Friday, May 22, 2009

Lies and Shit

If you've been reading this blog over the past few days it is obvious that this hasn't been the best of weeks for myself, and today has been no different, I've tried to be positive but hell it's incredibly difficult when people who you trust lie to you, people who you know acknowledged things and then reject them.

This not only hurts me, it angers me and it quite frankly frustrates me to death, I have some principals and for others not to at least honour the basics is incredible. I quite frankly feel like shit, I feel like I've been tossed out and left to dry and for what? I don't know what the hell I did to deserve the treatment that I've had. What right have people got of treating others like I have been treated.

I feel cheated, and quite frankly horrified that some people feel that they can get away with this in this day and age. I just wish that others could see what they have done and deal with them accordingly. I'm possibly going through one of the most arduous weeks of my life and all I get is crap still, even when it's all over. Well those responsible can take a running jump if they feel I'm going to co-operate with them from here on in. I don't give a shit, it's not like I've any sort of future any sort. I've had enough of it all, let them attempt anything and it will be pushed to the final limit, I don't care anymore.

Thursday, May 21, 2009


I start this entry, staring out of my window, the curtains partially opened as I've yet to have a wash or get dressed. I have enough light streaming through to provide the room with light to work in, whilst maintaining my privacy. The rain is visible, and the sky is granite grey. I've got Alanis Morissette playing on the pc (random play), and I'm contemplating what's next.

I'm desperate to be positive, I'm willing it upon me, but as much as I try it's not happening. I said yesterday that the fire was under control and it very much is, but as I explore what began that fire, and how I need to control it, I'm at a loss. I can live with the fire under control, whilst not being happy, I can't say that I'm depressed but for how long I can say that I don't know.

At the start of this entry I set the scene as to what I was doing and what I could see, and I guess it says slightly more than I actually realised. The skies are grey, and what is grey? A mix of black and white, and to bring that analogy to life, black could be the fire/the bad/the depression that I've spoke about in recent days, whilst white would of course be the water/the good/happy times. Mix good with bad, fire and water, depression and happy and the hybrid form is strange. I feel like that, a strange mix of being happy, whilst sad at the same time. I said either here or else where that I feel like a shell of a person, and that's probably what I'm trying to describe with this article.

Looking back at similar times for me, doesn't always help, I try to replicate how something cheered me up, and to be honest whilst trying to find that I end up perpetuating the situation. Replication isn't really the answer, something has to spring up and much as others might suggest other wise, but spontaneity is something I thrive on at times like this. Recently others have pointed out that this may not be the case and of course it's something for me to look at, as it may be true, but I do enjoy the freedom of reactionary situations rather than planning to the last detail.

Oh my, I guess I should stop here as I can sense this short period of self exploration is going to send me down an avenue that I don't wish to go down today. One that I've done many times before. I leave, with Ajani Thomas singing sweetly in the background, soothing the mood. I'll leave with that and come back again later or tomorrow to muse over the latest situation and thoughts.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


It's Wednesday morning and I'm feeling a bit, "well what's next?" I'm feeling slightly better today, having spoken to a couple of people yesterday I felt like I was connected with the world again, it wasn't exactly enough, but it does make me realise that I am still alive and of course that makes me feel a fraction more positive about myself.

This morning has seen something good anyway, in that I've ordered a ticket to go and see Skunk Anansie in November of this year. Add to that the Eddie Izzard tickets for November, I'm looking forward to what is normally a dull and at times arduous month for me. I have seen Skunk before way back in the mid 90's over in Sheffield and I loved them, they disbanded a good few years back and now back together, it's going to be great to see them again. The concert in Sheffield is one of my favourite non James/Queen concerts that I have ever been too. The fact that I only realised they were back together yesterday has been the beacon of light to which I'm looking to for this week.

Of course now this is sorted, I can now look towards the weekend and getting my mobility back, before this time next week, when all eyes turn to Rome. Whilst United equalling the record of 18 league titles is special, it was the lead up and day of victory which was special, since Sunday it's been well let's look forward and not backwards. So I've not allowed myself to enjoy that that much and been muted by my own standards in terms of celebration, next week I may not be able to contain my joy if United win in Rome. My love for United is one of the constants in my life, one that has never altered and quite possibly grown stronger over the past year or two.

This is a very timid post in comparrison to the previous entries in here, maybe because I'm a bit calmer, maybe I have blown myself out with the anger and frustration, but the rancor still burns inside of me, it's more like the past couple or days have been an explosion and now the fire burns inside, whilst on the outside the fire brigade are starting to dampen the building. However much that is dampened it doesn't mean that I'm over the worse of things, far from it. Now is when the building I live in starts to crumble under the heat of the fire and whilst I'm fighting the battle to not to collapse unless the fire is exstinguished soon, the building will fall.

What can I do to prevent the building falling, well to have started to put the fire out so quickly is a help, I can now start to examine where to put the water to stabalise the building quickly and stop the fire. That's never been easy, but it has become easier with more and more fires that I've had to deal with. So with a little patience I should be and could be ok sooner rather than later.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Don't Forget

I should point out that my MYSPACE blog is still around, and I will be making an entry into there shortly. It is often quite different to this blog, so I'm going to leave here now and go and record an entry there.....

Find the link on the right hand side of this page.

Horribe, it's horrible.

It's the morning after yesterday's rant, and how am I? I'm a bit less frantic, but none the less I'm still feeling low, the damage that yesterday did has obviously had a huge effect on me. I'm no longer calm, no longer glad that things are over with, I'm in such a quandary that it's going to take something big to help me.

I've got an application form for a job in front of me, that I asked for towards the end of last week. I felt that I could do this job, I felt that whilst not having some of the experience that was required, I had other experience that was asked for, but I'm now questioning if I should fill in the form. I'm suffering self doubt, I don't know if I should endure the building of ones hopes up, only to find that they are dashed. I don't know if right now that is the sane thing to do! My confidence has been shattered, if I ever had any confidence. I'm just a useless lump of bones and flesh. I'm worth nothing and can do nothing, I really am trying to be positive about myself, but to no avail.

Of course this is a familiar tale for me, but this time it's different, it's something that I've never experienced, a total lack of self belief, self worth and for that matter self being. I really don't know if I can sort this out on my own, I know that it's going to take a huge boost for me to even contemplate moving forward. I know what I should do, but I'm sceptical as to what anyone can do for me. My case is so bad, that I'm close to being beyond help. Anyone who knows me, and who is reading this may think that I'm exaggerating, but I do feel this is possibly the start of the worse situation of my life to date. I've got nothing to stop me here, nothing to prevent me falling further and deeper than at any point in my life and I'm scared, no. Not scared, that's too weak of a word, I'm honestly petrified that this could be the start of the end. I really can't see any light out of this right now.

Monday, May 18, 2009


Back again, and the anger is still the same as it was. I don't know if it is anger or frustration, but which ever it is, it's consuming me at a rate that is unimaginable for any "normal" person. The feeling of being completely alone is scary, OK I know I have one person to whom I can talk too, but right now isn't perhaps the best of times to be talking about some of the stuff bothering me right now. So I have to be patient towards them, however there are others, others who I've let pour the heart out to me, with whom I've always made clear that at times I'd like to reciprocate that back.

Time and time again though I find myself alone, in need of communication with people, anyone really, and no one is around to listen to me, chat to me about aimless stuff to distract me from the problems that I have. Like now, yes I want to talk to someone, there are people whom I expected to be talking to me to discuss things with me for various reasons and nothing, absolute nothing and it makes me wonder why I've ever thought they'd be there. What should I expect from them? They have never, and will never understand, because they don't want to, and so in many ways I'm better off without, but yet I still expected more from them.

Others on the other hand, perhaps I should give them some space, cut them some slack, but when one or two things go badly, I allow myself to become paranoid, and looking for excuses to blame others. Yes, I should be interacting with others, but I know that isn't possible for a couple of reasons, but it doesn't stop people from writing simple emails does it? I really don't know why it's this way, why do people ignore me so much? Am I really that bad of a person that people hate me? Am I that blind that I can not see this? In recent times people have told me quite the opposite, and yet here I am a week or so later and feel well like shit, like I'm the worst person in the world and not really wanting to foster myself upon others for fear of damaging them.

This is the crazy world of my mind, it's totally irrational, it really doesn't make sense as in one paragraph I've contradicted myself, and can do the same here, by declaring I understand that other people have other friends whom might be more needy, who they might be closer too, but for once in my life I would like a call, a chat and a good old cry, because that's how I feel, but it just isn't there.

What Can I Put?

As has been the case here I've left it some time between post, no longer am I going to say I intend to get back to regular posts. I know that the days of me doing that seem so long ago. As cathartic as it is to write, I don't seem to have the desire or willingness to do such a thing, like many things in my life, I start off with enthusiasm, and then let it peter out into nothing.

I can't write too much here for the time being, well I can, but I can't put what I want down if you can understand that. I so want to express myself here, but it is too open and too public and could seriously hurt me if I did write what I want. So why bother then?? I don't know? Perhaps it's because for the first time in a while, I've second guessed myself, and am having serious doubts about myself. I've shredded myself over the past 12 months or more, trying to figure out who I am, where I am and most importantly what I am.

Just as I was thinking I'd found one of the answers, just to make my life easier and perhaps clues to answering the other two questions, I find myself destroying the answer, and realising that I'm probably as far away from the answers than I have ever been. What does that do to me? It has serious implications in that I again feel like retreating into the horrible shell that I create myself. One of self hatred, one of self damnation, self abuse and general lack of self promotion.

I see the vibrant colours of the tree's outside my flat, they are beautiful and full of life, and even though the sun is poking through the clouds and illuminating them, they seem some what dull. I guess that's how I'm seeing things today, what hopes I had are vanquished, what belief I had evaporated. I sit here a shell of the person I was, could be and probably should be. I feel trapped, and perhaps isolated in that whilst I know where I am, it doesn't fit into society, and whilst trying to live, society expects so much more from me. I know that's not a good thing to be contemplating, but it is. I was secure, I was certain and happy, but one question, one ill timed question has thrown that into a spin, into decline which has perhaps taken just over a month to stall the engine and take the plane that is my life back into a spin.

So what do I do? I can sit and wallow, will that help? No, it won't help at all. All that will do is speed the spin, and the trajectory of the fall. I can fight this, but by doing that all I'm doing is masking the problems, I think. Should I leave it alone and wait till it crashes? Well I've done that many times and it's not been pretty, and taken an age to get myself back to square one. I mention all this, but no suicide isn't an option right now. I want to find myself again, I want to find a smile on my face, I want to find acceptance, but I don't want to be a square or circle, I am a shape which is indefinable, but will anyone really accept that? I don't think you do, and so I sit here a shell.

If you think that is a strange post, it could be a lot stranger, there is more of where that came from, this is just the taster and to think that this feeling only started at around what 10am this morning. It isn't going to get any prettier for a while, but then why should it be pretty? Is life pretty? No it's full of shit, as everyone knows, so why chase something that can not be achieved? That is total happiness? I've said this many a time, but isn't happiness something we dream of? Isn't something that is truly unobtainable? I don't think anyone is ever happy, if we were, why would one read? Why would one watch television? They are designed for enjoyment, yet if we were happy we wouldn't need them right?