Whispers

Today was a prime reason as to why I'm not going on the "works" Christmas do to Blackpool. There is too many people who whisper behind my back or even while I'm there for me to enjoy myself. I really don't like it when it's so obvious that people are talking about me and I'm like less than a metre away from them. If that is how they want it then so be it, I've got better things to do than be overtly concerned by that.

I take some power away from this. I really did get very angry today, and I was a little suprised by it. I didn't expect it today, more so as it was volunteers and just 1 member of staff, but happen it did and it's been logged down in my memory bank I guess. This person had best be aware of things, as she's in line for a shock or two soon.

Still these things happen to me all the time, and something must be getting better as I'm not angry or frustrated by it. The thing is that I've grown to be used to it, and though it's not nice and to a point very discriminatory I don't give a flying monekys. Why should I let it effect me? I'm not going to Blackpool to endure a night like that. I can stay at home and get the same.

Apart from the naff day at work, I then got home and watched the worst football game I've seen since 1989. It was shambolic and very unfamiliar to what we've come to expect from the team. I'm not sure what had gone on, or why they were that bad, but bad they were and left me wondering why I had decided that this would be the game I'd pay to watch. Still it can't get any worse that than I think, I hope.

Out of sorts

I'm so alone tonight, My bed feels small than when I was small. Lost in memories, lost in sheets and old pillows.

Ok, so I stole that line, but it's sort of how I feel tonight. I really could have done with some sort of company tonight. I am ok on my own, I've been like that for ages, but tonight for some reason being alone has effected me. I'm bored and have no one to bounce ideas off. I can't pinpoint why I'm so alone tonight, but hey it's only 1 night in the past couple of months or so I guess.

Maybe it's cause I watched the last episode of Six Feet Under again tonight and like the first time I did so I cried my eyes out. I don't know why I did this time, I had no sentiment to this, it was a second showing and I knew what to expect, but it still hit me hard. I really don't have much of an idea.

Well I'm working tomorrow now, which isn't a bad thing as it adds up to my overtime sheet again. It's building up again and as it's only 3 weeks since I cleared the last lot off, to have over a weeks over time back isn't too bad. What makes it worse though is that I've been trying not to do any overtime, but as it's happened, I'm not complaining. I'll have to take this lot off as time off, but it's going to be the week around Christmas me thinks. I'm going to keep adding to the overtime till I get a couple of weeks on it me thinks and then do something about it again.

Today has been a lazy day in many ways. I've felt a lot better today than any other day this week. As I didn't have much to do in terms of work I took mum shopping to Urmston, had a look around the market and then around the shops. Ok, it's not a big place and we were done in just over 90 minutes, but it was a change and that made it all the better in many ways. A change is as good as a rest, and that's why tonight I'm perhaps a little out of sorts.



p.s. the start of this post comes from Out to Get You - James.

Pain Is

Well after a clear record of not going near a dentist for near enough 10 years I had to break that about 4 months ago, when I had a wisdom tooth pulled out along with an absess which was growing on it. The pain prior to it's removal was too much to describe. I was drinking around 1 or 2 tins of alcohol, be it beer or cider, and taking around 8 paracetmol's a day. That was just to abate the pain for a a few hours till the next set of pain killers. Then just about 3 weeks ago, after buying some chewing gum, I realised that part of a tooth had come away while chewing. It was another of my wisdom teeth, this time on the other side.

Now like previously, I didn't dash to the dentist, but then I've not got a dentist as I'd not been for so long. I had to go to the local dental hospital. I delayed and delayed going, but the pain from this new problem while not being as bad, was still enough to drive me crazy. I ended up at the dental hospital on Tuesday and with the same results as the last time in that they took out another of my wisdom teeth. This time it hurt more than the last, which I was a little upset with. Still the tooth is out, and the pain has gone or so I thought. For all of Tuesday I was still in pain, mainly from the treatment I guess. Yesterday, after waking up fine, as the day wore on I became increasinly unwell, the sense of wanting to be sick was constant.

I feel fine this morning, and I'll wait and see as to if I go into work today. If I'd known how yesterday was going to turn out, I'd have stayed off work, but I wasn't to know how bad I would feel at the end of the day. I'm going to give today a go, as I don't have to work till late on, and that's handy. I hate feeling like this, it's being in limbo that I hate. I'd rather be sick and ill than not be and be almost waiting for it to take place.

Anyway apart from that?? The lowlights that is watching the Edmonton Oilers continues, it's now 7 straight games without a win. This is now bordering on the unforgivable, that would be the worst thing I could say about this team. Whilst I hate having to call them, it's getting to the point where something has to happen. I do think the coaching is an aspect which has to be considered a failure, and it's the coaches position which is most under threat. The club has to do something and fast. On the soccer front things are going ok, though not brilliant, another almost excellent performance on Saturday from United. They should have won, but they didn't play for the full 90 minutes, they thought they'd won the game at half time.

Work has been a mixed bag to be honest. I've taken a bit of flak from my manager for going to the dentist this week, but that's just something that has ran off my back. I can understand her arguement, but then again I had to do what is best for me at the same time. I did have a supervision meeting with her prior to the dentist and to be honest that was very interesting. Some of the views that I expressed in terms of what I would like to do are part of her plans. She's got similar idea's on how to drag the project forward, though some are way out of line of mine. I guess this is going to be a fun time to work at Barnardo's. I think I may work on David to come back, he might just start to enjoy it again.

Lowlights

Some days start off well and then end badly, some days start of well and finish even better. Today is neither of those days. Yesterday started off ok, I was quite happy when I woke up and got out of bed. I'd been paid for one and was looking forward to the days work. That was as far as I got. First up my Oilers lost to there local rivals, and then the motorways was chockablock. It took me near enough 25 minutes to travel 300 yards and all because of a speed camera.

I arrived late to collect the child I was picking up, and dropped him off late at school, which in turn made me late for the meeting at work. This some how set the tone for the day. It went from bad to worse as everything I didn't want I got from the meeting. It was most unlike the previous week in Belfast, but that trip made yesterday all the more bearable as I know that I've got other work to do apart from what I was given yesterday. Yesterday just highlighted that things aren't perfect at work, and it's that which has made me choose not to go to the Xmas weekend do in Decemeber. No one apart from me knows that, but hey it will make me happier than others.

I've also got a meeting with my manager on Monday for a supervision meeting, in which I'm going try and give up some of my work load and take something a bit different. I doubt she'll allow me to, but I'm going to try and do it for sure. It's going to be an interesting discussion and I'm not sure if I'll win or not, but I don't really care to be honest.

I spent the rest of the night hoping that something would jump up and cheer me up, but it didn't. Not even watching 3 episodes of one of my favourite shows helped. I guess after that, the call of going to bed was far greater than failing to make myself happy again.

On waking up this morning I soon discovered that today has started off badly, and I hope will change for the better. Why is this so?

Ok, it's only sport, it's only the Oilers losing 7-1, and making it 6 games in a row without a win. It's early days in the season, you always get one of these games in a season, but it's the fact that it's the 6th game in a row we've been beaten. There comes a time in everyone where, something hits you and hurts. This is one of them for me anyway. I'm big on sports as you may have gathered if you have read this place on a regular basis. I'm big on hockey and the Oilers in particular, they are MY TEAM, the one if you slice me in half with a hockey stick would see written across me like Blackpool rock. I live and die for this team, and yet they put in a performace that sends you into the deepest darkest spots of depression.

I want to see good news when I wake up, nothing like that, it spoils the day, when it's meaningless to me really. I'm only a fan, I don't get paid to watch the Oilers, I'm not near enough to pay to watch the Oilers, but if I was I would and thus I feel for those fans that can. I applaud you for turning up game after game and watching this crap that has been presented as a team to you. If I were the type of person to boo the team, I would be doing so from the scoreboard in the Rexall, but that doesn't help. For some reason this is a weird post, as I'm expressing my deep love for a sporting team in a way I never thought I would.

There isn't any hope for me, but for those that happen to read this page regular or not, please don't get into sport this deep, it can seriously damage your health.

Interesting

Nothing beats an interesting day at work, no matter who you are. The more interesting and varied you get the easier the days go by. Yesterday was just one of those days, in that while nothing really stand out took place, everything was interesting to make it go quicker than normal and more so it kept me thinking all of the time. In some ways I would like all days to be like this, but it can't be.

So what else to write about? Well not too much in that while it was certainly a nice day in work, with the exception of a colleagues car having the drivers window smashed and part of her radio taken.

My enthusiasm from earlier in the week is still intense and I can't wait to speak to my line manager over what I would like to do and where I want to go with the idea's that I've got. It's not going to be the normal thing done by this project, but I've got the chance to leave a lasting impression on the place and in a very short space of time. I don't know if it's possible, but I would certainly hope it would be. Mind you it would mean quite a lot of outing myself to lots of people and doing a lot of training perhaps. I don't really mind the those things, but that would restrict the time line I guess.

So we come to today, and what work have I got on? Well none as such. I'm going to go into work around 10am I think as I want to check if anything has come through in terms of expenses or even pay slips. I would also want to speak to a social worker with regards a child that I worked with yesterday, and discuss what action to take. Depending on how I feel and how generous I am, I may also take a group on for the colleague that had her car damaged last night. I don't need to do any of the above, as I've got my hours in already for this week, and thus apart from taking a child to repsite I've no reason to go into work. This is how I like it. I'd rather be up on my hours by Thursday every week, so that Fridays are free to do what I like. Perhaps in a couple of weeks or so I'll manage to get all my hours in before Friday and take my mum shopping to Preston. It's a place I've not been too in a couple of years. I liked it last time.

Anyhow, this hasn't seen me go too deep into my mind or into life has it. Things must be getting better?? Well don't think that please as we all know that my next big fall is just around the corner.

Where was I?

Another day is about to begin, while sitting listening to the odd bird calls on this autumnal morning I can reflect on yesterday very clearly. Nothing really went wrong, and nothing happened to make me feel like it could go wrong, but I'm sure that I was elsewhere.

Where was I? Well my mind was clearly on other things rather than work or I'd have managed to run my group better than I did. Here I go on the beat myself up road again I hear you all shout. That isn't going to happen, as although things could have gone better, we really didn't have much to complain about. I just think that I didn't concentrate on the job at hand 100%. I was probably 75% there and 25% in my own little world. Things could have been better, but they weren't, though at the end of the session everyone seemed to have had a good time of it, and that is the most important aspect of it. We didn't make the clay models that I had planned, for the simple reason the clay hadn't arrived and thus made it impossible. So we bought some biscuit mixes and let them make biscuits. That was very messy and very funny.

I don't think being focused 100% would have made the biscuit making perfect, but I guess things would have gone better than planned. Still what's done is done and as mentioned above, the young people enjoyed themselves.

So what was taking up a quarter of my mind? Well nothing important I guess, just me flinging idea's around. I took enough of my mind off the job at hand, which isn't good, but then again it is wonderful that I can say what I have about this above. I did my job on three quarter speed, which re-affirms my beleif in my own abilities. It's a crazy thing to say, but every now and again things like this does one some good. I would recommend it to anyone. I'll have to say sorry to Dawn and to all the volunteers over the next week or so, but hey they'll probably think I'm going crazy. Oh crazier than normal.

After work, I watched the soccer over at my mum's and while it wasn't entirely engrossing, it was watchable and did just enough to frustrate me. That's the problem with this current United side, they can cruise along in no danger of losing many games, but they don't seem to have the instinct to kill teams either. They need someone with the killer instinct to transform this team.

It's a start

So it began yesterday, I went into the office early, mainly in an attempt to catch my line manager and discuss some of the things I had on my mind after the weekend, but as she was on a training course that sort of went out of the window. Still I managed to get some prepwork done for the work ahead, I spoke with the project manager instead, but only in outline, which I should expect of him.

I wrote letters to a couple of people as way of thanks and also to return the questionaire. I then went to school and completed another job, which I'd started before I left there in May. Well I did what they wanted, the second phase will come along to edit the work to make it more friendly for everyone to use. Add to that, I have added an extra couple of hours onto my time sheet there by suggesting that while doing some work there this morning I go clean the mini-bus I'll be gaining more time, which equates to more money.

After that I returned to work for a visit to arrange even more work there to fill in my hours. That went exceptionally well and I've got to report back to the social worker today how good that went. I think I may have found someone who will really enjoy our time out. I've got to arrange times as such, and sort out where to pick up from though, but it's going to be benefiting to the young person as well as myself.

On reaching home I had plenty of emails, mainly from Barnardo's pertaining not only to the previous weekend's confernece, but also a national committee meeting in January. I told you I had been invited. So I guess it's going to be another day off work depending on where it is, more miles in the expenses account. Still at least I've gone forward and done something. I feel so refreshed by all of this, I just hope it lasts, and that I can maintain forward momentum. It's a start that has been done before, and one which seems always to fall down. I'm getting better at it though, but time will tell if I'm ever going to be successful.

I'm certainly thinking of either next week or the week after of having my hair cut, don't know too much what I want to do, but I may put in some colour and that's going to be the fun part of it. I don't know what colour to put in.......

Fresh Start

I know that things aren't the same as normal, I know some things seem that way, like me having no money and having to borrow, but it's different this time. I think this conference trip has really done something profound to me. I've really come through this and found that thing that drove me a few years back. Around the time that the problems with Nina, Kerry and I blew up, I was seriously thinking of doing some work with younger people and there sexuality problems. When the problems broke I let things get to me and backed away from that. Now though, the fire has been re-ignited.

I want to try and do something, give some help where I can to the young people and even the parents of these people if they need it. I want to be able to help others coming through and to let them know that everything can be ok, that they can work at Barnardo's without fear, and feel good in doing so as well. I am far from perfect, I'm not too happy with lots of things about me, and I've mentioned them in the past, but right now I don't care about me again, I'm more for others and being able to help them. I'm aware of where my journey is going to go or at least where I hope and expect it to go. Others will be less than sure and if I can help them find the map then I'll be more than happy. I'm eager to get into work to start spreading the word and to try and start the machine that I think it will have to be, being built.

For some reason I don't think some of those that I work with will understand or even recognise me in a way when I get back into work. They'll find a person who for want of a better description feels like a flower that has just experienced the warmth and rays of the sun for the first time in the summer. I'm ready to bloom, but will need help apart from the sun.

The first step in all of this is to ask for some training for the staff who have joined the project since I arrived, and also some of those who came before me. I'd like to get that arranged if only as the stepping stone to other bigger things. I know that in the line of work that I do to be able to help the young people will be difficult, but if I can, I will. Even if it's the volunteers alone. Which is now another concern for me, as I feel we are letting them down, by not giving them a voice within the project. We need to do that and to make it as independant as possible. I'm willing to facilitate that and would be willing to do the work for them. It's not fair that some of them have missed out on the conference that I went too, they too could have gone, but as this wasn't promoted amongst them it wasn't known to them.

Still that's another issue to work on, and another challenge isn't it. If I can keep myself challenged and can throw myself into work like I feel I can right now then I'll be far happier. The end results would be far better for myself, and I don't mean that in a self promotional sense, but more in terms of mental self. I'd be happier to feel that I'm doing some good, which is being appriciated by others, and that others are benifiting from it. So here's to the fresh start almost at work, though for how long I don't know. I am so sure of what needs doing and so sure of how to do it, I fail to see one little problem. I'm going to have to bang my head against the door quite a few times before I can even start to do anything, so I have to be stronger than before and not let anything pass by unstarted or left behind.

Energised

I've not posted for a few days, partly due to not having much to say, and partly due to being at a conference in Belfast for a day or two. I know it doesn't sound a lot, a 2 day conference break, but it was more than I needed and you know what I've come back with a fresh attitude, one which has awakened a side of me I had no idea could be ignited.

The conference was the bi annual LGBT conference for everyone at Barnardo's. It has got me thinking about lots of things that need to be done not only for the children, but volunteers and everyone connected with Salford Families. I know it's early days since the conference and that I've come back happy and energised by it, but I do want to make this contribution. I'll possibly be met by some barriers, but I'm not going to let up on this one, I'm ready to fight this one out.

Belfast was a really nice place and one which I'll go back too next year possibly, and one that is fun to be in. I'll have to explore it closer than I was able to this weekend. The conference went without a hitch, we had a few speakers, all of whom were powerful and thought provoking. I've got to say that you read about the problems in Ireland, and then when you get down to something like LGBT issues and how it affects them, it scares you. Under normal circumstances 29% of anything is a large number, but to have that as the amount of under 25 year olds who id themselves to be LBGT try suicide is horrible. I know I've been in that position, but even so, that's horrific. I can't change Ireland, but if I can make a small effort to help here in Salford then all the better.

I did it

Even though I felt bad doing it and feel even worse for doing so now, I did what I had to do yesterday and saw my line manager about my co-worker. Salvaging some pride I was informed that I was the last of my other co-workers to go and say something about this person. It doesn't make it that much easier knowing that, but at least I'm not alone in how I feel about this other person.

With that done, I managed to do a good days work, and feel much happier about myself by the end of the day. In fact the day got so much better once I got home to my mum's. I found my sister there, which would mean that my neice would be there. Seeing as it's such a rare thing for me to see my niece and be able to chat to her, it was just great being able to do just that. We sat and talked about school, Christmas and films. I even got big points for suggesting we go see the next Harry Potter film on openning night, as she's never done the first night of a fim before.

I wish I could see a lot more of her, but that's not my fault, it's her parents and there attitude that makes my blood crawl. I do hope that some day soon they let her have her own mind on things. I know she's only 8, going on 9 in December, but she's a lot brighter than the average 8/9 year old, which in a way reminds me of myself (not gloating about iq, but more in terms of being more mature than the average 8/9 year olds).

Now for the other bit, I've now stayed awake through 2 straight Oiler games, which isn't bad, but waking up at 3am to listen isn't going to do my body clock much good. It's already starting to alter to match the games, which isn't good. By the time there is a break, I'll still be waking up at around 3am. Still if the Oilers keep on winning and doing so playing good hockey I don't care... I'd be happy to wake up for ever if the Oilers remain perfect through the year and lift the cup. I know it won't happen, but here's to a dream, and no I'm not dreaming right now, I'm very much awake.

Don't Want to do It!

I'm going into work tomorrow, not wanting to do what I am going to do. I feel awful about it, but at the end of the day it has to be done. I posted a week or two ago about me working on my birthday and how awful it was. Well I'm going to see my boss tomorrow and to put it in simple terms I'm going to be complaining about a co-worker, a co-worker who I like as a person. That makes it so hard, but I'm not going stand by and let her get away with what has gone on of late.

It's the worst thing someone can do to a point, it's like being the kid at school who tells the teacher that Johnny put the clingfilm over the toilet seats. Your becoming a grass, and that's something I'm not. Well I'm not right now, but by this time tomorrow you'll be able to call me that. I feel uncomfortable with it, but like I said it has to be done, and others have sat back and said nothing before now.

Welcome Back

NHL Hockey is BACK!!! The OILERS win the first game back and that's always good to hear. I went to bed quite early yesterday and woke up around 4.10 to listen to the match. I know I should have woken up at 3am instead, for the whole match, but I didn't and so I got a good half a game in.

It's been too long as far as I'm concerned, the getting up in the middle of the night to listen to Rod Phillips and Morley Scott screaming goal is something I've missed. It's back and it's going to be back a long time. The only way it will be any different is the chance to watch the games straight online. I can't see that being done for at least 3 more years. I wish I'm wrong, as it would be nice to watch all the Oilers games rather than just listen. I've no idea which part of the arena the radio guys are calling from, so I don't know which is the left or right when they call it. One day I'll find out and can then gain a better picture in my head. It's so unlike listening to soccer, where I can picture most grounds.

Well it's now October and the days are getting shorter and it's getting nearer to Christmas, so that means only 1 thing, we'll start getting adverts for..... Yes, Easter Eggs!!! Well as we had Halloween and Christmas stuff in shops in early September, we've got every right to expect Easter presents soon. It does get silly, but do we really have to have it so early? Still I'm feeling odd still, which I guess is good.

Things are going along ok, though they could be better I suppose. I've got to get things sorted out for work next week, and the car has to go into the garage tomorrow. It's then downhill all the way then. I can sit back and enjoy the rest of the month, or at least I hope I can.

Something in the air

I don't know why, I really don't want to know to be honest, but for the past couple of days I've gone really giddy. I'm running off in tangents with things people said, I'm creating meaningless and silly songs to myself. If people were to be observing me, they'd be thinking I've gone mad, but I know I haven't. I don't know what's going on right now, but it's as is something is in the air.

At this point I'll even admit that I'm not on any medication, no hormomes or anti-depressants. This of course is a good thing, or the the later is. I'm just whizzing around as if I were a spinning top, after being set off. For the younger generation, I'll rephrase that, I'm like a beyblade after being launched. You all see, I'm flying!! I don't think I'd have made the beyblade comment any other day. I don't know what the neighbours think, but I'm enjoying my music again and singing and dancing to nearly everything I put on. Maybe it's because summer is over and the Vampire in me is pleased to see the dark demonic days of winter return..

Perhaps it was the return to work that set me off, if it is then I'm in serious need for help!!

Who cares, let's enjoy the good while it lasts as the dark clouds will return, just like summer and clutching in the NHL, it always comes back. So what is new?? Well not a lot from yesterday. Work was ok, though things have changed quite a bit since I was last there, lots of new practises to learn and find out about. It's not going to be difficult, but some of the things will be. How can I justify 21 hours a week, with a case load of one group and one child on a one to one basis. I can't, but I'll get more to my case load and being able to predict what I'm doing will become easier or at least I hope it will......

The decision has been made, once I get through this month and all the monies are sorted out, I'm going to try and get my Christmas shopping done. It's early to think about that I know, but when you work it out there are only 82 shopping days left till Xmas, which will soon fly. So here's to getting things done early this year and not having to worry about it in the last couple of weeks. Not that I normally enjoy Christmas, it's a time I normally hate, similar to my birthday, but hey I can at least try and work at it. It looks like I'll be at my mum's this year, which isn't too bad, but if not, I've got to decide which nation of cooking to do my Christmas turkey too. I have done Christmas pizza and Christmas fajita's. So what next? Sweet and Sour turkey?? That's an idea, it's full of Xmas colours with the green and red's... That's an idea.

You see my brain is working in tangents again, it's something that I just can't prevent and of course the more and more I go off at tangents, the more I write. It's pure waffle, but it's always good fun to write some of the abstract thoughts.

Back to work

Well it's been an interesting few days to be honest since I last wrote, going to Chester was fun. It had been a long time since I'd been and to be honest some of the places seem to have got lost. I didn't recognise some of the places, but that made it better of course. I didn't buy anything, though I was close, till finding the price for a cycle shirt was £10,000 or for those in Canada around $20,000. Why so dear? It was a race worn and autographed yellow jersery from the 2002 Tour de France, signed by Lance Armstrong. It didn't have a price on it, so I asked and quickly put the shirt back...

Friday my car failed it's MOT and it's going to cost me £160 to get it legal, which it has to be for work. It's a lot of money considering how much I've spent on it of late. The only good thing is that none of the work required is related to the accident I had in it the other week, so I should be thankful I guess. It's still taking a chunk out of my budget again.

Saturday was Lisa's birthday, I sent her some flowers, which she really liked. It's not something we tend to do with each other, buy presents that is. As she had given me a present for my birthday I had to recipricate. It was only fair and flowers seemed such a nice idea.

On to today and it's a return to work. I've got lots of issues with work right now that won't be sorted till next week I fear, but I'm waiting and I'm not going to let them drop like I would in the past. It's gone too far this time. Apart from that I'm almost looking forward to going to work, it will be something different, as I've not worked a full week properly since August. I've had plenty of rest for the batteries to be recharged, but I burn them up quickly...