Saturday, April 29, 2006

The wallowing in my own manure is coming to an end, I'm no longer afraid of what might happen. I know that what ever has happened, I've got to move on from and either repent or correct my ways, I can not possibly go backwards. That isn't something which is easy, not under the circumstances. I've got to really find out the cause of my problems and then work on it. How to find out the problem is difficult as I'm scared to address the problem.

I'm almost drawn to the sky here, to describe my problems that is, but it's not a good example. I need to seek out better ways to describe what is going in my life, and to sort things out before drawing a correct comparrsion to this.

Anyway today's Saturday and it's fun just to be able to rest up a little and not have to be too concerned about work or anything. Of course Saturday is the traditional sports day over here in England and yes, there is a small matter of a huge soccer game at lunch time for us, but I'm not even nervous about that yet. I don't think I should be either, but it's something that isn't running my mind. That could be the AD's working I don't know? What I do know however is that I'm just so flat right now that I couldn't care less about anything.

Friday, April 28, 2006

200 Posts and counting

Well this is the 200th post as the title suggests, and little did I expect to be here right now, but here I am and here I write again. It's been a journey of many descriptions and for those who have read almost from day 1, it's certainly been hard going.

So the Oilers lost last night for me, but it's no big concern, as I had them to do it in 6 and 6 it will be. I'm just hoping that they can pull it off. Not only for the club, but also the fans and even more so those in and around Edmonton and Vancouver.

Things seem to be slowing right down as of late for myself. I'm not sure if it's not the AD's or it's just me sorting myself out naturally. I was clearing my head out on Monday when I went to see my doctor, but I think it could be a combination of things to be truthful. Which ever it is, I'm more at ease, and perhaps ready to face the world again soon. I have to be careful though, as it's little things that will set me back, those little things that irk me, but wouldn't irk the person who says or does what ever.

This time around I've built the walls even higher and stronger than ever before. It's going to take an monumental effort for someone to break through all my barriers to me right now. Even the special friends will find walls up in front of me, walls they've never encountered. It won't be easy for them, but they will have to climb them to get too me. I can't let them through anymore with the ease to which they did. I'm sure it will be a help to me, but I'm unsure of what they'll think. Whoops there I go again, why should I care about what they think? Why should I care about what you think of this blog? I mean this is for my use, it's my thoughts and I write this to help me. If it entertains or provokes thought within the reader then all well and good, but this is more to let me sound off.

My mind is as complex as anyone else's, but I've been quite open with that in the past, and perhaps it's been my downfall. I may need to retain that bit of secretcy, but I do for the most of you on here, in fact all of you I guess. So what am I talking about? Well, I guess what I'm saying is that in the past I've been quite eager to open my thoughts to the world and then some more to the selected few. Right now, I need to be selective as to what I put out full stop. It's nothing against those in the past, it's just that I now accept that this hasn't helped me, nor them. I just need to back away from things and re-establish what the special friendships are all about and if indeed they are still friendships at all.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Show Goes On

In the words of the song, the show must go on, and on it goes. I'm feeling better by the day, but far from perfect, though perfection isn't something that I can assatain. Well not in this life anyway, some other life perhaps. Oh that sends this post to a different tangent now.

Do we have other lives? Well in a way I think we do, but it's how we treat them? I don't think we are aware of our past, nor do we have any control as to who or what we return as, but part of us do return after we die, I'm quite sure of that. I think that in some way I'm paying for my previous lives with the one I've got right now. Still that's that little theory out of the way I guess. Although one point which bites this on it's backside, is that on any given day the population of the planet increases by 200,000 which means that the amount of lives being created within the human populace outweighs that of which we lose. Hmmm, even my maths can tell me that some where new life is always being brought into being and that the theory I've just proported to stand by is proven wrong. Still I like being wrong.

So back to the show, and of course it's moving on. I'm altering and morphing into something I don't know. I really don't know who I am right now, and that scares me. I'm reclusing further and further into my own self, and I'm not allowing anyone in. I'm trying to fit in more and more with the world, but the more I try the more it fails and the further I push myself away. I'm feeling quite okay with that, but it's very painful and I wish that someone would come in and say something to me, someone to say something magic, to ease that pain. It's really odd, in that I know what I want to happen, but it isn't going to happen soon.

I miss my friends, I miss the contact from the world outside, but at the moment, I can't afford to be a part of it. The more I'm a part of it, the more hurt it causes me and that's not what I need. I am alone in this world, I've no one to turn too, I've never been so alone and it's something that I'm scared of. I've got to work through this, part of me being so alone right now is my own choice. I'm toughing it out, and that's the strange bit about this blog. I'm telling whoever reads this page what I feel, how I feel and what I want, and yet what do I get from it? Nothing, I don't get what I really want, as I wouldn't or won't allow anyone through the barriers to me at the moment even if you tried. I guess it's part of me, part of my past that I allow only the odd few into the inner circles that surround me. Saying that people often retreat from that zone, or as in some cases I've pushed them away.

The fact that I'm telling you folks this is beyond strange, hands up those who come back on a regular basis, who really thinks they know me? I bet none of you really do. I don't think I really know me to be honest. As the tag line to this blog reads it would bum me out if people could describe me easily. It's part of me being me I guess. Would I alter that though? Yes, I would to be honest, I'd like to find someone to whom I could talk on a regular basis, someone to whom I could share myself with. As it is, I've no one, and those that do get close get used to the extent that they leave at somepoint as they can't take it anymore. That's my problem, I'm too much for people, and too much for myself.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Edmonton Win, Edmonton Win, Edmonton Win.......

2nd Period of Sudden death OT, the Oilers score in what we are being told is the 3rd longest OT game the Oilers have played... Oh thank you Jarret Stoll, this is the big goal, this could be the goal to the second round......... This is what play-off hockey is all about!

My own mood has been an important feature of this blog of late, and I was going state that it's getting better, but as I started out this entry the Oilers score the goal that wins the game. I'm going to go around today with a smile the size of Canada thanks to this goal. Right now though let's go back to yesterday.

Things were ok, but nothing special my group went quite well considering that we had 6 out of 8, and it was the first with my former 1 to 1. He did what he wanted to a point, but he'll learn that he can't do everything that he's done before. I'm sure that he'll fit in once he settles down. Once I got home, I just relaxed, fell asleep for a while, but woke up to watch some of the football on the tv, but I wasn't too bothered about the result, even though it was an English team in Europe.

I picked mum up from bingo, but she wasn't too well, but insisted that she'd be fine once she got home, she wasn't though. She called me shortly afterwards telling me she'd been sick and wasn't in good shape. So I went around, and we called the NHS hotline, they advised a doctors appointment, and so we ended up at the local hospital seeing the after hours gp. I was going to stop at my mum's, but she was adament that she'd be ok. I'm going to go around quite early today to see how she is, and then take her to the doctors this morning. I'm a little concerned, in fact quite a lot concerned, but I'm not going to panic yet, I'm sure it's just another ailment that goes with old age.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Scooby Doo, ate my hamster

Good day campers how are we today? Hope everyone is happy and chilled? I know of at least one person that isn't, but that is to be expected isn't it? After all, I'm the one taking the happy pills to help me out, I'm the one who accepts that I'm depressed!! Still it's feeling good having taken my morning tablet. Those green snails flying around the mobiles in my room are nice, I'll try and capture them on a picture.

So Tuesday arrives, and nothing is really going to happen today. I've got my group later on, which should be interesting as I've got my 1 to 1 joining the group. That's going to create such a different dynamic, and of course there is the factor of a colleague bringing another child along to the project on a 1 to 1, but this will effect my group no end I'm sure. I'm looking forward to the group though, as it's going to be facinating to see how the addition of an extra person alters the group.

Apart from that I've got a bit or work to do on myself as well. I need to sort out what I do and do not want. I need to go right down to the basics and try and build up me from there. I know I can do this, and that it's always something to be happy with once I've done it. I need to be very selfish and show no compassion towards anything. I'll discard what I can, and only keep those that are useful and used, otherwise things are out of the window for good. This involves material goods as well as mental issues, friends etc.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Who said something?

For some reason today has seen a huge jump in people reading this blog, has someone put a link up somewhere or has someone suggested reading this? What ever has happened, I hope those that have read these rantings today come back soon, to explore where this journey of my mind takes you next.

Whilst on that topic, may I point out
that I went to the doctors this morning and admitted that I was in need of some help with my mood, and such. She listened to me, and then asked a couple of questions, which she knew I could answer, but she had to ask. Now I've got a months supply of Anti-depressants and hope that they can help me. These are a new type for me, and are supposed to work within the week, so let's hope that's true and that maybe and just maybe, I can return to the jovial person that I was, without a care in the world.

Today hasn't been that bad, but I said the other day, I may have hit the bottom and am on the rise again, but regardless of that the tablets will help me with that and I won't be on them long, I can and do have AD's, it's just that I take myself off them after a while so I don't become addicted to them. It's never at the wrong moment either. So let's see how these go and how much my mood can improve over the next week or so...

I got an email from one of my friends today, and lo and behold they are on the front page of the Edmonton Journal, here's the picture. Both are great guys, we have met, and they owe me a couple games at the Rexall when I'm next over for the games at Old Trafford I gave them on there tour of the UK a good few years back. Mind you I don't think they realise that the day we met up in London has gone down in folklore with some of those that they met.... I think it was me having a drink or two more than I should and then driving home. That was also the day when we stopped in a layby for me to have a drink and rest, and one of the passengers waking up screaming at me for stopping in the middle of the motorway.

Sunday, April 23, 2006


Well, just as the weekend comes to an end, things start to turn back to what they were during the previous week.

Ok, so today hasn't been that bad, but it hasn't been good. I did very little, cept a bit of shopping for my mum, then went to her place grabbed a bath/shower and that was it. Then picked her up from bingo and made tea for her. I watched 24 as normal with her, as she still thinks that I'm watching it at the UK pace. Then went to go home!!

I couldn't find my keys, for the second time in a week, I couldn't find my keys. I looked all over my mum's place to see where they could be, and then in the final place I found them.... Locked in the car. I was lucky it's been a warm day today, so I had the window ajar, but I couldn't reach down and open the door. So struggled for 20 minutes getting more and more frustrated that I couldn't get in my car, nor could I get into my flat as my key to the flat is on the car keys. My mum eventualy got the door open using the large scissor type kitchen utensils that you turn food with.

It was whilst on the way back that I realised that the Oilers would probably have won, in an odd way as everything else was turning against me and I had predicted a Wings win in this game. Sure enough the Oilers had won......

I've got an doctors appointment in the morning it will be interesting to see what she says and prescribes me...

Bright Side

As much as I've been down of late the one thing that I've not done is tried to let it effect my work. Thursday was probably the worst day I've had for letting effect me, but I still got through the day, with little more than a couple of tellings off for some over excited teenagers.

Yesterday however was the reverse. I took all the nervous energy that I've been creating and turned in for myself the best I've been for ages. I just led from the front, by being silly, not caring about anything and only caring what the children think. I know that most of them (children that is) had an enjoyable time and though whilst out at the museum they had little contact with me, they all seem interested in what they were seeing. Then back at base it was a case of switching on the gears and moving towards top gear. I felt really good at the end of the session. This could have been my saving grace I guess. I've got a long way back up the hill to the top of my emotions, but this was certainly better than of late.

Mind you, you get home and then are presented with the one of the worse situations one can choose from. A cup semi final, being played between two of your teams biggest rivals. The problem is who do you support if any? Who do you want to win. It was painful, I neither wanted Liverpool or Chelsea to win for various reasons, yet one needed to win and whom did I want? It was horrible and even more so that this was being played at Old Trafford. I hadn't realised that Liverpool fans had the end of the ground where I've sat for so long. I'm going to have to take a couple of wipes with me next time to clean the seat before I sit down on it. I don't want to catch anything from them....

I may not be as miserable as I was this time last week, but I am still hurting deep down, still crying and feeling lonely. I am being rather English in showing that "stiff upper lip" whilst in the crisis. I hate doing that, but it's something that I've always done, and I've always hidden the crisis. You know from reading the posts of the past week that I'm hiding something, I've already alluded to that, and won't be telling you what till it's sorted or I'm comfortable with it.

Talking of being English, today is St. Georges day, the patron saint of England. I must applaud Manchester City Council here. Regular readers will be aware of my disdain of Manchester as a city, for all they have taken from the wonderful Salford, but I have to give praise where praise is due. They are holding a St. Georges day parade today along with many little side shows and an "English Market" in the town centre. This is the first time they've done this for years, well as long as I can recall. My mum can't recall anything similar. This of course is in response to the fact that we have had a St. Patrick's day parade for the past few years. At last Manchester is celebrating the fact that although it's a mulitcultral city, it is English. Well done Manchester I'm proud of you for a change.

Saturday, April 22, 2006


It's been over 24 hours since my last post, and that was intentional. I felt that I needed to take a breathe and see if I can hold back how I felt, just to see if it brought a more rational post. I'm not sure it will do such a thing, but I do know that it will certainly be descriptive.

Thursday was a awful day in terms of moods and work, intertwinning to make a shit day for me. I was ok going into work, almost looking forward to the group, even if it meant doing something I'd never done before. Then it ended!!! I got into work and said my hello's, and was just about to make a drink, when I find out I can't I've got to go and collect the children, no one had told me I was escorting, good start. We got to the first child, someone whom I've known for years and they were fine at first, but after collecting the second child they started to kick off. Nothing major in that, but I've never known them to do that and in such a way. I know I had my hair pulled, and was scratched and hit, but it wasn't major in that she did any damage to herself or the other children. I wasn't helped by the driver who had little idea of (a) where he was going or (b) what to do. Once we got back to base I had to struggle to get the children off the bus and into base. Thankfully I did manage towards the end to get some help, from my colleague.

Once inside, we were trying to sort things out, but we eneded up one volunteer down, as her bus was late, due to a breakdown. Nice of them to let us know as we were planning around having her there. It doesn't make things easier when you are one down and have more dependant children than normal. I say normal, it's normal for this group, but not for others. In a later trip to the park all 5 were in wheelchairs, and not push chairs. Still things were just sorting themselves out, when one of my other colleagues phones in sick for the day, which wouldn't be a problem, but they had a group later on Thursday and of course the person who has more hours toil than most, who is constantly being asked to reduce there hours is again asked to cover..... That's fine, but it made Thursday into a 12 hour working day, and then I've got today (Saturday) which is a 6 hour day. That's 18 hours in two days, after I've got my 4.25 hours on Monday and of course my normal hours on a Tues and Wed. Oh did I say my normal working hours for the week is 21.

I take on the extra group as it isn't too much of a problem to me, or shouldn't be, but of course right now other things jump into this to make it all a problem. I've got a 1 to 1 from 3.30 for a couple of hours, and later in the day I'm asked to drive the mini bus to collect the group for tonight starting at 5pm. I'm sure you can work out something here, in that a clash of times was going to take place. I wouldn't mind, but they normally have a hired bus and driver for this group, but as I was available and the bus was free they cancelled with him. They hadn't thought the situation through had they... It was left to me to explain to them what was going on, and to come up with the solution that I'd cut short my 1 to 1, which wasn't what I wanted especially as it was the last time I was going have this person on a 1 to 1 basis, as he joins my group next week.

During this time the group is running ok, nothing spetacular, but it's working. The child that was kicking off earlier continued to do so, and the volunteer arrived well over an hour late. We had lunch, and started to change everyone, when the next problem arose. This brought of course more complications than just a problem for the group, but it was just one of those things, but as my current mental state is fragile, it was another push towards the barrier's. Once we got out of the project for a walk things started to settle down. We got back and then got all the children away and I had to go back and tidy up what mess we'd created. All well and good, but I had around 5 minutes before I had to start considering what to do with my 1 to 1. I also needed information with regards the pick ups for the group and what we were going to do. We had planned bowling, but in keeping with the day when we phoned to book we couldn't get in anywhere.

So whilst that was starting to play on me, I had to dash down to collect my 1 to 1, and then explain to mum that I'd be home a bit earlier with him, due to the group. Mum to be fair was very understanding and we quickly made a get away and went back to the project. I wasn't going to be unfair on the child and take them to a park, when we had so little time. Back at the project though, I could do some planning towards the evenning group, as well as let the child play or do what they wanted. Again this was ok, till I find out that hardly anything had been done in terms of planning for the other group, and it was now becoming dangerously close to pushing me over the edge. I had to get the 1 to 1 back, but I was going to use the bus to take him home and then of course use that to pick up the other group, kill two birds with one stone. That was the planned agreed with, but did it happen? No, I had no escort for the bus, and thus I had to go and drop my 1 to 1 off in my car, half an hour later than intended and then of course when I get back to the project having picked up one of the group, I find that the escort that normally comes has phoned in to say she can't make it.

So it's someone who I know, but isn't on the group with me. This sort of makes things a little bit hit and miss for those on the bus as they don't know what's going on and keep pushing the buttons in me which will lead to the meltdown. By this point I'm trying not to care about anything, as anything has gone wrong today, my priority is the children, but only to the point of safety. I was on the edge and whilst I knew it would make me work really well, it isn't always the best way or fairest way to work. By the time we got back to the project to pick up those group members who aren't picked up and the volunteers, I wanted to snap at someone, but I couldn't could I!! Still things even on the way down to the intended activity wasn't smooth.

It had been agreed to go to the Laser tag/zone area, the group were looking forward to it. So off I headed towards the Trafford Centre, where I know they have the set up. My colleague then asks why I'm going that way? as they were expecting me to go to the zone at the bowling ally, so a quick route change and then phone call to the place to find out if it's booked out reveals that the zone at the bowling ally has been closed for at least a year. So with a bit of luck we hadn't gone too far off route to the original destination, but it added some time onto our journey. Once at the Trafford Centre it was up to the cinema as that's where the Laserzone is. I get up there with the forward runners in the group, and go and talk at the reception desk, and guess what the current game is playing and the next one doesn't start for around 25 minutes which is fine, but then the game itself is 25 minutes and by this point we'd have to be leaving the that would make us late.

So with little time to do anything we all turn around and go down to the eating area and go and buy some chips or burgers for the children. This though leads to problems as my colleague go's off ahead of me, and by the time I reach the bottom of the escalators I find 2 of our children waiting. Now I presummed after asking them that my colleague had left them to go and collect the food, so we sat down and waited. A voluneteer and myself with 3 teenagers. We were happily settled when my colleague phones me, to ask where we are, as they are seated around the corner, but hadn't gone and collected the food, had been waiting for us to arrive at there table. Another push towards insanity I guess, but it's something that I was expecting. So we sat and ordered the food and that went down well.

As we prepared to leave, another little problem, I'd lost the keys to the minibus!!! How could I do such a thing? I had them, it wasn't as if I would have dropped them. So as the part of the group headed out of the building, others were left, not knowing what was happening. So off I go sending them back and a dash back up to the laserzone, to see if the key's are up there. They are not, but a phone call to customer services reveals that they have been handed in. So I rush down to them, collect the keys and rush out... Could anything else happen to make things even worse? Well we'll see. I get back to the project and just as we are about to move on out, two of the teenagers on the bus declare they need the toilet, so a quick stop and unload gets them out and into the project for the toilet, and then we are off. No real problems on the drop off, but it's all time consuming. By the time I'm back at the project, there is no one in sight, and so once I'd shut the building down once more and left it was close to 9pm.

I was hungry, tired and very peeved off by this point. I however had more to come. I had a little fuel in the tank, but I'd also not eaten. So I was going to get a takeaway, but I needed some money out of the bank. I headed off, concerned about the petrol, but more worried about what I was going to eat. I know what you are all thinking, but just wait on before you find out what is going to happen. Well I got to the bank, and hey I was refused money out..... I had no money, which was just about all I could take, so I got in the car and drove home. I made it home with the little fuel, but no money, still hungry and very tired. So after making some tea I get a phone call from my work colleague. Things were ok, but she wanted to talk about something that had happened earlier that week. I wanted to know, but two things weren't helping. One was my hunger, and the second was the line was poor that I had difficulty understanding what was said.

Bed was the most welcome place for me later on, and it became home for the night.

Yesterday was a better day by far, though I wasn't in work, does that suggest anything? It was pay day, so I wasn't too worried about the financial problem of the previous night, but early in the morning I fueled the car up, went to the doctors to make an appointment for Monday and then off to my mum's. I grabbed a shower there before my neice came around. I had arranged the previous day with my mum and then my sister who spilt the beans with my neice to go ice skating. I hadn't been for ages and I knew my niece hadn't been since she was around 3 or4 when I last tried to take her. Once at the rink she hauled herself around on the boards and even though she didn't fall she still was very unhappy. She claimed she couldn't skate or even stand, and yet we'd seen a little boy fall at least 10 times in the space of 10 yards. It was the typical comical stuff.

By the time we were leaving the ice, she was gaining the confidence to skate and do so quite well to be honest. The one thing though that I do notice with my neice and it's something I've just thought of. Most of the things she enjoys, she's had coaching in, i.e. trampolining, guitar, swimming. She's never really had any coaching in skating and that's probably the reason as to why she's not confident and why she was so unhappy with her performance. So perhaps when the new rink in Altrincham is open, we can try to arrange something. I'm sure that she'd enjoy herself.

From the rink, we did a bit of shopping before going for lunch at Burger King. I was very suprised that I ordered a burger from here, and my staple diet from these sort of places are veggie burgers, but you know what I really enjoyed the burger for a change. It was a shock, but I'm not going to make a habbit of of it. I do much prefer the veggie options. So a drive home saw both my mum and neice fall asleep in the car, which made the trip back a chilled out drive as I didn't want to tear up the roads and find myself getting worked up. As we got home both my mum and neice promptly sat down and rested.

It was the perfect antidote to the previous day and meant that my frustration had time to settle and then be purged from my body. That isn't to say that if my doctor suggests AD's and or time off work with Stress and depression on Monday I won't take it. I've got to do something or else I'll jump off the edge that I was place upon on Thursday. Oh and as a side note, I'm driving the bus today, which isn't a suprise, though I shouldn't be doing so. As it's me though, this is the second time I've had to drive for this group, I knew it would happen. I'm not going cast any sort of rumours towards those who organise these groups, but I seem to drive most times that I'm on them, when it was due to my own misfortune years back that staff was told they wouldn't be asked to drive and be in charge of the groups. Of course those that created that rule have left, and we are back to square one. Just something else to keep me on the edge.

Thursday, April 20, 2006


Oh well, I stand before you today knowing it's going to be a hell of a long day. I've got a holiday group to run with a fellow colleague. I hope to pull my weight, but if I don't I expect my arse to be kicked from here to eternity. I feel I can pull this off without any problems, just. Mind you I've got to gastro feed today and that's something though I've trained for it, have never done.

Once the group is over I've got a 1 to 1 with a child for a further 2 hours and then once that is completed I've got a wait of 3 hours before having to go back and then take a couple of children home. So when all said and done it's a 9am till a 9pm finish. Then after resting tomorrow, I've got to work all of Saturday as well. This means in essence that in the two days I've described I'll have worked 15 hours out of my 21 for the week..... Me thinks my toil is going to go up this week rather than down.

Some thing that I've got to think about and want to ask YOU the readers of this blog, is how clear have my posts been of late? I thought from the way I've written them, that I'm not in the greatest of mental states, just about holding onto the last grasps of sanity and coping with my own life just. If I've not made that obvious, well I have done now.

I ask that as it seems obvious to me that some people haven't realised this, they'll know who you are, and they'll probably go off huffing and puffing into a corner and sulk now. I'm sorry, but I can't help you out this time, I've got my own life to sort out, and can't afford to spare time to sort myself out, let alone someone else. I thought it was obvious from the posts that I've made that I'm flying in my own turmoil, your going to have to wait for me to sort me out, before I can sort you out. At least though show some respect will you to those who are not in A1 working condition in the future.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006


The party that is happening inside my head continues to engage itself, whilst it's disengaging with me. Well it's something going on in there, as for some reason I've got the second headache of the day. It's not as if I've done anything to even be near headache time, but I am. It has to be stress.

Well the local hockey team has announced it's new coach, and it's Tony Hand, or as the press are now building him up as, the UK's Great One. He does hold all the points and goal scoring records for UK players and more than likely all the records in the UK full stop. Mr Hand was also the first UK trained player to be drafted by an NHL team, of course it was the Oilers, just that he got homesick during try out camp and never stopped around long enough to make a career out of hockey in North America. I'm not overtly thrilled about the choice of coach, but I've got no position as such to voice a true opinion. All I hope for is that he get's the team right and the junior development right. Once that is in place the future for hockey in Manchester will be set.

I wish that I had some good news about myself to promote, but there isn't. I'm not going to rant on, like I've done of late.


Whilst things seem to get better by the day in terms of the future, they also look far from rosy, in fact possitively rough. Not that some of it my own making, I can't say that I'm an angel and that things that happen are not of a direct consequence to my own actions, but it's clear that far more negative incidents happen to me than most.

Maybe it's me being paranoid and looking for the worse in every situation, but even when I'm in a good mood, and feeling really happy with one's self, something comes up and kicks me in the mid drift. It's just one of those natural things for me, and whilst some might take it as a shock, not to me it isn't.

So what has happened today? Well nothing yet, but I'm sure as hell I'm going to get into work perhaps or something at my mum's will kick me. Even if today has been a bit brighter to start off with than previous days this week. I'm not convinced that things will remain as they are. It's a bit like the weather right now. I can see bright sunshine, but looming large is a huge rain cloud ready to disperse it's contents, and I'm due to go out in a minute or two too my mum's. Worse still, I've got a child later on, and the intention was perhaps to go to a park, but this rain will put paid to that idea I'm sure. He'll then complain to me, that it always rains if we go to a certain place, which he did last week. That's where he wants to go, but he associates that with rain and me. What can I do? I can't take him out in the rain, so it's indoors and I'm limited in where I can take him with regards that as such.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Who's my friend?

Today is nearly completed and it's been another day where by I've done my work, I've said a few things and come home to nothing. It's just beyond any sort of comprehension right now. I'm just not getting this thing anymore.

Someone in work asked me today why I write here, and I told them what I've told you folks over the past few days, and then the response just killed me.... With all due respect, it's hard enough to get along in my life the way things are, but to try and add more pressure to it by going looking for a relationship, well that would probably end up pushing me over the edge. I've always said that if and when that happens I'll be happy, but I'm not going to go looking. In my opinion if you go looking it only adds more stress when you don't find and that isn't what I need or want right now. In fact I'm seriously considering going to the doctors and asking for some Anti-depressants and possibly a sick note for a week or two, till I get my head sorted out. I'm getting to the point where no matter I do, nothing is seemingly helping. I guess that things whilst they shouldn't be getting on top of me, they are.

Whilst it would be simple to talk to someone at work, or even someone online, very few people actually know me. That's the problem, and it's a vicious circle, in that I don't allow many people to get to know in fear of there reaction, but by not letting them in, I've no one to speak to, and by not speaking I feel alone. When I feel alone, I want to speak to someone, but can't because there is no one around with whom I can chat. I'm almost at the point of accepting that that is "normal", but then I see others and see what others have and I envy that. I'm not though going to freak the world out, by exploding anything about myself here or anywhere else. I AM ME, and ME is very fragile in many ways, and to open up could seriously unbalance me. I do hope that some one suggests otherwise, but it's doubtful. Confession whilst good for the soul, is often damaging to ones reputation.

Still it's always interesting to visit my mind and see where I am at, and in some respects this recent decline in my own mental state is very odd, in that nothing has seemingly happened. Well one thing has happened, and it hasn't been resolved yet, and it's playing a big part of why I'm so down. I'm not able to say what it is, nor do I want too, as this is quite personal, but it's obviously got too me, and I'm feeling very low. I feel lost, and scared by the out come of what will in the end happen, and I'm also worried that if the ultimate worse case scenario occurs then I'm liable to want to end everything, and I'd have little or nothing to live for. It's that serious, or it would seem like that at the time, the only other time I've been near the worse case senario with an issue like this, I was quite close to ending it all then, and this time me thinks it would be something which would last longer than a couple of hours.

This is the end,

beautiful friend,
this is the end,
my only friend the end.

Easter's Over

As quickly as it began the Easter Holiday is over, and now the television advertiser's are left in a quandry. Since January, we've had adverts pertaining to Easter, little hints, like Cadbury's cream egg's sponsering Coronation St. Adverts for the aforementioned treats, in the high st. Now though, it's all change, it's the time of year when we have no holidays to look forward too, no celebration till around October/November and by then, we'll be onto Christmas again. So those with tv's can sit down and enjoy adverts aimed at nothing, but selling goods, and not around holiday times.

Easter being over also means for a lot of us a return to work. I'm getting used to the idea of not having school holidays off, but every now and again I wish I did. I know that Friday will be fun as I have no intention of going into work unless I have too. I know for a fact that Amelia is going to be at mum's so I can spend some time with her her again. We've had lots of fun with the time we've had together this holiday and to be honest, we've not had many fallings out of late. We enjoy the time we have with each other as it's few and far between.

Talking of my little neice, Loxy has written an new post about making a mess of something, which sounds a little crazy I know (btw - that's the colour I'd really want to do my hair with!), but I gotta say that yesterday, I'd ran my aunt home from mum's gone back, and my neice was there. She'd got my mum to make her a small 6" pizza for her tea and that was that. I know I had put a couple of pizza's in mum's freezer so I took one out and baked it for my own tea. When ready, I took it out the oven, sliced it, washed the utensils that I had used, took the plate into the living room, took off my Oiler shirt (didn't want pizza down that) and then sat down. This must have taken at least 3 or 4 minutes. So I thought it was safe to bite, but it wasn't I'm now the owner of a burnt lip, with a blister on which looks as if I've sliced my lip open. All my neice could do was laugh at me, and then went and got herself a plate and promptly ate half my pizza.

Here I am now though alone again, happy to be alone, and this is where I know things are getting stranger, I didn't even go to the pub to watch the soccer yesterday, I just couldn't be bothered to put myself through that experience. I didn't want to be around anyone, when I really enjoy going into the pub to watch United play. I'm ultra convinced that something isn't right with me now. Mind you, I have been in ultra shy mode of late, which makes it more difficult for myself to do anything really. I should force myself, but that will only really lead me to more problems.

Enough of that now, it's becoming repetative. I could go on and on with that, but I'm not going too. I am feeling sorry for myself, and want the world to know it, but deep in the middle of all of this, as I woke up this morning, I knew that there was something, someone more important to think about. My cousin who's not got long to live, as the cancer she has is terminal, I really would like to make peace with her, but I have no way of contacting her, other than snail mail, and even then I don't know if it would be read or get too her. I am going to miss her, more than most think, she is and was the only person in my family ever to listen to me, and talk to me, all be it as a 6 or 7 year old kid. She was the person that perhaps got me writing other than at school. I love her lots, I'd swap the cancer in her body to mine if I could, I'd happily sacrafice myself for her, but it can't happen. I know when she dies, I'll be told that I'll have cried crocodile tears, but they won't be such, they will be genuine.

My life with my family may be messed up, but nothing they say will hurt me more than by saying I don't care, I do care, I care very much, but no one really cares about me as much I do them. I'm truely amongst friends, but all alone.

Monday, April 17, 2006


I look at the posts of late and I have to question my own motivation, not only to carry on writing, but with lots of things as well. I've got to the point where I think that I need to move on from where I was, but some of where I was is undoubtingly ME, and that has to be sorted out before any progression can be made.

A lot of what I write here are emotions of the day or over time, and often are written for me to rid myself of any problems that I've got at that point. I should point out that prior to keeping this I used to keep a diary on my old pc, but that was huge. When it got to the height of it's progress there was something like 450 pages of a Word document, and it covered a 2 year history of my life. In that diary I wrote things that I couldn't possibly write online. I'd cause myself problems, personal problems and legal problems. That being said it was a great help to be able to sit down and write a entry for that which could describe the whole mood I was in, whilst naming names and calling people if needs must. It was hyper personal and it was very good in helping me rid myself of my demons. It was a help the week of my dad's death. I think I posted a 12 page entry going through every emotion, every detail of what had gone on and how I felt at that point. I cried writing it, and I know I have it on cd somewhere, and if I do read it, it reduces me to tears even now, it's that powerful.

I couldn't possibly bring myself to write something as powerful as that here, but why not? I think it could be that I don't wish to open myself up to the world, and yet I write here! If I were that shy, that I didn't want to open up to you all, then why would I write a blog that anyone can read and any one can link too? It's that sort of contradiction that I mentioned the other week, that I am. I like to keep myself to myself, and yet want the world to know what's wrong and who I am. I think deep down I just want someone to be my friend. That's something I miss, whilst Lisa is the greatest friend anyone can or could have, I've no one else. I've no one who calls out of the blue or pops round as such. It's that, I guess which I crave.

Again I look at what I write and whilst the above is true, what does it mean to here? I don't think I'll find a friend by writing this blog, it's just not going to happen. I suspect the majority of people reading this are living in countries other than England. It's not going to generate the friend that I want or perhaps need. Then why do I continue? I think, and I can only think about this by stepping aside and taking a long look at myself, that in a way this blog perhaps is the friend that I describe in a fashion. It's something that I can talk too, or at least talk to on a fairly good basis and tell it things that I can't tell others around me. The problem is that I get no feed back from it. It won't tell me that I'm being paranoid or that I should do A or B. It won't invite me around for a drink or a cosy night in.

It is then a subsitute for a friend and that brings me back to being lonely, and how lonely I am. Yet, for the past month or so I've felt quite good, not felt that lonely, which is progress. It's a good sign, but yet it lurks, it lurks in the darkest resess of my mind. It obviously is still there, as I've written about it and thus it's never too far away. I hate being alone, and yet I've stated that I want to be alone within the past 24 hours. I don't know what is up with me. I know that what I say is true, and yes I've contradicted what I have said, but you can want to be alone, but want friends at the same time. I think it's easy to explain. I've got no real friends close at hand, I want friends close at hand, but right now and I mean around this weekend I just want to be alone, to caputre my thoughts and move on. So yes, I can want to be alone, and yet want friendship in the same breathe.

Some people may say they can be a friend to me, but when it comes to it, it has to be someone who I can talk too. Not someone whom, listens and nothing else. I've plenty of people who listen, but don't talk and that really isn't what I want, I want someone who's going to talk to me as much me to them. Friendship is about sharing oneself with someone else. It's not an easy thing, maybe I'm being hyper critical of people by saying this, but there aren't many people whom I have ever classed as friends and that's perhaps indicative of me, rather than them. Who knows?

Well life goes on, and whilst I look forward to punishing myself, and the stark reality of being alone and silent for a while, I move forward with a great abound that things will utimately get better. It can't get worse, I know that as I've been below this point on so many occasions, and if I'm to be brutally honest, I've not been "low" for a good while now. I know that I'm at peace with myself these days. The days of me closing motorways down, as I sit on bridges thinking of jumping is over. I haven't felt that low for years now, and I don't think I will be that low again. The problem now is that the low I'm in right now, is probably as low as I'll get for a while. I need to build on this and improve how I feel.

Then again one thing does stand out, and that's how I feel about myself, and how that is. It's better than it ever has been, but there is plenty more to come, and once I can say I'm satisfied with myself then I can perhaps move forward in life. Till then and that is a long way off I can't move forward. I've got to build the foundations for a happier life right now, things have come a long way over the past few years, but I've still got a marathon to run, before I can be apeased.

Sunday, April 16, 2006


It's a strange life that I live. At times I wish to to be the centre of the universe, and yet on a day like today all I want to do is be alone. I don't want anyone other than myself and yet, I yearn for an email or phone call from anyone, just anyone that doesn't want me for anything other than a social chat. In the middle of this stange tangle is me, the physical embodiment of myself, that feels like one of those Stretch Armstrong toys.

I'm sure that I'm not well, the past two days all I've done is sleep and whilst I rejoice at the fact that I'm sleeping for a change, it's not "normal" for me to do so. If I am unwell, then so be it, but I wish it would show in the form of a ailment i.e. a cold, rather than no energy, and feeling lethargic. I need my energy for work, but then of course if I'm not well, do you honestly see me being in work? Not these days I've been through the course of working whilst unwell.

This post doesn't make sense I'm sure of it, but I'm still going to post it, it's just an example of where my mind is and what I have to go through each day I guess. It's really odd to fight myself so much and then be able to assess what I've done and place it into words. I don't even think I'm being as honest and open as I said I would be all the way back when I started this blog. I'm hiding things here that I never thoought I'd hide and that's for me to figure out why. I guess there are somethings that even I won't put into a public place, not just about myself, but about others. I do have some respect for others.

For all intents and purposes this blog has been accurate of how I feel at the time of writing, so don't think that I've kept great chunks of my life out of here, I haven't it's just that the problem that I eluded to on Thursday is something that I am trying to work through by myself, and it would be unfair on someone else if I brought it up in here. It has nothing to do with anyone known to read here, in fact I in some ways hope that the person it is do with doesn't read this. It may be a contributary factor in what is going on right now if they did. You see this is so complicated and in the middle of this, I'm here. I argue not only both sides of the arguement to myself as to what I should or shouldn't do, and what sort of effect it will have on me, but I also swing it around. I try and envisage what sort of response I will get from others and what they want, and then argue both sides of my arguement with both sides of the other peson's arguement and then come up with 987. Yes, I may be correct in what I think of others every now and again, but often I'm not and I feel a fool for doing or saying what I have. This is one of those times I hope, but you can never be sure.

Happy Easter to you lot who have read this on a regular basis, Happy Easter to those who are reading this for the first time. This rant isn't indictive of my blog, but every now and again I do rant.

Saturday, April 15, 2006


At the point of writing this, I'm about to embark on a road of silence, silence to and from someone I love. I'm not sure if this is the correct thing to do, but it's what I think is wanted, not by myself, but that is how I see the lie of the land.

This period is going to be the toughest period of my life for a while, but in the end things will work out I'm sure of it. I've got to do this for my long term sanity and life. I've got to prove that I can move on. It's going to be tough and it will possibly show in here, but it's something to be done.

Apart from that things are plodding along ok, though I have an inclining that something may not be right. I've spent all day today on the verge of sleeping or sleeping. I've had a great deal of rest and I'm craving more. I may not be 100% well, if I'm honest. For me to be craving rest and sleep is a sign that something isn't quite right. I hope for a change that I'm wrong, but I've got accept that I may not be.

Going onto sport, just for a short period. United paid the price last night for complacentcy and also for having to push so much over the last few weeks. They've strained themselves to get in a position to challenge, and last night it seemed to be a bridge too far. It was good while it lasted. At least the Oilers have managed to qualify for the play-off's much to my suprise after there play of late.

Thursday, April 13, 2006


Whilst not being the greatest of days and I've got an extra worry to carry with me for a while now, I've got to say that the appraisal went better than I expected, and though I wasn't looking forward to it, I think I can progress from here.

It wasn't a hang em' dry type of meeting, more of a well this is how you feel, then so be it, but I can't see why you are worried and you haven't done anything wrong. I should point out something here. I guess after all the problems I had at the school, not the previous one, but the two prior to that, and more so the original school, I no longer have much trust for my working colleagues. It is a crying shame that, and I work on my own as I don't want to cause any problems that I could get back to management. I've had tales told before and they have cost me so much, and still affect me now.

I've got to work through that, it's something that struck home today and something that I'm really quite worried about to be honest. If I can't trust those around me, then who can I? This is why I worry so much, this is why I am constantly thinking I'm doing wrong. I am expecting to be told I've done wrong, and that's why I'm on the edge so much. Wow, after so long I've figured out that. The only problem is that I've got to figure out how to combat that, and worse still got to do it on my own. I'm going to really introvert on this one and find myself all over again. Try and find that thing that generates trust and confidence within me. How the hell I'm going to do it I'm not sure, but here lies the challenge for the next few months. Let's get this show on the road, I no longer have to be an individual in a team, I can be a team player, I've always been a team player and yet that's something I've not been for a long time I guess.

The above process might take me to deep, dark recesses of my psyche, but it's something to be done. I've got to figure out how to trust everyone, and that's very important. It's important for me, but it may come as a shock to the rest of the team to find me really coming to the fore as such. If I can find that then the team will be complete and a different dynamic added.


Why as a race of animals do we presume what others are thinking or what the actions show us? We all do it and anyone who says other wise is a liar. I'm not 100% sure if it's not a learnt mechanism either. I mean from an early age we presume that we are doing the right thing till told other wise.

So why am I asking this?? Well I get in trouble for making presumtions about others, and yet others continue to make presumtions about myself and think they are correct. I can't see how the same people who tell me I'm wrong to make presumtions about others, can then do exactly what they preach to me not to do. I feel a little let down by this, but what can I do when the person who has done this is above me. I've got my appraisal this afternoon, and I'm sure that I'm going to take one hell of a beating during this, but I'm prepared for it you know. I've been preparing for this for a few weeks now. I expect the worse, I really do. Mind you, I can get through this, I feel that I can make a point of things and also support my arguements that I put out. Someone might feel that I'm going a little too far into my own self to find things that aren't there, but if I'm appraising myself then I've got to be honest.

I'm sure that tomorrow's post or possibly tonight's entry will contain a blow for blow account, but it may be a different tone from this, one not of frustration, but one of contenplation with what I have to do. I know where my faults are, I know what I have to do, and I'm trying to address those problems, but just as you reach the goals, they go and move them and thus leaves more problems. Work is something you should enjoy, right now this is a JOB, and not something I'm 100% enjoying. I'm hurt to have to say that, to admit such a thing is awful. This is the only thing I'm good at, and yet I'm not enjoying it. I've been in this area of work now for 20 years and I'm not enjoying it for the first time in that time span. Something must be wrong.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006


I write a short post here tonight, after a pleasant day with my neice, but not so a great day at work, but that wasn't the worst day I've had.

I'm just a little curious, that someone isn't talking to me anymore. I think I've upset thema d for this I'm rather angry. I don't know what I've done, but what ever it is, if that is there choice so be it. I can live without them.


Ok, so I've not long since finished my last post and I'm writing again, it's not something planned. I could sort of plan this sort of thing, but not this time. I could write something every 30 to 60 minutes if I wanted too for a good period of time, but not this instance.

So what is the inspiration behind this post? Well it's music of course, the only medium that is stimulating my thoughts right now. I say that as I've been having a wash and getting ready since completing the last post, and I'd left the media player, playing. I'm listening to the Simon and Garfunkel cd, from the 2004 Old Friends Tour. Whilst that was playing and thinking about what I'd put in the previous post, it got me thinking that if at any time I could have had my dad back for a couple of hours or so since he died, that the concert in Manchester would have been it. It is he that got me into the aforementioned duo, and it was he loved the sound of Art Garfunkel's voice. Whilst I enjoy his voice, to me it needs Paul Simon's voice to harmonise it to make it perfection.

I can imagine how my dad would have felt going to see them two in concert, and thinking back now, whilst they did Bridge Over Troubled Water that night in Manchester I cried for most of the song. It was a song selection at my dad's funeral, and it means so much more to me since then. If only he could have been there, he'd have been so enthralled, so happy at seeing those two in concert.

I guess the thought of the time with my neice has set me off, it's times like today I may have to lock away in my treasure trove upstairs and keep with me. Times like this don't come, and won't come very often. I have my thoughts of happy times with my dad, and bad times, but hey we all have them, but the bad seem to out weigh the good at times and deminish the amount of times I think about the good times. I do wish he were around today, to see how happy I am, and that what I did was for the best.

Mind you had it not been for my dad, you wouldn't have had yesterday's rant. He too was a proud Salfordian, and Lancastrian. He too, disliked Manchester, and the throught of Greater Manchester, well I don't think he recognised it ever since it's conception. Our love for the city we were both born in is a bond that no one could ever take from us.


As can be seen, I have a few things which are close to my heart, and I'll defend them for ever and a day. One of them is my neice, no matter what, she is the child that I can never have, the one person in this world that is equal to Lisa, in my eyes anyway.

There was a time a few years back that we'd do lots of things together, between her being 2 to around 4, I took her skating, bowling, to the cinema, and soft play area's. I'd push her buggy everywhere whilst she wasn't walking or I'd drive or even use public transport, but we'd go anywhere. Then it stopped! Why? Well my sister and her husband felt that I might corrupt there daughter, they felt they couldn't trust me. I was hurt, upset and most of all a felt a huge loss, similar to losing an arm or leg. My time with my neice was from now on spent with my mum. This felt as if I was being baby sat, whilst baby sitting. It didn't help, that my mum probably wouldn't want to go and see half the films she's done with my neice had I not been allowed to take her.

So today, for the first time in ages, I'm being allowed to take my neice to the cinema on my own, I'm really looking forward to this, we've not done this for ages. The old routine may well be implimented. By that, it's tickets, a drink (large so we can share), and one of the following sweets, pop-corn or ice cream (Ben and Jerries). Maybe and just maybe due to time constraints for myself, as I have to be in work for 1pm lunch out. It used to be unlimited lunch at Pizza Hut, but she doesn't eat enough to justify that, so perhaps KFC or Mac's for her, and something else for me. I don't know it depends on the time.

Oh I forgot, what are we going to see? ICE AGE 2, I hope it's as good as the previous film, as it was certainly enjoyable. This time is precious to me, it's something to treasure for a long time, and also a chance to prove to my sister that I'm not going to corrupt my neice, never will I do that. She'll find out when she's old enough to understand, but before then I'm not going to say a thing.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006


My town, my home, where my heart will always be, the City of Salford. Not as famous as our neighbours Manchester, but equally as beautiful and equally important.

Why a post about the city that I live in? Well looking out of my window to see a dull grey sky, with that fine sort of rain falling that while not as horrible as "normal" rain, it still gets you as wet, if not wetter, the feeling of joy fills my heart. What in the blazes am I talking about? Well you know it's rather odd, but yesterday was a stunning spring day, where car windows were down, people had music blasting out of the cars, and sun glasses were
being worn. This morning it's back to the more traditional view of Salford/Manchester, and that's what makes this place so beautiful.

I pull open the curtains of a morning to see what I can see, and every day it's something new, something different. It doesn't always rain, it doesn't always be sunny, but it's the unpredictability of the place that often
stuns me into abject joy and misery in the same second. I can have idea's of places to take the children at work to, if the weather is good, but then the weather can't be trusted. Whilst I enjoy the way all the greens jump out in the rain, it's not weather to be taking children out in, and certainly not children who are vunerable to colds etc. The sheer joy of the colours is met with misery at having to stay in at work.

While on my campaign to keep Salford, Salford, I should mention the campaigns for two different causes. The first one is the fight for Salford Rugby League club to build a new stadia. They ha
ve played at the Willows now for nearly 70 or 80 years and whilst every fan of the club loves the stadia, it's now on it's last legs and Salford can't really re-develop it any further than they have done. It is time for a new stadia, but for some reason it's being blocked right up to the the deputy prime minsters office. It's awaiting the green light before they build a stadia which will be fit for the city that it will live in.

The second campaign is one of those local things, but something that we shouldn't even be having to do.... Hands Off Our Hospital
This is one of those crazy idea's that men in suits are forcing the city to do. This hospital is no more than a 5 minute walk for myself, it is of great importance to myself, as I was born there, my dad died there, it's within 2 minutes walk from my mum's and my sister's house backs onto the maternity ward, so much so that when she was expecting my neice, the talk of them building a gate in the back wall for the duration to walk to the clinic was very serious. The city of Salford needs this unit to stay open, how dare they even consider this move, the other 2 hospitals in the city were shut down in the 80's and thus this is the ONLY hospital in they city, and yes we are a city. Other places like Bury and Bolton to whom we'd have to go too for maternity services are towns, smaller places to ourselves.

Manchester in the late 60's, early 70's became "Greater Manchester" a county unto it's own, and took Salford out of Lancashire in the eyes of the government, and to an extent the world. It took over our Police force, our Fire service and ambulance service. Speaking to older members of the community and those include ex police officers and firemen, it was recognised that Salford had the better of the neighbouring cities services. Now they ruined all of them, Manchester is again trying to ruin Salford again. I do get
the impression that Manchester is rather jealous of Salford.

Away from my rant and back to the fact that today may be wet, it may not be the beautiful spring day that most of us were anticipating, but to hell with it, it's Salford and every day in Salford is a beautiful one. I'm glad that I'm not from Manchester, as every day in Manchester is wet and gloomy.

Monday, April 10, 2006

How's about that then guys and dolls? Today has passed without great incident, and hey that's strange, I even got the child out that I had to cancel last week out, for the second time in a row, a record between us. We ended up at one of the local marina's although no boats sail on it, and if anything it's classed as a country park, but locally it's a marina.

It was a stunning day today full of spring sunshine and quite warm as well, all in all a good day. I'm hoping the rest of the week will follow suit, though I can't see it. I'm again down to 3 volunteers tomorrow afternoon and if anyone else has to cancel then I'm going to cancel the group, no matter what I'm told by my line manager. 2 volunteers and I can not cope with that group, it's not safe nor fair to the children. Secondly it's now been forced onto me that I'm going to take my neice out on Wednesday, which is great, cept that I've got a team meeting and of course a child in the afternoon. I'm in the difficult slot, that I don't often get the chance to do a 1 to 1 with my neice any more, so I'm going to have to take it, but then I've got to consider work as well.

Still I remain positive, I've got to, things are going well right now for me and I'm really looking forward to the week, even if I have got my appraisal on Thursday afternoon. I know my line manager will condem me, but I don't really care, in a way I hope it is bad, as I can only improve, but then if it's very good then it's gives me lots to live up to over the next year or so.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Comments Please

Well I've gone and done it as you can see, I've altered my blog page, it was my choice though I will accept that Peter, whom I know from Oilfans did help slightly. I choice another style, which while being clean and fresh in comparison to my previous style in his words it was too clinical. I found this style and wish for further comments please. I could always revert back to the previous style now, as I've found links in here and where I could post them in the original style. I'm open to any further comments please from the regular readers. Loxy, I've found how to link to your blog from here, so I can at least recipricate the link from your page here.

Ok, let's get onto the past few days. It's been heavy going in that on Thursday I started out at 9.30, going into work for some training on Autism. I found that to be really useful, in that although I knew most of what was said, the languaged used was much more clearer. By that I mean the language that was used, helped make sense of some of the stuff that I knew, and it does make it easier to understand. That helped in the afternoon, when I had my first child who was autistic, some of the actions he was taking could be clearly defined and though I must say watching the same 20 second section of Harry Potter at least 30 or 40 times was boring, it was really good to watch this behaviour link in with the training.

After I'd taken my first child home I had a second autistic child of the day, from 6pm while 8pm. Yes, near enough 12 hours worth or work, by the time I'd finished with him, but that wasn't the end of the day. This two hour session provided further evidence that although I knew what I was talking about with autism previously the terminology wasn't clear to others, and with the training it has helped so much. By the time I had taken him home and returned to work, to help take a couple of children home from a group, I was really pleased with myself. I had sorted out in my head the two children that I had, even more clearly than previously.

On finishing on Thursday at 9pm, I'd managed to work around 11 straight hours, which will go down on my sheet. I'm not counting the fact that I was in work for 30 minutes in the morning prior to training as I got very little work done. Still a long day by any stretch of the imagination, more so when I'm only contracted for 21 hours, I'd worked over half my weekly allowance on the one day. Ok, the last child I had was of course only on Thursday as I'd had to cancel him on the Monday, but it still added to the whole day.

I was very tired and hungry when I picked mum up from bingo, but after having an omlette, I came home sorted a few bits out and went to bed, at around 11pm... I set the alarm for 4.50am, as I was going out in the morning to Cardiff.

As seems to be the norm with me right now, if I set my alarm I wake up before it. I was awake at around 4am, but stayed in bed till around 4.30. I got up and made myself some breakfast, whilst looking at the normal websites that I look at. Hey, most of them are now in the links section!!. Anyway after getting washed and ready it was coming up to 5.45am, which meant I had to get going to the train station. I was going to get to Birmingham for 8.20 as that was the time a colleagues flight was getting into the airport there from Belfast, and the person who was going to drive us down to Cardiff was picking her up. I got there dead on time.

The meeting was wonderful, a really good meeting in which we got lots of things decided and lots of movement on issues that have bogged us down of late. Now that they are behind us we can now move on and start to think of next year now. The training that I had organised went down really well, and most of the forum members were left open mouthed at one point or another by some of the information that they had received. That is what training is all about, learning something that you had no idea about. I was so glad it went down well, but the problem is now the next meeting is in Manchester and guess who will be helping to organise it! Yes, ME! How we are going improve on the model that has been posted in the past couple of meetings I don't know.

On to yesterday and whilst I wanted to do lots of things my body wouldn't allow it. I had been out for up to 18 hours on Friday, with very little sleep between Thursday and Friday. Again my sleep pattern wasn't good on Friday/Saturday, so most of the day was spent trying to recharge drained batteries. I have done that to a point, but saying that this morning I slept in till around 7.30am, which is very late by my own standard, so I needed it of course.

Special mention goes to Lisa today, she's running in the Reading Half Marathon. I thought this was last week, but it wasn't it's this week, so hopefully she produces the best run of her life and she really enjoys it. I only wish my knees would allow me to run, as I'd join her in this. Still I'll find something else to do, which will help me improve my fitness and reduce some of my weight.


If this site seems to change over the next couple of weeks or so, it's because I'm wanting to see how it looks with different things. The style it's been over the past year or two has been nice, but only so much can be done by varying the colours and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to use only half the colours available. I want an open canvas.

The only problem is that I may have to lose some customisations.. For those with greater knowledge than myself, would that I guess mean losing my hits counter?? That's about the only thing that I want to keep the quiz can go. Maybe then I could be able to find out how to add a links list to my site as well.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Long Week

It's been a very long week, and right now I'm glad it's over. I've worked quite hard considering it's been the first week back in 2 weeks. Though glad to be back, I would have wished for an easier ride than the one I got, but still that's the way it goes. Hard work doesn't kill you, but stress can. I'm learning to live with that.

I was in Cardiff yesterday for a forum meeting with work, and to say it was a real good day would be an understatement. I will write up a bit more, but having an almost 18 hour day yesterday and then an 11 hour day previously with only 3 or 4 hours sleep inbetween has made me very tired. Tomorrow is another day, and more rest.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Changing Winds

I don't know why, but things are changing again. Is it for the worse or the better? I don't really know, all I know is that I sense an impending change in forture or mood. Maybe it's my forthcoming appraiasal at work, to which I'm not looking forward too. Mind you I do get a chance to express my opinions of my manager who, may not be too suprised to read what I've got to say.

I do know that I will probably be hyper critical of myself, but hey who the hell cares? I obviously won't or else I wouldn't be write down what I will do.

Strange thing, I've just wrote the above and got a strange sensation of deja vu, which isn't something I get often, but wow that was strong. Too strong it must mean something. I hate to think what, but this time next week, I'll be looking down the barrel of the apraisal and I'll probably be worried sick. Then come next Thursday night, I'll more than likely have a bottle of wine, be getting very drunk and then start the search for a new job. Not that I intend to leave this job, but I may not have any option.......

Monday, April 03, 2006

Grind Stone

Back to work today for the first time in over two weeks, and though it was quite eventful in many ways, it was if I'd never been gone in others. I guess being stuck in traffic with a autistic child in the back of the car, kicking off isn't exactly the kind of thing you'd want on the first day back, but hey I'm used to it. I'm just glad the passenger seat was in front of him and not mine, or I'd have a real sore back right now.

It took me over two hours to take him to respite, where as it's normally little over 50 minutes, so I had to contact the parents of the child I was due to work with and say I wouldn't make today. I'll have to rearange that for either Wednesday or Thursday. You see just another "normal" day at work!!!!!!

It did give me time to get to my mum's and see my neice. It was real fun having her around today as I wasn't in the greatest of moods due to the nature of the day at work, but hey she really cheered me up. Apart from being easy prey to wind up and also to engage with in terms of making things fun, she came out with a good one today for which I couldn't do anything but laugh about. Whilst watching Takeshi's Castle or MXC to our North American friends, she turned around to my mum and told her that the bubbles in the water were due to the contestents farting in there. My mum got very annoyed at her, but all I could do was laugh. She didn't know my mum finds the word "fart" offensive. Come on kids of all ages use that word.

Apart from that things have been quite dull to be honest.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Imploding Room

Is it madness or is it me? Is it loneliness or is it me? Am I blind to something? Am I missing something? I really don't know....

Tonight has been a really personal night in so many ways. I've had to sit down and explore myself, forced upon myself, and though glad I find myself now, having tried to go to bed awake and writing down the many trains of thoughts that I've had in the past hour or so. I'm perfectly clear that I'm awake, I put my head on the pillow and woke up.

I live in a bedsit, 4 walls and that's it. Only 4 walls in my house, and so no matter what I do, I'm faced with the fame 4 walls all the time. I know I spend time out of here at work or my mum's, but that's not the the point. This place as I have said before is probably no bigger than your average prison cell. I shut the door to my room when I get in and that's it. I'm cut off from the rest of my life, I don't have phone calls, I don't get people coming around, the only contact with the outside world is online. It helps take away the boredom, but at times the lack of personal interaction kills me.

Tonight is a good example, I've expressed the desire to be able to open up to someone, and yet who is available? No one online as that is so different to what I require right now. At this time of night it's impossible to find anyone whom I could talk to, to be awake and willing to chat. The darkness is strangling me further right now. It's time like this that I hate myself, I'm so shy, so introverted, so alone that no matter when I feel like this, I despair at the lack of company. It's probably around this time last year when I last had company in the flat, apart from the odd occasion when someone has brought something into the flat for me, but that's not company, that's someone being helpful.

You know it really kills me not to have anyone. I could call Lisa, during the early evenings, but that isn't fair on her or Wayne, as they often spend the day apart with work, and thus the evening is there time to be together. Also it's unfair to use Lisa all the time, but apart from her there is no one. I often think I'm a bad person, but am I really that bad? Well I don't smoke, never have, drink, but nothing like what I could do and in general I'm a ok person or so I think. I was told the other week that some people think that I'm a bit childlike in my behaviour. Well to counter that, I like to feel younger than I am, but not child like, and if the person who made those remarks ever has the courage to say it too my face, then I'll tell her exactly how I feel to that accusation.

The problem doesn't just lie with others, if I go out, I feel so self conscious that it often ruins the night for me, and I go off into a little sulk, which effects others. Ok that can put people off inviting me out, but it's not all the time and often only when people say things that they shouldn't do within my ear shot. I am very fragile and yet people seem to think that I've got the skin of a Rhino for some reason. Well I haven't and Wednesday was a good example of that. I can only take so much before things hurt me, and hurt me badly. Yet is that an excuse for no one to at least occasionally contact me via the phone rather than email? NO, I don't think so! You see that's the way it is for me, no one really cares, the only person that phones me tends to be my mum, and that's not a regular thing. I can pick my phone up now, and tell you when the last time someone called me. It was Tuesday afternoon, and that was my mum phoning to see if I was on my way to pick her up from bingo, the last social call that I had was March 2nd, nearly a month ago.

Is it me? Do I expect too much from people? I really don't know, but one thing is for sure, no one really bothers me. This is me, but I put a lot into the friendships I have, and I would do anything for my friends (we all know that Lisa is my only real friend in my eyes, others are more mates, it's something I've said here before). I'd do anything for them, for example next weekend I'm going to be driving around 80 miles just so one of my mates can have a pizza. I know it's crazy, but it's something I'd do for any of them. If Lisa rang me tomorrow and asked me to go down for a chat over something I'd drop everything and go. The thing is, maybe I try too hard and expect others to be prepared to do the same for myself. I know that in years gone past I've asked a lot out of my friends, but I've put back what I've taken. I just wish that occasionally someone would call me for a chat, or even pop around to see me. I don't get that, and you know what I hate myself for it. Every now and again a little human interaction would be nice, instead all I get is the four walls. It isn't fair.