Friday, December 31, 2004

End of the Year

So here we are at the end of 2004, this time tomorrow, a lot of the nation will be waking up to a sore head, self induced with too much alcoholic drinks, and very little food. I'm not sure what I'll be doing for New Years Eve, but this year in a brief reveiw hasn't been too bad. In fact it hasn't been bad at all, in fact I can actually say it's been a "normal" year for me. I put the normal in speech marks, as I can't say it's been average as my average has always been negative, but this year hasn't been negative. Though I wouldn't say it's been a good year, it's probably been a normal year for the majority of the world.

I'm not going to post a reveiw in terms of events, as I'd be here forever and a day. Instead I'll leave it as the above.

So today my plans have to involve a trip up to my union offices to see them with regard work. I suddenly remembered that going on the sick, though meaning I get paid, whilst being off work isn't the best thing to do. I can't volunteer or work for Barnardo's whilst on the sick and that means another source of income is closed to me. Which when you need the income, isn't helpful. I'm hoping that the union may be able to offer me some proper advice and help me through this spell. Refering to the the start of this Blog, I don't feel to negative in terms of what there response will be. I'm in fact expecting them to be helpful towards me. Had this been a normal year by my own standards, I'd be sat here telling you that they won't help me, as that is the norm for me.

The above has a lot to do with my own personal development over the past 12 months, though I've still got a long way to go, and some people who have been on the other end of me telling them that it's a pointless cause for me may not say this. I have improved a hell of a lot over the past 12 months. I'm more calmer and rational than I've ever been in my life, I'm not living on the edge as much. Again that hasn't been clear of late, but that has been down to the situation at school, and I've now rid myself of that. I've been threatening to do this for a while now, but have never had the courage or determination to do what I've done, another positive. Let's just see how this develops in 2005.

Slightly contradicting everything I've just said, 2005 isn't looking good in terms of my own physical being. I've got the shoulder problems, which far from improving with exercises has gotten worse. I was told to expect that, but not to expect the other shoulder to start showing similar symptoms. How to cope with two frozen shoulders?? Then I've got the biopsy on my liver which takes place in a week or so time. I hate to think what that is going find out. Then of course I've got a voluntary operation to take up at some point in the next 3 or 4 months. My health is a big issue this coming year.

Anyway, enough typing my shoulders are hurting me again, and I'm going to cook myself a breakfast. I think a good old English Breakfast is in order today. Not the most healthy of ways to start a day, but certainly one of the most enjoyable.....

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Bright Lights

Well since the start of the holidays I've tried to wind down as much as I possibly could after the traumatic events that led to me walking out of work. I seem to at last have reached a level where by I can start to see light at the end of the tunnel, that light is starting to shine bright, and with hope I face the next week or so, with a renewed energy, which I guess has been lost from me for a long time.

Yes, I need to find a new job, yes, I need to sort out the position with the old job, and yes I need to sort my health out, but once all that is sorted I feel the next chapter of my life will begin, and one which I will enjoy. I do enjoy working and am prepared to work, but the job has to be one which I enjoy, it can't be any old job, it has to be something to which I want to do, and not something which I'm doing out of the need for money. I can live without money in a way, it's more to do with job satisfaction for me. So if anyone wishing to lend an idea as to what sort of job I should go for next, please feel free to leave me a comment, and I'll happily look into it.

Before we start getting crazy, the area of work to which I work best is with children, and though I've worked extensively with children with special needs, I can and am willing to work with children in the mainstream of society.

Anyway, with the light shining at the end of the tunnel, I'm able to look out of my window and see a gloomy winters day, the sky is a multitude of greys, from dark to light. The tree's are bare, the world seems to match the colour of the sky, and yet here I am on the cusp of a new beginning, and one which I'm hoping will bring the colour back into my life, very soon.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Enjoyable times

It's been over a week since I last wrote anything again, for a couple of them days I wasn't really around at my place as I spent Christmas day and Boxing Day my mum's place. She'd invited me around, and we had a really nice Christmas together. It wasn't the greatest Christmas ever, I don't really recall a great Christmas, but this was a nice suprise as to how enjoyable it was.

Maybe it was the fact of what I had done at school, which had relaxed me a little, who knows. This time next week we'll see what happens, as we are due back in work, or should I say the other staff are due back in. I've no intention of going back, and will if I have to go onto the sick. It's an option that I've got in reserve to play for a while if I have too. The thing is this, I feel so much better without knowing I'm going back.

Enough of that, I may touch on it later, but not in the same manner. The more I go on about it the more I start to think about it, and that isn't what I want to do, or have done. What's been happening in the very odd world of Leia?? Well I did all the Christmas parties for Barnardo's last Wednesday. That was fun, but someone said something there which upset me and made me consider just walking away from them. It does bother me that even people there who want me to work there can cause me problems. Still the kids enjoyed the parties and though some of the lads from the group on a Monday night didn't have a great time I know they enjoyed themselves.

I decided that things had to be taken easy for the rest of the holiday, but come the Thursday things altered. Mum wanted running up to Aunite Irene's, which I did. At least AJ was with us and thus made the trip less painful for me. I don't know why I don't enjoy trips up to Auntie Irene, but I haven't for years. So after a quick visit there, the three of us then fought through the crowds to go shopping for fresh food. It wasn't as busy as I've known it to be, but it was certainly busy. Shelves were emptying very quickly and luckily we didn't have a huge shop to undertake and once we'd got everything, it was a dash to the tills. Ok, so AJ took us upstairs to look around the toy section, and tell us what she wanted for Christmas for the 1000th time, but which 7/8 year old wouldn't at this time of year??? Whilst waiting to get through the check out, mum sent AJ and me to McDonalds for her lunch. It's only since they refurbished the shop has McD's been in the Asda/Wall-Mart shop near us. AJ was happy enough, as she got one of the "Incredibles" toys she hasn't got got. I was awarded super powers for finding a McD's with a different toy in.

By the time we got home and had a drink of coffee, it was time for AJ to go home and once she had, it was a matter of a quick sit down and relax before getting all the presents wrapped up, either Christmas for everyone or AJ's Birthday present, which is today!!!!

The rest of the Thursday and Friday was taken at a sedate pace, though on Friday morning I did go and get the light on the car fixed, one of the sidelights had gone, and once in the shop, I bought myself a new stereo for the car. I got them to install it, as I'd never done anything like that before and was slightly scared of doing anything. It was a good job they did it, as at first I couldn't do it and they needed to use more tools than they expected. So at least I've got music in the car now and I'm very impressed by the quality of the thing.

The holiday days or Christmas Day and Boxing Day, were taken at much the same pace as the Friday and late Thursday. Sedate, but active all the way through. I got to mum's just before lunch time and just before AJ arrived with her mum and dad. AJ was wide eyed and went straight to the tree to open her presents from this house. There wasn't even a stop to wish everyone happy Christmas. She's got loads of things and I'm sure she's more than happy with what she's got. I'd be jealous if i hadn't got half as much as that at that age. Still she bought me or should I say her mum and dad bought me another Star Wars lego keyring, but I knew this as AJ has been telling me for the past couple of weeks exactly what she's bought me. I got some money officially off her mum and dad, which is more than I expected. Once they'd gone and mum and I had Christmas dinner, I settled down and watched a variety of things. I was hoping to watch the traditional Christmas film, "The Wizard of Oz", but I didn't get chance, but we did see the ending, which was enough. It was on twice anyway this year, on different stations. It also became a white Christmas for us, which is something of a rarity, but it certainly was nice to see and hear the children in the drive laughing and screaming on Christmas Day, whilst enjoying a snowball fight. That's Christmas.......

Boxing Day was spent hoping that Lisa would manage to get up for the football match. She didn't get up here due to car problems, which upset me somewhat. I wanted to have the chance to talk to her about what I'd done at work, as I hadn't told her up to that point. Subsequently I've managed to tell her via email, but I've had no reply as of yet. I'm presuming that as Monday and Tuesday of this week have been public holidays to compensate for Christmas falling on a Saturday, she hasn't been in work to collect her mail. Once I'd been to the football and returned to mum's it was time to watch a couople of tv shows before heading back home here. Since then, the past couple of days have been spent either here or at mum's. It's been enjoyable thus far, and though I've got no where to go yet on New Year's eve, I'm sure that I can find somewhere to go and party. If not I can bring a lot of beer from my mum's place, I've got some wine, and can get some more before seeing the New Year in either here or at mums.

I'll leave this post for now, as I don't want to go on forever with this. Plus, my shoulders are starting to hurt right now. Both of my shoulders are freezing over, though one is more advanced than the other. To type for such a period of time as I have, nearly 40 minutes, give or take 15 to 20 of those were spent 1 finger typing whilst eating my breakfast, it still strains my shoulders. Oh this could be my get out of work key for a while I guess.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004


Well, it's coming up to 17 hours since I last wrote in here, and so much has gone before me being at home and ready to write. School was probably the lowest of the low. I can't recall, but I'm sure I mentioned that I thought I'd hit the all time low, when I spent all day shredding documents the other week. Today however was lower than that!! I know it's hard to suggest such a thing, but I can. I spent 70% of the morning folding paper. Yes, folding an A4 sheet of paper, in half to make a booklet for the Carol Service in the afternoon. I can't describe how pissed off I am with this. Instead of hiding away in some remote office out of sight of the rest of the school. I took this down to the library where everyone could come and see what I was doing, and thus let everyone know what a sad pathetic job I've got. You know no one made a comment, the knowing looks was enough to suggest that either A) they felt I desereved nothing more than that, or B) they felt ashamed of the position they'd let me fall into. Well I'm not going back to school in January, I QUIT. I don't care about working my notice, I'm just not going back.

I spent the best part of the afternoon trying not to break down, more so as the school was full of parents and visitors for the above mentioned carol service. I did break down at 3.30, and too hell with them, I shouldn't be in that position to do that. I had to hold back from writing my resignation letter on the school computers for fear that it would be dragged up in the future. Well it's going to be typed out tonight. I don't care at all. I'll go out and steal to eat if I have to, anything is better than folding paper.

Let's see how they cope without me. Both the head and one of the Deputy's claim that I'm vital to the running of the school!! Well let's see what they do when I just don't turn up and don't return any calls in a couple of weeks. Let them sort out the place without me, let them find someone else to fold the papers, to be a the beck and call of everyone else, I'm simply not prepared to do it anymore. Let's see how many people do next years Christmas shopping, let's see who does the school shopping full stop without me. Oh I know it will be done, and I know for a fact that they'll employ a specific driver to drive the bus. What get's me is that they'll get more money than what I'll have ever been on.

I'm now ready for Christmas alright, full of hate, anger and enough upset to last me through till the end of the turkey. Thank you SPRINGWOOD PRIMARY SCHOOL, my Christmas has been made oh so much more normal by you lot. The thought of going back or going to prison, which one? Prison, at least it will be warm and I'd be fed...


Well as it's just turned midnight and I'm all but ready for bed, I can sit back and relax a little. It's the final day of school for this term, for this calendar year. After this afternoon, I won't set foot back in that place till next year. That's an awful thing to think about isn't it, we can say next year and think it's ages away, like we do for the majority of the year. Right now thought it's what 11 days from now.

I'm feeling alot better than I did on Saturday morning, and though Lisa and I didn't get to Rusholme on Saturday night, I had a curry on Sunday night which has helped flush out the cold I've had. On Saturday, we ended up at the local Chinese restaurant, which was ok, but for some reason, we didn't have any crackers. All the tables bar the one we sat on had Xmas crackers, and we ordered some Prawn Crackers, but they failed to serve them. I don't know why we were crackerless, it wasn't as if we'd done anything wrong.

Mood wise I'm ok, a bit jovial, but nothing excentric. Enjoy it while it lasts is the motto I guess. Well, short and sweet this post, the bed is calling me with every second. I bid thee all a good night.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Where did the week Go???

I sit here a week after my last entry feeling ashamed and sorry for not adding to this blog for so long. I did intend I promise yesterday to add something, but when I got up in the morning, my internet connection failed and thus I was left to wait till I got in last night from school. Add to that I went out last night fairly early for a meal with the other Barnardo's volunteers, I didn't get much time to write. I've no other excuse really for the previous days of the past week, I hang my head in shame for that.

From the tone of what I have just written you may detect a slightly brighter character in me. I'm feeling much better than I did this time last week, I'm not as down as I was, and I'm feeling a bit positive for a change (don't hold your breath on that staying). I know things aren't easy for me, and I've fought and fought for everything I've had, but I should consider myself lucky that I have achieved what I have with my life. Other's are still failing and are in so much distress that they will end it all. Perhap's over the past year or so I've become complacent, and that the will to carry on fighting for everything that I want or need has been lost. That's understandable in many ways, but something that I need to address and quickly. I could make a New Year resoloution, and say I'll never get depressed in 2005, but that would be impossible to predict.

WOW, 2005 is upon us!!! The years seem to fly by these days, is it me getting older or are the days getting shorter?? It's soon going to be 20 years since I left school, even sooner 20 years since I started volunteering with Barnardo's. Lot's of things have taken place over the past years as you can imagine, but since leaving school, things just seem to have speeded up.

I regret losing my childhood, but if it were different I think my life would had been different too. I wouldn't have had such a good friend in Lisa. Yes, we would have known each other at school, but would we have been friends is another question. It's something though that is worth pondering on occasionally, not only for myself, but others. I mean how would things have panned out for you if you could change something about either you or something during your childhood years?

So this past week, has flown by and in a way I'm glad, it was the last full week of school till the Christmas holidays and that can really drag, but this week it flew by. My line manager Charlie came into school on Thursday for Christmas dinner. It was great to see him, he's not been in school since around the end of June of this year, as he's had a few operations. He's hoping to be back in January, which will be great!! That means I can turn to him for a job when I've got nothing else to do, instead of just sitting in reception. It's been hard not having him around around, as we've but up a good working relationship, and in a way that hasn't helped with my mood about work. Let's see how things progress with work. With regards to the post's at Barnardo's. Out of the 4 they interviewed, they employed only 1 person, but she has taken the 31 hour post which is the one I wanted, and they are going to re-advertise for the other 3, 21 hour posts. I may still go for it, and work my way into the position to claim 31 hours when it becomes available.

Talking Barnardo's again, this week saw the end of the Thursday group that I've helped with over the past 3 or 4 years. Little Lads was my friend Vicki's baby, and it was the only thing we worked on together while she was a member of staff at Barnardo's. When Vicki left, Dawn took over the group and we've worked together on it since then. It's probably been the most enjoyable group I've EVER worked with, the dynamic's were perfect and we could do almost anything with that group and know they would enjoy it. As is the norm, and as |'m sure I've said before on here, January see's the annual reconfiguration of the after school groups, and the group we had is lost. It has altered slightly over the years, but this time it's been lost. It's no more. Thursday was difficult in many ways, as I was so aware of how I've enjoyed the group, how much I've put into the group over the past couple of years. I had to do my best not to cry, I had to do my best not to show any emotion in front of the kids. What ever goes on with the new groups in January and through till December of next year, nothing will replace Little Lads, nothing will ever.

So to today, and what am I doing? Well I'll be taking my mum into town (Manchester) to see the European market. It's the last weekend before they leave, and mum hasn't been this year. Well she did go to Cologne to see the Christmas market there, which would be nicer than the one in Manchester, but very similar. Once that has been done we'll get something to eat and return to mum's, as late this afternoon United play Crystal Palace at Old Trafford, so Lisa and I will be attending. After the game it's home and change as we are more than likely going into Manchester for a curry in Rusholme, on the Curry Mile. I suggest this earlier in the week, and I just hope that we go ahead with it, I've not been up there for ages, but it's always great when up that end of town.

Tomorrow may well be a day of rest, as I may the mistake of washing my hair early in the morning again this week, and within a day I've found myself with a sore throat and awful cough. I just hope that if I do get a cold it would be nice enough to leave before the end of the week. I don't want to be full of a cold over Christmas. So tomorrow, I may just stop inside and do very little.

With that all done, and I'm sure that I've missed things out, I'll leave you all to ponder what I've written today and apologise again for not writing in the past week.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Tunnel of Pain

I'm going to leave the title void of anything till I've written this post, as I've no idea what or where I'm going here. I do know that since my last entry, I've improved in terms of mood, but that's only a slight improvement. I've felt so much better before now, and yet I've felt worse than I am today. Suicide is out, it isn't thought of. Being alone though good in many respects is horrible on a day like today. I know I've no money to go and spend, but that isn't the point. The point is that I just want to be around people who accept me for being me, rather than someone else.

What is it with some many people, that they don't like me? What have I ever done to upset them? OK, I've an idea with one or two people, but that was only me being selfish and having to do what was best for me, but to be put in a position like I have been is just way out of order. Others just seem to drop out of my life and never seem to return. Have I got a streak in me that sends them away? I know that I've written this before, and I couldn't answer it then.

Returning to the thing with work, it's just getting a combination of things which have led to me being so unhappy. I'm happy working with children, without being too big headed, I'm good at that, it's what I do best, it's what I enjoy the most. I don't ask for much to be honest, money isn't everything, personal happiness is the thing I crave the most. How though can I be happy if I'm not doing the one thing that I enjoy at work? I shouldn't be nothing more than the glourified office junior. That's how it feels like at times, and that isn't fair on me. We recently had a set of job evaluations from the local council, and it's a good job they didn't ask for me to be interviewed, as I would more than likely be demoted as such. My job that I do isn't that of the title that I currently have. I do need to see a copy of my current job description, but as it will meet every job that I do on a regular basis I can't make any sort of complaint. Of course I could site that they are pushing me out on the door in a manner which would not get me anything at a tribunal, but it's hard to prove.

What do I do? I don't know I could phone my union and ask for some help, they have helped me in the past, but would they help me now? I don't know, they should do, but what sort of help could they give me? None I suspect, I know that Janet B, my friend from Sheffield has suggested that I go back to college, but to do that I'd need some money behind me, and as I've got little of that I'm snookered. It's very difficult right now, I've no light at the end of the tunnel of this problem. It's as if I've come out of the biggest tunnel of my life, as in all my previous problems, and after a year or so of clear blue skies, I've now found myself mired in a new tunnel. I have been through a huge tunnel, and knew how to get out of that one, but this one I'm faced with is different, it's very new and I'm scared.

I don't want to get too down with work, I hate being depressed, I've been there and done all of that before. I want to be happy, I feel that I should be happy, but just whenever I get to the point of starting to be happy, something comes along and swipes away the floor from beneath me, and whoosh I fall flat on my face. It hurts that this cycle has been the case for most of my life and what hurts is that not many people can see what I mean in terms of life being so repetively shit towards me. It's never been kind to me, I hate it, but do I want to end it? No I want to prove to myself that I can be happy and that I can have a 12 month period of my life without any serious depression, but to this date I can't recall any of those in my adult life, and nor in my childhood.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

What Have I Done?

"Stop for a minute, think for a minute" was the lyrics of which have just faded out of my media player, as I started this blog. Very poetic as I try and fathom out where everything went wrong at work. I can pinpoint the moment, but that was in another school, that was another lifetime ago, that was another person. Even then, I did no wrong!! Nothing was ever proven!! I've tried and tried to make things work for me at this place. I accept that with all the staff being the staff I've worked with before, it's hard, but I don't deserve the way I'm being treated.

Whispers continue to flow around the school with regards myself, and it's only every now and again that I hear them, other times I don't and god only knows what is being suggested or said about me. Half of it will be fabricated of course, but that isn't problem, it's the fact that these whispers are going around school about me that's the problem. I'm all alone in this place, I don't seem to have anyone to whom I can turn too. It's not nice! I have people who I know I can talk too, but it's nothing like it was, and that's inpart down to myself, and part to them.

Anyway, my mum now knows that I'm looking for alternate work, but she's convinced it could be a bad move for me, yet she isn't the one who almost dreds going to work to see what the latest insult to me will be. I am trained to work with children, I've got more qualifications than some of the staff in that place, and yet I don't get a chance to do what I'm trained to do. I don't want to leave the school, as that's the area I wanted to work in, but when I'm being put upon like I am right now, it's a nightmare. I have no idea what to do. I'm lost in a circle of thoughts as to what I can do. I'm at the point where I feel like doing something really stupid to get sacked, just to get out of that place, with my head held high. When was the last time you heard someone declare they'd want to be sacked to leave with some sort of self respect?? Never I suspect.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Mad Dash

This isn't going to be a big blog as I've only got a few minutes in which to write anything. I should start by saying that I went to the doctors before going to work yesterday. The problem being my arm, as it's been very painful of late if I move it, not all the time, but a lot of the time. Well it seems that I've got a frozen left shoulder which requires physio. Now I'm not that bothered about it, except when I do move it and it hurts like hell. I can carry on at work with it, and not be effected that much.

Work wasn't too bad, I found out that they got a bus company to take the classes out last week, whilst I was off, as they had no other drivers to drive the school minibus. That is scary, as I told the head teacher yesterday that I'll be applying for a job at Barnardo's if it becomes available. That would really leave them up the creek without a paddle as such. I also found that the job they asked me to do last Monday, which kept me in school till 3.30pm when I had asked to go home early, hadn't been completed by anyone else. So that was done yesterday also. I really don't like the fact that they were so desperate for the job to be done last week that they kept me in to do that and yet don't get it finished by someone else.

Still why should I care? It's obvious that I'm not that important in that place and that I shouldn't be concerned about things, but I am and that's the problem. Oh well if I get the chance to go for the job at Barnardo's and do get it, then I'll be able to leave them, and perhaps be happier in my job. It would certainly mean more money and that's something to which I'll be glad of.

Anyway that's the quickest entry that I've done for this place, taking the post for World Aids Day away, as that was just a small note. This was a crazy idea to see how much I could fill in, in a short space of time and also to fill this place down with events in work yesterday.

Monday, December 06, 2004


Whilst trying to find something to inspire me in terms of music I can't help but think that music from yesteryear is far better than anything that we've got today. Whilst I don't wish to discredit some of the artists producing music today, as I'm sure that they are very creative people (some of them), the majority of the music being churned out today is so repetative. I guess there is only so much one can do with a few a notes here or there, but it's very rare these days for me to say I like a new record.

My taste in music is very wide, and very varied, but some of the stuff I currently hear is just so awful.

Rant over, I guess that music is a personal thing and that I should try and put on anyone what they should or shouldn't be listening too. I guess each to there own. I may like heavy metal/nu metal, pop music and indie classic's but that doesn't mean the world has to listen to them. Well it does if it's a band that very few people have listened too. I would have implored a few years back that everyone should go out and buy at least 1 album by a band called James. I still would, but as they no longer perform or record together it's difficult to get people to listen to them.

The question though is this, why do we enjoy different records? Is it the lyrics or the music? Which is the most vital? I'm really not sure, for example I've just listened to a version of Boheimian Rhapsody, who know's what the lyrics were about. The music isn't ground breaking, but the song is as close to perfect as any I know. So why does that song excite me, thrill me when in many area's is just another song? I don't know know? What part of the brain will music hit? I'm not the one to know and haven't got the time to explore right now. What I do know though is that it's something to think about.

This may all be waffle, and in honesty it is, I set off on one track, then stopped and changed tracks. Even so, this was the waffle express and it's gone from the station and circled around back. It was certainly an interesting journey into the waffle of my mind. One which I hope you all enjoyed the scenary wasn't too good today, but it's winter and the graphite grey clouds are slowly lifting out to reveal the blue sky. It's going to be a typical winter's day in Manchester. Cold, damp and in all honesty a long day in work. I'll survive, and I'll have tales to tell afterwards, but it's nothing exciting.


Well it's been almost a week since I last posted in here, and through that time I've had very little energy to do anything. The cold that I had last week really knocked me for 6, as the saying goes. I can't recall anything like it, I was so devoid of energy it was scary.

I did as little as possible last week to be honest, apart from not wanting to, I had so little energy to do what ever. That slowly returned and though Friday I might have been able to go into work, I felt that I should remain at home and make sure that I was alright for today. The weekend was a bit more interesting, in that apart from going to watch United play on Saturday with Lisa, I caught a couple of documentaries on tv, the first one being about the making of Boheimian Rhapsody. Though not as informative as it could have been, it was still very good. Sunday saw me start early and head off up to Lancaster to see a friend of mine do a parachute jump. I had said I'd do it with her a while back, but she didn't tell me she was arranging it. So I watched from the ground as she really enjoyed the experience. I'm very much motivated to do similar, but I did promise my mum I wouldn't. I may have to break a promise.

I then spent the majority of the day at my friend Lauren's place, just chatting and chilling out. It was a real nice way to spend a Sunday, and one I'll repeat in the future no doubt. I got home expecting my mum to be back from her weekend jaunt to Germany, or Cologne to be more specific, but she hadn't arrived by the time I left. I'll see her later today no doubt and I'll find out if she enjoyed herself.

Well it's back to work today and I'm looking forward to it in a way. Though not having to gone is nice, not having to do anything loses it's thrill after a while. I could always play about on my pc, and sure I could pass the day away, but that wouldn't be very constructive and that's something that I do need. I am though thinking of applying for a job at Barnardo's. The person who jumped out of the plane yesterday, is leaving and her post will become available, she's on longer hours than the last set of posts, and though it's normally the longest serving people who get offered the extended hours, no one wants them, or so I'm told. If these hours become available then I'll take them. The pay is far more than I'm being paid right now for similar hours and of course I'll have contact with the children.

It's a bright, clear mind which enters work today, not one full of dred or confusion. Let's hope it stays that way.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Less We Forget

I knew that I had something else to say, and so I do.......

World Aids Day

Less we forget the horror of this disease, let us hope they can find a cure for this soon. It's not just a "gay plauge" anymore, this is a world epidemic, and one no one should forget....

White Rabbit

I was going to post yesterday, but my internet connection went down for the 2nd day running at around the same time. So I write this in a little fear in case it goes down while I'm writing and that I have to rekindle later my thoughts, which as they happen to be few won't be a problem. The thing though of course is what direction I go if I have to stop shortly. As you may well know by now, my writing never remains true to the direction I started off in.

So the weekend came and went, and I did very little. On Saturday just gone I went around early to my mum's, with the intention of going to watch United play at a local pub in the afternoon. That didn't happen as the day went on, I felt worse and worse as I could feel the start of a heavy cold hitting me. I made sure that I had lots to drink, and made sure it was a good drink. Either a powdered paracetamol drink or just hot water with plenty of honey in it. It didn't stop the cold from hitting home over night, and to be honest Sunday morning wasn't something I was looking forward to. I hardly slept over night with my nose being so blocked I kept waking up, and having to clear the sinuses.

Sunday came, and one tired me dragged herself off to Barnardo's as I was driving for the Sunday activity group. It wasn't too bad, all the children lived near each other, I knew the run and could do it in no time at all. Plus we were going to see "The Incredibles", which I really enjoyed. Taking away the Disney schmultz, it was a very well made film. Once over it was time to return the children to where they once came, go grab some lunch and go for another set of children for the afternoon group. We took that group to the European Market in Manchester city centre. It was really nice to take them, and for them to experience the sights and smells of this thing. With all the cooking of hotdogs and the various crepe' stalls. With the never ending aroma of mulled wine, all it needed was a layer of snow to make it feel like Christmas in Novemeber.

By the time I got home though I was dead on my feel and just wanted to drop. I had to get some tea together for myself and so I had to think quickly and effectivily. Once I'd eaten I was ready for my bed, but my body just wouldn't shut down like that and so reluctantly I made myself stay up, till I was falling asleep before going to bed. Again another night of constantly waking up, but as it was Monday I went into school. More so as I've got a secondary job for Barnardo's which is related to school, and that takes place on Monday afternoon's every so often. I should have been working, but the child who I work with was off ill, and thus meaning that I had nothing to do after school. I did my best and had already had permission to leave work after lunch, I was in a bad state. It was then I was given another job, which I felt wouldn't take long, but took the rest of the day. I wasn't happy!!! So by yesterday morning I just couldn't do it, and had to phone in sick. I spent the day at home, with hot water bottle and quilt keeping me warm all day.

Now we enter December, I can mention Christmas and start looking forward to it, I can stop complaining about the amount of houses which have had decorations up before December 1st, as this is now officially the Christmas month. As today is the first of the month let me shout out! WHITE RABBIT, I don't know why we do that, but it's supposed to be good luck. I hope so. I do feel better than I did, but am I well enough for work? I'd possibly make it through the day, but I'm tired, and my energy reserves aren't what they use to be. I need to recharge the batteries. That's a sign of old age I think, which scares me as I'm not that old to be old. Though I'm no longer the youngest member of staff at work, and I'm seen as the wise old sage at Barnardo's to some volunteers, it doesn't help one's self image in that respect. I'm only just bordering on middle age in many respects, though a couple of hundred years ago I'd be considered old for the "class" I'm in.

Whilst typing this blog I'm aware that for the first month I kept altering the colours of the text on each post, I'm not sure if some of them worked too well on the background I had, and has it wasn't a long month as I only started this thing half way through the month I had no trouble in not repeating a colour. I've been thinking, whilst typing what to do this month, and I'm not sure. I've many options open to me, but I do like the idea of different coloured text as a easy sign to show that a "new" blog is posted. I may decide to stick with colour codes for days, I don't know yet. This is why I'm throwing this into the pot here, if any of you have any further idea's as to which colours work the best, or if the idea that on Wednesday's is should be say green, and Thursday's red then tell me. I'm open to suggestions, I may be in control here, but my mind is in overdrive and can easily befuddle itself.

Now that is out of the way I can carry on with the show, and I'm unsure of what the show was in the first place. I know I mentioned my class, I meant my social class and not the class that I would like to be in at school, but that is another arguement, and one which hurts. I've been there before here, and it will be here again with no doubt. Though I feel that the social classes are much closer together than at any point in history, and that the monies in each class has increased I do think that it still exists. People may not think it does, but for me it does and to a point always will. I don't know the "class system", I'm not a lover of it, but as a way of making social distinctions for others it works and is definable even today. It's better than it was two or three hundred years ago, and I'm happy that we have moved on.

Something noticable has just struck me, after having a small mental block on what I was going to write after the last paragraph. I should have ended the blog then, but while I was wanting to write further, I couldn't think of anything else to write. I started to think that I'd exhausted everything, but I knew I hadn't and felt I would be cheating who ever was reading this page. I know I could have come back and entered something else for today, which might well happen, but right now I know I have something else to say. I still can't think what it is, and that's bothering me. I started this paragraph with saying something struck me and it has. Whilst in the middle of the mental block I realised that I hadn't put any music on so far today, which is a bit unusual for myself, and then it hit me. Whilst writing and listening to music, I normally don't think as much when I'm writing and go off at greater tangents than I have done today. I'm not sure if that is pure inspiration or it's the freedom of my mind as the music takes up another part of my brain. It's odd, it's unreal, but it's something else to perhaps keep a watch on.

So I'll leave this post here, and as I mentioned WHITE RABBIT before, the text will be white today, as that's part of the title.

Friday, November 26, 2004


A very quick blog this one, I guess it's only being done to make someone happy, as I fear I've upset him. He won't accept that I've upset him, but I know I have. What have I done to upset someone? Well I've been posting here now for nearly 2 or 3 weeks now and haven't mentioned his name once. I'm sure that he'll complain to me that he isn't hurt or upset, but I can tell. He's beening very quiet with me, and using excuses as to why he's being quiet. I've been there before and know the signs.

So PETER in Denmark, or ENGINEER in Denmark, this blog is for you....... Peter, you have proved to be a valuable friend, Thank You.

p.s notice how I even have coloured this post in a mark of respect to you.......

End of one Journey

So here I am at the end of another working week, and I feel ok. I hope that I can say the same tonight, and that nothing goes wrong at work today. I've had enough of that happening to be honest, though with all due respect I can't see anything going wrong, apart from some major disaster.

Well the title suggests some sort of journey's end, and that's how I see what went on yesterday. I've been attending a hospital clinic for over 4 years now, probably more like 5 years, but I'm not counting just yet. Anyway, yesterday saw me traverse the country to the city of Leeds. Not one of my favourite towns as it has a tendancy to dislike Manchester/Salford with the type venom that can cause riots and deaths. Enough of that, as I said for the past few years I've made regular visits to this city and more so to the two main hospitals in it, and yesterday I was discharged from one. Now that is something that I sort of expected and was happy to do, but in a way it's a sad day to say goodbye. For all I've said previously about the city of Leeds, I've now got very little excuse to go and visit it, but yet in terms of shopping and things, I've got a soft spot for it. I guess the hospital visits have perhaps clouded my judgement.

By being discharged the end of one part of my life's journey is now complete, and the next journey is just about to start, I've mentioned in the past week about that journey here, and so you know all about it. I described it as closing the gate on what has gone on and though it's not shut 100% locked, it's not likely to be opened up real soon. The past is the past and though for the main I want to forget the past, I've got to embrace it at times and accpet that it is the past no matter how much I want to forget about it. So having climbed Everest, I'm now at the foothills of K2, such is the journey of my life.

Going away from my life in the past, and the future, I met up with Janet last night. It was only the second time in about 2 months we've met after a very long time apart. Janet is a star, a former volunteer at Barnardo's with me, and to be honest she was every bit as capable of doing the job of Assistant Playleader as I was, in fact she'd have made a better Playleader. Still that wasn't her career calling. Mind you, we should have spotted her career calling at that point, the amount of beer that we both consumed should have suggested something. Still as we hadn't seen or heard from each other for just over 7 years to hear from her again via,
was something of a happy shock. Lot's has happened to me since we'd last spoke so I've had to cram that into the couple of meetings, but Janet being the star she is, has been fine about it.

So it is that I'm free of one hospital, I'm waiting to hear from two others, well three if I'm honest, but the third one won't get in touch I know that, as it's been way too long since they said they'd get back to me and haven't. I do wish they would as that's in Leeds also and an excuse to go over there again would be nice. One of the other two is local and is dealing with the liver situation, whilst the second one is in the city of Leicester. I'm awaiting a date for surgery from them, and hope it's going to be sometime soon. I'm not holding my breath, but hey that's life I guess, it's all about patience. Once these two hospitals are done with me, I'm on my own again, and free of the medical world, in some way. I know that I'll be a regular at the doctor's even if it's just for the regular prescriptions I have, but that's not like being a regular hospital visitor.

A side note here..... I've mentioned two Janet's so far in my blog's. Janet above is English and a very good friend. The other is Janet from Canada, it was her inspiration which got me writing this blog as such. It would be corny to refer to Janet in Canada as J-Lo, I'm sure she's heard that one before so many times. Even worse would be to call her JC, with reference to her nationality. So I think it's going to be something of a read and make a guess as to which one I'm refering to. Of course I can't just go out for a drink with someone in Canada can I??? Anyway, Janet, you may be far away in Canada but have a great Birthday today won't ya, your a great person and don't let anyone say otherwise.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

On This Day

Today isn't the greatest in the calendar for myself. Two hero's of mine are remembered fondly on this day, for very different reasons. 24th Novemeber 1991 will be remembered as the day Freddie Mercury died, an icon in terms of music for me. I love all music, but Queen transcended styles and genre to produce great music. For them to lose Freddie killed the band and killed the music. I can still recall hearing the words that "Freddie Mercury is dead", it would be 2am GMT and I was lay in bed in my bedroom at my parents house. I knew Aids killed, I was old enough to understand how much of an unknown disease this was. I hoped that they'd find a cure in time for Freddie, but alas it wasn't too be. I still don't know why I woke up at 2am, just as the radio news was to go on air, and as if even spookier I just sat bolt upright, as if I was expecting something bad.

The second reason why today is remembered is, it's my dad's birthday today, and though he isn't with us anymore he's still a hero to me. I know we had our major fallings out, and by all accounts at the end he didn't want anything to do with me, but he was my dad, he was a hero of mine. I miss him lot's and today brings it home to me just how much I miss him. My sister and other family members may not realise just how much I loved him, and how much I miss him. I can sense him occasionally, not often, but at times I know he's around.

So as I remember the hero's it's hard to allow myself much joy. Today is all about my memories of my dad, and the untold joy in the music of Queen.

As for me in general, well things are going to be ok, I know that, but it's just got to take some time to do so. I've got to realise just how much and how far I can go in the immediate future, and how after that I'm going to get things straight. I know that I've got outstanding debts to reclaim soon, but that's not bothering me right now. What is, is how I solve the other problems that I'm faced with on a daily basis. I do need help, and I know it's going to take special help, but who can and who will give that help? I don't know, I really don't know. That though has always been my problem I guess. There is no one local to help me, no one who has stayed around or is within touching distance of helping out.......... That's the price for being shy I guess, or picking the real clever people as friends, in other words those that move out of town.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Short and Sweet

I've not got a lot of time to put up a post, so no real insight into my mind I guess, though knowing me that will be totally incorrect and I'll come out with something huge now. Isn't that called Murphy's Law or something?? Well it's Monday morning the start of the working week for myself and though this week is a little less hetic as I'm not doing the normal voluntary groups, I'm a little apprehensive. I've got to take a child to respite tonight after school, then tomorrow is a soccer game at Old Trafford. Wednesday I've got no agenda for after school, whilst on Thursday I've got another hospital appointment over in Leeds. Friday I'll be tired and knackered from the night before I guess, so it's going to be running on memory, but I do increasingly look like I'll go up to Lancaster to see some friends for a night or two.

It seems as if the week's planned out, which in a way is good, but in others is bad. When I've got lot's of things planned like this, the week seems to drag on and on. It will be a long week, as I will as soon as the first thing is started I'll be looking at the next thing and waiting for it to happen. It's crazy really, but is it human nature or just me? That's something for me to try and figure out I guess.

I'm feeling well enough not to claim any more time off work this year, that is touch wood unless I get a really nasty bug. I've already got the liver thing to look forward to for next year, which as far as I'm aware is only a day thing. I've also got another hospital stay to come, which will mean a two week period off work. I wish in some way that would be now, as it would give me chance to go to the cinema on the cheap, and in peace and quiet. I don't like going to the movies late on anymore. I'm so used to going during the day and having the near freedom of the cinema. I can't be picky though can I, and I should get along to see the films I want to see, which include the latest Bridget Jones and the Incredibles. The one movie I want to see, which so far hasn't got a British release date is a small movie in the States, called "We Don't Live Here Anymore", it looks really good, and of course it's got some very good looking actors in it, namely Peter Krause. That's enough of my fantasy right now, see I've done it, a little bit of my mind has slipped out.........

This morning's veiw from the window is that of deep fall, the leaves on most of the trees have fallen, the golden hues now prevail on the dark green grass that was once a lush green. The trees are swaying in a cold heavy breeze and the sky once again is blue, though with a few clouds. I can't see it being much longer before we get a good snow flurry. We had a scattering of snow last Thursday, but it didn't stick. Here's to Christmas when it comes in December!!!

Sunday, November 21, 2004


How to begin this blog? Where to take this blog? It's a difficult question right now, and one I've no original answer too. I start this just before 11pm and around 9pm I had an idea as to what to write about and how to expand on that topic. I had though planned to have a bath tonight, and I knew that if I didn't do it then, I'd end up having to shower before work tomorrow, so I headed off to the bath, too a magazine to read (the match programme from the United game I went to yesterday), and have forgot what I was going to write about.

It's strange really, how in a short space of time you can forget something, which at the time was important to yourself. I guess it can't have been that important as I've forgot it, where as other things stick. I really don't understand the way the memory works.

This weekend has seen me try and calm myself down and take a good look at myself. I know that things need to alter and that I need to return to doing things which will help me and have a positive effect on my life. Oh the joy's of taking tablets, I love it. Maybe that will help me more than I can imagine, but they are but a small part of what I must do, I almost need to rebrand myself. That's going to be the hardest thing I've done for a while. I've found myself in a safe road over the past couple of years or so, and need to start jumping back into the traffic. That way I can make those roads safe for myself and make the roads I've crossed even more unsafe for me to enter. I know it's asking lot's of me and it's going to take some time, perhaps as long as a year or two, but it has to be done. I shall not rest till it's completed and I'm happier than I am. It's strange in many ways, but I am happier now than at any other time of my life, but yet I'm still unhappy with myself. I've been lazy, I am lazy and that needs to be kicked away. Let's get the cobwebs dusted off and let the work begin.

So apart from contemplating the above the whole of the weekend, what else has gone on? Very little, though I'm feeling down from all the thinking I know that by the start of next week I'll feel refreshed again. This coming week see's me meeting up with a long time friend called Janet. Not the same Janet, who inspired this site, but another Janet, one whom has known me for what I think is around 10 years now. We've only recently got back in touch with each other though after about 6 or 7 years apart, and things are really neat. Janet knew the old me, and possibly can see all the positive changes within me, that I don't see. I know that she like a lot of people see me so much more differently to the way I see myself, and perhaps that's something to look into and try and work out why that is. It's certainly something of a mystery, as to why my perception of myself is so different to what others think. Anyway we are meeting up on Thursday and possibly on Friday, I may pop up to Lancaster to see another couple of friends, which will not be decided till Friday afternoon and how I feel about a drive up to see them.

Something that I have noticed and something which I can gain from this weekend, is that I'm so much calmer than I ever was. I would suggest that in the past, the conversation between Lisa and myself on Friday would have led to me becoming clinically depressed, and would have led to a real crisis. Now, I find myself getting down for sure, but not to the the extent I would have done in the past and certainly not letting myself get down to the point of depression. Yes, I know that I snapped at a few people over the weekend, but didn't snap at Lisa, more of a defense thing I guess. I did make an effort this weekend and though I don't know if it worked, it wasn't too hard to change things. If I can continue to be calm, then as time goes by, perhaps I'll leave depression behind me for good and be able to concentrate on being really positive on myself. The day that happens, the world had better watch out, I'm telling you that now. This blog page may see plenty of negatives from myself and may reach some real lows, but if I ever turn positive then I dread to think how much sickly these pages could get. I'll leave you all to ponder that one.

Friday, November 19, 2004


Why am I so destructive? Why do I do things which hurt or upset others?? Why am I so difficult to get along with? I really don't know the answer to this question, it's bloody frustrating. Whilst I like to be the easiest person in the world to get along with, I go out of my way to destroy people or friendships for no reason.

Why is it that Lisa, is the only person who has ever lasted as a close friend for years? Everyone else moves out of the galaxy in terms of me. I know it has to be down to me! It's always my fault, I drive them away either by being hurtful towards them, or in there eyes for being selfish. I wouldn't say I'm selfish, but others seem to think so. Maybe I am, but nobody ever tells me till it's too late.

Flutuation in mood here, right now I'm feeling rather shitty. I know the reason why and it hurts. It hurts because I know the answers, some of the answers lie in the world of money, and others lie in the world of my mind. Why the hell am I like this, I'm a failure a failure for sure. I hate myself, I wish I hadn't been born to be honest, it's horrible. For all the good people say I do in the job I do and the volunteering, I don't see it, infact I do that as it's the only thing I know, and let's be honest, neither Barnardo's nor school really want me. I know that for sure and I sure as hell don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I can't kill myself, it would be unfair on Lisa, it would be unfair on my mum and neice. I just want everything to end, I lead a pointless life. I can't further the human race, I don't offer anything constructive to anyone else, so why should I bother with anything. Nothing ever goes right for me, no one likes me, even Lisa I suspect puts up with me.

You know, I feel worse than the dog shit that you stand in. I'm worth less than that, and yet I still force myself upon people, I torture people by talking to them. WHY do I do this? The only thing it does is foster the pretense that I am ok, but in fact I'm not. If I were an animal I'd be put down.

I appologise for polluting the atmosphere with my breath, I need to repay you all, but how the hell do I do that?? I don't know how, I haven't got the money to do so. Money isn't everything, but to hell it would make my life a bit easier.

The Force

I seem to be fluctuating in moods this week, while not quite on top form, my mood is far greater today than it was yesterday and that of Wednesday. I have a clear idea as to why that is and to a point I'm not going to divulge that reason just yet, but it is due to self image.

The question is where is this entry going to take me? I started it, with no sense of direction, nor for need to rant, like the previous entry. I guess this is a magical mystery tour of my mind. That can be good, while that can be bad as well, but it's rarely neutral. As I peer out the window, and can see the soft hues of a sunrise creeping across the clear sky, I can see the first frosts of this winter and now can confirm that summer and Autumn is gone for another year. Another year, where I can look back on lot's of things, more positive than negative I think, and a year where I've learnt how to control my negativity. Yes, I've had times where I've wanted to leave work, as I wasn't enjoying it (I'm still not to be honest, but that's been told). I've had problems with other people as well, but in years gone by I'd have curled up and wanted to die. This year, I may have cried wolf on that a couple of occasions, but I can't say that I ever hit the bottom, and apart from a few weeks around the end of May/start of June did I break from smooth level of sanity.

This may contradict what I said in terms of my mind being either good or bad, but for me it's easy to understand. What I mean is that I don't see any middle in things, something is either good or bad, left or right, top or bottom. A collective of negative things, and by negative I mean things that aren't what I expect or want, and I'm down, and of course the opposite is true of positive. Sanity though is different. Sanity is the important to everyone, dip below the line of Sanity and you can do crazy things, below isn't good, it's fueled by anger and frustration all of which are forms of the darkside. Crazy things can be done going beyond the line of Sanity, but they are the light side in a way, appreciation and understanding can lead myself to going beyond the point.

I'm happy that it's Friday, of course. It's the end of the working week, and United are playing at home. This means that Lisa is coming up, which she is doing tonight, and we may go out for a meal. I know full well that should this not happen, I'll be a bit down, but that's just me. I'm aware that she may not be up in time or much feel like going for a meal after driving up from Milton Keynes, but hey it's something to look forward too for myself. I've also got an hospital appointment this afternoon, where I'll find out the results of a liver test and scan that I had way back in April. Now if anything was wrong I'm sure that I would have been called back sooner than now, so I'm feeling positive about this. My liver seems to operate at a higher rate than most, I know this through having regular blood tests for well over two years. My liver base line results seem to be at the very high end of the "normal" scale, which has concerned a lot of doctors, but nothing seems to have come of this right now. I just hope that I'm correct in my presumption.

All things come to an end and my mind has drawn a blank in terms of where to take this post, so I'm going to call it quits and possibly stick on the second disc from the Shrek 2 dvd I've got. I've yet to see any of that yet.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004


It's been a weird day today, nothing seems to have been alright, no matter what I did something always went wrong. I'm not sure why, as I've felt so good about things yesterday, and yet right now, I'm alone in my room and feeling rather miserable.

Perhaps, it's an image thing, perhaps it's just the way I am? I really don't have much of a clue on this one right now. I wish that I could remain positive, but it's just not happening today. I really should do something, but in fairness what I want to do is something I don't want to do. I want to go make something to eat, and enjoy it. Having concluded that I want to diet, I've got to stop eating snacks as such. I've got to cut out lot's of things, I've got to start exercising again, but I don't. Self motivation is lacking and that is something that scares me. I never did feel bad about getting on my bike and riding miles, I never was scared of doing some form of exercise, but right now I am. I'm not over weight, most people will tell me that I am ok, but then I look at them and think no, your way thinner than I am, and I've got to get down to being like that. I consider myself fat, ugly and unlikeable. I don't LOVE myself, I don't LIKE, myself. I accept myself, but that's about it.

This isn't good, this isn't positive, I don't need a break right now, I've just had one. I don't think this has anything to do with work either, this is down to me!!

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

So here we are still tired after the weekend away, but loving every minute of it. I could have done with a bit longer away from Manchester perhaps or even work, but I'm feeling that it's helped cheer me up.

For those of you who don't know me, I've not been happy at work over the past few months and of course when that happens I get unhappy elsewhere. In other words I let work effect my general mood, and I have been quite depressive over the past year or so, nothing to serious as to think or contemplate suicide on a real basis, but serious enough to think of leaving. Working in a school in England is great as you get regular breaks through each term. For example the last week of October this year, we were off school for a week. Then come Christmas we'll have a 2 week holiday. I'm fully aware that other nations do things differently, so that's why I have explained this.

Anyway, towards the middle of October, I'd had enough of my current job, I was going to look for other work and had even asked my head teacher if she would be a reference for me, as most places want a reference from a current employer. She hadn't expected me to ask for this and after a few tears from my part on why I felt the way I did, I agreed that I had to go away and really look again into things. That's something that I did, mainly during the last holiday. I didn't do much voluntary work, knowing that I'd see most of the same children and to a point it would feel like work. Also having had surgery in the summer of 2003, I'd really hadn't had a break from work since returning to work in December of the same year. I felt really exhausted in September going back to work after summer playschemes. This holiday I did as little as I could and thought long and hard. I know it's work that get's me down, and that I have to see why that is. I can't pin it to just one thing, but it helps to know what the triggers are. I came to the decision that my future would be decided on how quickly I got depressed with school.

After the first week back I was ok, but in the second week back, which was last week things started to get to me, and I started to feel like it was a chore to go to work. I love the job, but when I'm not interested in going I know something is wrong. Going back to the start of this post, I said that the past weekend had cheered me up, well it has and I'm not feeling as down with work this weekend. So perhaps this is the answer to my problems, maybe now I've bought a car, and can go and see my friends I won't be as unhappy as I have been. It's the short breaks that break up the routine of staying in Manchester. Again another brief history lesson. Since 1989, I've not been on holiday outside of the UK, since 1989 the longest spell outside of the town of my abode is a week away in October 2002. I don't holiday, I don't have breaks. Maybe it's that, which has caused me problems, I've not been able to let go of them as I've been surrounded by them... It's a theory which I've developed over the course of this post and one which I'll certainly be looking at again. I've got to go up to Lancaster to see my friends up there soon, so if I leave it a couple of weeks and then go, I'll find myself refreshed for Christmas.

Whoever is reading this blog on a regular basis, can be the people who may be able to tell me if this theory is true. You are the ones who'll read the posts when I'm down and those when I'm on the up. This is perhaps a breakthrough for me, I'm certainly going to ask my friend Lisa to keep an eye on things.

Monday, November 15, 2004


It's been a couple of days since I wrote in here, and it's not because I've had nothing to write or that I've grown bored of writing down things, it's just that I've been a bit busy on Thursday and Friday, plus of course I was away in Winchester at my best friends wedding celebrations....

So considering all the uncertainty that I had created in my own head about the road trip I went, and did I enjoy myself?? Yes, I certainly did though for those there it might have seemed like | didn't, but that was always going to be the case as I was the only person apart from my best friend who was from Manchester. I was alone in the middle of a pub, without anything other than a drink and an occasional chat with my friend or her husband. That sounds awful I know, but they did have lots of people to talk too, and most people who were there knew each other as well. We've all been to such things and if in circumstances similar to the one I faced, you may find yourself in a similar situation. Not being too confident with myself to really jump in on anyone who I didn't know didn't help.

Strange thing was I did get lonely, I did want out, I did want someone to talk too for most of the night, but I wouldn't have missed that for anything. I know they asked me to go away with them, when they got married, in Vegas, but I couldn't afford either the money or time off work to join them. I would have crawled down to Winchester for this shindig, after all Lisa is the greatest friend anyone could ask for and she's certainly my best friend. I'm just honoured to have her as a friend.

Still after 10 or 11 drinks I was ready for bed early on Sunday morning, knowing that I couldn't care less about the world. I slept well enough in the bed and breakfast place I was in, handy it was the pub where we'd had the party. I knew I didn't have to struggle home to bed, it was just up the stairs and fall into bed. Well I didn't, I made myself a cup of coffee before bed, and watched some tv. Though I can't really recall what I saw, I know it was football, but hey it was late and I was drunk. The breakfast wasn't the greatest, but hey what did I expect, a meal from a 5star chef?? Although I was hoping to find a said chef's shop whilst out and about in Winchester I didn't find it thoguh!!

Winchester is a nice place, or should I be honest?? Yes, honesty is the best, it's very nice in the sense of all the historical buildings and the importance it's played in the history of this country, but..... They have built up the town around the old place and it's a mish mash of old and new, often blighting the beauty of the original town. Of course, a lot of the original town will have been lost, but I think that something like Chester or York is how I sort of expected Winchester to be. It reminded me of Lancaster, to which I do enjoy going to, apart from seeing my friends Lauren and Leanne up there, I just enjoy Lancaster. During a walk around on Saturday, I noticed how similar to Lancaster, Winchester was in the way the city has been built, and how they've used the older buildings. I don't know what it is though, but I could go and live in Lancaster tomorrow, but I couldn't do the same with Winchester. At this point, let me say something. In a previous post, I mentioned my dislike for churches, and that I really don't like even going in them. I didn't exactly go into the Cathedral in Winchester, but yesterday afternoon, I was just walking around the front of the said building and the sheer size and beauty of it was beholding. I admit that I just sat down on the pavement (sidewalk for those of you in Canada and the US who), and let the world go by me for a good 10 minutes while I took in the sheer elegance of the place. I may hate the church, but the building capivated me.

So too the journey home yesterday. I was expecting a call from my best friend to tell me what her plans were for the day around lunch time. I had intended to watch the football match with them, either at there place or in a pub. What was required was the information from them as to where. After leaving the pub where I'd spent the night and sorted out the bill, I wandered around Winchester looking at everything either for the first time or the second time. Taking in the beauty of things and reading all I could. I do like history, it was my second subject whilst doing the first two years of my teaching degree, that's another story. Anyway, after wandering around for ever and a day I decided that enough was enough and went and got my car. Went to the local supermarket to get some snacks for the journey back, not many though as I had the intention of stopping for a meal. On getting into the car, I put a bit more fuel in, mainly so that I would last the rest of the week with fuel apart from putting fuel in today.

After fueling the car up, I went to sit back in my car, and disaster, my jeans rip... All the way from the below the belt line, down through the back pocket seam and beyond. How could I carry on, the only thing to do was to call my friend, she wasn't in though! I had to find somewhere to get changed, where no one would see me. I did find somewhere to put my shorts on, and on my return to go home I saw my friend and subsequently went to her place and watched the soccer, but it was far too cold to wear shorts on the journey home. I put on another pair of jeans and off I trotted, with the intention of stopping to eat somewhere in the country. That though didn't happen! I sped off around 6pm from Winchester, it's a 3 1/2 hour drive, and so I wasn't expecting to be home till around 11pm, if I stopped to eat that was. After getting going I was thinking of what to have, and decided that after getting past Birmingham, I'd come off the M6, and grab a pizza somewhere on the A34 road. I'd traversed this road coming up and down to Winchester, or should I point out that it runs from Manchester right the way down to Portsmouth, but it's a winding road up beyond Birmingham, and nothing like the motorway like continuation beyond Birmingham. I didn't find a single Pizza shop on the correct side of the road from leaving the M6, the only 2 pizza places I found were on the other side of the road, and both meant doing U-turns about a mile or so up the road. I couldn't be bothered, so I was back in Eccles before I ate. I gotta say that I loved the pizza I had last night....

Just as a side note, I bought myself a new mobile while in Winchester. It's a dragonfly mobile, it's really nice, but really big. If you are confused by what I mean, it's not a cell phone, as mobile is what we Brit's call them. This is the hanging thing that are mainly hung in children's room, in an attempt to help them sleep. I collect these things, and love them to bits. I've around 20 mobiles or things dangling in my room, and you have to understand I only have the one room to live in. I'm slowly running out of room to hang things from....

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Slow day, today to be honest. Apart from doing nothing of real worth at school, I haven't done a lot since. I ended up helping out on the reception all day which wasn't productive and tomorrow I don't wish to think about. I'm due to take a class to Manchester Cathedral for a rememberance service. I just don't like churches or religion. So I may well ask the head teacher if I'm allowed to sit in the minibus or park it up and go shopping for a short time rather than sitting in the church, I object that much.

To further the point made this morning about the light bulb, it's still not fixed as it seems the light fitting itself is the problem and not just the bulb. So I'll phone up the landlords tomorrow and get it fixed asap.

Enough of this although it's fairly early, my pc is working on a go slow right now, I know why, but It's my own fault as I'm over loading it and need to ease the pressure off it.

What should I read??

Here's an interesting thing. I have a habit of interpreting things in a completely wrong way. For example, my best friend's party this weekend. I know she want's me down there, I was invited to attend the wedding, but as it was in Vegas in term time I had no option in a way of saying no, plus the money I saved went on buying me a car, which will get me down to this party on Saturday. With due respects to my other friends, whom have invited me to their weddings this year, this is by far the biggest occasion for me. The sign's though weren't good when I was told no room at my friend's house as they didn't expect me to be able to get down to them, as she didn't know I'd bought a car. Then when talking over this past weekend, I, that is ME, picked up a vibe that I wasn't really wanted. I know it too be untrue, but none the less that is what I took, why I don't know. It's not stopping me, as I'll only go mad if I don't go.

Anyway, with that in mind, I woke up this morning put the kettle on, switched the pc on and the water boiler. Needing to go to the toilet, I switched off my small bedside light and then turned the main light on, whilst departing the room to the toilet. On coming back the light bulb in the room had blown. This is the strange thing, for someone who reads anything into everything, I'm not at all bothered over the light bulb. I could be thinking that it's symbolic of the type of day I'm going to have, in other words, dark and failing. I could think that I'm going to blow something I've worked for, for ages. Then again, all it is, is a mechanicall item, which has seen it's last day.

Why then, do I mis read others, and not symbolic things like the like bulb? Is is the mechanical isn't biological and that it doesn't have a mind of it's own. It can't have ulterior motivies as all it's done is broken due to wear and tear? Yet, my friends and other people can hide the meanings of words, can disguise how they feel about me?? Am I insecure to be this way? I really don't know. Having been through extensive counselling, and lived with a counseller for a year or so, you'd have thought that I would know something. Well I do, but it's not enough to know myself. I've had to deal with other things in a way, before dealing with myself, and it's only been 15 months that I've been able to learn about myself. It takes years to find out who you are, and most people don't find out till they are around 16 or 18 years of age. By that reasoning I've got a long way to go till I fully understand myself, and be able to say what really makes me tick.

Perhaps acceptance and actions when I decided on what needed doing would have helped, I'd have been much further down the line in terms of knowing myself. Again though, right now I still feel insecure about the way I look, and maybe it's that, and that it's that which holds me back. This is a thoguht that has just crossed my mind. If I were to be happy with how I look, then maybe that would give me sufficient confidence to hold my head up and not to hide. Right now though the confidence in how I look, though not at an all time low, is certainly lower than most people. I've a long, long way to go. Cosmetic surgery isn't an option in some ways, I know what needs doing, and though I'm happy to accept some surgical help in my quest, it won't be for work on my face. If I were confident about the way I look, would I be writing this blog? I don't know it's speculative, in as much that I may still be unhappy, I may be the type of person that will never be happy, will always read negatives out of anything. That line makes me laugh, as I was going to say that the only thing I find that takes me away from this is watching or playing sports. Then though I look at how my mind works there, I have and give plenty of time to the players who aren't acheiving what they could do. I see signs of positiveness in them, that others don't. Why can't I find something positive about myself, which would be a start??

Then it comes to identifying the problem, and that's another area of mischief. I've found that nothing has two sides, that between Black and White there are infinate shades of grey which need examining. For most problems I'll find at least an Octaganal shape with problems on every side, and though I can see them, and even look at each side and how it effects the problem, it doesn't make it easier to solve. If anything it effects the way it can be solved, as I look into the effects it will have on each individual side and what side effects of one move will have onto another and the domino effect around to create more problems.....ARRGGGGHHHHHH

You see, you may have thought that this read would be straight forward, you might have thought this might be interesting, I might have thoguht that this would be interesting, but what ever it is, it's certainly a help to me. It's like the pensive from Harry Potter, my minds thoughts and workings are being dumped into here. People may know me better, than I know myself after reading these at some point.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004


Well it's also been a full day without any addition to my blog, but as I've not been around to contribute it's no great shakes. Today has been a mixed day in a way. School wasn't that bad, as I did something that made me feel as if I contributed, whilst hiding away from everything else. This evening I went to the football, and though the game wasn't the best, it was certainly better than sitting at home and doing nothing at all. That's how I would have spent the evening otherwise, and at least I was entertained.

So whilst things in the main have been positive other things which might negate my mood have risen, but haven't really knocked me off the positive mood I'm in right now. I know that I'm too late now to apply for a job with Barnardo's where I volunteer for, not that I want to work for them in a way. I could probably walk into a job there, but having been turned down once before (on my interview), and also knowing the attitude of some staff to my views on how that place should be ran is another reason for not applying. It's strange as I've volunteered there for 17 or 18 years now, only 2 members of staff preceed me there, and yet, I'm still not listened too. They listen when they want information or when they want me, but no other times. That frustrates the hell out of me, but I don't do anything about it. I do what I do best and that's bottle it up and then take it out on myself.

Having ranted on about Barnardo's I should point out that I love volunteering for them, they let me do what I'm best at, and that's working with children directly. It was volunteering for them at the tender age of 15 that altered my life, in that I recognised that I had a talent for working with children and that I really enjoyed it. While a lot of my peers were sat at home or going shopping with there friends during our summer holidays (all 6 weeks of them), I'd spend 2 or 4 days a week, working on playscheme's and feeling really good about it. So much so that nearly 2 decades later I'm still doing the same thing. I may complain about lack of holidays, and that's due to two reasons, cost and secondly Barnardo's. I'd be lost without Barnardo's summer playscheme's and as the prices of holidays increases in school time, I find it hard to afford any sort of holiday abroad.

Again I'm in a mixed zone, after going on about how positive I am, how cheerful I feel, I sit here having written the previous paragraph and feel nothing within me. I can't find enthusiasm to continue with that thread, and yet I know it would be correct to do so. It's an impossible mood me thinks, and one to try and solve. On Saturday I'm going down to Winchester to see Lisa, now that's going to be around a 3 or 4 hour car drive. That's no problem for me, it's just not having a car radio to listen too that's the problem. What I know I'll do is explore everything that I have felt this week and probably over the past couple of months. If I can't sort my head out after this road trip, then I'm going to have to really sit down and do something. Life is too short to complicate things, and we as human's have the habit of complicating things for ourselves, we are at times our own worst enemies.

Abstract morning

Here again, and possibly another 20 or 30 minute blast from my mind as to how I feel or what I want. I'm not quite sure of what I'm going to write at this point. I've just set off on this blog to see where it can take me. It's looks like a typical English Novemeber day outside, which doesn't thrill me, but at least it's not chucking it down with rain.

I was due to take a class to a farm this morning, but as the class teacher isn't in, and only 2 of the children would have been going it's been cancelled. That's fine by me, as we went there last week, and for the life of me I don't know what the children got out of it. Apart from perhaps being out of class and seeing the animals nothing. What made it worse was that this was a working farm, and thus it was awful trying to push wheelchairs through muddy fields. I was thinking they'd have some sort of path, but no. So yeah, I'm glad were not going in many respects. That means I've a morning in school, in which I bet I'll be doing a variety of jobs, unless I decide to go down to the library and add another 40 or 50 books into the computer. At least I can then listen to some music (I shouldn't really, but that job's so tedious I have too do something).

Tonight I'm going to Old Trafford football ground to watch Manchester United play Crystal Palace, which will be fun. As it's not a league game, it's likely to be more of a second team playing. Not good if you can't get a ticket of the regular games, but for myself it's neat to see some of the younger players getting a chance. This leads on nicely, to the first mention of Lisa, my best friend. Even if she lives in Winchester she'll travel up for the game. We've known each other since we were very young. I'm 4 days older than she is, and we've been to kindergarden, school, high school together. We went our seperate ways at college level, but have remain close throughout the years. Even though I've got a biological sister, Lisa knows me better and is closer to me than her, and I regard her as my sister. It's with joy that I'm going to go down this weekend to Winchester, to celebrate her recent marriage.

Lisa, will always be there for me, and me for her, I could never ever imagine in finding a friend as good and as strong as she has been will be. If I consider myself to be generally unlucky and that's something that will come up quite often, then the one thing I've been lucky in is friendship.

Refering back to the fact I'm going to a soccer match. I've always been very sporty, I enjoy most sports and would love to be more active in them than I currently am. Soccer is my first love, followed by Hockey (Ice) and then a whole batch in third spot. I watch every sport that I can, and whilst at school had an encyclopedic memory for sports knowledge. With time and other things going on, I've stopped reading every sporting story I can over the years, maybe it's age or just interest. I've still got the love of sport, but it's not life and death. As I talked about suicide in my previous entry, I've had to deal with many things, and thus sport has taken it's place next to me in the passenger seat.

So another 20 minute journey into my mind has taken place and I don't know what you'll have found from this little bit of me, but I don't care, this is ME, I'm ME, and what I've written is in a way for ME. Well that's how it set out, and if it goes away from there then I don't care, I do care, but it's not important....

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Time to think

It's been an hour or two since I finished the last blog and since then I've been in the bath and had time to contemplate things. I do a lot of thinking in the bath, it's a place of solitude and relaxation. Though the situation at work is crazy, the bath has dragged me back into the world of the sensible.

I should be happy to be in a job, happy to have money to feed myself, happy to have a roof over my head. This world has too many people who don't have one or two or even all of the aforementioned things. I'm lucky to have them, to be warm and have a life, which although poor in comparrison with my peers is better than others.

I can use the above could be seen as an excuse to convey a covered up problem, it's something that can drag me back from the place I was earlier in the night. I wasn't in a bad place as such, but it was the start of the road to no where. That road to no where if started can lead to the edge of oblivian.

Suicide has been tried in the past, like a lot of things in my life, I've failed to kill myself. That can be seen by my very writing of this. I should point out that at times I can be very suicidal and it may seem to the world that I may never return from when I sign off, but to date I've never once not returned. The closest I ever got was one night about 4 years ago. I was in my car, after a row with my dad over something. I got back to my flat and found some hosepipe. After writing my diary on my PC, I ended up in the car with the hosepipe trailing through the window. The engine was started and I sat listening to my favourite music. I can't really recall how long I'd been, but I do remember someone knocking on the door. He had the hosepipe in his hand and was telling me to turn the engine off. I did so, he took the pipe and left me. Alone, peeved off at failing again, I went back up to my flat, took the next day very slowly, and then went to speak to my friends and then my GP.

I've been on the brink, I know what that feeling is like, I hated myself, I hated my life, I hated how the world saw me. I hated everything!!! I've been close to that point a few times since, and it's scary looking at it now as I can see the signs, but often find it hard to put the brakes on. People may say that suicide is a cowards way out of life, and in many respects it is, but it's also the bravest way out. It takes lot's of courage to do that, you have to be very cool to even get close to it.

Life though is a journey, it's a long journey full of twists and turns, which till you reach them can't ever be dealt with. Only yourself can deal with these things. It's your heart that beats in you, not someone else's, it's your eyes that see things, not someone else's. It's your brain that thinks how to deal with them, not someone else's. Take advice off others by all means, but meld that advice into your own thinking and it may help with life, but don't copy others, that leads to failure.

Desperately Seeking Inspiration

I guess that right now, I can see the failings of myself, but also the success that is me at work. I am aware that should I leave my job, my position would be difficult to fill, but whilst I stay I'm losing inspiration in what I do.

Working with children with special needs is great, no matter what they throw at me, I am happy to take it. If it means being hit, kicked or even spat at, I'm ready to take it. Many a time it isn't the child's fault, but even if it is, I don't care. It's a challenge to so the behaviour, it's a challenge to earn there trust and a challenge to understand them. These challenge's inspire me to continue working in the field I do. The school I'm at doesn't though. My job is far away removed from what I'm trained as, and this is due to many reasons. I could spend all night writing about them, and though they may in time find there way onto here, now isn't the time.

Why is the school I'm at a problem? I don't think it's the school, it's the role I've got, and a few members of staff. I don't get any time with the children, and this bothers me. I should be in a class room, but they won't put me in there and then site that I don't help myself, by not attending staff meetings. I've always been told that my role doesn't mean that I don't have to attend such meetings, and of course not being in a class means that they have little or no relevance to myself. It's a no win situation, and of course being able to cover many role's hinders me, as I'm tending to be else where when needed in a class, should that need ever happen.

How does this all effect me? Well once these pages are possibly read, then further blog's added, you'll notice that they effect my mood, and how I feel about myself and about life. It shouldn't be that way, but I'm sensitive in that respect and though I can understand the reason's as to why I'm not in a class, it doesn't make it any easier not being so. This is just so unfair. I shouldn't have to be feeling crap about myself, because my job isn't what I want. I don't really want to leave the school, this is a job I really really love. It's the one job I've had, and working with children with special needs is all I know. I've worked voluntarily for 18 years now with them. 10 years in January in school's with them, I'm only 33. I've had no other experience, I don't want to find any other experience to be honest.

The middle ground is difficult right now to hold, one side of me says go find something else, the other says stay. Here in the middle I'm caught feeling rather sickly and unsure. Which has the greater pull? Money and a new challenge or job satisfaction and regret. I don't know for this has been going over and over in my mind now for the past 3 or 4 months and at no point have I ever been clear on it, maybe at somepoint if I continue to write I'll find an answer, or something may just jump up and hit me in my face. It tends to do so when I get in this mood and am writing.

I'll leave this post here, after a quick 20 minutes of writing I want to have a drink and perhaps have a nice long bath.