I arrive at this post, slightly apprehensive, slightly nervous in terms of where I'm going to go with this. I had a really bad day yesterday, and an equally bad night, I dare not say I'm OK, happy and full of the joys of summer, as clearly I am not.
What caused the melt down? No stop that, that suggests I'm OK and I am not, what has caused this melt down should be the right phrase? Can I pinpoint it? No, I can point to events on Monday after swimming and on my way home, but thta was one little incident which OK it hurt like hell, and I've referenced that in previous posts, but it shouldn't have caused me to spiral out of control into the pit of darkness I am in. No way, something has to be behind this, I'm not that fragile, I've never been that fragile. Is it he family situation? I don't think so, I've come to accept my fate with that, and even though I have tried of late to arrange a meet with my niece which hasn't been a success that alone shouldn't have been the issue.
So where in the depths of hell has this come from? I've got to look at where the frustration has built up, or why it's been built up? What are the frustrations which I voiced so much yesterday, are the the truth behind all of this or is something else deeper rooted that has been triggered and I'm using the points I made yesterday as an excuse??
Agenda point 1, the social groups that I've joined. Do I enjoy them? I enjoy the social aspect of them, I need to be social, or at least to be out of my flat, that is a historical and well documented situation. These four walls, so small and constrictive, are my prison as I stated yesterday. The lack of friends at close hand, to allow me to pop round to chat, or even the odd phone call makes what should be my flat into a hell hole. I'm so isolated, that going out is good for me. Yet is that another issue to explore? It is indeed, I'll probably come back to this later on in this summary, I need to think about something whilst typing which isn't good as my natural free flow style is stunted and this place doesn't work when I'm constructing the post in advance. Yes, so I do enjoy going out, I do enjoy being social, but did I join these groups to become a part of organisation or for the social aspect? Clearly it was the social aspect, but for some reason I've beome part of the organisation. Why have I allowed that to happen? Why when I didn't want that to happen have I allowed myself to enter into that situation?
This is something I need to look at why I didn't want to be involved in the organisations, it could be something about that which is a new issue for me to go away and look at. What's the issue? Well in times gone by and I guess in the period where I would say I was a bit more extrovert and outgoing, I would possibly look more to being involved in the organisation, I'd be willing to take a posts and join committee's. In fact I did, and I liked that, but what made it such an appeal then? Was it the want to be seen, that part of me that wanted to be the centre of attention, that wanted to be seen? Yet that doesn't equate to the other side of me at that point who didn't want the attention, who wanted to be on the edges as I didn't feel comfortable with being in the middle. So I'm going to discount that theory for now, and maybe consider if it was the natural part of me that wanted to help. I think it was you know, I'm a natural helper, I want to help everyone and everything, be it an individual or an organisation, I'm more than willing. I think that perhaps may be why when I was at work I'd happily do so much cover work/over time.
That's something that I hadn't considered before, but it links in with the loneliness and the hatred of being alone in my flat all the time. By being so naturally helpful, I'd be happy to help out others, knowing in it's own way it would be killing time away from my own hell, which would in an odd fashion be helping myself. However that wasn't or didn't prove to be totally helpful to me did it? Not that I'm going to grumble and not that I wouldn't do it again, but looking back the amount of times I said yes as opposed to no is huge, and the tanglable hurt that I felt saying no is now understandable, as it was going against my natural being.
Bringing this back to task, why the change? I recall discussing this last week with a friend, and I know that the only reason I discussed it with her, was that I'd written something in here about how I've gone from outgoing almost extrovert to a shy introvert. On how I'm not sure which is the real me, and why I've gone from one to the other. It would be interesting to see how people who meet me now see me, as opposed to those that knew me in the past, and what they say. If those in the past can see the change I can, or if they just think that with age I've "clamed" down or got a bit quieter, or if those in the present see me now, as I do. What ever that would bring I don't know, but in terms of joining groups for the social aspect, I think I just wanted the communication, to speak to people, the internet is great from meeting people and talking via the net is wonderful, but it's not the same as face to face interaction, you don't get the humour, the emotions, you can't put any inflections on the words typed. It was that and being out of my flat that drove me I guess. As I am more introverted, and not wanting to be at the centre of attention as I used to be, not that I ever really enjoyed that, I just wanted to be take part, rather than be part of. However, on both occasions in the groups I'm talking about I instantly reallsed that I was unique, that I was alone.
Yesterday I spoke of filling in spaces or something akin to filling in blanks/gaps in the groups remit. It was that realisation that as soon as I spoke, or suggested anything remotely along the lines of those missing parts, I'd be taken on board. Then the natural desire to help out kicks in, and I sort of accepted the request I guess to help them out. So why couldn't I say no? I could in the past and though it hurt me to do so, I did it. It's taken me all of 30 or 40 seconds to realise why I couldn't say no, and that was because it meant more meetings, more being out of my flat and thus more socialising. So the loop is complete the thing that I wanted has driven me into the thing that I didn't want. and thus it becomes a vicious circle. That's a bit scary, and also an issue that needs looking at. Why I'm prepared to push myself into difficult positions just for the social aspect of it all. So what can I do? Do I resign/leave the groups? It would curtail some of my social life, and am I prepared to sacrife that? The question shouldn't be that, it's am I enjoying the groups? Well, not right now, they seem to be drifting into area's where I didn't want them to go, and I'm helpless to stop them. I perhaps answered myself on this question when discussing it with someone else yesterday. I'm sort of feeling isolated within the groups, I'm on my own, I can't discuss anything with the others as they've no grasp of where I'm at. Haven't I just been here though, that's the reason why I felt obliged to help in the first place. So another circle is formed, and unless I can break it, I'm going to be stuck in them.
Agenda point 2, Me, I mentioned the incident after swimming, both today and yesterday. I think it knocked me some what due to the intent more than anything else. I normally brush off those sort of comments, so why on Monday? I don't know why to be honest. Maybe, and just maybe because of the fact I'd been swimming. I don't know, however during the swim, I went to the toilet, and whilst getting ready to go back in the water, in the toilets I noticed myself in the mirror. I winced, as I felt I looked awful, and fat. I normally don't think that, but this time I did, so some where inside me, I had issues over my appearance. I know how I look, I know that it can be said I don't try, but I do, but I'm so conscious about certain things, and yes that goes back to cost, and even when working I realistically couldn't afford that anyway. That it's almost pointless to try harder. Yet, even when I have, no one has ever said don't do this, do that, this looks good this doesn't. Everyone else seemingly looks great, they'll have issues, but those I see on a regular basis look great and have no issues, or none that I can see. That is probably why I really torture myself on how I look. Yet, I've been OK of late, I've not even thoguht about it, so why now? Why am I really going nuts over it? When it hasn't been an issue of late. That I can't tell you, it's hit me like a ton of bricks and that isn't nice, I just wish I could put my head in a brown paper bag and go out like that. Life would be so much better living behind somethng like that, others wouldn't be able to pass comment or make judgements then.
This links in with the social aspect of my issues, as the more I go out the more concious I am of myself and the desire to stay in and not do anything increases, thus I do that, I retreat from everything and hey I go stir crazy, end up with cabin fever and as we saw last March on the brink of contemplating suicide and self harm. I don't wish to go down that road again, but I know that I will between now and the end of my life. I keep saying that and yet I keep returning. It isn't something that I'm proud of and it's something I wish I could stop, but I guess it's all part of me. So how do I win? How do I go out, whilst not becoming wonderfully aware of how awful I look, how fat I am, how the lack of money restricts one's wardrobe? and still enjoy one's self? That's the billion dollar question that I guess I'm trying to answer, but I don't think I can. I've tried groups where people should be understanding and they are, but then my own paranoia kicks in and drives me crazy, whilst going to other groups with less understanding, though with lots of understanding, has led me to the first issues. What do I do? I can't win? I never win and that's not a nice feeling to think I'll never win. It's like trying to climb to the top of Everest, whilst using a stair climbing machine, no matter how may stairs you climb you just don't move. So what do I need to do? Move forward?
I'm not sure what to say really, my self esteem and confidence are never high, I don't think they ever have been, in the past or future. There are some words, one ever hears, and occasionally I would like to hear them genuinely. No how to put it? In the correct context, I can hear them in other context, but not quite in the way that I guess I want them. You know I mentioned about being alone? The isolation, well that's something that plays a part in all of this. it's just so much of a killer, and it does interwine with it all. Life is so dam complicated all the issues seemingly bleed into one. I thought I'd solved my problems years ago, but instead life has opened up even more since and I have no skills to help me solve them. I know I've said this before, but I had a definable excuse and reason for so long that perhaps I ignored all the other crap and whilst I'm getting better as I get older at dealing with these issues, when they hit it's like a steam train. It's like being hit with issues as a teenager all over again, and having no idea how to deal with them. I know it could be said that's a good analogy, but it's one I really hate, as I do think that I'm quite good at dealing with things, I have a whole range of coping mechanisms, so why do I always fail?
This post is getting bigger and bigger, and I know I could go on, I guess that I should go back and explore the family situation, but if I start getting onto that, which I know I've messed up yesterday, as I'm not sure if I'll get a phone call or something later today. It will be interesting to see if I do, if not then I do truely believe that I've been as good as excomunicated from my family. Of course that would hurt and isn't what I want to find out in my current mood, but I have set this up and I've got to accept what my actions bring upon me.
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