From chaos and stress to something a bit less

It's been a few days since I last posted and whilst a lot calmer I'm still flirting around in my mind.  I think that had I not been off work for so long recovering from my hip surgery I'd be tempted to go on the sick right now.  Even saying that suggests that regardless I should be doing just that.  However, please hear me out.  I know I'm capable of working, I know that come start time I'll be in work mode and I'll be doing my job.  It's the time I'm not working that my mind is flirting around.  Perhaps I need to structure my days better, as I'm struggling to fill them of late and that hasn't been the case all the time during this lock down, I believe that the reason for this is that my mind is whirling around with so many issues. 

Still it's not as bad as it was and I'm not as negative as I was over the weekend.  I think I did myself a favour on Sunday by sitting down and watching films all day and not really looking at what was going on online.  I knew what was going on and how the situation wasn't great, but I couldn't face another day of negativity and needed to give myself some sort of break.  It helped, and yes I need to do a bit more of that for my own health, so let's see how I do. 

On Thursday, I've got a eye health check, I'm concerned that this may lead to things being discovered about my health, that I don't want to hear.  However, lets face the facts it's better to know that not and if I'm not 100% then let's get me better and the sooner the better.  Of course the problem that I have is that the last time I wasn't well I ended up on the steroids that led to my hip needing to be replaced.  While the recovery from that surgery has been fine, I'd rather not have to get the other one done if I can avoid it, but would be slightly fearful if given the same sort of dosage of steroids if in fact the sarcoidosys has returned.

Not again

I'm not sure how long between post I know it's not long what so ever.  Either way I return once again to write and express some of my issues which need work on and try and unpack everything. 

Writing the previous post delayed my whole day if I'm being honest, I'd intended to get out of the flat early to head to the shops find something for my tea which would have meant doing quite a bit of work cooking, even if it was only for me, I just wanted to pamper myself.  I got the email which sparked my climb up to the top of the slide and jumping onto it. I then started writing and writing and getting lost in my thoughts, finding them and calming down which spoilt my writing process.  I paused for breakfast, came back with focus on what to write and then I got distracted and that focus left and so I wandered from that and the previous post jigs and jags all over. 

I finally got myself ready to go out, but in doing so it scratched the surface of so mnay of my problems that I had to write again.  I know what the issue is, I know what the action to remedy this situation is and I've moved to do something about it about 3 to 4 years ago.  I followed it up, about a year or so later and we are still waiting for the outcome.  It's so frustrating, I know right now nothing will be done, nothing an be done due to the pandemic, but I'm just hearing nothing and no matter how much I chase it up nothing seems to be going forward and it's frustrating.  I could if I would get this sorted myself, but I can't afford to do that and so I've got to wait for help, but it's just not coming soon enough.  I don't know how to deal with it properly, it's having a huge effect on me in terms of self confidence which is low anyway. 

As I was going to go out, now I'm stopping in, I'm not going to go out which isn't great it isn't helpful but it's the only way forward.  I know what I need to do, but

a) I don't think I can do without fear or opinion

b) Imposition and I don't know that even if I did do people would understand. 

Life isn't great, I'm not great...  Hopefully soon

frustration

Why is something so little as an appraisal at work causing me so much frustration?  Why is it causing me so many problems? 

I struggled to write it initially, but completed a draft version and sent it to my manager who subsequently returned it with justifiable responses on it, but it exploded a bomb within me.  It was the thing that pushed me over the edge recently and forced an intervention.  I did write a second version that was so much more negative and subsequently sent that off.  Since then a newer version has been constructed, but it isn't sitting well with me.  Reading it back just makes me want to quit my job, it's causing me to feel inadequate and pointless.  I honestly am not sure why this is causing me so many issues, but it is.  I guess by coming here to write I'm going to try and see if by writing about it I can explore this situation.

So where did it start?  I think trying to describe how I see I contribute in the wider scheme of things was a something I hadn't expected and to be frank I see myself as a rather minor cog in a much wider machine, in the past I often saw myself as a person who would hold ladders for others, assisting them to start to climb the ladder and offering support to climb well beyond where I was.  Why was that?  Why when at that point in time I felt that I was more than a competent in my job?  In fact I felt I was one of the best in my role, so what made me want to help further others than myself but allowed me to do so fairly stress free??  I'm not sure, what's changed?  I've moved from the area of work that I had been comfortable with to a different area, but I feel equally as comfortable with so why am I stressing myself out with this? 

After starting this entry, I made my breakfast and ate it, posted a post on facebook and sent an email.  It's important to note that as this has given me time to think a bit and to calm down a bit.  That though isn't enough for me to close this down I need to examine why this is causing me to let me spiral down as much as it is. 

Looking back, have I ever had a position where by I felt that management have trusted me?  I have to ask this as it's something has just come to mind.  Going back to working in the school all those years ago, the head teacher was constantly questioning why I continued to stay in the post as for him it wasn't a job for me to stay in.  I know his reasoning was, but he had no idea about the situation and I was enjoying my job.  I've always said that pay isn't important for me, it's job satisfaction that has always played a big part for me.  If I'm enjoying what I'm doing, if I'm getting satisfaction from what I do then financial reward isn't important, it's nice but not important.  I moved around the schools as previously discussed in this blog I'm sure many moons ago, so won't go through that story again.  Needless to say that where I ended up I was in a situation where I wasn't going to move forward, where I wasn't doing what I wanted to do and so I left.  I moved over to Barnardo's and as soon as I arrived the management that I'd been used to working with as a part time member of staff and volunteer moved on, and the new structure wasn't great, but I was enjoying my job even if the internal politics made to a difficult environment, but the job itself was fine.  Then of course we had the situation at the end which turned against me, and yes I'd been warned people were out to get me, but I ignored it and they got me. 

Now I'm in my current role, my management is way better, this isn't a slight on them, but perhaps I'm hessitant of them. I'm not as nervous as I once was with supervision or appraisals as I was at the end of my spell at Barnardo's, but I'm no fan of them.  I think that with all the issues that was brought up in supervision meetings there and even with all the effort to make things turn around there which failed I'm wary of any negativity towards my work, I am probably looking into it to much rather than looking forward, I'm looking at stuff backwards fearing going forward.  I see patterns of the past withn what's happening right now and I guess I'm scared of what's happening, scared of history repeating myself. 

This has gone off on a tangent but if I didn't do that, it wouldn't be me would it. 

So where is this going?  I think I'm trying to discover where the self confidence and belief vanished, why I can't rediscover it, why I'm nervous?  I do think that through the later years of work in school and at Barnardo's I felt that pepole were either discriminating against me or just didn't like me for what ever reason.  My own personal situation comes back into it of course, I've pacified too many rather than helping myself in that area to my own disadvantage.  I allowed others close to me to dictate how I progessed and I know now that I was foolish to do that and it's really hurt me.  I have no idea how to correct that right now, I fear it's way to late.  With that situation I think that it's going to be something that I will carry with me throughout my life and into anything I do and so I have to face up to it.  Even now I know I'm skirting around it.  I'm playing it safe, well I'm not I know the issue but I'm not writing it down.  I know what it is, so at least I can deal with it I guess.  What I need to learn is how to seperate things and try and gain some confidence back into my work life even if I can't in my own life. 

Where as I've just said I need to seperate personal issues from work issues, I have to accept that right now it is fairly impossible.  I'm depressed, my personal loneliness is really effecting me, I know that things are difficult right now, being in a lock down where we can't go out and all social activities are effectively shut, I've not been able to socilalise with others which has really caused me problems.  I don't think I really spotted it till this work apprailsal came into my mail box.  It's strange how one thing so simple exploded the other, there is no corrilation between the two.  Having accepted that, I reverted to some help in terms of anti deppressants again, I start to rebuild myself, but it's a slow process. It's difficult as some of the issues that I alluded to above come into play here.  I don't like forcing myself onto people, I don't like intruding and certainly during the current situation.  I unlike a lot of others that I know am single, I don't have someone to talk to at home or to worry about.  Everyone else does and everyone else has other friends and so I'm not that important in the scheme of things I live alone so I should be able to cope better than most during this period, yet obviously not. 

During this blog I have realised I like many I guess hate to fail, it's abhorent to me, but I notice how much I have failed and how much I hate it and thus I don't want any more.  This is a huge issue with the appraisal isn't it.  I don't want to fail any further, bt having targets being set that I can't see me acheiving seems to be setting me up to fail rather than progressing which is being suggested..  The progress which is beng suggested is beyone me there is no way I can acheive that.  I know some thinkI can, but I can't I'd fail so badly that I'd possibly in a worse situation than I'm in now.  I can't afford to let that happen.  I have to be realistic, I just want to achieve a sembelance of peace and happiness,but to get to that I've got a long, long road to go, and some where in the middle of that journey I have to stop hating on myself, hating myself and consider myself worthy.

12 months since

So it's been 12 months since I last posted and whilst I've been in good health and mentally OK in that period, over the past couple of months my mood has dropped and I need to revisit here and post something new again. 

The world has changed a lot since the last post we have been on lock down now for over 3 months, this Covid19 pandemic has altered the world considerably, what was the norm is no longer and we are having to discover new ways of working, socialising and generally live.  It hasn't been easy for anyone in many ways.  For myself the isolation has really hurt me, previously I've identified isolation and loneliness as being issues I suffer from, and yet again I've not been able to cope.  I must say I can deal with it for long periods, possibly longer now than I could have years ago, but that doesn't mean I cope any better when it hits home. 

A few weeks back I collapsed into one of my dark moods, it wasn't anything that had taken place, just a progressive fall due to not really seeing anyone for around 10 weeks.  Yes, going to the shops, and working online means I do see people, but I can't say that I'd seen anyone that I knew to talk to outside of work in that period.  I went from being in a reasonable place to dark ally very quickly and worrying to a point.  Thankfully my work colleagues spotted my decent and came to my rescue.  I'm slowly rebuilding myself again, but am awaiting some counseling  as I know that I need to explore what went wrong and to look at new coping strategies as I fear my trusted strategies are starting to fray around the edges.  A new perspective and new ideas are in order. 

In the midst of this I want to step back from battles to give myself total focus and strength to rebuild, but I just can't seem to be able to.  Thus whilst not in a bad place I'm low on energy and can see me treading water rather than climbing out, I should be climbing out and putting myself on solid ground, but me being me seemingly won't allow myself to do that.  So I struggle on and hope that things improve, I don't hold much hope out for the short term future, but hopefully in the longer term for sure.