Sunday, January 23, 2011


I was going to write a post as to why some days seem to drag whilst others fly past, but I'm sure that I've done that one before. Today is one of those days that's dragging along slower than a snail. I'm not sure why this is the case, if anything it should be flying by as I didn't get out of bed till around 7.45, which though only 30 minutes or so later than I would normally I felt as if I was behind on the day before it started. However when I look at the clock and find it's not even midday I'm puzzled as to why it is. Maybe it's because since I woke up, apart from becoming brighter outside, the sky outside has been a mottled grey coloured all day, seemingly no change.

So another day another post this is almost a regular thing at the moment, but I guess it isn't a bad thing, I've said before it's good to write. So the past few days, I may have not been too creative in terms of what I've written, but I don't care. I've been able to spend some time here typing away, forcing myself to think either about me or about an emotion or even just to try and think of something to write. It's giving myself some time to do something other than read or contemplate comments on a forum.

Mind you it also free's my mind to explore other things like the up coming presentation that I've got. I've altered it from the original version that I had from last year, not much but the change is there. I don't know if it's going to be taken as well, but I need to change it before I can promote it elsewhere, I need different version to keep it fresh. By looking at that and also doing some research into it, it's widening my train of thought which again is good. Though of course as the forth coming presentation gets closer the more inclined I am to want to change the presentation completely and try and do something completely different with it, however that would be crazy right now, I'd have to do so much work to do that and why would I want to change something that worked well last year completely? I think that's the insecurity within me, perhaps it's why I've not gone out and tried to get other places to take a chance on me. However I've had others say it's good, and not only the tutor from last year, but from those in the community. I just hope that I can get enough confidence from the upcoming performance to say yes, it's time to expand this.

I guess the above is showing my own levels of insecurity and nervousness about self promotion of myself. I've never been much good on that and whilst I've tried to boost my self belief, self confidence, I guess that all the crap that has taken place or gone against me or the perceived bad luck etc, turns me into a negative person when talking about myself. I shouldn't because I know I'm not as bad as I claim I am, but yet I like others probably knock themselves down rather than build themselves up. Though I doubt others would knock themselves down as much as myself, but with everything that has taken place (there I go again), I just seem to want to put myself down at the bottom all the time.

If I'm honest, I'm proud of the presentations that I did last year, I haven't had a bad word about it yet, and so why should I be so unsure of it's worth outside of where it's been seen? I don't? I think it's more about me selling me rather than what I can do. That's the issue, more than keeping the presentation fresh as such. It does the job it's supposed to do on the label and of that I'm sure. It's the selling of me, the lack of confidence in me that's the issue. So I'll be positive and set myself a little goal, once the presentation is done at Leigh this year, I'll ask for a testament from the tutor to it's effectiveness, to which I'll glean a quote from and add that to or the whole thing I'm not sure yet to a letter and I'll send to at least 5 colleges with a view to doing the presentation there either this academic year or next. I may even ask for a testament from one of the students as well.

Saturday, January 22, 2011


When I grow tired of all the visual images that I digest in a day I know it's time to rest, it's time to stop looking and sleep. Yet, I've never been a big sleeper in my life, I went many years with roughly 3 hours sleep per night, I can happily live off that, but would rather not. Sleep is a wonderful thing, it rests the mind, the eyes and body, something that no matter hard one tries you just can't do voluntarily as well as sleep. So why go on about sleep today? Well it's something that whilst I'm getting enough of, of late I'm not sure if it's of great quality.

Still one sleeps more now than I used, so no matter how good a quality sleep I get I shouldn't complain. This isn't a complaint either, it's just that I know my sleep isn't great, I don't think I hit deep sleep as often as I used to. Perhaps due to the small amount of sleep I used to get, I'd hit deep sleep quicker and would feel way better after say 3 hours than I do now after 5 or so hours. I guess having stresses keeping one awake possibly made sleep better. So would I swap stess for longer sleep time? A simple answer that isn't it, No I wouldn't.

It's the weekend now, and I have often wondered why the weekend has a different feel to it. It's odd isn't it, in that even if you are working it's slightly different to Monday to Friday. I'm not sure what it is that makes it so different, if I could pinpoint that difference I'd possibly make a fortune in the book that describes the reason why. I think it's the same with holidays, most people take them, and feel better for them, yet they are just ordinary days, but perhaps you just spend them doing different things. I'm sure it could be described due to people being a bit more relaxed, but I'm not sure that's the only reason as to why holidays and subsequently weekends feel different to 'normal' days.

Waffling, I'm waffling, I just want to write something that has some meaning, but am struggling to write anything. I could have written about my visit to my former workplace yesterday, but I didn't want to do that, and so I've waffled to try and find inspiration as to something to write, something that perhaps means something or stirs up emotions inside of me. I like writing stuff that stirs up emotions in me, they dont' have to be happy or sad, they can be any emotion, I'm sure or at least I hope that comes out in my writing. I've said many a time that writing is cathartic for myself, it eases away the emotions as I write about them. I think it's the thought process and the options that I present myself when writing about what ever that is the important thing. I'm not saying that I ever follow what I've said I'd do, or if I do it's not always the correct thing to do, but it's perhaps important at that point in time to do something rather than nothing. I've got nothing to explore and hence the waffling, but I just want to write and I'm not one for writing fiction, I've tried and whilst I used to be rather creative or at least I thought I was when I was 9 or 10, that was soon banished into the oblivion. I have plenty of stories to tell, but none of them would be original, or should I say none of the story lines would be original, perhaps the story would be, but too many stories have been written before hand, to make anything original these days.

Wow this has sounded rather negative considering how I stated that I wanted to be more positive, but I am being positive, I'm not trying to kick myself here, this is just me being honest and whilst it may seem to be hurtful and self derogitory, I don't take that way, I look at what I've put and say yeah that's me, but I'm so much better with other things in my life, I know I'm good at those things and whilst I want to improve like we all want to improve, there are things and times when one has to accept that the margins for improvement is less than perhaps we would like or expect of ourselves. We have to accept who we are, rather than continuing to imagine that perfect reality that we dream about, reality is a dream, only dreamers think they don't have any problems.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Domino Days

Crumbs, things do happen all at once don't they? Like this blog, I don't add for ages and then along come a small flurry of posts...

Well, today has been just one of those "Typical Days", in the life of me. I was being positive in yesterday's post and I'm trying to stay that way, however I sit here and wonder where half of that positivity has gone. OK, so this morning was going to be predictable, I went down to Asda to purchase some printer cartridges, which are the cheapest I can find, so off I trots on a gentle couple of mile walk, only to find they didn't have any of the own brand in, but the official brand ones were there, both of them were virtually £10 dearer than the own branded versions. So I didn't buy and so on the way back I detoured to my mum's to pick up a Christmas present from my niece, what a lovely present it was too, a mug..... Not any old mug though it's got Blinky on it!!! Now who's Blinky?? He's the red ghost from Pac Man, yes I've got a pac man mug!!! Pac Man is my second geeky obsession along with Star Wars. Sad I know, but Blinky, Inky, Pinky and Clyde are cool, I guess the only thing for me to do now is go and find the rest of the collection of mugs with the other ghosts and Pac Man himself on it.

That's one good, against one bad, nothing too problematic I guess, oh and a card from one of my aunts was with it. So with that in my bag, I set off for home, thinking I'd find something for tea at the new Tesco's on the way home, well we know what thought did, so that didn't happen. I got home, started to watch a couple of tv shows, only to get a phone call from my mum, telling me the aunt that I'd got the card from today, had died today... two down, so that wasn't the best news I'd heard.

Later on I got another phone call, telling me that for some reason the insurance brokers I had my home insurance with had decided to renew it even though I'd told them not to, and that they think I owe them money... I'm sorry but I said no, so why it was renewed I don't know, and I've not got the money I'm alleged to owe them. So that sort of killed the day completely. What started out as any other day, collapsed under negativeity, luckily I'm in a position to deal with it, and writing about it helps. All I am going to say is FU*K the lot of it, tomorrow's another day and it's going to be better. Well it will be after paying some bills and carrying the washing to the laundrette.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Looking Forward

As the last entry was a review, this is a look forward or should I say an evaluation of 2011 before 2011 has begun. Now it would be easy to say that I would like a better 2011, and that I would love to be able to pick the numbers for tomorrow's £10m lottery roll over, and that I'll live happily ever after. It ain't going to happen though is it? I mean what are the chances? So 2011 is going to be the year I try to stay positive.

I'm going to continue to lose weight, as and where I can I'll do some big walks, and hopefully that will include the Manchester Shine Walk, all 26 miles. I've got my targets in that department, but of course I don't want to rush it with a mad diet and lose lots of weight in one go. I've enjoyed losing it slowly and being able to eat near enough what I've wanted over the past 7 or 8 months. Not having enough money to buy lots of food has helped, and plenty of pasta is good anyway for giving me energy to walk further and quicker.

In terms of employment, of course that would be nice, I've one or two things that I would really like to do, but it's waiting fo them to appear. If I can get the post that I know is coming I'll be happy. If not perhaps I'll start to do more presentations and to different colleges, however I'd like to get a couple of accounts on how it helped the students to help with my marketing. That may not be a regular income and won't be able to pay my way, but it would be a bit of extra money in the pocket I guess.

So onto my personal life, well the later months of 2010 were better in terms of socialing, and I hope that I can continue that through 2011. I'm making new friends, I've made up with old friends and so things are better than they were this time last year. I'm going out more to see people, which at least means I'm not trapped in this place on my own forever and a day, I'm actually engaging myself. I need to do more of that, only last night I was wanting to play Trivial Pursuit or Monopoly, or even Scrabble to engage my brain and challenge it to do some thinking. That's given me an idea to propose to some people....

Here's to 2011, let it be full of positives, let it be full of the number 19, number 12 and number 4, and if that's the case then it would also include number 2..... Now I doubt any of those who pass by will understand that, as it may be codes, but hey I'll wait and see.