Thursday, February 17, 2005

Hardest Drug

Well it looks like the cold that I had a couple of weeks ago has returned. I don't know why it has either, it's not like I did anything to help this. I know that I washed my hair last night, but I dried it before going to bed, more so as I've just got myself a new hair dryer. This is seriously screwing me up now. This cold has cost me a hospital appointment, which to date hasn't been rearranged either.

So what else has gone on? Well the self examination took place, but it's not been 100% successful this time. I know that I'm around 75% certain to apply for the job at Barnardo's, but I'm still around 90% sure that I can't work there right now. It's an interesting situation I find myself in. I do wish life would be a bit easier for me every now and again. I've worked all my life to find happiness, but like I keep telling people, happiness is a drug. It's much harder than any other drug in the world, because once experienced, you want more and more, and it's harder to find once you've found it once. I'm sure that at some point in my life I'll look back and smile at things, and think to myself why did I worry? That point isn't here right now though is it!

I'm not sure what adventure is going to unfurl itself today, it's a damp squalid morning here in beautiful Salford. It's the type of day you wish you can stay indoors and do nothing, but it's also one of those days that if you did such a thing, you regret it. So I'll have to get out and do something, and see if something really good happens.

The hockey season in Canada was called off yesterday, and though of no great suprise to those who have followed the sport, it's a crying shame. The players aren't greater than the clubs, and they should be respectful that they've been so well paid for the jobs they do. They should also understand that the fruit tree isn't always as plentyful as it has been. Right now the fruit is drying up and less is available, such is life you have to accept it. Of course they want to maintain the standard of living, but most of these guys earn more in a month than I do in a year, and they feel that it's unfair to take a pay cut. Well if they had to live off just $1200 a month, they'd soon be grateful. I'd do there job if they offered me the chance, most Canadian's would, so get it sorted lads.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

No Drugs

How do you finish something that you enjoy and that no one wants you to finish? That's the problem I have right now. I don't want to end working on the Monday night group, but I don't want to work with the person running this group now. It's not the person who I started to work with back in September, and I know the new person. She means well, but already there is a problem between us. She's already trying to impose on this group, and that's wrong! She's only been to the group once, and this group is for teenage lads, they do laddish things, they will swear and burp, it's in there nature. It's a good job we got rid of those who use to beat each other up, and lock each other out of the building.

Going back to the problem at hand, I really like the group, it's got a great collection of lads in it, and the banter is very strong. I fear that this group will get lost into the hitherto unknown, I fear the group will become very regimented, no freedom. If I stay though it would be going back on my word to quit and that's something I don't want to do, it would have been an idle threat and that's something I don't want it to be. I wish that the powers that be had come to me, and suggested I take the group on, on my own. It would have been a smoother transition.

Anyway, it's something for me to take a step away from myself and look seriously at. It's something I've not done for a long time. So tonight, after having a shower and washing my hair, the candle's will go on. The Doors will be playing and I'll be drifting out of myself and taking a long hard examination of where I'm at. Sounds spooky and odd, but I know what I'm doing and no drugs as well.....

What else? Well not too much is going in life, though saying that after tonight I may have a clearer view of where to go in terms of life and jobs. If i come out with a positive I may be able to apply for the job at Barnardo's, and then again I may not. It's not that simple, but a clearer picture may develop. Ok, I'm going leave this here, as it's a bit more of a diary entry than a catch up or a mood description. I do sound brighter than I was last month, but that doesn't mean that I am any better..

Monday, February 14, 2005


Well, it's early on a Monday morning, a special Monday morning for some as is it's Valentine's Day. Not that I'll get any Valentine's, my record is perfect, 33 Valentine's day's and 0 cards.... I'm very impressed with that one. Still that isn't why I'm feeling reasonably happy.

This weekend my soccer team won!! Ok, that's not unusual at all, but it is ever so much better when it's your local rivals. To beat the team in the same city you live in makes life oh so much easier for the next 6 or 7 months till the next encounter. I can't tell you how sweet it is, knowing that we'll see no blue City shirts in town today. To hear the excuses rolling off there tongues.

Apart from that this weekend has seen a spring clean at my place, and I look as if I've got a flat again to live in rather than a pig sty. Ok, it wasn't that bad, but it was for me and it's me that has to live in here. I wish it was bigger and that would encourage me to tidy up more often. Odd that I know, but it's the way it is. Anyway I'm going to leave here, with an apology. I wrote on Friday, probably the worst entry in here EVER. I had little to say, I'd had a drink, and I thought I'd be able to waffle on, about anything and everything similar to what I'm doing now. Instead I got writers block and that showed. I'm sorry folks.....

Friday, February 11, 2005

So here we are on another day, and another thought as such. I've not got a lot to say today to be honest, but I thought I'd try and write something.

I've yet to receive a new date for the minor surgery that I had to cancel last week, so I'm waiting for that to arrive. It's a bit frustrating that I had to cancel, but it was for the best I guess, and as things haven't really got sorted since last week in terms of the cold I have it's a good job I didn't go down to the hospital.

Over the next couple of weeks, I hope to find myself a new job, it's been difficult over the past few weeks. I need to find something to challenge me, something which will push me to my limits and further me. If that is out of the child care system, then so be it, but I don't want it to be.

This isn't a very good post, but I hold no apologises I've got very little else to say today.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005


It hasn't been that long since I posted here, so I guess I'm getting better again or it's the fact that I'm feeling creative. Still it's here and I need to stop starting off like this I guess. Mind you, at least I don't have to apologise this time.

Well then it's now Feb 9th and since I last posted, the darkest day of the year has pasted in terms of external loves. No this isn't Valentine's Day I'm talking about, but more like the anniversary of the Munich Air Crash. This accident 47 years ago now destroyed one of, if not the finest club football team there ever has been. 8 of the team were killed. How would any club cope with that now, let alone then!! It is something that will never leave Manchester United fans, it's something that EVERY Manchester United fan should know about, and that day is sacred.

Ok, so for the that I wept on Sunday, I observed my minutes silence, and prayed for the Babes. That was normal, but this year was almost spoilt by some little American, to whom I'm not going to mention. Suffice to say that he's not wanted, not by the club, the players, the staff and most of all the fans. If he any idea of what he was doing, he'd have waited at least another week before announcing to the world that he wanted to buy the club, last Sunday.

Enough of the ranting about football, this is a story which will run and run, and will take my emotions with it. Things aren't that bad right now, but things aren't much good. I'm at the end of the tether right now in terms of jobs. I've only seen one post recently that I think I can do, and think I could get, that one being the job at Barnardo's, but right now I'm more in the mood to stop volunteering for that organisation. I was hurt badly the other day by a couple of people who would become my work colleagues. That comes on top of what happend the last time posts became available, when the manager did the same thing. I'd just about managed to put that behind me and convinced myself that I could work for her again. Now this happens and I've got to look into myself and see if I could work with these people.

This of course isn't good, as this is one or the only things I know and it would be possibly the worst thing I could do, in not applying for the job, but I really do have to consider my actions. No matter how many times I hear the words sorry from the person who upset me, it can't take it away.

I have however found that a friend of mine has moved into a flat just down the road from me. It's like a 2 minute walk to her place, so I've got someone to go and talk too if I get to lonely, and of course it's someone to go and grab to go out for a drink. She'll regret moving in so close to me, but then again she has already used this to her advantage, so it's going to be a two way thing.

Anyway, today's getting underway! The slate grey sky is starting to be pierced by shades of blue and my mum, my neice and I are going on a shopping trip. It's going to be a fun day me thinks, after yesterday's cinema trip. Schools are out here for half term holidays, so that's why I've got my niece. It's one of the few times in the year that I get regular access to her, and so I've got to make the most of it. She's a little terror like most children are, so it's fun to be around her.

Friday, February 04, 2005


Well, I haven't got too long to write this message, but I have enough time and it's also an indicator as to how far my shoulders and have come over the past few weeks. It's also an indication of my own typing skills and how much more I need to practise. I do know that I've slacked off on that front of late.

Anyway, why do I let others who shouldn't affect me affect me? I've got to try and understand this. Why do 3 or 4 little words hurt more than a full blown attack? I can handle someone popping at me all the time, or even launching into a 5 or 10 minute verbal attack, but when someone who has never said a thing against you comes out with 4 words, why do they go through me like a knife in the heart? Am I too sensitive? I don't think so! I've seen enough over the years to be desenitive. Am I fragile? Yes, that's certainly something to look into. I'm far too fragile in mind. My confidence, my self belief has been hurt. It's never strong, so when it's attacked I die a thousand horrible deaths.

So what's the result? Well I'm cutting back on volunteering at Banardo's for one, two I'm seriously up to 90% of not going for the job there. I can't work in an environment where people will do this too me. I might as well stay at home and not have to endure that. I'm going to see how much I can claim in benefits and then live off them forever. I can't see any other option.

Life is so unfair.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Not Funny

This isn't a funny thing, but my bookmarks on my pages have all vanished. How does one find them?? I'm trying to recall all the pages that I had bookmarked over at least a 18 month period and even then, that's a fraction of what I once had. I'm not laughing, not that I'm too concerned there were pages that I wouldn't let go for what ever reason, which have now gone, but none the less it's freaking crazy.

It's been a while again since I last posted anything here, but I'm still going to keep going. I made myself a promise and that's something I'm going to keep. I've had the results back of my liver biopsy, and to prove how abnormal I am they have told me they don't wish to see me again. They say my liver is normal for one which functions in a abnormal manner. How crazy is that one?? I've now got to get my shoulders sorted and I'm on my way. Mind you I was due in hospital yesterday for some surgery, but had to have that cancelled as I have had a head cold. This pissed me off no end, but of course with me being on anti-depressants right now I wasn't too happy.

What did make me happy though was watching the football on the television last night United beating Arsenal at Highbury (Arsenal's ground) was something to cheer me up. I can't recall seeing a better match than that for a good few years, I'd say at least going back as far as 1999. So I was in a better frame of mind by the time I got in last night. Still it's only a short term happiness, nothing long term and though I'm finding my feet again things need sorting. I'm waiting for the application form from Banardo's to arrive and then I will fill that one in. I don't know if working for them would be any better than where I am right now, but hell it can't be any worse.

So I'll leave this quick and brief update on my life. I'm sorry for the infrequency of the posts these days, but I do forget or just don't think I can right all the nasty stuff that goes on. A lot of the stuff that's in my head isn't for public consumption I promise you, but it would be better for me to write down. I should start a private diary, but that would only turn into a journey to the dark side. So this is the Jedi diaries in that sense.