Lies and Shit

If you've been reading this blog over the past few days it is obvious that this hasn't been the best of weeks for myself, and today has been no different, I've tried to be positive but hell it's incredibly difficult when people who you trust lie to you, people who you know acknowledged things and then reject them.

This not only hurts me, it angers me and it quite frankly frustrates me to death, I have some principals and for others not to at least honour the basics is incredible. I quite frankly feel like shit, I feel like I've been tossed out and left to dry and for what? I don't know what the hell I did to deserve the treatment that I've had. What right have people got of treating others like I have been treated.

I feel cheated, and quite frankly horrified that some people feel that they can get away with this in this day and age. I just wish that others could see what they have done and deal with them accordingly. I'm possibly going through one of the most arduous weeks of my life and all I get is crap still, even when it's all over. Well those responsible can take a running jump if they feel I'm going to co-operate with them from here on in. I don't give a shit, it's not like I've any sort of future any sort. I've had enough of it all, let them attempt anything and it will be pushed to the final limit, I don't care anymore.

Ying/Yang

I start this entry, staring out of my window, the curtains partially opened as I've yet to have a wash or get dressed. I have enough light streaming through to provide the room with light to work in, whilst maintaining my privacy. The rain is visible, and the sky is granite grey. I've got Alanis Morissette playing on the pc (random play), and I'm contemplating what's next.

I'm desperate to be positive, I'm willing it upon me, but as much as I try it's not happening. I said yesterday that the fire was under control and it very much is, but as I explore what began that fire, and how I need to control it, I'm at a loss. I can live with the fire under control, whilst not being happy, I can't say that I'm depressed but for how long I can say that I don't know.

At the start of this entry I set the scene as to what I was doing and what I could see, and I guess it says slightly more than I actually realised. The skies are grey, and what is grey? A mix of black and white, and to bring that analogy to life, black could be the fire/the bad/the depression that I've spoke about in recent days, whilst white would of course be the water/the good/happy times. Mix good with bad, fire and water, depression and happy and the hybrid form is strange. I feel like that, a strange mix of being happy, whilst sad at the same time. I said either here or else where that I feel like a shell of a person, and that's probably what I'm trying to describe with this article.

Looking back at similar times for me, doesn't always help, I try to replicate how something cheered me up, and to be honest whilst trying to find that I end up perpetuating the situation. Replication isn't really the answer, something has to spring up and much as others might suggest other wise, but spontaneity is something I thrive on at times like this. Recently others have pointed out that this may not be the case and of course it's something for me to look at, as it may be true, but I do enjoy the freedom of reactionary situations rather than planning to the last detail.

Oh my, I guess I should stop here as I can sense this short period of self exploration is going to send me down an avenue that I don't wish to go down today. One that I've done many times before. I leave, with Ajani Thomas singing sweetly in the background, soothing the mood. I'll leave with that and come back again later or tomorrow to muse over the latest situation and thoughts.

Fires

It's Wednesday morning and I'm feeling a bit, "well what's next?" I'm feeling slightly better today, having spoken to a couple of people yesterday I felt like I was connected with the world again, it wasn't exactly enough, but it does make me realise that I am still alive and of course that makes me feel a fraction more positive about myself.

This morning has seen something good anyway, in that I've ordered a ticket to go and see Skunk Anansie in November of this year. Add to that the Eddie Izzard tickets for November, I'm looking forward to what is normally a dull and at times arduous month for me. I have seen Skunk before way back in the mid 90's over in Sheffield and I loved them, they disbanded a good few years back and now back together, it's going to be great to see them again. The concert in Sheffield is one of my favourite non James/Queen concerts that I have ever been too. The fact that I only realised they were back together yesterday has been the beacon of light to which I'm looking to for this week.

Of course now this is sorted, I can now look towards the weekend and getting my mobility back, before this time next week, when all eyes turn to Rome. Whilst United equalling the record of 18 league titles is special, it was the lead up and day of victory which was special, since Sunday it's been well let's look forward and not backwards. So I've not allowed myself to enjoy that that much and been muted by my own standards in terms of celebration, next week I may not be able to contain my joy if United win in Rome. My love for United is one of the constants in my life, one that has never altered and quite possibly grown stronger over the past year or two.

This is a very timid post in comparrison to the previous entries in here, maybe because I'm a bit calmer, maybe I have blown myself out with the anger and frustration, but the rancor still burns inside of me, it's more like the past couple or days have been an explosion and now the fire burns inside, whilst on the outside the fire brigade are starting to dampen the building. However much that is dampened it doesn't mean that I'm over the worse of things, far from it. Now is when the building I live in starts to crumble under the heat of the fire and whilst I'm fighting the battle to not to collapse unless the fire is exstinguished soon, the building will fall.

What can I do to prevent the building falling, well to have started to put the fire out so quickly is a help, I can now start to examine where to put the water to stabalise the building quickly and stop the fire. That's never been easy, but it has become easier with more and more fires that I've had to deal with. So with a little patience I should be and could be ok sooner rather than later.

Don't Forget

I should point out that my MYSPACE blog is still around, and I will be making an entry into there shortly. It is often quite different to this blog, so I'm going to leave here now and go and record an entry there.....

Find the link on the right hand side of this page.