Friday, June 29, 2012

Luck! I never have any.

You know when I talk of luck in here I've had none, things have gone wrong and it's normally the end of the world.  Well they have, but it isn't....

Let me explain, it's been a few days since I last wrote, and so those that read the last post will know I was without hot water from Wednesday of last week.  Monday of this week I heard the handy man in the house and mentioned to him about the water heater so he came in and looked and tried to fix it, but had no idea as to what was wrong and said he'd replace it, but it would more than likely be "next week" when it gets here.  I wasn't happy at being without hot water for another week or so, but at least I knew where I was up to and I was coping with boiling the kettle and a pan on the cooker.  However, the plumber then came in to check the gas...  He checked the meter that was fine, checked the fire and that was fine.  He got to the cooker and told me it was leaking!!  It was only small, but it was enough to condem the cooker.  The handy man did say he'd speak to the landlord, but I was looking at Wednesday before a new one could arrive.  It was a great start to the week, no hot water, no cooker...

Wednesday arrived, and after having salad 3 times, cous cous (which I'll probably never try again), I was happily looking forward to the a hot meal.  I'd inadvertantly had salad on Sunday night...  So I waited for the handy man to arrive knowing that I'd also have the electrician around to do the testing on all electical equiptment in the flat for safety purposes.  When the handy man arrived he brought with him my new water heater, which was not "next week", but 2 days away.  He put that into place and waited for the electrican to make his way up to my room after he'd been in other flats to test them.  He came in wired up the heater and we switched on....  Nothing, nothing happened, it ithe water didn't get hot.  We knew we had power going to it, but we had nothing so it took another 10 or 15 minutes to solve the problem, and so at last I had hot water.  He looked at my fridge and shook his head, and said he's going to fail it, whilst it was working, the door was starting to rust, well more than starting.  Which he said wasn't allowed, but for the time being I could still use it.  Whilst writing his report up, another guy came with a lovely cooker.  The handy man looked at it, and it was fine, till he realised that it was for a flat in next door and not for me...  I'd have to wait further for a new cooker.....  

Nothing was going my way, so I was hoping that Thursday would be different that he (the handy man) would come early with a new cooker for me, so I could have some lunch.  I knew I shouldn't have built my hopes up, it was just after 3pm, when he arrived.  The cooker came up, and my old one removed.  I also had a new fridge, but I couldn't use it till today (Friday).  That didn't matter I was going out on Thursday night anyway, so I wouldn't be really worring about space in the flat.  So once home I had a nice hot meal for the first time in nearly a week.  All was going well.

This morning arrived, and I got up thinking I'd have a proper breakfast and get back into my old routine.  Kettle boiled, the cup of tea made.  I left it to brew, went to get the milk out of the old fridge, the final time before switching everything around, and what do I find??  The milk had gone off!!!  I'm telling you one and all this week I've been cursed and I don't for the life of me know why.  I don't know what I've done or anything.  However, for once, when everything is going wrong around me, I've not go upset, I've not got depressed or stressed about it, I've smiled and got on with things.  When I consider less than 3 weeks ago I was breaking down over comments made by a guy in a take-away, and shutting myself away for a week from the world, I'm stunned by the way I've handled this week.  This should be the norm, I know it isn't, but it should be.  So yeah, I'm in a happy place, I've got a new water heater, which is spookily silent, for the first time in 9 years I don't have to listen to it heating up, a new cooker, and a new fridge which is going to take some getting used to.  Add to that I've been told that I'm having the flat decorated and done up in the middle of July.  This place will feel brand new all over again. 

Friday, June 22, 2012


A lighter, more relaxed mood has befallen me of late, I'm calming down after the break down of a week or so.  I can't quite grasp the sheer depth to which I fell, but who cares now, I'm floating along on the calm waters of life.  I use that analogy today as the weather is dreadful, it's shocking, it's not stopped raining since around 6 or 7pm last night.  It has been cascading down, with 28 flood alerts in the North West region due to what we are told could be up to 4mm of rain over the next 2 days.  However, I managed to get to the shops and come home bone dry this afternoon, how I didn't it I don't know but I did.  

Whilst not reclusing as I did this time last week, I've kept myself to myself very much this week and it's been to my advantage I guess, just trundling along and keeping myself busy till now. I say now, as I'm frieghtfully bored today, and it's dragging on and on.  

My water heater has blown again, so I've got no hot water again, which isn't good.  It went last November/December if I recall and ended up with a new heater, but that has seemingly gone.  Though I think I've also got a leak in the pipes that flow into it, as my carpet was soaked the other day.  I'm not sure if that is connected, but it isn't making things easier for me.  I can and have been coping with like I did previously.  I've made my complaint, and will have to see how long it takes to get picked up.  

This is going to be short, as since starting to write I want to sleep, so perhaps more later.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Short but sweet and sour.

I had intended to write yesterday, but it didn't happen obviously.  I don't know what I would have written, but who cares?  I spent the day being pestered by one person with text messages, which I didn't reply to, and my neice and I had a long text chat as well, which was lovely.  

I'm feeling better thanks, I know what the issue is and whilst things aren't perfect (they never are, for anyone), I'm back in the living, back ready to face the world next week.  I'm going to have to zip to the shops soon, so this isn't going to be a long post.  Then it's back home.  I'm sort of debating if I should go all retro and find something from the 1970's or 80's to watch later, if anyone has a suggestion that would be fun.  However, I'll see how it goes.  

Yesterday I spent chatting as I said and then watched the "Goal" trilogy of films.  I wish I hadn't in many respects they weren't that good, but having started to watch one once, but failed to see it through, and the second one being shown on tv, I felt it time to watch all 3 in one go.  Others are finer critics than I, but the first one was reasonable if not predictable, the second I could just about grasp hold of, the third.....  Well straight to DVD and hardly any links to the previous 2 films says it all really.  I don't think I'd watch them again, nor would I really recommend them to anyone unless you enjoy football, and even then it's a hard sell.  Still it killed off Saturday night, and so it's now Sunday and a new week.  

Friday, June 15, 2012

Lost in a Roman...wilderness of pain

 I sit and write once more, with a head that is clearing, with a mood that is starting to be bright once more.  I have some way to recover, I now have a clearer view of what caused my manic drop in mood and slide to the darker side of myself.  I have mentioned them over the course of the last few days, though I suspect that the one thing I didn't mention that took place, added to the situation, or indeed was the spark of it all.  That remains a secret from here, however I will be more careful in the future.  

Over the past 24 hours I have withdrawn from society I took 24 hours of solitude to search what was going on, to talk about it in here, and to figure out in my own mind what was going on, and why I'd dropped as I had.  This isn't me in depression, I realise that, this was me having a very bad few days, I've not been "unhappy", or anything else of late, nothing to make me depressed, so why I fell like I did I don't know.  It isn't the first time of course, and days like that have often led to whole scale depression.  Instead of feeling bad, perhaps today I should be saying how happy I am, I spotted the symptoms and though I couldn't stop the fall into the hole I threw out so many safety nets to stop me hitting the true bottom that I managed to stop the decent.  

To continue the analogy I'm climbing back out of the hole, I'll be back to sanity by late tomorrow, early Sunday.  I can calculate that, which seems strange, but I know in myself that I feel some where near "normal" now, but obviously after such a crash I have to be careful, I've got to take my time, and give myself some space instead of dashing into situations which whilst being helpful, may also pull the safety nets away from me.  So care and caution is being taken.

What am I doing to help myself?  Well, I'm playing the longest, strangest song in my musical collection.  I say strangest, not that they lyrics or content are strange, but that this song can be two things to me.  If I'm down or falling down, this can send me spiralling down even quicker, and the morbid story can cause so many emotions that it's painful.  However, it can in times like now become a song to cheer me up, I don't know why it does this in reverse, but I find it to be a beautiful song when climbing out of the dark hole that I fall into.  I think the story, twists round from being morbid to being a rallying call for me.  The many times I've had this song on repeat, for days on end, let alone hours is many.  It used to scare people to hear this coming from my room, more so when I was at Uni, as they knew that it wasn't always a positive song for me.  I used to get quite a few people knocking on my door to check I was OK.  However on other occasions I've had really odd experiences, in fact one time I'm sure I had a near out of body experience listening to it, I certainly could see myself lying on the bed, with this constantly playing in the background.  I know I wasn't sleeping, and hadn't taken anything, it was quite surreal.  The only other time I'd felt like that was on morphine after I'd had knee surgery.  

So I thank you Jim Morrison, and The Doors for writing such a wonderful song as "The End".  I'm sure I've put the lyrics in here before now, but they go up again today so you can all see them once more. 

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again
Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand
In a...desperate land
Lost in a Roman...wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane
All the children are insane
Waiting for the summer rain, yeah
There's danger on the edge of town
Ride the King's highway, baby
Weird scenes inside the gold mine
Ride the highway west, baby
Ride the snake, ride the snake
To the lake, the ancient lake, baby
The snake is long, seven miles
Ride the snake...he's old, and his skin is cold
The west is the best
The west is the best
Get here, and we'll do the rest
The blue bus is callin' us
The blue bus is callin' us
Driver, where you taken' us
The killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on
He took a face from the ancient gallery
And he walked on down the hall
He went into the room where his sister lived, and...then he
Paid a visit to his brother, and then he
He walked on down the hall, and
And he came to a door...and he looked inside
Father, yes son, I want to kill you
Mother...I want to...WAAAAAA
C'mon baby,--------- No "take a chance with us"
C'mon baby, take a chance with us
C'mon baby, take a chance with us
And meet me at the back of the blue bus
Doin' a blue rock
On a blue bus
Doin' a blue rock
C'mon, yeah
Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill
This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
It hurts to set you free
But you'll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we tried to die
This is the end

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Trusting myself to trust

I've pondered long and hard over the last 3 hours or so, what I should do, whilst trying to escape from the gloom that is casting a long dark shadow over me.  I've watched some tv shows and tried to do some other stuff, but I can't say that I'm making waves to clearing my mind and making myself better as such.  

The complete and stupid thing is that the one thing I feel I need to do, is withdraw from everything, not to post in twitter or facebook, not to post in forums, and try to stay dark.  I know I've posted comments in facebook, but nothing in terms of my state of being for sure.  I've not posted on twitter since last night, and no forum posts since near enough this time yesterday.  I know I'm writing here, but that's cathartic, it helps  as those who have been reading this blog for a while will know, it helps me to write about how I feel, hence the war and peace when I'm down and stupid silly posts when I'm not.  Though I have done good this past year or so, since I came back to writing in here, I've maintained a steady flow of posts in good and bad moods.

Even withdrawing from the seeing/speaking to anyone is currently helping.  I know yesterday was a dreadful day, but I also knew I had to go to the shops and pick something up for my tea.  I got to Morrisons and went looking, and couldn't find a thing, all the discounted stuff had gone, and I didn't fancy pies or pasties.  So I was struggling, even the cold meets were being taken off the display.  I walked from one end of the shop and back about 5 times trying to figure out what to buy, and every time I got nothing, and every time I got increasingly frustrated, and that on top of  of the already bubbling frustration within me was too much.  I broke down in Morrison's for I think would be the second or third time.  I should know to avoid trying to make decisions when I'm in that sort of mood, but it was clear I was struggling.  So I just purchased a french stick and left and thought I'll go to Aldi instead...  Yes, that's right leave one supermarket and go to another.  It was then I realised that it would be closing in 15 minutes, luckily it was only 2 or 3 minutes walk away, and I had a plan for a pizza from the freezer.  However that eventually changed, and I picked up enough stuff to last me the week, but that's beside the point, I had a time limit and so I had no time to choose or get upset.  

So today has been spent doing nothing not speaking, not going out and trying to keep me away from getting down, I guess writing is helping me, but I'm struggling as one of the things that I mentioned in the previous post was communication, and how important it is to me.  I don't want to break my own action plan, but I am finding it hard not to do so.  Also what's interesting, is the family situation.

Yesterday I texted my niece, it was unfair of me to send the text I did, but I sent it none the less, as I hate to bring her into the situation with my mum and sister.  However the increasing silence makes it all the worse. The last time I spoke to my mum or should I say discussed everything, I pointed out it would be nice of her to phone me occasionally, or as much as she does my sister, as that's something she never did, and still doesn't.  The only time she'd ring me is if she wanted something of me.  Which used to be picking up from Bingo, or going around and resetting her tv or video up.  She'd never ask my sister to do these, and she'd make excuses up for my sister.  However, for what ever reason she'd phone my sister.  I don't hear from her now, in fact were I to die in the next hour or 12, no one would probably notice for like days or weeks.  It's that sort of situation, and certainly neither my mother or sister would raise the alarm as they wouldn't ring me or anything.  

Now part of the reason for texting my niece was to sort of kick my mother into action, but hey ho, nothing has happened yet and if she's had the message she's not responding to it, to ask me what they hell I was playing at to involve my niece.  So it doesn't look like she cares at all.  It doesn't shock me, it doesn't suprise me, but it hurts like hell.  As I said in the previous post and in other posts, why does it seem most people have it better than I do?  Why is it, that they get all the luck in that respect.  I've done all I can for my family and yet it's always been thrown back in my face.  I mean I have never been in well paid jobs, as I keep saying and yet why when my mum has a blue badge, and was her main transport, was my sister getting the free car tax??  When I challenged my mum she didn't want to cause a problem and tell my sister she was swapping it over to me.  That's the sort of thing a parent should do... Not mine.  

Yes, I'm wound up, I'm angry, I'm frustrated and miserable.  I should try and go out and be socialable as I had every intention this weekend, but I see no point.  I'll end up hurting myself, first of all on a personal level, and potentially a wider scale, and while I doubt that would happen (I'm sort of beliving in trusting people), it has happened often before so I kind of don't know if I trust myself to trust. 

Round and Round the garden

I arrive at this post, slightly apprehensive, slightly nervous in terms of where I'm going to go with this.  I had a really bad day yesterday, and an equally bad night, I dare not say I'm OK, happy and full of the joys of summer, as clearly I am not.  

What caused the melt down?  No stop that, that suggests I'm OK and I am not, what has caused this melt down should be the right phrase?  Can I pinpoint it?  No, I can point to events on Monday after swimming and on my way home, but thta was one little incident which OK it hurt like hell, and I've referenced that in previous posts, but it shouldn't have caused me to spiral out of control into the pit of darkness I am in.  No way, something has to be behind this, I'm not that fragile, I've never been that fragile.  Is it he family situation?  I don't think so, I've come to accept my fate with that, and even though I have tried of late to arrange a meet with my niece which hasn't been a success that alone shouldn't have been the issue.  

So where in the depths of hell has this come from?  I've got to look at where the frustration has built up, or why it's been built up?  What are the frustrations which I voiced so much yesterday, are the the truth behind all of this or is something else deeper rooted that has been triggered and I'm using the points I made yesterday as an excuse??  

Agenda point 1, the social groups that I've joined.  Do I enjoy them?  I enjoy the social aspect of them, I need to be social, or at least to be out of my flat, that is a historical and well documented situation.  These four walls, so small and constrictive, are my prison as I stated yesterday. The lack of friends at close hand, to allow me to pop round to chat, or even the odd phone call makes what should be my flat into a hell hole.  I'm so isolated, that going out is good for me.  Yet is that another issue to explore?  It is indeed, I'll probably come back to this later on in this summary, I need to think about something whilst typing which isn't good as my natural free flow style is stunted and this place doesn't work when I'm constructing the post in advance.  Yes, so I do enjoy going out, I do enjoy being social, but did I join these groups to become a part of organisation or for the social aspect?  Clearly it was the social aspect, but for some reason I've beome part of the organisation.  Why have I allowed that to happen?  Why when I didn't want that to happen have I allowed myself to enter into that situation?  

This is something I need to look at why I didn't want to be involved in the organisations, it could be something about that which is a new issue for me to go away and look at.  What's the issue? Well in times gone by and I guess in the period where I would say I was a bit more extrovert and outgoing, I would possibly look more to being involved in the organisation, I'd be willing to take a posts and join committee's.  In fact I did, and I liked that, but what made it such an appeal then?  Was it the want to be seen, that part of me that wanted to be the centre of attention, that wanted to be seen?  Yet that doesn't equate to the other side of me at that point who didn't want the attention, who wanted to be on the edges as I didn't feel comfortable with being in the middle.  So I'm going to discount that theory for now, and maybe consider if it was the natural part of me that wanted to help.  I think it was you know, I'm a natural helper, I want to help everyone and everything, be it an individual or an organisation, I'm more than willing.  I think that perhaps may be why when I was at work I'd happily do so much cover work/over time.  

That's something that I hadn't considered before, but it links in with the loneliness and the hatred of being alone in my flat all the time.  By being so naturally helpful, I'd be happy to help out others, knowing in it's own way it would be killing time away from my own hell, which would in an odd fashion be helping myself.  However that wasn't or didn't prove to be totally helpful to me did it?  Not that I'm going to grumble and not that I wouldn't do it again, but looking back the amount of times I said yes as opposed to no is huge, and the tanglable hurt that I felt saying no is now understandable, as it was going against my natural being.

Bringing this back to task, why the change?  I recall discussing this last week with a friend, and I know that the only reason I discussed it with her, was that I'd written something in here about how I've gone from outgoing almost extrovert to a shy introvert.  On how I'm not sure which is the real me, and why I've gone from one to the other.  It would be interesting to see how people who meet me now see me, as opposed to those that knew me in the past, and what they say.  If those in the past can see the change I can, or if they just think that with age I've "clamed" down or got a bit quieter, or if those in the present see me now, as I do.  What ever that would bring I don't know, but in terms of joining groups for the social aspect, I think I just wanted the communication, to speak to people, the internet is great from meeting people and talking via the net is wonderful, but it's not the same as face to face interaction, you don't get the humour, the emotions, you can't put any inflections on the words typed.  It was that and being out of my flat that drove me I guess.  As I am more introverted, and not wanting to be at the centre of attention as I used to be, not that I ever really enjoyed that, I just wanted to be take part, rather than be part of.  However, on both occasions in the groups I'm talking about I instantly reallsed that I was unique, that I was alone.  

Yesterday I spoke of filling in spaces or something akin to filling in blanks/gaps in the groups remit.  It was that realisation that as soon as I spoke, or suggested anything remotely along the lines of those missing parts, I'd be taken on board.  Then the natural desire to help out kicks in, and I sort of accepted the request I guess to help them out.  So why couldn't I say no?  I could in the past and though it hurt me to do so, I did it. It's taken me all of 30 or 40 seconds to realise why I couldn't say no, and that was because it meant more meetings, more being out of my flat and thus more socialising.  So the loop is complete the thing that I wanted has driven me into the thing that I didn't want.  and thus it becomes a vicious circle.  That's a bit scary, and also an issue that needs looking at.  Why I'm prepared to push myself into difficult positions just for the social aspect of it all.  So what can I do?  Do I resign/leave the groups?  It would curtail some of my social life, and am I prepared to sacrife that?  The question shouldn't be that, it's am I enjoying the groups?  Well, not right now, they seem to be drifting into area's where I didn't want them to go, and I'm helpless to stop them.  I perhaps answered myself on this question when discussing it with someone else yesterday.  I'm sort of feeling isolated within the groups, I'm on my own, I can't discuss anything with the others as they've no grasp of where I'm at.  Haven't I just been here though, that's the reason why I felt obliged to help in the first place.  So another circle is formed, and unless I can break it, I'm going to be stuck in them.  

Agenda point 2, Me, I mentioned the incident after swimming, both today and yesterday.  I think it knocked me some what due to the intent more than anything else.  I normally brush off those sort of comments, so why on Monday?  I don't know why to be honest.  Maybe, and just maybe because of the fact I'd been swimming.  I don't know, however during the swim, I went to the toilet, and whilst getting ready to go back in the water, in the toilets I noticed myself in the mirror.  I winced, as I felt I looked awful, and fat.  I normally don't think that, but this time I did, so some where inside me, I had issues over my appearance.  I know how I look, I know that it can be said I don't try, but I do, but I'm so conscious about certain things, and yes that goes back to cost, and even when working I realistically couldn't afford that anyway.  That it's almost pointless to try harder.  Yet, even when I have, no one has ever said don't do this, do that, this looks good this doesn't.  Everyone else seemingly looks great, they'll have issues, but those I see on a regular basis look great and have no issues, or none that I can see.  That is probably why I really torture myself on how I look.  Yet, I've been OK of late, I've not even thoguht about it, so why now?  Why am I really going nuts over it? When it hasn't been an issue of late.  That I can't tell you, it's hit me like a ton of bricks and that isn't nice, I just wish I could put my head in a brown paper bag and go out like that.  Life would be so much better living behind somethng like that, others wouldn't be able to pass comment or make judgements then.  

This links in with the social aspect of my issues, as the more I go out the more concious I am of myself and the desire to stay in and not do anything increases, thus I do that, I retreat from everything and hey I go stir crazy, end up with cabin fever and as we saw last March on the brink of contemplating suicide and self harm.  I don't wish to go down that road again, but I know that I will between now and the end of my life.  I keep saying that and yet I keep returning.  It isn't something that I'm proud of and it's something I wish I could stop, but I guess it's all part of me.  So how do I win? How do I go out, whilst not becoming wonderfully aware of how awful I look, how fat I am, how the lack of money restricts one's wardrobe?  and still enjoy one's self?  That's the billion dollar question that I guess I'm trying to answer, but I don't think I can.  I've tried groups where people should be understanding and they are, but then my own paranoia kicks in and drives me crazy, whilst going to other groups with less understanding, though with lots of understanding, has led me to the first issues.  What do I do?  I can't win?  I never win and that's not a nice feeling to think I'll never win.  It's like trying to climb to the top of Everest, whilst using a stair climbing machine, no matter how may stairs you climb you just don't move.  So what do I need to do?  Move forward?  

I'm not sure what to say really, my self esteem and confidence are never high, I don't think they ever have been, in the past or future.  There are some words, one ever hears, and occasionally I would like to hear them genuinely. No how to put it?  In the correct context, I can hear them in other context, but not quite in the way that I guess I want them.  You know I mentioned about being alone?  The isolation, well that's something that plays a part in all of this.  it's just so much of a killer, and it does interwine with it all.  Life is so dam complicated all the issues seemingly bleed into one.  I thought I'd solved my problems years ago, but instead life has opened up even more since and I have no skills to help me solve them.  I know I've said this before, but I had a definable excuse and reason for so long that perhaps I ignored all the other crap and whilst I'm getting better as I get older at dealing with these issues, when they hit it's like a steam train.  It's like being hit with issues as a teenager all over again, and having no idea how to deal with them.  I know it could be said that's a good analogy, but it's one I really hate, as I do think that I'm quite good at dealing with things, I have a whole range of coping mechanisms, so why do I always fail?  

This post is getting bigger and bigger, and I know I could go on, I guess that I should go back and explore the family situation, but if I start getting onto that, which I know I've messed up yesterday, as I'm not sure if I'll get a phone call or something later today.  It will be interesting to see if I do, if not then I do truely believe that I've been as good as excomunicated from my family.  Of course that would hurt and isn't what I want to find out in my current mood, but I have set this up and I've got to accept what my actions bring upon me. 

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Families are Shit

Writing earlier on this afternoon I spoke of how I felt, that is no different now, but I need to write I nned to do something other than the norm.  I don't think I expressed my concerns about the groups well enough.  It is only 2 of the groups that I feel really upset with a third one I'm very much doubting my own abilities to be a part of.  

The 2 groups with whom I'm upset are the latest ones I've joined and I want them to be a success, but so far neither have seemingly progressed or have they done anything to suggest that anything that I've said has been listened to.  I didn't join either of them to be end up help running the group, but on one I'm a committe member and another well it looks like I've got to take a role on, when he go for an EGM next month.  Even the person who is supposed to be supporting this group doesn't understand or listen to terminology they are informed of from me.  I just feel that it's pointless being part of said groups.  I don't see myself getting anything out of them positively, just stress and also being the lumbered with responsibilites for areas, because of who I am.  I know it's going to happen and no matter how much I plead for a push it isn't going to be the case.  

It really angers me, frustrates me that as much as I hang back and not volunteer for these things I have ended up in this position.  I end up feeling like I can't say no, as the situation is clear that they can not constitute calling themselves what they do, as they don't cover the whole spectrum.  In doing that I end up not walking away from it and look where that has gotten me.  

Add to that this sudden bout of self image problems.  I really hate some people, you make an effort, you do your best and they deliberately undermine you, they do it repeatedly knowing what they are doing and it hurts, and it hurts so muh, but you walk away, you leave it behind and put it behind you.  Then however, you see others, who don't have that problem, who have friends at hand, who don't live cocooned in there own flat, which is smaller than a prison cell.  It magnifies everything to me, and down in the middle of it all is the hatred of mefrom my mother and my sister that cuts me to the bone.  I can't do a thing about that, and no matter what I do or say to either of them, it will do no good.  I get the feeling that the only way around that would be to pay them money to like me, and even then it would have to be a hell of a lot of money to gain a crumb of respect.  That hurts, that has always hurt and it hasn't helped me either, and it's left me in the horrible place I exist in today.  I blame myself yes, I can't blame them, as it's me that see's, it's me that breathes and it's me that does everything for me, but if I could have been afforded something from them, then it would have been nice you know, but no they ignore me and wish I wasn't around.   

No wonder then that I have these issues, these spells of complete and utter hatred for myself and life.  I don't know where to go. I know what I would want, but I know what I need, but it ain't going to happen and god I hate this.


It's the middle of June, out of my window I see nothing but green trees and grey clouds, and that sort of sums up where I am in terms of my mood right now.  I'm having one of my days, where I want to be where I'm not, doing what I can't (or what I'm not rather than can't), being me.  Yet, I'm sort of happy, with everything, so whilst the grey clouds mingle around inside my head, the tree's are what they should be green and joyous.

So what is it today?  I guess that I'm feeling frustrated, that things are as they are, that things have turned out the way they have and that in the midst of all the effort one puts in, I do put effort in, everyone else, everything else benefits and I find myself rooted to the spot.  It's the same old situation that's got me asking myself why do I bother and if I just shouldn't pull away.  However, pulling away wouldn't help, it would make things worse.

Why would it make it worse?  Were I to pull away and retreat into another self imposed exile from all groups as such, my social life would be zero, I'd be stuck in my flat, doing nothing and thinking of nothing most of the time.  The last time that happened, or should I say the last time I let myself get that bad, ended up in some of the most painful posts in this blog, I ended up so depressed that the light went out, it nearly went out for good as well.  and that scares me a little.  However, with the way things are going in one or two groups, and I don't wish to name them, I just feel like I'm a token, and that whilst I want to be there, I'm not contributing nor am I being listened to.  That infuriates me, it angers me, and frustrates me.  Though it pushes me to try harder to be heard, and to learn, it doesn't seem to help one bit and I drift into a position where I can't see the point as to why I attend the groups and what I add to them.

Add to this, a bout of self loathing, self pity and general dislike of all things physical about myself, and it's not a great position.  I'm feeling fat, I see fat when I look in mirrors.  I see ugly and no, no one can say it's not so.  I just look and feel like crap.  To hark back to the sporting theme of yesterday, and for the sport lovers who read this, you'll understand this statement, I know that I'd push Iain Dowie and Peter Beardsley into second and third place in any looks competition.  It may sound funny, it may be something I say alot about myself, but it doesn't mean that I don't get upset by it.  

No matter what I do or try to do, nothing will change, nothing is going to change.  These small four walls which I hate, which are my prison will probably be my home from now till when ever, I'll be locked away growing old on my own, feeling ever more sorry for myself and living a desondent life.  I feel, look and am shit, it's how I am, and no matter how much anyone will try to say otherwise it ain't going to help.  There is no one around to give me a hug when I need one, there is no one around to say anything encouraging.  All I've got are the four walls, a computer that's in need of replacing, no money to do so and no hope of finding a job to save up to do so.  I'm not sure why it is then that I want to carry on, or why I do carry on.  All my efforts seem to gain rewards for others or others take the rewards from me, but I continue to allow everyone trample over me as if I enjoy it.  I guess that's the way I've become, but I hate it.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Sporty Blog.

Here we are once more, talking about yet more sport, but it does play a huge part of my life and always has, so it's no shock to see me discussing it. Today I'll address the two big loves, hockey and football.  

Now let's begin with hockey, congratulations go to the LA Kings, for winning the Stanley Cup for the first time in it's 45 year history.  That's a long wait for any club, in any sport to win a cup.. Now I do struggle with them as a club as such, not because of who they are, in fact out of all the Southern Californian clubs I'm happiest to see them win it.  The newer upstart franchises have been able to throw money or have got very lucky previously.  However that's another debate.  No, I struggle with them because of THE trade, as it's known.  Any club taking the best player ever away from MY team will always reside in a dark place within me.  When they traded for Wayne Gretzky back in 88, they took the jewel in the crown of the NHL and took him to a market not known for it's hockey, and whilst that trade almost single handidly built hockey in the sun belt of America, it left a big, big hole in Canadian hockey.  So I dislike the Kings, it's not as if they are a rival to the Oilers, no the biggest and closest rivals are Calgary and Vancouver, to whom in football would equate to being what City and Liverpool are to United.  So that would make LA to me anyway say the equivilent of say a Bolton perhaps.

That brings the hockey season for this year to an almost end, we have the draft to go next a week or so time.  The Oilers yet again have first pick, though they have to choose a new coach soon.  I'm not so sure who it will be.  I've heard rumours and seen the names Brent Sutter and Jon Cooper discussed as possible choices.  Well Sutter last coached Team Canada in the World Championships, to no real distinction, and prior to that had coached the Calgary Flames.  There you see the name Calgary again...  I know his reputation is OK, and he's not a bad coach, but his connections with our local rivals really should count against him in the running for this post.  Jon Cooper has just taken his AHL team to it's championship, including a run of 43 wins in the last 46 matches.  However, he's not coached at the top level and would be a gamble.  That maybe why the Oilers re-employed one of it's former coaches as vice president of hockey operations Craig MacTavish yesterday.  I'm certainly no fan of his in terms of coaching, though he did take us to game 7 of the Stanley Cup in 06, his subsequent and preceeding performances around that year was abject to poor.  As a club we are now only just recovering from his time behind the bench.  Yet, I suspect he may have been brought in to assist in some capacity a new rookie coach.  

If it is a rookie coach which fits the billing for Cooper, that would also bring into contention Todd Nelson the coach of the Oilers farm team, and he himself performed wonders at the back end of the season.  They just ran out of gas in the AHL conference finals.  It's hardly a suprise that this happened. Taking into account all the call ups to the big club through injuries etc. it's taken it's toll on those who had to cover as well as the extra travel that half the players had to make.  Promoting Nelson, like appointing Cooper would be a gamble, and one with a flux of very high end talented young players that constitutes a risk.  However, I think it's a risk worth taking to move the club forward.  Bringing fresh idea's to the league can help move it forward from the basement dwellers we've been for the past 3 years into mid league contention and perhaps even close to the play-off's next year.  It would be something to make me smile when thinking about my beloved Oilers.

Wow, I didn't expect to go on so much about hockey, but now I turn my attention to football and the Euro 2012 championships.  It's been widely reported in the media about the racism and the crowd violence surrounding the championships and it's hosts.  However, yesterday the authorities in the Ukraine did football proud.  I don't care what others may think of me for saying this, but by not allowing the "England Band" to play in the stadium prior, before or after the game was a blessing.  

Perhaps I've said this before in another rant, but the very idea that we need a band in the crowd to prompt the fans into singing is infuriating.  The fact that they follow England every where and still play the same 3 or 4 tunes for the past 20 or so years is unreal.  It's a horrible side effect of the Sky era of football.  I am not blaming Sky for this, as such, but we didn't have people taking drums, trumpets etc. into games prior to them covering the games.  OK, I tell a lie you did, but they were the local brass band, or Salvation Army band playing tunes before kick off or at half time.  Not in the crowd trying to create an atmosphere.  I first encountered something like this when at Old Trafford watching a game between United and Sheffield Wednesday.  It was the single most annoying thing I'd experienced at a game.  I don't know what it is with anyone who thinks playing the Great Escape over and over is good for the game.  

My hope is that the authorities continue to keep them from playing in the Euro's and that grounds around the world continue to ban them.  It isn't part of the game, it isn't part of the traditional fan culture.  We don't need it, we don't want it.  Kick Racism out, Kick Homophobia out and kick the band out of football.....  Come on Uefa you can do it.

Friday, June 08, 2012

It was cold, wet and fun...

Having suggested that I'd write about Wednesday's swimming experience, and not done so it is time for me to recount the trip.  I got wet, it was cold, I got dried and then came home. Simples!! ( I would add that silly noise the merkat makes, but I'm not sure how one spells it

Being serious I actually enjoyed Wednesday than the previous trip, I think I sort of knew what was coming and was a little better prepared.  I made sure that we got used to the cold water, avoiding any cold shocks that I probably suffered last time. We set off at our own pace as opposed to the rest of the swimmers.  It felt like two old grannies with zimmer frames running a 100m against Usain Bolt, but I don't care I was enjoying.  My friend didn't make the whole circuit of the course and I only did the short course, though I probably did far longer than the 400m it's advertised to be.  That is besides the by, this time I swam and didn't feel in trouble, I didn't get a sore back and I didn't have to struggle.  Now OK, I've still got a long way to go before I can contemplate doing a mile, and one in a less restricted bit of water, but things are going slowly.

It was fun catching up with an old friend, chatting away about anything really, it was unfortunate that we couldn't get into the BBC to get her picture taken with the Tardis or Daleks, but I'm sure she'll get that done sooner rather than later.  We did look at the Blue Peter garden which is a lot smaller than I imagined it would be.  However there isn't a lot of it needed due to the amount of times it's used and a big garden would be pointless to keep and film in for so few occasions a year.

Since Wednesday I've suffered with my back slightly, but I'm not sure if that's not something other than the swimming.  However, I didn't feel that tired either on Wednesday night, so I may be getting fitter I don't know.  I know we are looking at going again some time soon, which should be fun and hopefully I'll swim a bit more than I did this time.  The weather though has turned since Wednesday and it's grey and miserable.  In some parts of the country we've got severe weather warnings out. High winds, heavy rain etc.  I'm sort of glad I'm not going swimming in the morning, but after Wednesday I've sort of caught the bug again to swim more and more open water swimming.  As daunting as the course looked once I got going it wasn't too bad.  

Now we progress towards the European Championships, or simply the UEFA Euro's as the marketing men like it to be known.  It's the continental championship for national sides.  England are in it this time, but I'm not overtly confident in the chances.  As much as people are trying to play them down, as opposed to the over hype they normally receive, the squad is simply too bland for me.  I know that obtaining a winning mentality is important and one way of doing that is grinding out simple 1-0 wins, but to win the competition like that you've got to have a lot of luck, and to simply put it, Greece stole all of it when they did just that 8 years ago.  

The 3 countries that are amongst the favourites for me, are Spain (the holders), Holland and Germany.  Spain are current holders and also the holders of the World Cup.  They are a very good team based upon the wonderful Barca team.  However the question has to be be asked if they are up for the task.  A lot of the Barca players have seemed to run out of steam towards the end of this past season, having being playing near enough none stop for the past 3 or 4 years.  Will this tourny be a bridge to far?  I don't know, I wouldn't want to bet against them, but would I bet for them?  I just don't know it all depends on if they are indeed tired and have no running left in the legs, if they haven't then they can be got at, and beaten.

Holland were beaten by Spain in the World Cup final 2 years ago, most of the team is still around, they seemingly produced a great team every few years the Dutch.  If they can get Robin Van Persie scoring and avoid the infamous infighting they should go far.  They are in a difficult group though and a slip up could prove costly.  In part because of the history of the Dutch national side since the mid 70's I've a soft spot for them, and would like to see them win, but it is really down to the day with them, and how they arrive for the game.  They either explode or implode and you can never tell which it's going to be.  

Germany on the other hand, are the regular achiever in championships.  They have a young team that exceeded expectation at the World Cup a couple of years ago.  This time people will be a bit wiser to them, but will they be able to do anything about it?  It's rare for anyone to be able to do anything about it.  Being in the same group as the Dutch, they to have the potential to slip earlier than normal, but I can't see it. Once in the knock out stages, they'll be a force.  They will have the traditional traits of the German national side, plus the care free attitudes of youth.  

Any of those 3 sides can win this tourny, naming one that will is difficult, it wouldn't shock me to see 2 of them in the final against each other and then it's all down to the luck of the day.  

I just hope that the tourny passess without incident, the UK press are really playing up the social issues in Ukraine and also Poland where the Euro's are being jointly staged.  I'm not sure how the rest of Europe is reporting it, but all I want is a good tourny, with plenty of enjoyable football.  Football doesn't have to be good to be enjoyable.  Yest, the better the quality the more thrilling it can be, but a tense, 0-0 can be just as good, with crazy defending, inept finishing adding to the fun.  I'm sure that should we get that the pundits will go over board, moaning about it, but if it's fun to watch, just say so.  Sometime the analysis can be over complecated.

Wednesday, June 06, 2012

Those were the days

Gazing out of the window, pondering how to start I'm trying to work out what the weather is trying to do today.  It's flirting between ominous dark clouds and a breeze to wonderful sunny conditions, not to warm, but not cold either.  I mention this as later on I'm going swimming down in the local Quays as I did last year.  I'd rather it be warmer than colder out, as that will drop the temperature right down.  However all in the name of fun, fitness and health.  

One will write up if I can get past the 400m mark from last time, but I doubt I'll be able to do that, I'm not sure I'm any stronger than last time.  Let's wait and see.  I'm going along this time with someone else, an old friend of mine who I used to work with.  It suddenly dawned on me it's been ages since we last saw each other last night, just about the same time I spotted someone on facebook with whom I've had little contact with for years.  It brought back many happy memories of time gone by when perhaps I was a little more care free, and not as introverted as I am now.  

I shouldn't look back at those time, as much as I was less introverted and more out going, I think I was over compensating and whilst I'd like to think that they were enjoyable in many respects, I know I wasn't happy through those times..  However, some of the memories of some of the stuff we got up to, sticks with me, and I don't want to forget them.  That's the strange thing with life I guess, that in the darkest corners of our lives we find some really enjoyable moments which stick with us, more than say any other enjoyable moment.  Is it because that is stronger as it's cutting through the torridness that is life at that point?  

What ever it is, to those that suffered with me, laughed with me, and at me, those that watch me suffer and cause hurt and pain through my actions, thanks for being there at that moment in time.  Maybe we'll be able to sit down and catch up one day with a drink and a meal.  Oh those were the days as the song went.

Saturday, June 02, 2012

Not A Word

As the light drags on outside, time passes by slower by the day.  Maybe it's me I don't know, however over the past week or two the days seem to be getting longer and longer.  OK, I know that is factually correct as we move towards the summer equinox and the longest day of the year, but it feels so much longer of late.  

I'm finding myself more and more bored as the night passes and so I'm going to have to do something about it, I'm not sure what but I will.  By writing tonight I'm going fill about 20 minutes or so, I don't plan what I write, if I did it wouldn't work, so tonight is a filler entry as such one to fill time.  It isn't working as I'm finding myself trying to think of what to write.  

Here's something I hadn't realised, I've spoken a word to anyone today, and not even said anything out loud to myself.  That is sort of odd, as I normally say something at least once all day.  I'm now sort of wondering do I say something or not?  Shall I break the silence or attempt to go a day without saying anything.  It feels odd though, it really does and it's making me feel rather isolated as now I've identified it, it's playing on my mind.  How could I alter this? Well by going to the shop to pick up anything just to get me into someone's company, but you know I don't know if I want to do that just to alter that.  It is a very strange place i find myself in with this. 

With the drop in temperature I've pulled my window closed as well, and that's heightened the sense of silence as I can't hear anyone on outside, not that they would be in the rain.  Yet, all I've got is my room. Self motivation is required I guess, but it isn't in bucket fulls, and that's seen through out this blog is it?

It's now June, half way through the year, and it's flown by in many ways, we've still got a long way to go but crimes in just over 3 months time it's going to be my birthday again.  It's flying by, in 3 months time the Olympics will have been and gone from the UK.  I've waited all my life to see them on British soil and I can't afford to go.  It's sort of soul destroying, every 4 years I have watched them as much as I could, 24 hours wall to wall sport, and the one time I can go in the flesh I can't afford it.  The closest I'll get is seeing the torch pass through Salford and Manchester.  Maybe, maybe I'll find a job soon, or win the lottery.  If that's later is the case then I'll be off to Russia in 2014 for the winter games, getting tickets if I can for the ski jumping, ski and board cross and of course the hockey.  It's a dream I guess, but if one can't dream then one shouldn't be around.