Friday, June 15, 2012

Lost in a Roman...wilderness of pain

 I sit and write once more, with a head that is clearing, with a mood that is starting to be bright once more.  I have some way to recover, I now have a clearer view of what caused my manic drop in mood and slide to the darker side of myself.  I have mentioned them over the course of the last few days, though I suspect that the one thing I didn't mention that took place, added to the situation, or indeed was the spark of it all.  That remains a secret from here, however I will be more careful in the future.  

Over the past 24 hours I have withdrawn from society I took 24 hours of solitude to search what was going on, to talk about it in here, and to figure out in my own mind what was going on, and why I'd dropped as I had.  This isn't me in depression, I realise that, this was me having a very bad few days, I've not been "unhappy", or anything else of late, nothing to make me depressed, so why I fell like I did I don't know.  It isn't the first time of course, and days like that have often led to whole scale depression.  Instead of feeling bad, perhaps today I should be saying how happy I am, I spotted the symptoms and though I couldn't stop the fall into the hole I threw out so many safety nets to stop me hitting the true bottom that I managed to stop the decent.  

To continue the analogy I'm climbing back out of the hole, I'll be back to sanity by late tomorrow, early Sunday.  I can calculate that, which seems strange, but I know in myself that I feel some where near "normal" now, but obviously after such a crash I have to be careful, I've got to take my time, and give myself some space instead of dashing into situations which whilst being helpful, may also pull the safety nets away from me.  So care and caution is being taken.

What am I doing to help myself?  Well, I'm playing the longest, strangest song in my musical collection.  I say strangest, not that they lyrics or content are strange, but that this song can be two things to me.  If I'm down or falling down, this can send me spiralling down even quicker, and the morbid story can cause so many emotions that it's painful.  However, it can in times like now become a song to cheer me up, I don't know why it does this in reverse, but I find it to be a beautiful song when climbing out of the dark hole that I fall into.  I think the story, twists round from being morbid to being a rallying call for me.  The many times I've had this song on repeat, for days on end, let alone hours is many.  It used to scare people to hear this coming from my room, more so when I was at Uni, as they knew that it wasn't always a positive song for me.  I used to get quite a few people knocking on my door to check I was OK.  However on other occasions I've had really odd experiences, in fact one time I'm sure I had a near out of body experience listening to it, I certainly could see myself lying on the bed, with this constantly playing in the background.  I know I wasn't sleeping, and hadn't taken anything, it was quite surreal.  The only other time I'd felt like that was on morphine after I'd had knee surgery.  

So I thank you Jim Morrison, and The Doors for writing such a wonderful song as "The End".  I'm sure I've put the lyrics in here before now, but they go up again today so you can all see them once more. 

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again
Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand
In a...desperate land
Lost in a Roman...wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane
All the children are insane
Waiting for the summer rain, yeah
There's danger on the edge of town
Ride the King's highway, baby
Weird scenes inside the gold mine
Ride the highway west, baby
Ride the snake, ride the snake
To the lake, the ancient lake, baby
The snake is long, seven miles
Ride the snake...he's old, and his skin is cold
The west is the best
The west is the best
Get here, and we'll do the rest
The blue bus is callin' us
The blue bus is callin' us
Driver, where you taken' us
The killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on
He took a face from the ancient gallery
And he walked on down the hall
He went into the room where his sister lived, and...then he
Paid a visit to his brother, and then he
He walked on down the hall, and
And he came to a door...and he looked inside
Father, yes son, I want to kill you
Mother...I want to...WAAAAAA
C'mon baby,--------- No "take a chance with us"
C'mon baby, take a chance with us
C'mon baby, take a chance with us
And meet me at the back of the blue bus
Doin' a blue rock
On a blue bus
Doin' a blue rock
C'mon, yeah
Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill
This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
It hurts to set you free
But you'll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we tried to die
This is the end

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