as I can't recall many good years in my life. It's been one of those lives I guess!!!!

Getting involved in union work has been a good thing for me, and I don't know why? I didn't think I'd be able to live with everyone on that level, and yet slowly and surely I'm pulling myself up through the ranks at my project and the next step is out into the locality. I'm not rushing into this yet, but I will at some point be happy to go out and help the region and nationally I hope. This has been and is the start of a something in terms of my own working development, and one which I would be glad to further. It's something new and different and a challenge to my norms. Instead of sitting back and holding my opinions I'm fostering a belief within myself that I should be more vocal and challenging to what I see. This may be something that has provoked the prolonged period of happiness, I don't know. It's something I guess that I would do in the past? I can't back that up, as some of the stuff like that are a blur, but I would challenge all be it in a much lighter fashion and not in the terms I'm doing so right now. So yes, whilst it's something from the past, that has been re-ignited , it's also something new. It is also if I'm honest, another facet of my personal life. I'm helping others, by being active in the union, which is something integeral to my deep core well being.

A Comment

I simply couldn't believe my eyes the other day when viewing the stats for this place. As I scrolled down the page to see what the score was I noticed a comment on my last post. WOW, it's been ages since I had something like that, and my excitement was very high when I clicked on the comments link. That soon turned to confusion as it wasn't English. Further investigation seems to find that it's nothing more than an advertisement for there own blog spot. Well I think it is, but who if anyone knows exactly what is being said I'd be grateful for the information.

Well it's the start of a new week, and it's one I'm looking forward too. With my trip to Birmingham for tomorrow sorted out, I can look forward to a busy week, but one which is suprisingly light in terms of work at my own place of work. That's not really a good attitude to take, but it's something that I can say with happily knowing that it's helping me in the long term. I don't give a flying monkey about what work say with regards my meetings, but hey it's the way it's going to be. These are the only meetings that effect my case load specifically, so it's got nothing to do with my LBGT role for the forum.

I've had a really nice weekend, where I've done this and that and the other, which though nothing mind blowing or really effective in terms of actual benefit to myself or anyone else, it's been enjoyable. Life is such right now that I can have these weekends of wanting to do things but not doing so and not being bothered. By that I mean that at times I get wound up by not doing things I wanted to do, or would have liked to do. Right now, however that's not the case, yesterday can be seen as an example. I went to the Farmer's Market without mum, who normally comes with me. I had decided to go late on, and didn't mention anything to mum, as it was me that wanted to go, and I didn't want my mum to say no and me regret not going. This is the type of things that has taken place in the past, which has led to me being moody and upset that I didn't follow my convictions. It may only be a temporary change in my thinking, but hey it's still good that it happened, and it's something to prove to my councilor tomorrow that I'm making huge steps right now in the right direction.

Was that it??

It wasn't without a bit of pain, but the visit to the dentist was OK, my tooth is still in, but not in pain at the moment. My only wish is that it's pain free for the next week or two, till I get to see the dentist that I've found willing to take me on as such. So it's a case of taking up to 6 tablets a day to keep the infection and pain away. Once it's all done then I can hope to sort out the problem of the acidic taste at the back of my throat. Till the tooth problem is sorted my GP won't be able to make any sort of conclusion on it, mind you once that's done, I'm going to have to get my bloods and liver checked out again, and we all know that that's likely to cause concern.

The tooth ache has in a way helped me calm down a bit this week. It wasn't that I was way over the top or anything, but I was flying along in the excellent frame of mind, and almost oblivious to what others were thinking and doing. I however have been able to detach myself from myself and view what's going on. I'm still no clearer as to why I've been so happy of late. It's really a good mood, and that's it. I'm slightly perplexed by it all, as I'm normally so good at pinpointing things that have an effect like this on me. Maybe it's the James concerts and that weekend, I really don't know, but I can pinpoint the upturn in my mood to that weekend. What it was about it, I don't really know, but it's something I want to package and keep in storage for future use. No matter what, I'm not going to knock the mood I'm in. I knock myself enough when the mood is the other way, but right now it's just so crystal, and everyone at work is noticing how much easier it is to work with me.

I've got my weekend to look forward to now, the day is young and though an hour in work to catch up with things is in order, I've then got nothing planned, and of course if it's planned it's boring. Well that's something someone once said, I'm not saying whom, but I've got it on cd and on my pc. FM, you are still loved and always will be.

Who's Scared???

For some the trip to the dentist is a journey of hell, I for one am not part of that "some", I'm fine about the dentist. I can never understand why people get so worked up about it, is it the mask? is it someone with there hands in your mouth? I really don't know what it could be. However today I'm booked in to see an emergency dentist as I do need to see one and get my tooth ache sorted out.

I've lived with this for 2 weeks now, but the past day or so have been intolerable, which if it wasn't for the forthcoming appointment this morning, I'd be looking for a brick or baseball bat to smash against my jaw to get it sorted that way. The pain that would cause is inconsequential compared to what I've gone through these past day or so. After this is done, I'll go and find a dentist and register. I don't want to go through this again, it's been a nightmare. I had to walk out of work yesterday due to the pain.

In other news, the thing that I feared the most has happened, mum has received an offer for her house, which matches the valuation and she's accepted it. The sold sign hasn't gone up yet, as it was all done last night as such, but "OUR" house isn't going to be our's for much longer.... The house that was HOME for my living memory will soon not be mine. It hurts, I've got an attachment to that place. We've still got to find mum a new place, though she has seen somewhere, she's going to bid on. Once that's done it's a matter of getting the formalities done. This is really strange for me, for although I don't live at my mum's anymore, it's still classed as home, and I've never known my mum to live anywhere else. That place will always deep inside be seen as "home" and should I ever be in a position I'd take it back no problem.

You know I'm trying to think how work has been this week, and to be honest, with all the pain killers I've taken I can't really think about it. I don't think it's been that bad, but it hasn't been brilliant either. At least I've not been through a meeting like last week. I walked out of a training session yesterday due to my tooth ache. Could it be that they are the reason (the meetings) that it's so painful right now??????

Time for reflection?

Having reached a plateau or at least I think I have in my recent upswing in mood, where do I go from here? Down you say or is that rest and then climb higher? Either way by reaching a constant I can sit back and enjoy what has transpired and also reflect on the positives.

The question needs to be asked though, have I reached such a stage? I can't tell, I don't want to think myself into a state of depression and yet I'm not in the mood to take myself that bit higher than of late, so does that constitute the reference to plateau's? Maybe it does, but why?

OK, let's look at the facts, these past 3 days haven't seen any significant changes in how I feel, perhaps the state of my health isn't helping, toothache, ulcer and head cold all at once isn't a good thing. So that's possibly putting a dampener on things and so I should wait till I get rid of 2 or if not all of the conditions before I put a marker down.

On the outside of my closed shop that is my world and my life, I've got nothing to report. My mum has turned down an offer on the house, which fell £15,000 below the valuation. Mum and Hayley treated the offer with the contempt it deserved thankfully. With due respects to the people who offered, that house is in no need of re-wiring. It was done less than 10 years ago and everything works perfectly. We know that something needs work, that's why the price is lower than I had anticipated, but to offer below that by so much was a joke.

Meeting you, Meeting me, Meetings over!!!

The week is over, I can sit down and relax a bit. It's not been a tough week, but it's been a really hard week in terms of the meetings that I've attended. I also realise that over the couple of weeks or so that I've got a lot of work to do in terms of trying to find speakers for the conference that I'm helping to put together in October.

Whilst that isn't my "normal" job, I'm very aware of how much work is needed and that it needs to be done very quickly to get things sorted out. I'm glad that I'm involved in the planning for the conference, as it's an eye opener to the bigger plan of things. I've planned things before, but this is something different, and it's really nice to do something new.

Anyway, apart from that, I've got to accept that I need to find a dentist, for the past couple of nights it's been really hard to get to sleep, in part due to tooth ache. Both nights it's been around 2am before I'm getting off to sleep, which isn't good. However, I'm sure that once I get the tooth sorted out that I'll be back into a nice routine in terms of falling to sleep quite quickly. It was pleasant last night as I was able to listen to the radio, which was coming live from a night club, which was playing the sort of music that I grew up listening too. It was almost enough to get me to get up and dance. However, I'd done that before going to bed and with the tooth ache all I wanted to do was go to sleep.

Oh no another bloody meeting!!

Laugh, I almost cried.... The meeting yesterday was as bad as the previous days and one I am willing to forget. I'm hoping that the third meeting of the week, the one tomorrow goes far better than the previous two. How does that saying go? 1 out of 3? Well it's going to have to be one of the three to keep me cheerful this weekend.

Seriously though, the past couple of days have been hard going at work, made all the harder by the crap that has been spouted out, but now it's over with I can relax a bit and get on with the day to day business of the place rather than the politics.

The weather has turned back to it's finest rain. The past week and half had been exceptional in terms of the heat and such. From yesterday onwards it's been nothing other than rain. It's needed to rain, if anything it's needed to thunder and lighten, to clear the air as such as it's terribly muggy, but to date it hasn't happened. This sudden change has altered my plans for the weekend, but I'm sure that with time I can alter them quite sufficiently to make it a good time.

As for me, I had to do something I'd not done for years yesterday..... I had to reel myself in, in terms of my behaviour as such. I got into work and those who were there will tell you that I was in a world of my own, and what made it worse was that people were pandering to me and thus I went deeper and deeper into this world and found madness. That's all I can describe it as, when you are talking of going into a meeting with an assistant director of your company, and a senior manager from the local social services and talking of being a tree. Yes, I was going to stand and declare I am a tree. I promise you all that I hadn't taken any medication!!!! I had to calm myself down and then hold my tongue as the meeting went on, which is something I'm learning to do.

Bloody Meetings

Not a lot has taken place over the previous couple of days since my last post, though yesterday we did have a team meeting where I felt a lot of my ideas/suggestions which I threw into the mixer were shot down, at least we got the idea of mobile phones to go, in the thinking stage anyway.

To be honest, the meeting was far too long and didn't move things along at the pace they should have. I don't think we are anywhere near where we should be for the summer scheme's as they were being called. It's going to be a rush to get them organised, but we'll do our best.

The good thing though about taking my time up with the meeting is that, it meant that I had to concentrate on that and not bother myself with anything else. I'm still good, and though I've stared at bad in the face, it's not bit me yet. I'll post more soon, possibly tomorrow when I've got a bit longer off work, but today I've another meeting to get through.

The fight for sanity

I start today in a curious mood to be honest, whilst still very much on the up, I'm feeling a bit down to be honest. As regular readers will be aware June is the month that my dad died, and whilst with each passing year the pain is less, it's still burning in me. Yesterday I mentioned in my other blog the pain that it brings and so with that in mind I went and re-read my diaries from that period and I broke down doing so.

Not the wisest move to be honest, and it's left me feeling a bit down today. However, this is in an odd way a good move by myself. I've been high for so long that by trying to bring myself back down in this way might help me. If I do succeed in taking myself down to a depression then it will be very interesting to see how I respond to that. I don't want to be down, I've enjoyed being in a good mood, and as yesterday's post here states I am in sight of being happy. Still going down to go up might be an advantage. Getting depressed now, might just help me beat the demons that have been stalking me for a good few years now. It could be the greatest move I make, and yet it could the be the opposite and the craziest thing I've done.

Who's to say that I'm right or wrong in the above statement? It's me of course and when will I know? After the end of this month or tomorrow? You see, this is such an odd thing that I don't know what to make of my own personal feelings in this. It's typical me, to find something which will make me down, rather than maintaining my good mood. It's the second time in a week that I've tried to do this to myself, without really noticing till a day or so later. It's a self destruct button within me that I want to press, and yet why should I? Am I trying to punish myself for something? I don't think so, and so why should I want myself to be unhappy? I mean for those of you who have been long time readers will probably say that the past few weeks have been as creative and easy to read as any of the posts that I've posted whilst I've been depressed, so why should I want to send myself back to the dark recesses of my sanity?

It's a strange life I guess, but hey right now I'm fighting for my life, and it's making me feel good to do so.

I can see it.

So here I am again, on another fine morning, trying to put the past couple of days down into words. At times I find it incredibly easy to tell, and on others quite the opposite. On good days when not a lot happens, the next time I sit to write is always difficult. I'll take yesterday as an example.

I was working yesterday, and though I've not been enjoying the weekends as much as I used too, it was nice to have a problem free day, the clients behave and also a chance to see a colleague whom I've not seen due to sickness for a while. Not a lot of interesting details came from that, I could pad out this entry with the fine details, but it wouldn't be a great read, but it would fill the space.

Should I there fore go and explore my mindset right now or ignore that and go at random angles to writing the complete unknown story that's in my head?

If I didn't want to put something down, I wouldn't have started this entry would I? Life's a strange thing you know, with the complex moods it throws at you and also the interaction of others upon those moods. However, at the extreme end of it all, it's our life's experiences that dictate how we respond to everything. I mention this as after a long spell of a good mood, I'm regaining some of myself back. It's something that I want to reclaim. I'm not sure why, or when it left me, but the ability to be crazy, the ability to be crazy/stupid and funny at the same time is back and I'm loving it. Yesterday could provide an example, with me not giving a flying monkey's what others felt in the cinema, but dancing in the isle to the Pearl and Dean theme tune wasn't what most would say is sane behaviour, but the clients enjoyed the spectacle, and that's the only thing I care about. I couldn't care less what the other patrons thought, and that's been missing over the past year or so.

That indicates I'm at a good place with me, though I know that I'm not there yet. I've work to do on me, and that would put me in a place which I don't think I've ever been in. That position is obtainable, I can see it now. For too long it's been clouded away, around the corner or the other end of the tunnel, but for once in my life I can see that I can be happy. Wow, it's freakish to think of things like that, but let the world know that should I get to this position, you'll all know about it. I wouldn't care less what the world felt of me, and I'd float around in a positive mind set for ever and a day. Well OK, perhaps not forever, but for a day or two at least.

I'm fine

Sorry that I've failed to post in the past couple of days. Those of you, who may have taken a look at my myspace blog will have noticed that I've not posted in there for a few days till a quick entry yesterday morning. It's mainly been down to starting work early and then being too tired when I get in to make any sort of entries that are anyway near readable.

So this morning as it's my normal Friday off work, I'm making sure that I redress the balance of the force and post something in here. It's not been a bad week, but it's just with all the work that's been done during the day instead of the evening, it's thrown my body clock around, further messed up, by going out to lunch the past couple of days and not having had a proper evening meal for a couple of days. Strange I know, but I don't know how I'm going to cope today. I think it's a delicate one, as once I got to my mum's last night, my niece came around, and for her amusement last night she felt it would be fun to kick my head. I could have moved, but it was only tapping as such, though some were more forceful than that!! Once I got in, I opened a bottle of wine and after a glass and a half felt very tired, so finished the glass and went to bed. This morning I've a thumping headache, in part to both the drink and head kicking.....

Enough moaning, when I'm in this state I tend to do very little and that will suit me down to the tee this morning. I'm looking around the web this morning, not sure what for... I've been looking at some hockey shops in Canada, too see if I can find one or two cheap Oiler items, but then when I do, I'm stopping myself on the basis that they will be launching new shirts and new merchandise in a month or two, and that's going to mean that the prices will come down further or I'll not want the old stuff as it's out of date.... I may have a sore head, but it does work still. Maybe it's as the title of this blog is being played right now, Queen's Pain is close to Pleasure, it's true, it's really true. So I'm bob bob bobbing along to it.

Oh one of my long time volunteers, whom I admire for so many reasons got a job as a sessional member of staff. I'm so pleased as she's probably one of the last that volunteers that, whilst I was still a volunteer took her under my wing as such. If I include play leaders from play schemes and staff that's about 10 people that I've helped through and that's something I'm proud of, I don't want recognition (perhaps I do?), but it's always nice to see someone you've helped guide succeed.

Salford Dreaming..

So here we are again, at the start of a new day, and I've got a smug looking smile across my face. OK, I may not be smug and the smile is because in general I'm pleased with things. The reason I've got a smug smile on my face is because that's how it looks.

Things have been fine of late and this weekends slow progress has given me a refreshing outlook on things. I know I missed a hen night which I could have gone too, and by the sounds of it, should have, but hey that's the way life is. I'm not going to look back and regret things (well not at the moment!!), so hey I had a good weekend, without drink and without the need of others. No I didn't do that either, it was a nice peaceful and restful weekend.

That smile has grown, not at the last comment, but one of my favourite songs has just started playing. It's California Dreaming, this is the Beach Boys version. I like the Beach Boys and I like this song, so it's always going to be a good choice. It's been ages since I heard this version and this song for that matter and you know how every now and again I go on about songs just hitting the mark this is it.... It's going to set the day in a great direction and it's also going to be in my head all day now!!! As far as music goes as well, over the weekend I found a band called Pink Martini, they may not be the band of choice of many of you, but go check them out please, even if I can find one other person who enjoys the different style of music good then I've done my job.

What else? Well not a lot really, I've nothing to report, so it's all coming from the odd looking head, well I say odd, more like freakish if you want the opinion of my niece. She's dead for that comment, but I'll use it here.

Wasted

Rest is good, I'm finding that out right now, and I'm also finding a bit of self control. Yesterday's post is really interesting to say the least. For me not to be self critical is an achievement, but then half way through the day I became critical of myself for no reason what so ever. Am I just not happy with me?

The answer to that one would be the killer question in my life. I've never been 100% happy with myself, I think that much is obvious. My moods depends on how much I do like myself, and yet recently it hasn't been the case. I've just not given the issue much thought and that's helped me. However when self doubt appears the more I find myself wanting to sit and cry in the corner. I'm not perfect, far from it. In fact I'd quite happily tell you how ugly and how thick I am, and how much as a person I'm not. I'm a joke and I'm almost proud to say that.

However for a space of time of late I've not felt that way. I feel that I've moved on, I may not be happy with me, but I'm OK with me. Is this the start? I guess it could be. You know I may end up saying I love myself one day. That will probably be around the day I die, but hey it's something to look forward too. Still whilst I can focus on other people rather than myself then I am much more at ease with myself. Do I make sense? I thought not, still it's easier to understand the nutter when the nutter doesn't understand there own work.

So my post today isn't so comprehenable, but that's good isn't it? I mean every now and again I do show complete freedom of mind and constraints and it's always good to lose them. I have no fear, no problems and no concerns with this entry. If anything this is a waste of an entry, but that is OK on a day like today.

I'm not a Failure.

It's looking like a real fine day outside today, one which I don't want to waste, but one I'll probably will waste. It's not that I couldn't do anything, it's more I don't know what I want to do with it. I've got nothing to do at my mum's that can't wait, so it's just a case of doing what ever I want. The only thing I'll have to do, is go and buy something to get some coins for the meter.

So where am I in terms of moods today? Well I'm quited chilled to be honest, nothing is phasing me at the moment, and that's good. I seem to be repeating that on a daily basis of late. Is that because I'm scared of it leaving me? Am I too scared of losing how good I feel? Is that bad to feel scared of that right now? I don't really know.

In the past as can be evidenced here, I can be high as a kite in the morning and by night fall in the depths of despair. We are all like that, but to the extremes that I can take it very few are. I know what depression can do to me, where it takes me and it isn't nice. However for every depression I suffer, I evaluate my life to that point and often I come out much stronger for it. I don't know what I do right or if I do things strong. I guess that the reason for me for having some counseling over the past 6 months or so has been to try and give me some support and advice on how to bounce back from depressions quicker than I do. I know that I have the techniques to do so, it's just that after a while the ones I've tried don't work, much like with medicines, my body gets used to techniques to pull me out of depressions and I sink to new depths of despair at those times. Those are the times I go a walking to the motorway and sit on the edge thinking about the jump forward, and if it's all worth it.

That position is so far away from where I am right now that to get there again at any point in the next 3 to 6 months would be a failure on my part. I'm not going to fail this time, I'm not a failure, as much as I like to challenge myself on that one, I'm not. I'm not a success though, but I get on with things and that's positive. I guess my failings to prevent depression is equaled by my success to see the symptoms very early and recognise when I have failed to prevent a fall from grace. So I'm not a failure, I'm just plain old me, plain very old me, like me, hate me, but most of all accept me for being me.

Bloody Fly

I guess that I should show some positives here, after all I've been quite negative in other area's of late. I am contented, though a week or two ago I'd have used the term happy, but that's no longer the case. It takes some doing for me to be happy, and I was for some time.

Contentment doesn't include having a fly buzzing around you whilst typing, which is the case right now. If that thing don't leave my room in the next few minutes, it's life span shall become considerably shorter than it expected. I can't stand things buzzing around me like that. I can just about accept bee's, not wasps however. So as it has not left, it has a death penalty on it's head to which at the end of this entry will be carried out if it is still here.

Contentment is being OK with everything going on. I know that some things aren't not happy and others are very happy, but they are equaling each other out and that means I'm fine with things. I have a smile on my face for the majority of the time and it's a smile that's not being forced, it's a smile out of genuine pleasure. For the regular readers this may be something of a shock, but yes, I am smiling about life.

I'm at peace with myself for the time being and it's sitting well with me. I've no regrets, no concerns and any concerns that I do have or others try imposing upon me I don't give a brass monkey's about. I've got no reason to allow anyone to dictate to me anymore, I'm a human after all and I'm my own boss. I may get paranoid if I'm depressed, but that's something I guess that I've just got to accept and that others have to accept as being a part of me. It's something that people who know me, should accept and try and figure the best way to bring me back to where I am today. Well that would be easy really it's a matter of bringing me back to my flat and I'd be back. I meant more to a mental state as to where I am. Oh the joys of my thinking.

Sometimes a good friend is better than a lover!