Friday, January 10, 2014

Consumed by irrationality

I looked back on the past year with one of joy, I have even allowed someone to take my joy for this forthcoming year away for themselves, as they deserve it, and it's the only person I would that for.  I've given enough dark thoughts and memories to them, that all my joy is only a small pay back.

However, here I sit in my flat wondering where one of my eternal quirks has come from.  I came to a decision a week or so ago and I planned everything to the nth degree.  It would take some sort of thing for me to do, as it's something that I don't do often, but in the past have for short periods of time felt OK in doing.  The rest of the time I've been totally irrational about it.  I don't know what set me off, even as a young child, I recall having to be forcible restrained just to get through this, and why that was, no one has really explained.  

So then today, I built myself up, had everything sorted and went out. Then I simply couldn't go through a door, all I had to do was open the door and that would be it, but I couldn't even get through the door.  Then the only time I could go through a door, others walked in and I just couldn't stick around and all the old issues that I thought I'd beat woke up.  I really don't know why I do this, its crazy and frustrating, I'll try again tomorrow, but fear tomorrow may be worse.  Which then leaves me with a prolonged period where I won't be able to do this again.  Maybe one day I can conquer this unfathomable behaviour, but I would have thought I'd have done this by now.   

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