Saturday, July 30, 2005

End of the Week

Well it's the end of the week, and the end of the first week of playscheme's 2005! I've worked 3 days on playscheme's 2 days on my own playscheme and another day on a mini playscheme run by Kirsty. This last day was quite pleasant and very much in contrast too the other 2 days, but that's not to say that the other days were not enjoyable.

At the end of the week though, one thing is certainly more enjoyale than playschemes themselves is the visit to the pub. I should say that we had a good turn out on Friday, and it was very funny. During the night it was really funny to spar banter with my friend David. He's been involved in playscheme's for the previous 10 years, but has decided enough was enough and quit last year. He came to the pub this Friday and caught up with others who he'd not seen for a year or more. I have to say that next week will be equally as good.

I'm sure that I had a few drinks more than I should have, as the last two paragraphs are quite a difficult to read, or I think they are as they were difficult to write. Still I don't mind, I'm having a good time listening to a very old episode of Just A Minute via the Radio 7 website. It's been very entertaining and one of the funniest I've heard for a while from the said site.

Today I'm going to head around to mum's later to have a shower and possibly something to eat. I am suffering with a cold, which I caught probably at the swimming pool the other day. My throat isn't as sore as it was yesterday and I've got more energy than I did yesterday, but my nose is still blocked and I'm still feeling a bit shitty.

Oh well I needed to add something, as it was only fair that I do.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Day 2: Wet n Wild

Well the second day passed without any more accidents, which was most satisfying, but it didn't pass without incident. Swimming is always fun, and is also one of those activities that is fraught with dangers, but one which I'm happy to take. Years ago I used to take groups swimming nearly every other week, but that has stopped for what ever reason. Yesterday though I returned to the pools, and it was full of problems.

Children being children we had the full spectrum of behaviours which led to some awful scenes and yet some really nice scenes. I know that I want to return to the baths to re-establish the activity in my mind as to what's going to happen, but also for the children. I like to think that in the water most of the children I work with are more equal than at 95% of the time outside of it. It's strange, to say that but I can assure you that once someone can swim, they are the same as anyone else in the water.

Getting back to yesterday though, it was one of the worst pool experiences that I've had and one that I'm sure the volunteers who were there won't forget. I'll reassure them next week that it wasn't the norm and that swimming can be fun with our children. I guess somethings do need pointing out to them, where as they didn't for me all them years ago.

Today is my day off, and wow am I glad. As I sit and type this the sky is grey and the rain is coming down in sheets. It's the worst day of the week and I'm not in work. I can stay in all day or I can go around to my mum's. I was going to suggest we go out, mum and me, but in this weather I'm not sure it's wise. The wind is picking up, so much so that if I didn't know better I'd think it was a wild winters day out there, as it is, it isn't and it's still warm enough for shorts.......

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Playscheme Day 1

Well after all the weeks of planning yesterday was the first day of the playscheme's that have been causing my life so much hell. It wasn't too bad, the good old name games and parachute games always goes down well on the first day. It does take some time to get everyone beyond the stage of being embarrassed but, by the time the last game has gone they were all joining in.

It wasn't a great first day, I've been involved in better, and should I stay with Barnardo's beyond this next 12 months, I'll probably be involved in better. We had one accident, where a child went to use some monkey bars on a park, and after jumping up to reach them realised that he was still too short and came crashing down to earth. I suspect that he's going to have real nice black eye to match the grazes across his face. I therefore claim to win the prize for the first accident form this year. It looked quite bad at first, but some cold compression helped reduce some of the swelling at that point.

By the end of the day, which wasn't long after the accident, I was so tired!! I've never felt that tired after a day of playscheme in years, it was very odd. I'll pace myself a lot better from now on in, and also be aware that I'm mentally in playscheme mode, and not the planning mode. The planning part took a lot out of me, and now that's realised I'll be better prepared for today. We are going swimming today, and for sure I'm not wanting to fill in any accident forms today.

So apart from that what else is new?? Well I've been granted my first choice holidays as such, and so for the first time in ages, the week of my birthday is going to be spent relaxing. I'm heading down to Alton Towers with Lisa that day, and then going to spend a few days with her and Wayne. I'm excited by this as this will be a proper holiday for the first time in ages.

Friday, July 22, 2005

No Excuse

It's been a week almost since I last wrote here and I have no excuse for not doing so. I just kept putting it off and off, and even though I had plenty to write about I didn't do it. I am sorry for anyone who has been coming to read this. I wish if you do pop in here that you'd leave a message or two. I'm curious as to who does come and look in here.

Well the week has rushed through and here we are at the weekend again. I'm not too happy, in fact I'd say I was depressed and this time I can't complain about the new medication I'm taking this is far more serious I'm telling you that. I have no idea as to what is causing this sensation. I'm due to go out tomorrow night, but at this rate I'm not going to go as I'll be so worked up that I'll not want to leave this place. I may have to force myself out or someone to come and force me.

Still it could be worse I guess, I could be wanting to harm myself, as it is, if I were to die I wouldn't be too bothered right now about it. Not that I know if you know anything about it.

Sunday, July 17, 2005


Ok, perhaps not the most original title this weekend, but hey so what? I can't think of anything else and as I've read the 6th book in the Harry Potter series this weekend (yes, I know it was only published yesterday!), what else could I call this entry?

Perhaps more on that in a bit, but this past couple of days has been really chilled out and a really enjoyable weekend. I said earlier this weekend that I'd spend some time away over the next week reading the Harry Potter book, well it was such a nice and easy read that it was read in just over 24 hours. I'll sit down and read it again at some point, if only to pick up on bits that I may have lost in the first read. I didn't particularly read fast, it was just a marathon read session. It did include a spell reading in my mum's backgarden. That was so neat. I should start reading more, and while the weather is good read more in the open.

It did me good to be reading most of the weekend, as it kept me away from here, but it also gave me a well earned rest. At no point did I really feel like doing any work towards my playscheme, and I didn't even think of going and getting my stuff from work to do anything at home. Right now I'm at an odd point in planning, as everything is virtually done, I'm just waiting on a couple of people to get back intouch with me and then that's that. I could have this all done by Tuesday night. That would be fun in terms of getting things sorted and together and relaxing a bit towards the weekend.

I'm out next weekend, which I'm looking forward too, and also I've got to start thinking of what to wear for Maureen's wedding. I've no idea and will probably end up at Matalan again looking for something. I do need my haircut, which I may get done next Monday night in prep for the playscheme's. That would be funny, to walk into work on Tuesday morning, hat on and nobody aware of any changes, till I get to base. I don't think I could pull that one off again, like I did with Maureen at uni, but hey who knows. I should point out this story. Whilst at uni, I'd come home for the weekend and gone back on the Monday. In the afternoon we had free periods as it was a time when uni's were getting computer suites in, rather than everyone having a computer I went into work there. I'd had my hair cut over the weekend and had gone from long hair to really short. I sat down next to Maureen, and worked for about 2 hours before she recognised me.......

Going back to the Potter book, it was a better read than the previous book, and it too me anyways points me to the direction of the last book, and where it will end. I have a great idea, but of course I can't be sure. I enjoyed this book quite a lot, so much so that I just sat down and read it. If I struggle with a book, I can only read a chapter or two before putting the book down for an hour or three. This one was put down only to rest my eyes and make sure that I had a drink.

Well not a long entry and not a entry to get you thinking or to get me thinking. That's the essence of it all really. I don't have to do that all the time, but I tend too. As it happens, I should thank this Blog entry. I need to look on the BBC's website, and go and listen to Just A Minute on Radio 7. I know it's a repeat, and that the new series on Radio 4 can't be far away, but if you've never listened to this show, go give it a try. It may take some getting used too, but it's certainly very funny. I just checked and the new series of Just a Minute started last Monday, so I've just listened to that and going to listen to the Radio 7 repeat of the show from 1981.

Friday, July 15, 2005


Whilst the title of this entry may sound huge, it isn't. It's just a random word that sprung to mind while thinking of what to call this peice. I guess the past couple of days have been spent getting everything ready for playscheme's. I think I've got everything done that can be done except for charts and stuff, which I can do next week. I've got to go shopping for stuff, but in many ways I don't have too much to buy as I'll only be buying for the first couple of days and then carry on like that for the rest of the scheme.

I have had some ME time, which was great, and also some shared time with a friend of mind in the pub last night. I've got to get my body into drinking mode once more, and I've got to get my head out of the beer mode. I can no longer really tolerate beer like I used to. Mind you, when I say beer I mean lager, i.e. Molston's for my Canadian friends. To me beer should be what we Brits call Bitter. I can tolerate that much more than lager, but still not in the quanaties I used to. I do however have a high tolerance to the alchopops. I am only saying this as now it's playscheme's I'll be spending so much of my time in the pub afterwards that it's more than quadruple the amount that I would spend during the rest of the year. My body has to get into alcohol mode quickly and quietly.

Life is really strange, just when you get up, it knocks you down again. I'm fearful of getting too high like the other week, yet it was so much fun that I love it when I can be in that position. Why is it like this? A little comtemplation can go a long way I guess. I knew I could bring the title into here some how. To be serious though, why do some of us live on a roller coaster ride, while others seemingly have a smooth ride?? I know that if we didn't have the extreme's we wouldn't know what the "norm" would be and nobody could be happy. I guess it's a conundrum that some of us will eventually figure out, and just at that point we'll die. It's not beyond ourselves to solve this problem, but it's such a huge thing that it will take a while. Tangent thinking while typing that out. "The norm" that I talk about is something that people who help others out seem to have, are they trying to manipulate those of us outside of that norm into there miserable world? Would I be happy with "the norm"? I doubt it, my life would be so much more different, it wouldn't be as exciting and I doubt that I'd ever be able to sit down and contemplate the meaning of everything. I doubt I'd have a firm idea of why we are here, and why some of us sit outside all of that. I doubt I'd be writing this.

With the above in print, I guess I should never complain about my mood and my life ever again? Well in some respects yes, but it's only logical that I have something which I can moan about. Stability is something we all need every now and again. I think it helps balance the body and mind out. It helps to recharge the batteries for the extreme's. I think stability is what we look for when to seek help from shrinks and co. I have got it, I think I've got it. It's just that. The highs and lows of our lives are the norm, the stable borning mondane thing is the battery recharge the thing that keeps us still. Bloody hell, this needs some work, but shit if I can grasp my head around this, I may be so much more relaxed........

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Lazy days - Energy Rechargers

Well yesterday wasn't exactly a total lazy day, but I did go and see my friend Maureen, in the afternoon, and wow what a difference an afternoon makes. I complained on Monday of having little or no energy to do anything. Well I don't think it's been a total recharge, but the fact that I spent most of yesterday afternoon lazing around in the sun has helped recharge my batteries.

I didn't have to talk or think about work, which helped, we just chatted about anything and everything. That is what I needed and I'm sure as hell going to make sure that I add more sessions like that into my diary over the next few weeks. I've made sure that most of the Thursday's that I'm off I've got things to do, which should help me. I know that if push comes to shove I'll probably end up helping out on Playscheme, but that's only if it's really desperate for it to happen.

Something that I should point out here, is that I was so recharged yesterday evening that I went back into work and did some work whilst no one was around. I find that working in the office late after everyone has gone so much better, it's easier to sit and do things. Also it means that all the resources are available to you right away and you don't have to fight with 11 others at the same time. The only problem of course is that you do a job and then think you've cracked the whole ball game, and whoosh it back fires and you've gone and made a huge error. Still I can correct the mistake I made and be confident of being able to correct that today.

On the topic of work, I had to partake in a first aid course last week, and since then it's been non-stop. Wednesday night after the said course finished, I picked my mum up from bingo and on the way home spotted someone collapsed. Thankfully it was opposite the hospital which is about 200 yards away from my mum's house, and two nurses were on the scene. Last night again after dropping mum off, and this time going shopping I spotted an RTA. The person involved had an open fracture of the lower leg. It was just what I needed. I don't think I want to do the seizure control training this Friday, as that involves inserting medication where the sun don't shine.....

Back to me..... I seem to have picked myself up from the low's that were last week. I think it's the fact that I've been praised at work for being in the position I am with the preparation for playscheme's. I know that I like to be told if I'm doing well or not, and I think that may have been something to do with my mood. I know we all like to be praised, but at times I like the opposite, if only to tell me where I am in terms of projects. The fact that I'm my own worst enemy in all of this is also a factor. I have to admit that my biggest concern is making a huge mess of this and my world falling apart around me.

With the headteacher of the school I worked at retiring next week, I've been looking back on the past couple of months and the past few years as such. I've been looking into the reasons why I did leave school, and all the emotions that I went through with that. I have to say that I think I made the right move. I know that I'm enjoying working with the children again, a lot more than I did at school. I've got more contact time, and no longer have to look over my shoulder when I've got contact. Then again, at least I knew my role at school, at Barnardo's I'm not clear, as the playscheme's have taken a priority. I want to get my case load up to full by the end of October, and want to be filling my hours in without concern. The problem then is that I want to take a few holidays which won't help with the building of the working partnership between the children and myself.

One thing that I've noticed since I left the school though is that I'm feeling respected by my peers once more. I'm no longer the ladder carrier, I'm an equal to my colleagues and that's such a nice thing. I also think that has made me a nicer person to know. I feel so much more relaxed, that my friends are feeling the benefit as such. If I were to ask Lisa, how she feels I've been of late and how much better I've been in terms of being a friend to her, I'd suggest she'd say better than I have been for a while. It is of course a matter of opinion that.

It looks like it's going to be another hot summer's day, one which may be a lazy day again, as I've certainly started to get the hours in work already this week. So I think this afternoon may be spent in the garden at work, filling in sheets that will then need posting. These sheets are the one's I messed up last night, so I've got to do them today.

Sorry if the topic is all about work today, it wasn't supposed to be, but as I set off and let my mind and fingers do the talking I just wandered from the topic to work and couldn't move. I can promise you that life isn't all about work, far from it. I now have an idea what sort of outfit that I've got to get for Maureen's wedding at the start of next month, which sounds great, but when I say it's only 3 weeks away I know I need to panic. PANIC me, I'd never do that honest, but here I am talking about it instead of doing something.


This entry has changed topics at will, gone in every direction possible, unintentionally, and totally off the cuff. Nothing was planned and I had no idea that what has been written would be written. Wow, in the good old days this would be the openning to a letter perhaps, which if Lisa were to describe the whole letter I'd be given the War and Peace description. What would be added is that little over 2 or 3 hours later I'd be doing the sequal to it, and making that perhaps longer still. So I'm going to stop now.

Monday, July 11, 2005


Well, it's either me getting very old, me working harder than ever before or there is something wrong with me. This past week or so I've been very tired, low on energy. This isn't the norm for me, and I'm starting to get concerned by it.

You have to know that throughout my life I've always been the one full of energy, the one able to run around all day and not worry about energy levels. I'd eat enough and burn everything off, too me being tired was something of legend, something everyone else became, but not me. Now, it's turned on me and I hate it.

I know that over the past few weeks, I've reverted back to little sleep, and I know I'm working longer weeks than I normally do, but this is silly, Even in the summer when I've done playscheme's after finishing school, I was as fresh as a daisy as the saying goes. Right now, I'm just so tired. My body just wants to rest, but my brain won't allow it too. I guess my mind is hyperactive, whilst my body is slowing down. The hot weather isn't helping of course and that may be a contributary factor, but god I wish I was feeling better.

It could be mental activities that is keeping me from relaxing and thus preventing me from gaining the rest needed at home, but I don't know. I'm not the type of person who can just sit around and do very little once I'm at home. Perhaps next week, when the new Harry Potter book is out and I've something to read, I'll find time to read that and not so much time on here. Although of course reading is just as active as looking at a computer monitor. I do however need to do something as I need all the energy for playscheme's I can muster.

In terms of the playscheme I'm running, I think I'm up on what I need to do. I'm even going to take tomorrow afternoon off. I've completed all my home visits and will complete my transport routes tomorrow. Once that is done the next step for me to do is book my day trip and complete my activity plan. Once done then I'm going to go and see Maureen. I need some time to myself or should I say, I need some time out of work to relax. It's not easy doing that here as my mind is so preoccupied. At least by going to see Maureen, I can take my mind off things and forget about work for a while.

I don't think I'm in a panic as much as I was this time last week with regards my playscheme, but I'm still concerned. I don't think anyone at the office realise just how bad I can work myself up too. I know I'm my worst enemy, and at times I can't prevent myself from doing that, but it's all the part of being me I guess. If I didn't do that, I don't think Id be half the person I am.

Saturday, July 09, 2005


Well it's been 7 days since I "sprung" out of the spiral that I'd got myself into, and if I'm honest the past 7 days have been a lesson too me.

I can't say that I've had a great 7 days, but they've not been the worse of my life either. I've not been as high as I was last weekend though. I don't know why I've slipped this week, but I certainly have. I guess that I can try and pinpoint things here.

Last weekend saw me change my regualar meds, which could have accounted for some of my mood swing, but it was too soon, as the first day of the new meds was last Saturday. It may have been down to a culmination of things, but I do know that I was excited about the week ahead. Perhaps it was the way that things at work were going. More of that though to come. I don't know for sure, but if I ever get that high again, I'll tell you all.

Work though is maybe the thing which has transformed my mood again. It isn't as if I'm doing badly, far from it or so say my peers and management. I guess the the only way I can describe it, is that I've been on a road since I arrived at Salford Families, flying at 100mph. Most of the road is familiar territory, which has meant that I've been on cruise control, for most of the way. I've hit a few bumps, but that's normal, nothing to shift me into manual control. Then all of a sudden this week, I've seemingly hit a wall. I huge wall, the size of China!! and I'm finding it hard to get around.

So what is it all about? I don't know I think I'm making myself paranoid that I'm going to fail this playscheme and that I'm going to continue with my perpetual failure. I don't have a shred of evidence to prove this too myself, or any evidence to even suggest this. All the home visits have been positive, I'm ahead of most people in them and also in terms of transport. I guess it's the little things which are getting to me. The expectation that I'll be ok, because I've done playscheme's before is something I've got to live with. The problem is that I've never had to do everything before. I may also be getting myself in a mess, as I'd normally offering help to everyone in the office at this time of year, and yet no one is doing so to me. I don't mean my peers, but my assistant. She is great, wonderful and the best I could ask for, but it's me placing higher expectations on her, or perhaps throwing my own expectations of myself upon her.

I'm getting there, but it's not easy. I should also point out that this past week has seen me work 46 hours, which is over twice as much as I should work, thus giving me plenty of overtime. I need a break, I think I have stated previously that I had missed a half term break by changing jobs, well it's hitting home right now.

So what else has gone on this week. Well London seems to be at the centre of attention this week. I have to say this right now, I deplore terrorism. I detest the thought of injuring people like that. That over with, let me give you my opinoins on London and everything surrounding it this week.

I don't want the Olympics in London, I think that London (as a whole, population and everything that encompasses that) is arrogant, and small minded. It considers itself to be the UK by itself. I bet if you asked most of the people within London, they wouldn't know where half the major towns in England, Scotland or Wales are. To them, London is the place, it is the UK and for that I really dislike them. Manchester made 2 bids for the Olympics, and if I'm honest got little or no support from the national government, which is based in London. Of course this bid of London's got total support and backing. I'd rather have seen the Olympics going to Madrid than any of the other countries.

Now onto the bombing of London this week. As you can gather I don't like London. I think that it's an ugly amalgam of buildings and cultures. I've seen many better cities in my time. If I could, I'd build some sort of dome over London, and drop a nuclear bomb on it. Then when safe rebuild the place from scratch. Manchester suffered a terrorist attack in 1996, and due to the damage has in the 10 years since totally regenerated itself. It may have lost most of it's heritage as such, but it's a beautiful place to be around. I would miss Manchester if I left the area right now. I know that I've also stated previously that I live in Salford and that Salford is better than Manchester. It is true, but for the majority Manchester is the city that most would recognise out of the two. London has a heritage and history as long as Manhcester's, though most would say longer and more historical, London is only the equal of Manchester.

London now has 7 years to regenerate, I hope they do that as well as Manchester did, they should look at how we did it, and not go interverted and think they know what to do. Manchester is the guiding hand to London. We showed the world how to put on a sporting event, with the 2002 Commonwealth Games, to which London will follow. We can now show London how to regenerate itself after a terrorist attack. Here's hoping that in 10 years time I can say I like London, I don't hold out much hope, but hey I'm willing to give it a try.

Friday, July 01, 2005


Well, now that all the dark clouds have passed over on the circle that is a year, I can begin to feel cheerful again. Ok, so I'm maybe not the most cheerful person, or not by my blog accounts I'm not anyway. I do promise you that in real life I am a bit more happier if you ever meet me.

Starting to write this or should I say for the past hour or two has felt like I'm seeing the world in technicolour for the first time. It's a really strange feeling, and one which, I've experienced before but doesn't get any easier to describe. I can see shades of green and brown outside, the sky is bright and I'm looking forward instead of backwards.

This is good and bad in so many ways. Good that I've cheered up, and yes it was the circumstances of the week which got me down. Bad though that the people that I work with will suffer my good mood, as I feel energetic, lively, up for anything and prepared to do anything. Nothings will stop me today, and that's a nasty mood for others. They've seen that mood and may question if I'm on some sort of drug, but I'm clean, cept for life.

That's the answer isn't it, LIFE. I guess that I've circled myself in the past 24 hours to examine LIFE and what I've found opened my eyes. I have an idea about what life is about, but then again I am probably wrong. Still that isn't what I'm talking about here. I've taken 5 steps back from myself and circled myself, and then placed that in a sphere of life to examine everything. If I didn't mix my moods up, things would be boring, if I didn't suffer lows, dreadful lows how can I enjoy a high? If things go wrong it only makes things sweeter when they go right. I shouldn't debate everything to the extent I do, though in my life to date most things have gone wrong, I'm sure that some will go right over the years to come. Whilst waiting I may be depressed, stressed and even suicidal, but so what, when things go right I'm going to be so high, that I'll be able to see the Great Wall of China.

If any of you have seen the film Highlander, I feel like I've won the prize right now, I know everything, I don't need anything. I am the one with the answer to every question that I have ever asked. That is such a nice place to be in.

There is however one question I don't know the answer too.........

How long till this mood swings back down?