Saturday, June 02, 2007

I'm not a Failure.

It's looking like a real fine day outside today, one which I don't want to waste, but one I'll probably will waste. It's not that I couldn't do anything, it's more I don't know what I want to do with it. I've got nothing to do at my mum's that can't wait, so it's just a case of doing what ever I want. The only thing I'll have to do, is go and buy something to get some coins for the meter.

So where am I in terms of moods today? Well I'm quited chilled to be honest, nothing is phasing me at the moment, and that's good. I seem to be repeating that on a daily basis of late. Is that because I'm scared of it leaving me? Am I too scared of losing how good I feel? Is that bad to feel scared of that right now? I don't really know.

In the past as can be evidenced here, I can be high as a kite in the morning and by night fall in the depths of despair. We are all like that, but to the extremes that I can take it very few are. I know what depression can do to me, where it takes me and it isn't nice. However for every depression I suffer, I evaluate my life to that point and often I come out much stronger for it. I don't know what I do right or if I do things strong. I guess that the reason for me for having some counseling over the past 6 months or so has been to try and give me some support and advice on how to bounce back from depressions quicker than I do. I know that I have the techniques to do so, it's just that after a while the ones I've tried don't work, much like with medicines, my body gets used to techniques to pull me out of depressions and I sink to new depths of despair at those times. Those are the times I go a walking to the motorway and sit on the edge thinking about the jump forward, and if it's all worth it.

That position is so far away from where I am right now that to get there again at any point in the next 3 to 6 months would be a failure on my part. I'm not going to fail this time, I'm not a failure, as much as I like to challenge myself on that one, I'm not. I'm not a success though, but I get on with things and that's positive. I guess my failings to prevent depression is equaled by my success to see the symptoms very early and recognise when I have failed to prevent a fall from grace. So I'm not a failure, I'm just plain old me, plain very old me, like me, hate me, but most of all accept me for being me.

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