Friday, March 31, 2006

Self Exploration through Others

I read many pages around the world wide web, I read a few blogs and a read many factual pages, either from major international corporations or from everyday folk who devote time from there lives to produce pages that fill one with information and enjoyment.

Every now and again, I see or read something which inspires me, inspires me in many different ways. Tonight, such a thing has happened, and it wasn't supposed to happen. I went over to Loxy's blog, now I've been reading this blog for ages, I've linked to her page before and I know she has a link for here on her site. If I were any way intelligent enough to figure out how to put links on my web page I would do, but I am not intelligent and thus don't.

So what has inspired me tonight to post a third entry for today? I don't know? Well I've an idea, and let me go on. I think it's how open Loxy is when she writes, and the short blog today and the new picture that she's posting of herself does it. Well it's not sort of inspiring, but it is.

This is really odd, I wish that I could be more open with the world about myself, but I'm scared of the world and the world's reaction. A few people who may read this will understand this, and most won't, but there is so much more to me than just the moods that I show on here. There is things behind those moods, for example on Wednesday when I let the spleen go and filled this page with the crudest ever post I've made. It wasn't what had transpired seemingly against me, but it was more to do with me, and how I see others percieving me. That is what hurts, things aren't always straight forward for the world and me. I wish I had the confidence to declare everything and be open with you, but I've not and I don't ever think I will have.

I may be able to write lots and lots about how I feel and what has gone on in my everyday life, but I can cover my tracks or ignore issues here, but you know what that only fuels my own personal anger at myself and that in turn leads to blow outs like on Wednesday. A vicious circle it may be, but it's one that I've grown accustom too and that isn't really fair on me, let alone those who know me best.

Loxy, I admire and applaud your honesty. I only wish that I could be as honest as you are with the world.


Up to a few years back, I never really had to attend appointments at a hospital, it was only in the last few years that regular hospital visits have taken place. Now and again as old age approaches I must admit that I've missed appointments, but nothing has ever been said, as I'll hold my hands up and say sorry. Like today, I had the appointment for this morning in my diary for well over 4 months now, and yet I go to find the letter before setting off and find that it was cancelled and re-arranged for last week. I wouldn't have gone down to Winchester had I known it was last week, but still there you go, I held my hand up and said I obviously didn't read the letter properly and it was my fault. That appointment has now been re-arranged for July.

Then though I suddenly realise that the referal back to the gastro people with regards my liver functions had not produced an appointment. It was back in January when I was refered back to them, but nothing had come to me with regards an appointment. I phoned up the referal call centre to see what was going on, to find that the department had discharged me last week, even though I'd never received an appointment. It really is puzzling me, as I wouldn't miss an appointment if it was sent to me. I would have written it in my diary, and yes like todays example, may miss due to it being rearranged and my failings to read letters properly, but I've never got a letter from them. What makes it worse is that my doctors hasn't had any sort of letter from the gastro deptartment saying they've discharged me and why they have done so.

I'm now left wondering what I should do. My liver is, as we know an odd thing, and it baffles the gastro department at the hospiatal anyway, but to discharge me without even seeing me is odd. Well I guess I can say that I give up almost on it all. If I pop my clogs due to any liver problems, we know that a doctor somewhere needs to be aksed the question why.... It's down in writing here for the world to see.


The end of the week is nigh, and a strange week it's been to be honest. A lot of chilling out and then a horrible day on Wednesday, where I blew up. It was one of those days when you do something and it doesn't come off. Just when you think you are safe, just when you are happy, you realise that your not safe, and emotionally stretched. I broke on Wednesday for no reason, and it went from bad to worse in many ways.

I've got to get through those sorts of days, but it's really difficult, always has been and always will be. Still I got through it, and have chilled further. I think it could be done to stress that I had no idea that I was carrying around with me, and that can creep up on you like the night. So begins the next chapter, till the next blow out.

I'm back in work next week, which will be fun as I've got to get back into the habit of working again after nearly a month off. I say a month I've had 3 weeks in the last 5 off, which has been really cool, more so this time with 2 weeks off. I've not had to endure any problems and I've done things in the past two weeks that I've not done in years, and I mean years. I've seen people that I've not seen for ages and that is always a good thing. To catch up with old friends is always good for you. Now with Spring really upon us, the weather will incite my mood with a burst of energy and things may shift up a gear or two as well.

I've a hospital appointment today, a final check up me thinks, with regards my nose. I'd forgot that I was due to go, till late last night, which is a good job really. I know it's in my diary, but if I'd gone elsewhere I could have been in serious trouble couldn't I? Well it seems that Friday's are going to be busy again, with me off to Cardiff next Friday. I'm looking forward to that, not only for the meeting, and the people there, but because I love Cardiff, I think I've made it clear it's one of my favourite places.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Playing with Toys

So, I have a new toy in my digital camera, and whilst away I obviously played around with things. The previous set's of pictures, mainly those from Stone Henge and now these two show that playing around with the effects can have a real good effect on things.

Whilst both pictures are of the same scene, one obviously was in black and white, and had a zoom effect on the camera, whilst the colour version had none. Both have created really good pictures. The black and white one conveys to me anyway the fact that although a spring day and the sun was out, it was still very cold. The wind was biting and this picture captures that very well. The colour captures the beauty of the scene and the power of the water, but little else. I have to say that I do enjoy taking pictures and over the past few years I've negleted to go further than looking. Having had camera's broken by children and not replaced I've sort of forgotten the art of using a camera. I'm not good, but I do like to capture certain moments and things on film.

More and more over the coming months and years possibly you'll see the use of photo's on here. I hope that I can capture the scene and mood of what ever, but that isn't always possible. Also as the camera was bought for both my mum and I to share, there will be things that my mum will take, when she goes on her holidays to various far flung places.

Going back to these pictures, they were taken in Sailsbury, before I headed off to Stone Henge. I didn't expect them to turn out very good, but they have. It's things like that, that make me feel a bit better with myself. Certainly on a day like today, after the blow out that was yesterday. I know what set me off, and it's something of an old bug bear with me, but I had to blow out some where. What could go wrong did go wrong and unfortunately it was you the readers that bore the brunt of my anger towards myself and others. Sorry.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Fuck the World.

You try your hardest and then bang, fucking shit hits you so fucking hard that it fucking hurts like a 16 tonne demolition balls hit you in the face. Well, with my face it feels like it, looks like it. What the fucking hell do I have to do? For christ's sake? I wouldn't mind, but I devoted my life to helping others, and yet what do I get in return? Nothing, fucking nothing. I've had enough, no more Mr Nice Guy from me from now on.... Why should I? Being nice don't get me anywhere in life, so I'll try and be fucking nasty? Mind you knowing my luck, that will back fire on me....

Why I fucking bother I don't know. I think in previous life times I must have been Judas, Genhis Khan, Hitler, A few of the Roman Emperors and any other much hated person you care to think of. For some reason I seem to have everything that they've done and more besides thrown back at me. I'm treated like some sort of second class citizen and if anyone and I mean anyone crosses me today I'm going to give them such a mouth full that I may well be in line for being arrested. I've had enough.

Past meets Modern

Since my return I've filled these pages with stories of my holiday, it wasn't a very exciting holiday in many ways, just driving around little villages and seeing what one can see. Stopping on occasions to admire the beauty of the surroundings or to take a look at the village shops.

It was during these trips around village shops that I saw something quite strange. Strange as is in something I never expected to be honest. The traditional village would or should have the following...
A Doctor
A Groucer
A Butcher
A Post Office

These would offer everything for everyone in the village. The doctor of course is the medical man, the groucer would sell the fruit and veg and packet stuff/tins, the butcher would deal with the meat and post office would be the port of call for sending mail and also probably stationary and news papers. Newsagents shops have since taken over the role of providing newspapers and sweets to the general public, and have been a more recent addition to the village way of life. I don't include them as traditionally as it's something over the past 100 years or so that this has become more popular.

Anyway, during my many visits to many villages, some with no more than 6 houses, I found that many villages would have the more traditional shops but most had a new comer, one which I was shocked with and a little suprised. The amount of places that had Indian restaurants was astonishing. I've nothing against a good curry house, in fact I'm all for Indian restaurants, but when they populate villages like they did there, I was a little taken aback. Apart from the demand not being able to meet the supply, it seems that the diet of the English is on the move, gone are the good old traditional values of old in terms of food, and a more wider diet is prevalant. I guess why most pubs do food now, is that in many ways they are becoming the bastion of "English" cooking.

I don't mind foriegn food, but it's a sobering thought that it's being absorbed into obscurity. It's like taking hot-dogs and burgers out of the American diet, and replacing it with homous and pitta bread.

This isn't an attack on the restaurants, obviously they are making money or more wouldn't spring up every where, and I'm happy with world cuisine.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006


Ok, more details from my holidays are due I guess. Yesterday I described how I felt somewhat humbled by Stone Henge, which is something I hadn't expected and something which I'm glad of experiencing.

Now this wasn't my first visit to Winchester, I have been before for a weekend trip around 18 months ago now. Whilst there, for Lisa's wedding celebration, I found in a toy shop a beautiful mobile which hangs from my ceiling as we speak. I had every intention of looking in the same shop this time around to see if they had another mobile in, which I may or may not have had. I am sort of autistic in that way. If I know a shop has sold mobiles before then I've got to look in again, even if I suspect that the chances of them having another is slim.

Anyway, with that in mind, I set off to Winchester, and this time last week I was just about getting ready to start my exploration of the fair county of Hampshire. I had an idea in which direction I would travel, but no idea of what sort of agenda I would have. My first port of call set me off on a goose chase, that would in a way last a whole week. I found the quaint village of Alresford. Having past the shops I found a parking slot and walked back to look around. Being a village it had near enough everything within a few shops. It also had a couple of gift shops, and in a way it was here where things started. Having entered a shop, just to look around, noticed a couple of children's mobiles hung up, not the type I collect, but that didn't prevent me from asking if they had any of the type that I collect.

This conversation would lead me to drive around villages and towns on the first day looking for mobiles. I know that my trip wasn't about this, but on the first full day of my holiday, most of my shopping involved looking for mobiles. I did look for other things and in general, but the priority turned into mobiles. I didn't find any on my travels and as I was exceptionally tired I drove back to Lisa's place, before walking into Winchester itself for a brief look around. To no avail, the toy shop didn't have any mobiles that I wanted, and so the walk back up the hill to Lisa's house was longer than I wanted it to be....

The next day was the day that I visited Stone Henge, but as you are aware I visited Sailsbury before I drove down to the Henge. Another town that I knew of, but had never visited before that visit. In many ways it reminds me of Chester, in that it has a very old feeling about the buildings in and around the town centre. It is of course has a catherdal, which gives it that twinning sort of effect for me with Chester. I don't exactly know the history of Sailsbury in terms of the Roman's, but the two towns as they are now are in many ways very, very similar. So during my meanerings around the shops and the allyways, I found a few shops to look in and a few not too. Quaint as it may be, Sailsbury, like Chester and most other towns now have the same old shops, with the local businesses having the freedom to sell what they want, few and far between. That reduces the thrill of going to new towns for me, as the whole country is now much the same of the same.

Still I found a shop which sold cards, and lo and behold mobiles. Flensted
, they may be, but mobiles all the same. I have nothing against Flensted, infact I like them a lot, but I do like the capsun shell mobiles that I've got. Anyway, I wasn't sure which of the mobiles they had on display that I wanted, and plus I wanted to continue my look around the town. I left with the promise to go back, anyway further along I found another shop, which also sold mobiles. I was almost in heaven, though the mobiles this time weren't appealing enough for me to buy them, I'd found 4 shops within 100 yards of each other that sold mobiles. On completing my tour of the town, and nearing the end of my stay in the city, I went back to the original shop, and concentrated on trying to decide which mobile to buy.

I can only imagine it looked very odd, as I stood looking at two mobiles first in confusion and then in perfect awe. I got entranced by the mobiles and lost fact that I was trying to contemplate which to purchase. After the shop assistant asked me which, I had to take a step back. She had realised that all I was doing was looking and she set about the task of making me choose. What she did next though was foolish, she brought out some other mobiles they had in the back, which weren't on display. You know what, just as I'd sort of narrowed down the choice from 5 to 2, she brought out a further 3 designs to consider. This was now becoming harder by the second. If you look on the Flensted site I linked to before, look in the gallery, and find the Juggler, and you'll see which one I bought.

The next day I pointed my car in a different direction and went to Alton, a town not too far away from Winchester, but one which appears on lots of road signs around the county, so one to visit I felt. I arrived, parked up and looked around the shops. One small road of shops and that was it, nothing special or so I thought. I found a small side street with some shops on, and so I walked up to see if they had anything interesting to look at. A card shop had a huge soft caterpiller hung over an arch in the shop. I knew it was an educational toy, so I walked in to see what it was. It was beautiful, but something in the corner of my eye caught my attention, two brightly coloured mobiles. One of butterflies and the other fish! They looked very similar to the dragon fly mobile I purchased in Winchester the last time I was down, but wow I had to buy one of them. I wanted both, but in hindsight I'm glad I didn't.

The fish was purchased only on the basis that although I've got Whales and Dolphins, the butterflies looked very similar to the dragon flies and the fish was completely different. With those purchased, my hunting senses turned off. Two mobiles was more than I expected. On placing them in my collection, I now realise that the next purchases will see me bring down some of the older mobiles, as my flat won't take any more mobiles, it's too small. Of course if I get a huge pay rise at work, and can afford a new place, then all my mobiles can stay up.... For now though the mobile collection might have to be maintained at the collection it is and no new additions. I say that, but knowing me, if I see something really nice, I'll have to buy it.

Monday, March 27, 2006

19 years

I can no longer claim that I've not been on holiday for 19 years, it's just struck me, that last week was the first proper holiday I've been on for 19 years...... It's great just to be able to say that, let alone to think I did it

How to feel young

I've said many times on here that I feel old, and that my life has passed me by without me actually being aware of it. It's scares me to think that I've done very little for the length of time I roamed this rock we call home.

Then in one visit, I realise that I've been here a very short time in fact, something of a grain of sand in the beach that is the life of earth. Where did I go? What did I see? Well ok, I can claim never to be the average tourist in that I don't tend to do the obvious touristy things when I go on holiday, that's been almost instilled in me by my parents. They never did the tourist thing on a holiday, except once or twice. So with me being away last week, I spent most of the time touring
around the South of England looking at villages with the name of Western Corbett, Liss and Marpledurwell, places that the average tourist probably wouldn't find. Then on one sunny, but blustery day I went to Sailsbury.

From that city I set off to find something that most people have seen on picture (well if you haven't before then you will do shortly), perhaps even seen tv programmes about. I'm talking about Stone Henge. This group of rocks or stones as they should be called, have stood in the place for well over 3000 years, it's inconceivable in many ways as to how they got to the point they are considering some of the stones came from around Wales, some 100 miles away. This in a time when the nearest things to cars would have been your feet.

I wasn't going to spend my money to go around the monument when I first got there, but the fact that to get a really good view of the thing, you needed to go in. I guess it was the mystical power that drew me to it, as it's supposed to be a mystical power base. With my money handed over, I took the audio tour of the circle and though most of the information given was stuff I knew, it brought home to me that this group of stones in front of my eyes should be considered one of the wonders of the world. Let's be honest for the people of 3000 years ago to be able to move stones of that size that far and then arrange them in a perfect circle with stones on top is beyond the everyday life of most today, let alone then without computers and modern tools.

30+ years on this planet seems to be so long for us, and yet for these stones it's a mere blip, they've been here at least 100 times longer than I have, and I dare say they'll be around for at least 100 times longer than I after my death.

Ok, so I cheated with the above picture in that it isn't sunrise or sunset, but the sepia mode on the camera enabled me to capture an image that gives the suggestion of what the place would be like on a very good morning/evenning. I guess that the engineer's that built this circle all them years ago were way ahead of there time, and should be applauded for the feats they achieved. One thing that should be noted, that the pyramids in both Egypt and Peru, are built on the same lay lines as Stone Henge. It's just astonishing considering how tribal most of the world was then.

I could go on for ages about this but I won't...... from the ancient stones I drove around to try and find some where to eat, and did I find somewhere? Well yes I did to be honest. After a while of driving towards nowhere really, I found a sign, which sent me down a road, or a track as some would call it. Well it could only fit 1 car in any direction at any given point. After turning into the village and a short drive I found The Ship Inn, Burcombe. I had a light lunch, well it was a huge door wedge of a sandwich, that filled my depleted stomach for many an hour. The setting was so stunning. The pub is set on the banks of the river which runs through the village, and the garden at the back was simply stunning in Spring, so in the summer it would be incredible. I have to say that the service and setting was wonderful, and compliments to them all. All in all it was a great day, enjoyable sights and tastes as well as making me feel 100 times younger than I did when I left.

Oh and what made it better? I managed to buy a mobile in Sailsbury before even getting to Stone Henge......

I'm home

More will come later in terms of information about my week away, but what I will say is that I had a great time and that I'm feeling really chipper after it... I've got some photo's of some of the things I saw, including something rather old, which is beyond belief.

Monday, March 20, 2006


Well it's here, the day I leave you lot for my holidays, and wow it feels good. Not good that I'm leaving you lot behind, good that I'm going away. It may not be the ideal holiday in many ways, but it's a holiday and a break from here. I'll be free to do what I like and for that I'm so happy.

I can be me, and not have to do the dualality of life at home.

Take care of yourselves and see you all soon..... and I'll leave you with a quote

What ever happens throughout life, never stop being yourself as only yourself can succeed

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Cometh Spring, Cometh Clean

Well it needed to be done, and no time like the present I guess. The flat has been given the tri-monthly spring clean, but today was extra hard work. I don't know why, but the past couple of weeks things seemed to have gathered more dust than ever before. Still no time let it settle, it needed cleaning and today was the day. I'm off down to Winchester tomorrow morning and thus, if it wasn't done today it would mean I'd be coming home to a horrible dirty flat.

So with vigour I set about this morning to get this place spick and span, and that I have done. The only real problem is that I've not got any real nice smellies to make this room fragrant, though I suppose that when I fuel up tomorrow morning I could pick a couple of car smellies up and put the spare one in the car up in the room. That would make it smell nice on my return. It's a long time since I had something really nice smelling in the room as such. I'll have to think about this one.

Here we are though at all enginies start for my holidays and I'm getting quite excited. My excitement is slightly tempered as I've got lots of things to do before I can travel down to Winchester, and I've another evenning with my mum and her sister to survive and my cousin. It's not as bad as it sounds, but it's certainly not the most ideal situation. I would be here at my place had it not been for the fact that Sunday is 24 night and both mum and I like to watch that together.

I'm going to pick mum up shortly from bingo and then have a bath at her place, I was going to grab a shower, but I feel quite dirty after all the cleaning today and a long bath to soak in before washing my hair in the shower sounds a lot better. Some nice bubble bath in warm water really does sound good.

I don't know if I will post again till at least next Monday, so if I don't I'll sign off by wishing you all a nice week, and here's hoping that I come back refreshed, full of stories and possibly some pictures of my week away......

Mentally awake, physically tired

I write this post, in a desperate shape. I'm mentally alert, couldn't be better in fact. I'm mentally wide awake, on the ball, sharp as a needle. Yet, my body is crying, kicking, screaming at me, to get some sleep.

This wouldn't be too bad, were it not for the fact that I want to listen to some if not all of the Oilers gane tonight. I guess if I fall asleep now I may wake up. I doubt it, but hell why am I in such a desperate shape? I mean why isn't my body shutting down and getting ready for sleep? On the other hand, why am I physically tired? I've done nothing to justify that within the last 24 hours.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

No news, Good news

So far, so good, I've only had real good emails from Lisa this week, no text messages, no phone calls, so in the terms of NASA (no jokes about there reliability either please), "all systems go, T minus 10"..... Looks like I could be going on my Jollies next week.

This on top of the fact that I've sorted out the training for Cardiff in April, before I go means that very little needs doing between now and then, and more so little between now and me getting back to work in a couple of weeks!! So that has really rounded the week off well. I had a good supervision, which makes a change, a couple more like that and I may even start to enjoy them again.

This place will in all sense and purpose shut down on Monday morning, not that I'm taking anything away from you folks, just that I'll be leaving this behind, creating new memories and new ideas for future posts for a week or so. Please feel free to read the back catelouge of posts if you so wish, it's been a strange ride this blog, and since I re-started back writing regularly it's been a great help, but I have probably said that before. I've probably not however accepted that to myself.

This is therefore a thank you to the blog, for being around and available to write in, and as much as a THANK YOU to you the readers of this thing. If you didn't read and over 2000 hits means people have come and looked and I know that a few people have left comments, so it isn't just me coming here. A little deviation there, so for you the readers, if you didn't come and look, I wouldn't write, and I woudln't be in a position I am now.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

More thoughts

Many things make life what it is, but the most important part is yourself.

Reality is a dream, only dreamers think they have no problems.

Life is like a D.I.Y kit, with no insturctions, but a lot of experts telling what your doing is wrong.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Thoughts for the hour

Normality is a state we dream of, but actually there's no such thing as normal..

Confession, though good for the soul is often damaging to the reputation.

Sometimes a good friend is much more valuable than a lover.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Nervous Times

Ok, so things aren't that bad, nothing major is going to happen, or at least I hope not. The reason why I'm feeling a bit nervous is that I've booked a couple of weeks off work from this weekend and while I've only just gone back, this time I'm due to go down to see Lisa next week.

Regular readers here may recall that I was really looking forward to going down to Lisa's around the time of her and my birthdays in September/October of last year. It was cancelled late on due to reasons beyond both of our control's. Now I suffered that week, and anyone reading here will know that. So this time I'm hoping that I'll get down there. I'm slightly nervous as of course I've got around 6 days before I travel down and I sort of don't want to have Lisa calling, emailing me or texting me. Every time she does, I'm expecting to be told I can't go down for what ever reason. It's that sort of time. So I'm a bit nervous, so if my posts become very bouncy in terms of where I go and what I say, it's mainly nervous energy.

This past week has been rather good, nothing major has taken place so far to set me going, in fact, things have been just about ok. So fingers crossed it stays the same.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

3 Stages of Life

Now this could be a real deep post, and I'm sure tht some of you may at first be fearful of what I'm about to write, but please don't be it's nothing deep and nothing too serious, but it will require some thought or at least I hope it will lead to some thought.

Over the past day or so I've been trying or doing should I say, cleaning up my mobile(cell) phone of all the old ringtones that I'd made, and making new ones to replace them. It was started the other week before going down to Cardiff and almost completed yesterday, but I've got a mission to do now, and that's going to take a while to do, possibly tonight or tomorrow, depending on how time goes.

So what has this got to do with the title, well. I'm making ringtones of songs that I've placed on my pc, which is kewl, I've got some real nice stuff on my phone now, but looking at some of the stuff it's like seeing 3 stages of my life pass me by. I've got some of the cheesy music that I liked as a kid, some of the stuff that only kids can like, then we move onto the teenage years. At this point my musical favourites were created and my musical tasted developed. Then my adult life has seen me spread my wings as such in terms of looking at other styles of music and enjoying them equally.

Yesterday however, I revisited my teenage years, I went back in time to when wearing suits with no socks, leg warmers and bright colours were fashion, when Michael Jackson was a musical god, when Don Johnson and Tom Selleck were the hottest things on the screen. Yes, you've guessed it I went back to the 80's. Wow, it's quite trendy right now to like that era, but at times I think it's never been given the credit. Mind you, when you grow up in a period, you never forget it, and that is why I perhaps think it's such a great time. I know a lot of the songs were bad, but it's the same for today and the same for any decade.

I should point out that for all the stuff I found and recalled there was one little song I couldn't find. I thought that I'd found it, but to no avail. I could recall the guitar riff, the drum beat and how the lyrics danced, and even had the word Satellite in my head, but couldn't figure out why. I saw the links to Georgia Satellites and thought I'd cracked it, but no, it wasn't what I wanted. It's real crazy ya know, I can see a couple of tv shows from the 80's that used to be very good for showing music video's that perhaps wouldn't be shown elsewhere, and this song was always on. I know it was more a hit in the US than it was in the UK, but it was one that I could remember.

So with disapointment I left the search and just looked around at some of the songs that I could remember from the 80's and thought about how many of those that I really enjoyed at the time, but then with time realise how bad they were or just how good they have stood the test of time. It's really odd. For some of the younger readers of this blog, you'll be thinking the same in a few years time of the 90's, and whilst you have a rich taperstry of talent to devour over, the 90's just weren't as cool as the 80's. I don't know why, things seemed more created rather than born. I think the 80's was the last decade where fashion and music was born out of imagination rather than a recycled format. That is how it feels today, formulated.

I like some of the stuff being produced today, certainly enjoy the rebirth of the guitar based music. Yet, it's still sounds very early 90's stuff, mixed with 80's metal. That's the thing, it's been done before, and when something original comes along it creates something special. I don't however feel that we are seeing anything too original at the moment.

Here's something though, am I now too old to like modern chart music? Am I out of touch if I think some of the bands are sounding very much like bands from yester year? Do I sound like my own parents? (no, as I like guitar based music, rather than Sinatra and co.).

The good news however is that I remembered what the track was I was looking for yesterday this morning. For those that recall the 80's may recall, "Satellite" by The Hooters. Well that will become a ring tone in the not to distant future..... Anyway, if any of you have an 80's song that you like or think that I may not know of that you like, leave me a message. I may find myself screaming of course, why didn't I think of that!!

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Lost love

This post is for someone, I'm sure they know who it is when they see it......

Wednesday, March 08, 2006


The darkness encapulates the room that I'm in, it encapulates the world at times, but the thing I hate the most is it encapulates me. Well right now, the light which was once bright is fading, I know it, I can feel the odd flicker, it isn't a strong beam. The problem is I'm not sure how to respond to that.

I could spend hours on here writing, and writing about how I feel right now. Something has been written too me, somewhere online. Now there aren't many places where things are written to me, so some of the wiser people might realise where it is.

What was said hurt, hurt deeply. It wasn't intended to hurt, it wasn't intended to take the wind out of my sails, but it has. A simple sentence, has hit me so hard that no matter how I read it, no matter how hard I try to make the darkness stop from engulfing me, it's consuming me like a swarm of locus. It's pretty simple really, by this time tomorrow, I'll be feeling very low, almost suicidal possibly. One sentence has thrown me, and this is what it does. Look at how happy I've been of late, I've not had anything bad to say of myself, but now, right now I have. I hate myself for being the way I am, I didn't want things to be like this, I wanted things to be "normal" I didn't want to have things thrown down my throat. I know I need to be strong, but this sort of thing hurts me, and I can not avoid it.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006


A blank canvas awaits me here, I'm devoid of ideas as to what to write, but want to write something, and thus I will.

Well the snow has all but gone right now, 3 days and hardly any left in sight. The only way I can say it snowed right now from where I am is the small remains of a snowman built by the children next door. It's sitting lonely and sad on the patio, waiting for the final burst of heat to melt it. Poor Mr Snowman, built to last only a few days gives pleasure to it's creator, but then withers away within a few days.

Enough lament, it's something that I'm trying to avoid, there is no real need yet for me to feel bad or sad about myself. Saying that thoguh, I went for a blood test at the doctors yesterday and it says it all, when the nurse turns around to you and tells you that nothing ever goes "normally" for you. I know I've said it myself, but when others do it brings it home. Still I'm not too bothered it almost comfirms my theory about myself.

It was back to work yesterd
ay for me, and though it wasn't too bad, I have to say it was another strange day in a way. We had problems with the door to our work room, the number lock system broke, leaving a colleague trapped inside our room, and then the young person who was due to come out with me, decided he didn't want to come and left me without any work. Strange, as things had gone to plan previously. I don't know why he didn't want to come out with me. Still it's something to explore and something to work on for next time.

It did however create some time for me to spend with my neice as she was around at my mum's having tea and bein
g looked after while mum and dad did various jobs. So after tea, and watching a couple of tv shows, she decided to play cards. So out came the money (grandma's small change jar was emptied and distributed between 3 equally), and off we went. Yes, we had a 9 year old playing cards for money, but when the amounts are 2p a game it isn't too bad and all the monies was returned to the jar afterwards. We also introduced her to the delights of Just A Minute on radio 4, which was fun. As we sat infront of the tv, with the radio on the tv(channel feed, not a physical radio sat on top of the tv.) playing cards, it took my mind back to years passed when I was the youngster playing the same game for the same stakes.

The cheeky grin and eyes that make my neice the one person in the world who can melt any walls I build up away in seconds.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

My, Me, Mine

Well no pictures, no weather report and no sporting report.... Not a lot to go on then some of you might think. Not quite, but I'm sort of going to start down one path and if it goes onto another and then another I won't be complaining and won't be reeling it back in.

I guess the highlight of yesterday was the culmination of Dancing on Ice on tv. Now it's a simple format, for those not from within the UK, it's basically Dancing with Stars, but on ice. It attracted a big audience on the first night mainly I think as it was reuniting Torvill and Dean, who of course are British institutions. The timing was also good as the Winter Olympics were around the corner and the interest in ice dance is always higher at that point. Anyway it has proved to be an enjoyable series and one which has captured a lot of people's attention. Last night being the final, we got to see a abridged version of Bolero by T&D, and the last two finalist's had to do an interpretation of the same music. Why this along with Strictly Come Dancing (Dancing with Stars) should prove to be a ratings winner I'm not sure, but it has and this was fun.

Apart from that nothing in terms of anything happened yesterday, and that isn't a bad thing, as it does prove that I can have time off work and not do much. This past week has been enjoyable, it hasn't recharged the batteries as much as I would have hoped, but I've a feeling that the next holidays in a couple of weeks time will be the one. The day I spent away from Salford was the most enjoyable day in many ways, as it was different to "normal" and come the week break I take at Lisa's I'll be so charged up after that, that I fear I might explode. I should get away more, but it's not always that simple as it's the cost that matters.

Of course money isn't everything to me, but it does help on some issues. Why doesn't money matter though? Well it's simple, money may make things easier to do, like go on holidays or enjoy a better standard of living, but it doesn't always bring self satisfaction and fullfilment. That is the biggest thing in my life, I've got to be happy with me, if I can't be happy with me who can be? I know I've gone through a lot of things, some of them so painful that I'd wish it on no one, but at the end of the day, it's me who lives my life and not anyone else. I have used this statement before, but it's me who see's through my eyes, no you the reader, it's my heart that pumps the blood around my body, not anyone else's and it's my brain that reacts to every stimulant that I come across, not yours. It's my life and I'm in it for me alone.

That last statement is a bit much coming from me I guess, the person that has volunteered for nearly 20 years with children with special needs, who's only jobs has been with children with special needs. Me being the person who would sacrafice my life for my best friend and family. Thinking though in a more abstract way, I only do that out of MY choice it isn't anyone else who would do that? Well perhaps they would, but not for the people I would, and that makes it unique to me, and thus MY choice and MY life. Am I selfish? No I'm not selfish by thinking the way I am, as I said before, no one but ME lives my life and I'm the one with the inside track as to how I need to go about things. Lisa has the best idea of anyone else as to what makes me tick and it's why I turn to her so much. I'm sure that any one who reads this post will have a person who knows them as well as they know themselves and it's the person that they turn too in the moments of crisis or when they are really down.

I can't preach here by declaring that you have to recipricate that for the other person, I'm sure most people would do so, and that in itself is a thing of pride for myself in that I can let others use me for that purpose, knowing that often I won't ask for the same in return. For I see that apart from a select few, i.e. those that have been through similar or those that have grown up with me, are the only ones that really know how to handle my sudden mood swings, or my really acrid remarks when I'm peeved off with them or others.

Enough of all this stuff, I'd wandered down that road and though some of it was thought out before typing it. I had a small break in the process of writing, but that was only for nature and too get dressed. I continued the the line of where I left off. This was a random post, but I'm happy with it, even if it's out of synch with the last few posts. I'm happy, I'm enjoying things, but they can turn, but here's hoping not.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Fun Night

So last night I went to the rugby with Lisa, it's probably been about 14 years or so since we both went to the Willows together. I'd been to the rugby since, though I can't recall when the last time I went to the Willows was. Well last night was so much fun.

It started out I guess at around 4pm when at my mum's she commented that it's snowing. I took note, but didn't expect much of it, over the past couple of weeks it had attempted to snow, but only in little flurries and nothing stuck. I looked up, it wasn't too bad, but within 5 minutes it was full blown British blizzard. I call it a British blizzard, as I'm sure that those that live in places where blizzards are common wouldn't have called this a blizzard. The snow stuck and it started build up, and up about 2 or 3cm's of snow within aroun
d 90 mins. The match was in doubt I felt, only because of the late start of the snow and the density of it. So on getting home I checked for the latest and the match was on.

Lisa and I set off around 7pm, which was sort of early, but as we were walking and not walking at any great pace it took us a while to get to the ground and get ourselves in the ground. On seeing someone I knew, and a breif chat, Lisa and I went and found somewhere to stand, and so we were there, in the middle of the Wigan fans, but we were there all the same
(we knew it was the Wigan end, so it was no suprise). The pre-match entertainment, well it could be called that, but the PA system needed some work, but that's another story for the club as they want to build a new stadium and won't spend on the current one till they get the outcome of an inquiry.

Still the game came and the first half was enjoyable made all the better by Salford winning at the half time hooter. After another 10 minutes or so of similar entertainment that we'd encountered prior to the game, as that finished I went to join the line for the food van, but food wasn't on the list of purchases. The objective was to purchase something warm to drink
, and the only thing that we Brits do when at sporting events that we get cold at, we drink Bovril....... At no other time in our lives do we drink Bovril. Still it was a bloody good cup of Bovril, and steaming hot as well, it went down very well. I would have been tempted by hot Vimto (for you Canadian readers, Vimto is a multi fruit based drink made in Manchester, but drank nationwide).

The second half began and much the same as the first half, Wigan pushed for the scores, but Salford defended well and scored further trys. With the game won, Lisa and I walked home, with smiles on our faces and thinking back to all the times we'd been to watch the rugby and found ourselves
moaning about how bad Salford had been. Also we compared it to the enjoyment factor that we both get from watching United. We both agreed that at some point we'll have to go back again. Oh the joys of summer rugby being played in the snow.....
This is the current view from my window, looing out into the outside world. Taken about 5 minutes ago... Yesterday it was so clear and spring like....

Friday, March 03, 2006

Back Home

Well yesterday was so wonderful, so peaceful and best of all so relaxing. My time spent in Lancaster took me away from everything, and although work phoned me up to tell me a couple of things, which I'm sure could have waited, but I didn't let that spoil the day.

I got up there around 10.30ish, but time isn't really important, I found the new house, which is nice and cosy, and though smaller than the p
revious place a lot better. We chatted for ages on lots of things and laughed about others. We then went for a drive, as it was a little cold to get the bikes out. So we drove the couple of miles into Morcombe, and glad we did, for although rather mild considering what had been expected weather wise, it was cold. That though was as far as it got, as it was a really clear day, and the views across to Cumbria were stunning. With some of the hills being topped off with snow, it was beautiful. The sun was out making all the colours really stand out and the sheer beauty of it was encaptivating.

After a walk up the prom, to look for
a shop I'd bought a mobile in, on a previous visit only to find it shut, we wandered back to the car, via looking in a couple of other shops around the town. We didn't really buy anything, but it was nice just to walk around and look. From Morcombe we headed up to Arnside, which in it's own unique way is sweet. There is a junk shop in the village to which I've been once before, more akin to a Old Curiosity shop than junk, it's like an aladin's den for stuff you wouldn't expect to find. Unfortunately it was shut yesterday, for no reason, but that didn't worry us. We went down and looked in a couple of shops before going to a bakers, which had a little cafe within it. They didn't have a lot left to in way of fare to offer, but what they did was stunning. The warmed pork pie, hit the mark so well, I can only say that unlike many pork pies you get in supermarkets all over, this was made with 100% pork, and not just the mixture.

After getting back into Lancaster we had some tea and sat down chatting away with backgro
und music provided by Julian Cope, of whom I'm growing more and more fond in terms of his music. After letting the tea settle I headed back home, which was fun in itself. Well it wasn't too much fun, but it was just much more chilled than the trip the previous way earlier in the day. In a way, yesterday has made my week off all the worth while and I'm thankful to Lauren and Leanne for giving me the chance to go up and see them.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Times are Marching

Ok, Ok, Ok, it was a bad attempt at a pun, the title that is, but I'm a little lost at how to use the term March without it sounding corny.

Well I'm off to see a friend of mine in Lancaster today and I'm really looking forward to it. I've probably not seen Lauren for about 6 months, and it's nearly a year since I went up to see her. They've moved house since the last time I went up and I was always bad at finding the old one, so I only hope this is a bit easier to find. I'm really glad to be heading to Lancaster as it's a beautiful old city and one which is the original county town of Lancashire, my home county. It is also the same Lancaster that fought the house of York in the War of the Roses, and all the red roses that symbolise England, on things like the rugby team shirts is from the house of Lancaster.

Then on top of all the historical significance to the city, it is also a very nice base to go and explore some of the most outragous countryside in the world. There are still hamlets and villages spotted around the place that produce some of the finest produce in the northern hemisphere. It is one of those places that I could quite happily move too, if I could find it in me to leave Salford. I'm not sure what we'll be doing today, but all I know is that I'll be setting off around 9.30am, be up there for around 10.30 or 11am and the rest as they say will be history.

Tomorrow Lisa is home and we intend to go watch some rugby down at the Willow's the home of Salford City Reds. It's been ages since we did anything like this, and it's going to be fun watching them play Wigan Warriors. They (Wigan, that is) should win, but it's watching the game that matters, I'm a Salford fan, but I'm not tied to them like I am to say a football team. I follow the scores and hope they stay in the top division, which I'm sure they can. The stadia is only about 1.5 miles away from me, and on match days you can hear the crowd when I'm at my mum's. So if I give them a cheer or two tomorrow I'll be fine.