Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Confidence loss?

I need to write something, as once more I'm suffering from what I can only describe as some sort of writers block or a loss of confidence in terms of my own ability to write for my college course.  I don't know what the issue is as I've been told already by the tutor that my previous entry was great, so why I'm now having a issue with confidence now I don't know.

It's strange to be honest, as the topics aren't that big, and I think part of the issue that I'm going through is that we've been given some space in which to write up our answers to the questions and I'm feeling that I have to fill the whole space as well as trying to use more professional language than perhaps I need to.  Is it me trying to prove something to myself or the tutor I don't know?  All I know is that I'm not happy with what I've written, as I feel it's a bit short and not good enough.  I will however speak to the tutor and send the said work in so she can tell me what to do to put this right.

Oh well I'm going to have to finish this now as my course is about to begin, well in 20 minutes, but people are arriving and wanting to know if I'm going into the class, but I'm going to finish this entry.  Well I'll cut it short I guess and go in now.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Busman's Holiday's

So since the last post I've been in hospital and had some surgery, which has gone well.  I'm still a little tender, but that's to be expected, but I'm feeling in very good health and eager to keep going forward.  After the last post went up, a bit of introspection has taken place and whilst I'm not going to go on about what I came up with, I guess I needed the slap in the face that led to the post to wake me up and kick me out of the rut I'd got stuck in without really noticing.

For a change that rut wasn't a negative rut it was more just a rut of doing the same things that kept me away from doing stuff that I should do more often and took my eye of the most important things in my life.  Not that it's damaged anything ( I hope not, nothing has taken place to suggest that anyway).  

So I'm here writing this, full of positivity, yes I said that!!!!  I can't quite believe it either, things have been going well, whilst I could do with not having to do some things in my life, I've got a focus on what I need to do, and what I'm enjoying and that's something I've not had for a long time.  Probably not since I joined Barnardo's as a staff member have I've been so positive about the future, I know that turned sour and has led to lots of work having to be done with myself, to sort my head out, unravel why it got to where it was, what went wrong and why and how to prevent that.  I don't expect I'll ever get the answer to that, I don't know I want to answer it properly.  Needless to say, I'm older, wiser and have learned from it.  I move forward, my confidence building again slowly.  

Time to step away, stop from going further and further into this, there is no need for that right now, and stepping away is good for you, it gives you a break and that's something for a long time I couldn't do or wouldn't do.  To many busman's holidays or jumping in to help out when on holidays, have proved that. 

Sunday, November 03, 2013

Old Habits

It seems like an age since I last posted something in here.  I have to say that this year hasn't been the worse, in fact it's been one of the better years in so many ways.  So I guess I've had little or no reason to moan about, which in turn leads me to posting or at least giving me some inspiration to write.  

Saying that I'm here and thus something is wrong.  Is wrong the right term?  I don't know, maybe I'm a little confused with myself.  I should have gone out yesterday, I had an event to which I had been invited, yet something happened, something which hasn't taken place for many a year.  I got scared of going out, I got nervous about what others would say about me, or what reaction my presence might create.  That hasn't happened for years and I honestly thought I'd gone past that, and it concerns me that I fell back into that position.  

Looking at the situation, I had many people who would know me at the event, and most of them if not all would have made me feel welcome, though had I gone I'd have spent some time doing some training, which would have taken myself and someone else away from the event, which perhaps set me off over thinking about my attendance.  Moving past that, I started to think of those that I didn't know going to the event, and having experienced stress at a workshop earlier in the year, this event and that converged in my head and for that reason I began to question if I should attend, no not should attend, it was more would me being there cause issues for myself and others, and the more I thought the more I felt it could and just that little could, no matter how small won the battle.  It shocked me that this went through my mind and saddens me as well, however it had been and gone, now is the time to rebuild my confidence I guess.  

To do the later I've got to start small and build up all over again.  I know the tricks that I've used previously and so it's back to the foundations and begin once more.  

What else is going on?  Well I've started college and that seems to be going fine, however my self confidence in my own work isn't there and perhaps what took place this weekend is a consequence of that, I'm just trying to stop myself repeating former tricks and yet I can't prevent somethings happening.