Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Horribe, it's horrible.

It's the morning after yesterday's rant, and how am I? I'm a bit less frantic, but none the less I'm still feeling low, the damage that yesterday did has obviously had a huge effect on me. I'm no longer calm, no longer glad that things are over with, I'm in such a quandary that it's going to take something big to help me.

I've got an application form for a job in front of me, that I asked for towards the end of last week. I felt that I could do this job, I felt that whilst not having some of the experience that was required, I had other experience that was asked for, but I'm now questioning if I should fill in the form. I'm suffering self doubt, I don't know if I should endure the building of ones hopes up, only to find that they are dashed. I don't know if right now that is the sane thing to do! My confidence has been shattered, if I ever had any confidence. I'm just a useless lump of bones and flesh. I'm worth nothing and can do nothing, I really am trying to be positive about myself, but to no avail.

Of course this is a familiar tale for me, but this time it's different, it's something that I've never experienced, a total lack of self belief, self worth and for that matter self being. I really don't know if I can sort this out on my own, I know that it's going to take a huge boost for me to even contemplate moving forward. I know what I should do, but I'm sceptical as to what anyone can do for me. My case is so bad, that I'm close to being beyond help. Anyone who knows me, and who is reading this may think that I'm exaggerating, but I do feel this is possibly the start of the worse situation of my life to date. I've got nothing to stop me here, nothing to prevent me falling further and deeper than at any point in my life and I'm scared, no. Not scared, that's too weak of a word, I'm honestly petrified that this could be the start of the end. I really can't see any light out of this right now.

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