Sunday, February 28, 2010

Am I Old? No, just maturing.

Here we are again, another grey outlook from the window, though that's the sky the rest of the view is fairly colourful. I use the term fairly as the colours are starting to push themselves through the dull lux that is the winter sky, giving rise that Spring is creeping upon us and of course Spring is a beautiful time of the year, where new life comes forth, where life awakens from the winter slumber.

Is my current mood of hope, of working on my own mind set, of working out problems that I've got due to the awakening of spring? Who knows? Who cares? All I know is that tomorrow is going to be March and that at the end of that month, 31 days away we'll have seen out a quarter of 2010. Where does time go? It is rather odd how the older you get the years seem shorter and shorter. Has anyone ever come up with a definitive reason as to why this is the case?

Enough of that, I'm chugging along at a sedate pace, not wishing to rush, not wishing to crawl. This sedate pace is easier for myself, and though at some point I will have to rush I think that I'm better prepared to do that now. It does depend on the circumstances of course and situations that arise. Whilst I'm prepared for what's coming next week, I may find myself writing in here once more with a negative tilt to it, though I certainly hope not, I've got through the prep for that and practise so it's just down to deliverance and attempting not to nervous. Cryptic of course, but that's the way I like to be I guess. I don't like naming names, I don't like putting true situations in as to avoid identifying anyone in this blog, I'm sorry, I'm just a little over protective I guess. Saying that I do think I've named people way back, and it's just my mind growing old. Talking of growing old, I may feel old these days compared to when I was a bit younger, however at least I'm not a fossil yet, like my sister. Thanks to my niece for telling me that, it makes me feel so much more younger than the 8 years between us.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

It's all Grey

OK, so no problems, well no problems that I haven't dealt with before, no problems that I haven't moaned about on here before, and thus no problems to relate off the top of my head. I just want to write, write what I don't know this is going to be a classic free flow post.

One could describe today as a grey day, out of the window in the garden are two grey squirrels digging up nuts they'd left before the winter began, the sky is a light shade of grey. It's at that point where once it becomes even lighter we have to call it white, but it's very much grey. Without thought, I've got a grey t-shirt and grey jog bottoms on whilst I settle down for the day. This may suggest that today is going to be problematic? Why say that? well all the greys and as a colour grey can be defined as confussion between the good of white and the bad of black. However, it's not like that.

So what's taking place in my life? What's driving me to write? I don't know I just felt like being creative and whilst I could sit down and try and compose a poster for someone, without clearer directions on what is required all I would be doing is making suggestions, which is all well and good, but I want some boundries at least to work in, as this isn't my project. Talking of my projects, I have a presentation in the pipeworks which if all goes well, and I say if may be something to consider for the future. However, that's speculative, but I have to say that whilst in the final planning stages, it's been insightful in terms of building up resources for the presentation and trying to think what would and wouldn't be appropriate. I should thank those who have helped me with this presentation, and anyone else who gives me advice along the way before I present them.

The Winter Olympics have captured me again, I don't know why I enjoy these games more than the Summer version. Perhaps it's the lack of events makes it far easier to watch, and watch properly rather than flicking through to see odd bits here and odd bits there. Perhaps is one of my earliest memories of the Olympics are the the 76 Winter games sat in my grandma's house playing or at least attempting to play with the piano. I don't know why I can remember that and it may not even be correct, but that's just something I can remember from all those years back. The likes of Franz Klammer had an effect on me, which has stayed with me, oh and of course watching the hockey tourny.

Talking of the hockey, it's good to be watching this years version, it's a major event the Olympic's for the hockey, but throw in the fact it's in Canada, it is almost the biggest event in the games, though everyone outside of Canada would disagree, it's the event that sold out in minutes well over 2 years ago. I do hope Team Canada can win the gold, but of course the big hope is for the 2014 games, is that GB can some how qualify, which would boost the game over here no end.

I suppose that I should say that from the last post I made, things have moved on, upwards of course, and I'm finding my feet again. Similar to the start of this post, I guess I would have to describe my current situation as being a bit grey. Work is ongoing to move back into the light, but I am too sensible to say that I've moved out of the dark area that sent me into the tail spin the other weekend. It takes time, it takes hard work and it takes strength to move away, move into the positive space. I have to take a step away here, and whilst I didn't want to explore myself in this post, I think I want too after writing that. Taking a step back as wrote it, made me examine something. Always on my recovery posts I mention that I want to be happy, I want this idealistic view of where I want to be, I guess we all have that in us. Perhaps though that's where I'm going wrong, what if I'm dreaming too far ahead? dreaming of what can never be? How often have I fallen? How often have I cried? and WHY?

Why is subjective, but writing about moving into the the white away from the black, perhaps struck something within me. What if, the white isn't as far away as I think it is? What is if the grey area that am in, is only a small area? Maybe a look at that, will at least aid me in future situations, which I'm sure I'll hit. I will not move away from the crash and burn way of existing, or I can't forsee that. I think I've accepted that of me, it's not something I'm happy with, but it's been part of me for so long that I don't know if I can move away, don't know if I want too! That's crazy isn't it, but it's almost a comfort blanket, in that I know that to crash and burn does me some good occasionally, as long as I can learn from it. It's when I don't learn, when I don't get anything and continue to burn that I end up in major situations. I should write more I know, I should read this place more, if only to help me. However, it is my area where I can put anything and everything.