Friday, January 10, 2014

Consumed by irrationality

I looked back on the past year with one of joy, I have even allowed someone to take my joy for this forthcoming year away for themselves, as they deserve it, and it's the only person I would that for.  I've given enough dark thoughts and memories to them, that all my joy is only a small pay back.

However, here I sit in my flat wondering where one of my eternal quirks has come from.  I came to a decision a week or so ago and I planned everything to the nth degree.  It would take some sort of thing for me to do, as it's something that I don't do often, but in the past have for short periods of time felt OK in doing.  The rest of the time I've been totally irrational about it.  I don't know what set me off, even as a young child, I recall having to be forcible restrained just to get through this, and why that was, no one has really explained.  

So then today, I built myself up, had everything sorted and went out. Then I simply couldn't go through a door, all I had to do was open the door and that would be it, but I couldn't even get through the door.  Then the only time I could go through a door, others walked in and I just couldn't stick around and all the old issues that I thought I'd beat woke up.  I really don't know why I do this, its crazy and frustrating, I'll try again tomorrow, but fear tomorrow may be worse.  Which then leaves me with a prolonged period where I won't be able to do this again.  Maybe one day I can conquer this unfathomable behaviour, but I would have thought I'd have done this by now.   

Tuesday, January 07, 2014


The world is spinning around as it does always, day follows night and night follows day.  It may be  a new year, but on the whole things are no different.  I'm trying to get through a load of stuff that needs doing, whilst also trying to make sure that I'm not over doing it.  

Whilst I'm not exactly coughing and spluttering everywhere nor am I full of a runny nose, I'm aware that I've got a bit of a cold.  I found to my cost earlier today how much, or how much it's taking out of me when I went for a walk.  Whilst altering my normal route to a variation that I have done before, I forgot that I had a nice hill to climb and yes I got up to the top I could sense my chest tightening up, and so I had to try and regulate my breathing whilst still pushing myself.  Thankfully I had taken a prescription out with me to collect a new inhaler, which aided me right at the tail end of the walk.  I'd taken my inhaler prior to walking, so this was most certainly down to the cold.  I'll go for a far flatter route tomorrow.  

I guess that sort of suggests that I'm going for some sort of fitness thing this year.  Well I want to regain some strength in the legs and lungs and perhaps do the Midnight walk again this year.  I would have done the Manchester Shine, had it not been cancelled last year.  So any idea's of doing a walking marathon are on hold for now.  No, I want to lose a few more pounds for sure, I've been losing for a while, but if I can accelerate that then all the better, I've still got a bit to go before I hit the weight I want to be.  

Something has come up recently that has got me thinking, my niece said something to me, which gives me a entry point to a conversation that I've known I'd have to have with her at some point.  However, I don't want to rush in to that, as it's a hell of an important conversation and one that could hurt me badly.  It's going to take some time and thought to get my words into some form or other, and then I'll go completely off track as ever I'm sure of it.