Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Evaluation Time

Like the clouds that fill the sky things have been a little grey around myself over the past few days and probably weeks if I'm honest. I've spent a few weekends sulking away, for varying reasons, and whilst I've put it down to being "just about the time", I can now see it's been building up of late.

I've mentioned frustration over the past few days as a sort of excuse for Saturday, and I stick by that, but I've also got to look further back as to why I'd let myself get to that point. I have shed light on part of the reasoning I guess with the explanation of the introvert fighting the extrovert within me, and I'm not sure which is the good or bad guy as such out of those two. I guess deep down I'd like extrovert to be the good guy, but I'm not sure if I can trust that part of me as inanely as I can the introvert aspect of myself.

Trying to take a quick look at the situation at work could provide answers, more so if you've been in regular contact with me, but to be honest that's been left to work almost, though over the past few weeks I've noticed an increase in some forms of discrimination, which of course may be a marker as to some discontent build up. I can't blame that though, it's only recently, but I am going to start highlighting it to those who do anything from this point forth, it's only fair they know. If that means them walking on eggshells so be it.

I've got to look at other area's of my life as well, and whilst that is being done I've also got to go to work. So at this point in the discussion I'm going to have to depart, it was always going to be a quick post this one, but it has turned up a few stones that I didn't expect to turn in my mind once I started down this path. I'll go away and see what's under the said stones and try and equate that to everything as quickly as I can. Till I return, enjoy the sun on your face and let it energise you to the full.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008


So here we go again down the line of where to take this entry? I think last nights entry was a bit more positive than I anticipated and to be honest it opened my eyes a little to a situation within myself that I'd ignored previously, but hey that's always the case isn't it? I mean if we don't go through life without a problem or learning something new it wouldn't be a normal life.

I am becoming increasingly aware of who at work is on my side and who isn't. I've got the person noted and will watch what I say in and around them from this point on. I accept that what went on on Saturday was out of order, but that's out of work and should have been kept there. However for what ever reason it's been taken into work but hey I'm on a far better place than I was then. Perhaps trying to explain that wouldn't work at work as they'll have no idea of what went on, none of them would have been through that and I wouldn't want them too either. Still it was fun.....

Another thing that I should point out, is that being able to write about the weekend, and perhaps just writing for writings sake is doing me some good. I'm enjoying the writing and enjoying the challlenge of keeping 2 blogs going and trying to make each of them sepreate. Why the hell I've neglected these two blogs I don't know, but hey if this is the start of the rebirth of both of them, I'll be very happy.

Monday, August 25, 2008


I write this part in reflection, part in anger and part in frustration. I spent the weekend doing all the bad things that I can, in some respects it was a blow out of major proportions, but it was something that I needed to do.

Let me point out that I know who is to blame of that, and that's myself, and I can't lay the blame on anyone person. Yes, various factors involving lots of people that I know led me to the position I was in, but I can not attribute them to that, it's the way I've always coped at times of frustration at myself rather than depression. That was what it was frustration more than depression, and if people who were around think it was depression then they were very much mistaken.

Yes, I shouldn't of allowed them the viewing of my frustration, but better to let it go than to retain it and let it get the better of me at a later date. I guess that I've alienated some people, but hey that's not for me to worry about, I was very much alone before that and so if I'm a little bit more alone then hey what's that going matter?

What I do need to do is pick myself up tomorrow and go about my business as normal. I do need to confront someone at work, over there behaviour last week, and I'm sure that I'll get a negative response from that, as it's something they'll either say they didn't do or didn't mean to do. However that excuse is now becoming tiresome. It's something that I'm very much aware of and it's starting to hurt more each time it's being done. I'm not going to go down the road of thinking that it's a ploy by work to get me into a frenzy, but it's becoming more and more common again and it's something that has to stop, not just for my sake, but the sake of the project, as it will eventually harm them more than me.

It's very surprising what a day or two makes, and right now I feel on top form, again no one is going to believe that one, but it's almost as if the rust that has been building up around me of late has been shaken off, I can be myself again and if that means bordering on the insane, or living on risks then so be it, that's the way life works for me at times, and how I enjoy it.

Saturday, August 23, 2008


I normally try and counter how I feel in here to my other blog over at Myspace, and I will try. However, let me repeat what I've said over there in the last 10 minutes...


There with that out of the way, let's try and be positive?

I've tried and can't be, it's simple I can't be positive about anything about me, it's that tough.... Does anyone know a good slaughter houses that would do me a favour?

Plink Plonk

Wooo hooo, another post in here! I guess it's been a while, but I guess it's about time that I wrote something down. I feel really odd today, I've been quite happy of late, been talking to people and though being really not able to enjoy myself properly, I have been cheerful.

However over the course of the past couple of weeks I've felt all alone, as if those that I was at least chatting to and keeping me company have moved on. I know that they will shout and tell me off, but for some reason, I feel as if I've been dropped like an egg of the Blackpool Tower. I feel alone, isolated and insecure, all the normal things I feel, however this is different, I felt things were different and now they are well..... As things stand as normal as usual, I don't know what to do about this right now. I have the capabilities to go and visit people, I have the capabilities to host people here without having to worry over what I've not got in the fridge or cupboards, and yet with that I've got no one to visit or host.

I sit in my chair, facing the window to the outside world, the weather is really nice considering what weather we've had of late, I can see the big wide world go about it's business. Whilst no hustle and bustle is visible from where I am, I know it's taking place. Like a parody of my own little world it's shouting at me that I'm sat alone whilst beyond the glass of the window a whole world is running around happily. I can look and yet not break through. Is it my own mental state that is limiting that or am I seriously such a person that I'm OK to chat too when no one else will do so to you, and that is all people use me for? It sometimes feels that way.

Contrast this with how I felt a week or two ago and plans were afoot for today, and I was due to go out. I still can go out, I've two options, however that's not likely to happen right now. Life always deals me with shit, and as normal at the time when I can enjoy myself, it jumps down on me like a ton of bricks. I really don't know just why this happens to me all the time, but it does, and this time I can't even blame my own insecurities over going out that's causing me this pain. Though if I keep writing this entry I'm sure that I would be able to find some way of linking it all together. Still that's me being too obsessive with my own state of mind.

If anyone can in the next few hours if you stumble by here give me a reason to kick myself out of feeling like this then feel free to do so. Other wise I might find myself in the middle of writing in here for fun again. That whilst something I'd like, isn't something that I'd really want as it might be because I've got reason to write or my mind is working over time to attempt to appease myself that things are perhaps better than they really are for me.