frustration

Why is something so little as an appraisal at work causing me so much frustration?  Why is it causing me so many problems? 

I struggled to write it initially, but completed a draft version and sent it to my manager who subsequently returned it with justifiable responses on it, but it exploded a bomb within me.  It was the thing that pushed me over the edge recently and forced an intervention.  I did write a second version that was so much more negative and subsequently sent that off.  Since then a newer version has been constructed, but it isn't sitting well with me.  Reading it back just makes me want to quit my job, it's causing me to feel inadequate and pointless.  I honestly am not sure why this is causing me so many issues, but it is.  I guess by coming here to write I'm going to try and see if by writing about it I can explore this situation.

So where did it start?  I think trying to describe how I see I contribute in the wider scheme of things was a something I hadn't expected and to be frank I see myself as a rather minor cog in a much wider machine, in the past I often saw myself as a person who would hold ladders for others, assisting them to start to climb the ladder and offering support to climb well beyond where I was.  Why was that?  Why when at that point in time I felt that I was more than a competent in my job?  In fact I felt I was one of the best in my role, so what made me want to help further others than myself but allowed me to do so fairly stress free??  I'm not sure, what's changed?  I've moved from the area of work that I had been comfortable with to a different area, but I feel equally as comfortable with so why am I stressing myself out with this? 

After starting this entry, I made my breakfast and ate it, posted a post on facebook and sent an email.  It's important to note that as this has given me time to think a bit and to calm down a bit.  That though isn't enough for me to close this down I need to examine why this is causing me to let me spiral down as much as it is. 

Looking back, have I ever had a position where by I felt that management have trusted me?  I have to ask this as it's something has just come to mind.  Going back to working in the school all those years ago, the head teacher was constantly questioning why I continued to stay in the post as for him it wasn't a job for me to stay in.  I know his reasoning was, but he had no idea about the situation and I was enjoying my job.  I've always said that pay isn't important for me, it's job satisfaction that has always played a big part for me.  If I'm enjoying what I'm doing, if I'm getting satisfaction from what I do then financial reward isn't important, it's nice but not important.  I moved around the schools as previously discussed in this blog I'm sure many moons ago, so won't go through that story again.  Needless to say that where I ended up I was in a situation where I wasn't going to move forward, where I wasn't doing what I wanted to do and so I left.  I moved over to Barnardo's and as soon as I arrived the management that I'd been used to working with as a part time member of staff and volunteer moved on, and the new structure wasn't great, but I was enjoying my job even if the internal politics made to a difficult environment, but the job itself was fine.  Then of course we had the situation at the end which turned against me, and yes I'd been warned people were out to get me, but I ignored it and they got me. 

Now I'm in my current role, my management is way better, this isn't a slight on them, but perhaps I'm hessitant of them. I'm not as nervous as I once was with supervision or appraisals as I was at the end of my spell at Barnardo's, but I'm no fan of them.  I think that with all the issues that was brought up in supervision meetings there and even with all the effort to make things turn around there which failed I'm wary of any negativity towards my work, I am probably looking into it to much rather than looking forward, I'm looking at stuff backwards fearing going forward.  I see patterns of the past withn what's happening right now and I guess I'm scared of what's happening, scared of history repeating myself. 

This has gone off on a tangent but if I didn't do that, it wouldn't be me would it. 

So where is this going?  I think I'm trying to discover where the self confidence and belief vanished, why I can't rediscover it, why I'm nervous?  I do think that through the later years of work in school and at Barnardo's I felt that pepole were either discriminating against me or just didn't like me for what ever reason.  My own personal situation comes back into it of course, I've pacified too many rather than helping myself in that area to my own disadvantage.  I allowed others close to me to dictate how I progessed and I know now that I was foolish to do that and it's really hurt me.  I have no idea how to correct that right now, I fear it's way to late.  With that situation I think that it's going to be something that I will carry with me throughout my life and into anything I do and so I have to face up to it.  Even now I know I'm skirting around it.  I'm playing it safe, well I'm not I know the issue but I'm not writing it down.  I know what it is, so at least I can deal with it I guess.  What I need to learn is how to seperate things and try and gain some confidence back into my work life even if I can't in my own life. 

Where as I've just said I need to seperate personal issues from work issues, I have to accept that right now it is fairly impossible.  I'm depressed, my personal loneliness is really effecting me, I know that things are difficult right now, being in a lock down where we can't go out and all social activities are effectively shut, I've not been able to socilalise with others which has really caused me problems.  I don't think I really spotted it till this work apprailsal came into my mail box.  It's strange how one thing so simple exploded the other, there is no corrilation between the two.  Having accepted that, I reverted to some help in terms of anti deppressants again, I start to rebuild myself, but it's a slow process. It's difficult as some of the issues that I alluded to above come into play here.  I don't like forcing myself onto people, I don't like intruding and certainly during the current situation.  I unlike a lot of others that I know am single, I don't have someone to talk to at home or to worry about.  Everyone else does and everyone else has other friends and so I'm not that important in the scheme of things I live alone so I should be able to cope better than most during this period, yet obviously not. 

During this blog I have realised I like many I guess hate to fail, it's abhorent to me, but I notice how much I have failed and how much I hate it and thus I don't want any more.  This is a huge issue with the appraisal isn't it.  I don't want to fail any further, bt having targets being set that I can't see me acheiving seems to be setting me up to fail rather than progressing which is being suggested..  The progress which is beng suggested is beyone me there is no way I can acheive that.  I know some thinkI can, but I can't I'd fail so badly that I'd possibly in a worse situation than I'm in now.  I can't afford to let that happen.  I have to be realistic, I just want to achieve a sembelance of peace and happiness,but to get to that I've got a long, long road to go, and some where in the middle of that journey I have to stop hating on myself, hating myself and consider myself worthy.