Nearly the End

This could mean a lot of things for myself, but as it happens I'm refering to the impending end of the calendar year.

Lot's of events which have been documented here have taken place, good things, bad things, new things and even the reappearance of old things. It's been a unique year for all of us. 2006 approaches with much hope as well as sadness.

I hope beyond hope that things get better for Lisa, and also in a way for myself. We both deserve a bit more good fortune than we have had this year. For me it's not been as bad as previous years, but it's still bad compared to the majority of people. It's been the same for Lisa, but it's the first time she's really been put through the mill like this and it's taking it's toll on her.

I do however fear that 2006 will see great sadness in my life once more. I have my cousin, though thousands of miles away in Canada who has terminal cancer, and the prognosis isn't good for next year. I haven't seen her for at least 6 years, and I miss her badly. She was the first member of my family either nuclear or extended who showed any sort of interest in me, and would write to me on regular basis when I was a child. I never have managed to say thank you for that, and it pains me to see her die.

It's going to be a tough stretch, but 2006 will come and go in no time what so ever and in 12 months time I shall probably be writing an entry similar to this one. If so then 2006 hasn't been as bad as I expected, but it wouldn't have been a good year. I should point out that this year will be the 5th year since my dad died and also will bring about my neices 10th birthday, but that's 12 months away as it was her birthday yesterday....

That reminds me I don't think I'm in her good books, she was asking for a Nintendo DS from me for her birthday, but I can't afford that. Yet a 9 year old was telling me to put it on my credit card and that if I can't afford the repayments I should phone up some loan company to get them to help me out. I can't believe that she said that. Is that how kids today see the world, credit cards and loan companies? If so the future is going to be full of debt.

Oh Well!

I have said before that I don't like Christmas, it's very depressing. I'm slowly falling into the depression that has consumed me over previous Christmas's, but to be honest I don't know why. I have a theory that it's down to the fact I'm so bored, and so unenthused about everything, not only Christmas but life as a whole that I'm starting to fall deeper into myself.

I've been in similar situations before, and have fallen so far into myself that ending it all has at times seemed the only answer. I know I'll hit that point again at some point in my future, my mental make up is such that it is certain to happen again. The question is why do I go that far?

If I look at the situation right now, and ask myself why am I suddenly breaking down and crying at nothing at all, I can not answer. Why do I feel drained and tired all the time, when I'm doing nothing? I know that over Christmas Eve and Day, my mum had my aunt and her grandson stopping over. I know that I helped her do Christmas for them, and I know for a fact that she left me with my second cousin on Christmas Eve, when I have only ever spoke to him about 5 times previously. So in a way it's been a tough period to get through. I've not given myself any chance to relax and enjoy the break. I'd be happy to go into work and even work for free right now, just to give me something to do. Maybe it's doing nothing or I put too much into something which wasn't brilliant which has caused my present situation. I couldn't tell you. I just don't know why I'm suddenly breaking down.

I'm tired of it all though. I just don't know how much I've got left in the tank to carry on with it all. I've been almost wishing myself to have an accident, or for something nasty to happen to myself, in an attempt to alter the route of my life. It's something that I do when I'm on the downward spiral, and so right now I'm sliding down, without any brakes. When will this stop? Will it stop? Do I want it to stop? I don't think I have an answer for myself on this one. I'm so bored of life and what it means to me right now that I wouldn't mind a bout of serious depression. If it means time off work, so what I've got to get myself back on track.

It's really annoying that I've got to look at this all over again, it never seems to go away. Is it work?, Is it me?, Have I done the right things in life?, how do I know? I'm the one questioning it all, and if I had the answers would I be asking the questions? No that's a simple answer, but it says everything doesn't it.

Is it work? Well I think everyone who has read this on a regular basis would know I've not been happy with work for a number of weeks. I've expressed my reasons for that before, but would that alone make me so unhappy right now? Well no, not really, I'm almost grateful for work right now, as it's something to take my mind off things. That's the problem right now I guess or is it? I mean to sort myself out, I've already suggested that I may need to take time off work. If that is case then I'll do it. I know that I've stated that I'd go in work today for free to give me something to do, but if I'm so unhappy there, why should I do that?

So is it ME? I'm not sure on how to answer this one, if indeed there is an answer to it. I have a record of depression, I have a record of feeling depressed around this time of the year. Why is that? Well of course I've constantly put it down to not being able to enjoy myself because of me not being me. Well that's altered, I've sorted out that problem, but others have an effect on me. When they produce things that make me look back, and when for the 6th year in a row, you get socks and a sweatshirt/hooded top, what sort of suprise are you meant to show. Perhaps it's that, which has set me off? That though is part of me, so I guess it could be that, but I'm grateful for the presents, I don't expect them off anyone, why should I?

Have I made the right choices in life? Yes, I've had to be selfish, but we all have to do that at some point in our lives. I'm happy with the way I've taken my life, it's the right road to follow. Others are not so happy, but what can I do? I mean it is not them that has to live my life, it's me. I'm happy with those choices, but others again are effecting me. I've perhaps got to learn to accept that others are never going to be happy with me. If so, how do I not let it affect me? That is something that I've learnt, but often forget how to let go of. I do feel as if I'm in a corner and that everyone is looking at me. I do feel as if everyone see's me as a joke, and that includes those I work with. I am paranoid that people laugh at me, taunt me without me knowing. Perhaps if I didn't take so much notice of others I'd feel better, but that's never going to happen. I've been taunted since I was a young kid, so I know what is going on, I read the situation so well, but never say anything in fear. I guess that's something to work on.

I really don't know, where this is going right now, but I do know is that I'm fed up of life, if it get's any worse over the next few weeks then I've got to do something serious about it. I don't know what, but any more rejection or any more taunts and that's going to blow me apart. Be warned everyone, the next few days and weeks are going to be delicate for myself. Though something in the distance, I can see the road sign over the bridge, the one which states Suicide is an option.

Tradition?

Well I hope everyone had a nice Christmas Day, and that no one got too drunk or injured themselves in any way, shape or form. I for one didn't of course.

Did everyone get what they wanted for Christmas? I know for a fact that I got what I now see as part of tradition. For what seems like years now, I always get socks and either a hooded sweatshirt or just a sweatshirt. It's not about the getting presents at Christmas, but every now and again I'd like something a little different. It's so predictable, everyone knows what I'll be getting. Still at least I can get rid of some of the existing wardrobe prior to Christmas in the knowledge that I'll be replacing them for sure.

Merry Xmas

Merry Xmas everyone, I hope those who are online today and wish to see if I've posted anything new have a happy holiday and don't get up to too much mischeif.

Celebrate in any way you wish, but just remember Xmas isn't just for the kids.......

Poor, Very Poor!!!

I'm oh so sorry for not adding to this blog over the past 9 days or so. I'd honestly hadn't realised that it had been so long since I posted. Still I'm alive and well for that matter and I've not done anything silly yet. I've thought about it, but not in a serious way if I'm honest.

So what has gone on? Well last Friday I went out with a former colleague of mine and yes we had a few drinks. We were in the fabled gay village in Manchester, where we started off with 3 pints of beer, before leaving that bar and moving onto another and another set of drinks. WKD's and Vodka and Oragnes........ That was fine, till we both decided that after 4 in an hour we better change to something less easy to drink... Vodka and red bull??? Horrible taste, how she could drink that I don't know. Mind you it went down just as quick as my JD and Coke. Oh throw in a aftershock and you can imagine the state that one of us were in, the other remembers what she said and helping her friend to get home. I'm glad I'm the later.


It's been a good week for United in that we won all our games with ease and look like we are a team once more. I've been critical on here of them and everything about the club this year. I stand by that, but serve notice that credit is due for the recent up turn in performance.

I've got my Christmas shopping all but done, I need to get my mum something for under the tree, which I'll probably do today, as I want to go and do some shopping for me as well. I'll head up to the hockey shop and get myself some hockey related presents and then get my mum a book for Christmas. I know that's what I'm intending doing when I can, but this is a different book.

Final Countdown

Well after taking a deep breath and taking stock of what had gone on last week, I'm still around and still in employment, but I don't know for how long. It's becoming increasingly difficult to maintain my sanity. It's not the job which is causing the problem, I can do it with my hands tied behind my back. That's my confidence back by the way folks!!!

I think it's down to me being able to relax or that I'm quite stressed out at the moment. I'm aware that it's Christmas and that I normally get worked up at this point in the year. It's a horrible time, it's lonely, it's depressing, it's false and so forced. When you are prone to depressions and Christmas arrives it's a time of dred. So that with the odd problem at work more so with the group doesn't help. The group has run quite well with limited numbers of late and I hope that it continues to do the same. Once we settle down in January, we may attempt to take them out again. It's something that I feel strongly about with this group.

Anyway, back to the point. With me not relaxing, I'm not being myself and old habits are returning, such as last week's problem. Yesterday at the Christmas meal, I remained on the sidelines for the first 10 to 15 minutes so that everyone could find where they wanted to sit. I wanted everyone to be sat with there friends before imposing myself upon anyone or any group. This upset some people, but this had to be done, on two counts. All the corners had gone, so there was no where to hide for me, and I also wanted everyone to be happy, I wasn't too concerned about myself as I know what sort of mood I'm in. There I go again, placing others ahead of me! It's not really what I should be doing is it, and it doesn't help my confidence when I come to examine it at a later date.

I went to the doctors yesterday morning with regards my thumb, and she asked how I was doing. I lied to her, but I think she could spot that I was down and unhappy. If I had pleaded my case, I could and perhaps should have got a prescription of anti depressants. Then again, I may at some point soon have to go back to my doctor and ask her to write me a sick note for stress and depression. I'm sure that would get the tongues wagging not only at work, but at school also. I don't want to do this, but if I have too I will. I have to be comfortable in work, I can't be stressed as all the bad things happen when I'm stressed and that only leads to conflict.

I honestly don't think anyone at work realises the hell that I'm going through and it's only me that knows it. I want to talk to someone, but no one will listen, no one will understand and right now, I fear I've ailenated the only people that I could talk too by being me. It's scares me, it really does. Instead of people feeling for me, for having to work with Lisa in the new year, I'm sure it's been reversed right now. I'm looking for other jobs, but can't seem to see anything at the moment.

Deep Breath

How to control one's situation, sit down and take a deep breath. Now that has been done and I've gone into work and no comments have been made, I can settle down to working out my head. I was a little scared going in to face the team, but I don't think they realise the demons within me. This isn't them that this was about, this was me. It is always me in this situation, I always see things against me.

So as it happens yesterday was really kewl. I overheard Kirsty mentioning that she really enjoyed her presents, as they were cute, funny and nice, while some of the other presents were to say the least odd. Size doesn't always matter does it....

Now the rest of the team are off to Blackpool this weekend, and I'm left behind doing some work for the project later today and all day tomorrow. I'm happy doing that as it will give me time in the office today on my own and to do a few things that I need to do. I might also get to see Joanne, my line manager today. I tried all afternoon yesterday, but got no where. So this time I shall get to see her. I need to try and arrange something for next week. I also need to pull out of the volunteers meal on Friday as I'm now going out with Liz, who used to work at Barnardo's with me. That should be fun as we've not seen each other for a while and things have certainly changed a bit since then.

I feel a lot calmer today than I have done of late, perhaps and this is just a rough guess here, Wednesday was the blow out needed to rid myself of any demons, stresses and what ever else was on my back. It may have been shown in that respect, instead of me getting down and taking it out on myself. I'd rather have this situation rather than me hurting myself, but let's see hey? Life is never straight forward for anyone, and when it comes to myself it tends to be even more crooked than normal. Of course there is no thing as normal as I keep writing, but it's just a phrase that most people understand.

Antagonistic

May I say sorry to anyone to whom has the unpleasant pleasure of talking to me today and for the next couple of days at the least. With the incident yesterday and me constantly reviewing that, I realise that I'm very antagonistic. It isn't your fault it's mine and I'm sorry in advance of or in one situation sorry for being in such a mood.

Please be patient, this is a troublesome period for me right now. Not that Christmas isn't normally a problem part of the year, but this doesn't bode well for 2005.

Why Me?

After yesterday's incident, I've got to look at myself and ask where did it come from and why? I can't not look at it as all that will do is increase the problem, this is something that needs confronting.

I know that I'll get asked questions in work today over it, and they have every right to do so, but how can I answer them? If I tell them the truth, how mad will that sound? It will make me look like someone they should be working with and not a colleague. It's really difficult to say that as I'm shy and self conscious that I don't like upsetting the apple cart. Everyone was having fun, and I didn't want to stop any one from having fun, had anyone moved away from any conversations to fit me in, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. So I stayed out, but when everyone was demanding I go in, it made me feel worse and then my nerves got the better of me and eventually made me sick.

That's a repeat of yesterday I know, but it's leading some where don't worry. So why don't I like disturbing anyone? I'm shy, I've always been shy, is it because of who I am? It could well be, I don't fit in, I'm the square trying to fit into a circle? That plays a huge part of it I guess, but that's something that I've been used too for the whole of my life. I thought that part of my life was over with anyway, obvioulsy not. How did I beat it last time? I think I accepted who I am, but that isn't an issue here? This is different, is it because I don't feel part of the team? I don't know it's something I've not experienced for 15 or so years. I know a couple of years back I couldn't go to the wake of a colleagues husband, but that was different, there were people in there I didn't like. So why is that different to this?

Do I like everyone I work with? Well to a point yes, I've got too. Some of them may not be friends, well if I'm honest on my own scales non of them are friends. Most of them are mates, but a few are little more than colleagues. I get on with them, but for some reason yesterday that failed and I ended up in the situation I did. How can I over come this? Well I think I have, but not fitting into the team doesn't help and maybe this is just further proof to my own arguement. The problem is who am I arguing with?? I'm arguing with ME, and who's going to win? Well it isn't going to be me, as I tend to end up hurting myself sooner rather than later. I hate this I really hate this. I didn't need this to happen now. I could happily write out my letter of resignation right now and go and hand it in. I know I'd have to work out my notice, but to be honest I don't care.

The problem with that solution is that I've no job lined up, and of course that would hurt me more than anyone else. I know that I wouldn't find another job soon, and that would send me falling further into depression. This though isn't depression, this isn't that I know that. This is something deep inside me that isn't about being down. I'm not down, I know I'm not, which makes yesterday events even more bizare in that respect. Barnardo's would happily accept my resignation and find someone better and with less issues than myself to take over my role.

Here lies another problem. That last statement, is something that I have to look at as well. Why am I constanly belittling myself? What is wrong with me? I know that I'm good at what I do, that isn't an issue, though it has of late I suppose. That though is being worked through with success. So why the sudden down turn in self confidence? I don't really know? I can accept some of the stuff thrown at me by my line manager last week, though she may think she know's best for me, when in fact she doesn't. I'm the only one who knows where I'm up to in terms of mental stability. I do however need to sort this out. I shouldn't be so down on myself. I really felt good the other week, more so after getting my hair cut. I guess it worked and helped improve my own self image, but where has that boost gone? I wish I knew as I'm possibly near a all time low.

I need a confidence boost, but that isn't going to happen. I don't know what would be sufficient to boost me that which is normal for the general public. I know that most people call themselves, but not to the extent I do so. It's a bad state of affairs when you are happy for injuries that may scar you. Nothing has done so of late, but if it meant someone else not being disfigured I'd take that scar, as it would only add to the ugly marks in my eyes. I can't stand up in front of a group of people and talk, that's just beyond me. I hate sitting anywhere other than in corners when in meetings, as it means everyone can see me. I just don't wish to thrust myself onto others, it's not fair on them. The odd thing is that I love being the centre of attention when I'm in a group of people I know. In fact most people will tell you that I'm a liar when I say I'm shy, as I'm so confident and alive. It's split personalities perhaps I don't really know.

I wish I could pinpoint it, as I'd be able to be "normal" though of course what is normal for me, wouldn't be normal for you or anyone else. It would be generally percieved as normal by all. Is that what I'm looking for?? I don't know, as why would I want to be the same as everyone else?? Well I've spent most of my life trying to fit into a hole that I didn't belong in. Now I'm in the right area, what happens?? Old habits of years gone by reappear!! This is like torture, and I don't know what I've done to deserve this. I've worked hard all my life, done things that others wouldn't have contemplated, just to be who I am, and yet here I am dragging myself back to the hole that I crawled out of years ago. What is it inside me or what external force is pushing me back? Do I not deserve to be able to live a reasonable existence? I am after all just another human.

Now that I've written all of this, I'll probably spend the rest of the day trying to examine what I wrote and if I should have written anything different, or if I should have added anything else. At the end of the day though I'm still not really any closer to being able to explain why yesterday happened. It's just come out of the cupboard and hit me. It wasn't planned or expected and that's not good.

Demon Returns

A really old demon of old has just returned to haunt me. I will keep this brief and sharp. At the Christmas meeting for my team, I sat through one part of it, but went to do a couple of things at a short break. On trying to return I saw them handing out the secret santa presents, and everyone having fun... I couldn't go in. I physically couldn't go back into the room. I was nervous, scared, self conscious. I've not been like that for years, but I do know that by staying away from the room it caused a fuss.

People came looking for me, and were shouting for me to return. The more they did though, the more I couldn't and it got to the point where I was physically sick through nerves. I've not been this bad for ages. This is why I'm writing I guess, is to try and get rid of the demon once more?

So why couldn't I go back in? Well they were having fun, which I didn't want to spoil. I know I can't prove that me going back in would do so, but I always think that way. I tried 3 or 4 times to go back, but I couldn't they were all laughing and knowing that people were aware of me not being there meant that a fuss wouldn't have been made had I gone back. I didn't want that either. I've got to try and understand this. It has certainly shed light on the fact that I'm still introvertly shy, and I doubt I'll ever get away from it. I honestly felt that I'd got over this...

Little Miss nice

I'm trying to get back into a post a day or at least a post every couple of days after the week I had off. I know it was lazy of me and I know that it has thrown me out of kilter to be honest, in that my mind isn't working as quickly in terms of being able to blog. So if this is difficult to read or is more open and brutal than normal I'm sorry, but normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

Well yesterday wasn't so bad, we had two children missing from the group again and though it wasn't as good as last week, it was certainly better than some of the previous weeks. I think the corner may have been turned I don't know, but it's certainly calmer with only 6 children. I have to hope that after Christmas that the group remains at 7 and that possibly 1 of those might drop out or change to a 1-1.

I managed to get the secret santa presents yesterday, I really wanted to spend more on the present than I did, but it would have been obvious and of course just getting a few small odd things rather than one big thing helped. I know it's not exactly something I'm good at, buying blindly. I think I may just buy odd bits over the next year with consideration for something like this. As for work, I've also agreed to work on Saturday to allow someone to go on the Christmas do, and thus leaving myself as the only person not going to Blackpool. This is how I wanted it, let them all make fun of me behind my back, rather than in front of it. It's they way I prefer it. I don't want to stop them having fun.

What a beautiful sight!

562 days of waiting or 18 months of agony and last night it happened. Ole Gunnar Solskjaer made his comeback for Manchester United reserve team last night. Oh it was so good to see him in a red shirt once more. He may never recapture the form or even his place in the first team, but to know he's available for selection is like being given the greatest Christmas and birthday present rolled into one. This guy is a legend and goes down in the course of history as being the guy that put the ball in the German's net, on that barmy night in Barca in 99.


Well we heard he would be playing at least some point during the game last night, towards the end of last week. So after finishing work I headed off to Hyde, where the reserve team are playing there fixtures this year. It's the first time in years that I'd been to the reserves, and it was a bit of a shock to the system to be honest. I don't know why, perhaps on previous occasions it was injured players returning and also those players who would now be squad players playing. This time it was essentially the junior teams, the 18 - 21 year olds.


To be honest the game wasn't the greatest and for the record United lost 0-2 to Liverpool reserves, which hurt as badly as if the first team were playing. A huge crowd for the reserves though turned up for Ole. I think they said it was 2738, when the average is probably less than 1000. I enjoyed myself and I can say I was there that he made his comeback. In fact I may start to go watch the reserves on a more regular basis from now one.

Apart from that, what else yesterday? Well I got into work and tried to sort out my group for today, but things kept happening, in terms of children being added, when in a way I didn't want them to be, but I can't do anything. On a scary note, it's MY final group day today as I've got a hospital appointment next week. I'm so happy in that respect. Still tonight will be a success, and I won't let anything get me down. I've got idea's on how to combat the problems that may beset the group, and I just hope we can impliment the plans, without to many complaints.

My arms are still very sore, and I've still got no real idea as to why, I'll have to get to the doctors and ask her for an opinion. I'll also have to apologise as well, I know she's received a letter from Leeds, which is factually incorrect, but it slights her, and I'm not too happy. I know what was said and it certainly isn't what is down in the letter.

Lazy

I've been lazy over the past week. I've looked at the tabs to lead me here to write a new entry and I've kept telling myself that I'll do it later or in the morning and never got round to it. I can only blame myself.

The past week has gone so fast that I can't beleive that it's already the second week in December. I guess though that it's near Christmas as on Saturday I encountered two modern day traditions of Christmas. One was going shopping in the morning and all I could hear from every shop was Slade's "Merry Xmas Everybody" and then later in the day, I saw the Coca Cola, Holidays are coming advert. You know it's Christmas for sure when you see and hear them two things alone.

So here we are in the final months of 2005 and what a year, I'll try and recap as many things as I can over the next month. I dare say it will be interesting for me as much as it will be for those regular readers..

Nelson Struck

Well, it's been a few days since my last post, it's not that I've had nothing to say or that I've been too deep within myself to write, no it's been down to Nelson that I haven't written. Who's Nelson I hear some of you shout, well I do think it's Admiral Nelson of the British navy I'm talking about. So why did he prevent me from writing when he's been dead near enough 200 years??

I've mentioned how we Brit's love our cricket, well for some reason the score of 111 is named Nelson, and is considered bad luck. Most cricketers or those involved in cricket will have a little superstion to get through that little passage of play when Nelson is scored. Unfortunately I couldn't really do that on here could I? So after the Nelson post on Friday I was hoping for a good day.....

Well as predicted George Best died on Friday, which though expected wasn't exactly good fortune, it's left Manchester feeling a bit numb to be honest. Even though he was Irish, we still regarded him as one of our own. Still everything else went ok, I went out with Lisa to the Trafford Centre and did some window shopping, and then we went to Rusholme for a curry. It was a really nice curry and of course being in Rusholme really cheap. So a bit of bad luck to meet Nelson, but nothing major you say!!

Saturday morning I wake up to see how the Oilers had gone on againt Calgary and what do I find?? Nothing! No power to my pc or monitor. I'm unsure of the reason, as the plug rack that I've got my pc on, is working fine and the speakers and external modem is working. Maybe the power pack had gone? I don't know a quick look inside doesn't shed any light on the matter. I think perhaps a fuse in the plug had gone, but as the other plugs were working and the rack were working I discount that theory. So it's wait for the shop to open and take the pc in. I then went to the big Tesco around the corner and buy a couple of hairdryers, as both my mum's and my own had blown over the past few weeks.

I get back to my mum's go wash my hair and come down, go to use one of the hairdryers and it cuts out on me!! This is now turning the Nelson post into serious bad luck mode. I get the other one out, which works fine. No problem in my head, as of course my pc will be ready later in the day and I can go and replace the hairdryer. I get no phone calls from the pc shop, so I call them back and the pc is working, but they want to carry out some further checks it won't be till Monday the pc is ready!!! No pc for the weekend, it was like losing my right arm. All I had was my radio to keep me company in my little flat. So I spent a lot of time at my mum's watching tv.

So without going into many a detail from Sunday, which involved going to the pub to watch United play there first game since the death of the legend that was Georgy Best, which they won. Coming onto Monday morning, I had a supervision meeting at work with my line manager. That was going to be a popular meeting as I had plenty to say and she in turn had plenty to say to myself. It was, how to put this unpleasant viewing for both parties it seemed, and though I took a battering I gave one out as well. I guess that's what supervision is all about.

Anyway, come the end of the 2 hour meeting, I get down stairs in the office and phone the pc shop, and they are happy for me to have my pc back, with no repairs done, as they've found nothing wrong. I took my power lead up, and lo and behold the reason for the problem was discovered, the fuse in the power lead plug had gone. So I went out bought some and replaced it and the pc is working again. I feel so stupid over this, it's unreal. Add to the fact I took the hairdryer back and they tested it at the shop and it worked. They did say that they'd experienced that before, so it made me feel even smaller, than previously.

Still it's done and I've got my pc back and a new hairdryer. Oh and as for the weekend, it was great apart from that! I saw plenty of Lisa, went out for a couple of meals with her, and went to the cinema on Saturday to see Flightplan, which wasn't bad, but it wasn't the greatest film and I wouldn't pay over £5 to go and see it again.

Nelson

So here we are at the end of another week, another week filled with beauty, anger, happiness and sadness. It's going to be a week, where the world will lose a genius. Flawed genius, but a genius all the same.

George Best, will I guess be dead within the next 24 hours, at 59 years old a young death for a sporting superstar, who shone as bright as any. For all you hockey loving readers, George Best is only comparable to Wayne Gretzky. He had everything you want from a soccer player, with it he added, good looks and charm. He had the choice of women, and the press loved him. Unfortunately he found solace in alcohol, and this is what has cost the world the life of this genius. My thoughts go out to his family and friends. Supporters of soccer everywhere will mourn his death and we in Manchester will mourn some more.

So onto today, I'll have to go into work today, as I never got to say goodbye properly to Vicki yesterday. She leaves today and is heading off to Winnipeg for 4 months next week. I know I'll probably see her in the future, but it's still not nice letting her get away with leaving without a goodbye. She's done that one before on me, and for someone to whom I class as a dear old friend it's not acceptable on my part for letting it happen. I'll miss her being around though we've failed to chat properly whilst she's been back with us at Barnardo's.

It's going to be a good friends day today though, as Lisa is on her way home for the weekend and tonight we are going to the local shopping mall to have a look around and then go on for something to eat. Tomorrow night we may even go into Manchester for a drink or dance, I'm not 100% sure but what ever we do, we'll enjoy ourselves and let our hair down together for a change. It's been a while since we last did that, but it's going to be fun. Both of us have reasons to let everything go, and that always makes going out and enjoying yourself the better.

Courage

It takes courage to see look at oneself and to suggest you are not good enough, but that's what I've done. I feel almost relieved that I've done such a thing. I can now move forward and relax a bit. I've been a bit down of late, as can be seen in the last few posts, and that is mainly due to what has been going on at work. Well I've just sat down and written a letter of resignation, to which I can add or delete items from. I've given myself a few days to see what happens, but this is it.

With that done, I feel as if a great weight has been taken from my shoulders, is that normal? I think it is the fact that I've done something about my situation and one which I'm sort of happy with. I shouldn't be happy as if I walk it's over 19 years of work down the pan.

Still who cares? I don't anymore, it's more about me than it is them. I've got to stop allowing myself to be dragged down into a mire every time something goes wrong. Enough of the people within the project have chipped away at me of late and that's the straw that has broken the back as such. I can't let them get to me.

So onto other things? Well not a lot else has taken place, though I did spend some time with my niece last night. As my 1 to 1 didn't want to go and see Harry Potter we finished early and so I got home to find her there till around 8pm. That was around 3 hours of her being around. I enjoyed it as much as she did, and even if my mum and sister were not happy with some of the things we did, it was fun. Message to everyone, don't play football in the house! Now we didn't break anything, but we could have and I'd have been shot for it. Though the cheek of it, I was accused of being a one trick pony with the football. How can you do anything in a space of 2 yards?? That was the width of the hall way, while the length was greater, we had the stair case to cater for and coat stands. It was to narrow to do anything. Mind you my neice has only just got into football, so it's ok for her to accuse me I guess.

Same Old

Well as forseen in the mystic eyes of mine, last nights group went as well as previous weeks. Again a child was very ill, sent by school, when he really should have been sent home. I can understand school wanting him to come and them wanting to keep him there, but at the end of the day they have medical staff in the building if anything goes wrong. Having worked on both sides of the fence I'm sort of caught in a very difficult place, trying to appease my current employee's and also trying to work with my past colleagues.

I'm now aware though that change is afoot, this can not continue. Last nights planned activities went out of the window again and has left me very low. I was accused the other week of losing heart with this group, to which I angrily reacted as it was wrong. Now though if I were to be asked again in the next few days I'd have to agree. No matter what I do and who I try to correct things with this group, it doesn't work. I'm convincing myself that it's my fault and that I'm doing a bad job. Even after working on Saturday, and being able to say I can do the group thing, this has knocked that confidence for 6 and more. I'm probably at my lowest ebb with this now. It's at a point where I've written a letter of resignation, which will only be used if things continue to go the way they are.

That of course is a course of action I don't want to take, but right now it's one of the only possible ways out of that group. I don't know what I'd do if I were to do that, but I've been in that position before haven't I!! I know of a possible job at my previous employment i.e. the school, but could I go back there? I really don't know, but the position that I've seen advertised or should I say the job description that I saw being written out could be an interesting development, depending on the wages and prospects.

I've got a supervision meeting on Monday with my line manager, and it's there that I'll be thrashing around all the ideas that I can to try and sort out the group. She's aware of the problems of the group, but it's her that is also the cause of some my moods towards the group and the ideas she's had for the group, has gone against the way the group should be run. I'm getting lost in the tunnels that is my inner thoughts right now and should try and find a way out, before I say something that I shouldn't and also before I get so deep that I start to effect the way I'm going to be today. I could unintentionally write myself into a nice depression which would effect everyone around me. I don't want that, I'm trying to keep happy right now, it's hard enough with everyone else throwing bombs at me without myself trying to do the same.

So what else has gone on? Well not a lot to be honest. I got home and watched the football at mum's last night, which was ok. I'm not being as critical of the team these days as it's obvious that should this team win anything it will be sweeter than ever. They'll have had to work hard for it, unlike previous years when they've just had to show up to win things. That's the sports report as such. When I'm so concerned about work, sport is one of things that I can use as a get out of jail card. Last night though a generally boring and typical European game, it was enough to take my mind straight off work and onto something else. I just wish it had been powerful enough to maintain that through till now.

At least it's half way through the week and even if I've got to go and see Harry Potter for the 4th time tonight, I'm not that bothered. I'm sort of hoping that the child I've got doesn't want to go to the cinema to be honest, but if that what he wants, then that what he shall get. I've worked hard to get him back on my side and it's now starting to show the rewards. I really do want this to work out, and want to help this child get more out of life than he currently is.

It's Tuesday Again

Apart from stating the fact, the title says it all really. It's the day of my group, the one which is causing so many problems. Today we intend to make the pots which we were due to do a few weeks, back but couldn't as we never had the clay. I hope it goes well this afternoon, but everyone has to pull together and I'm going to have to really work the group hard. I'm gearing up to running the group on my own and having little imput from the volunteers. I don't like doing that, but it's going to be the way, till I'm happy with the way the group is working.

I'm going to change around some of the volunteers as well, to see if that can help with the way it's running. I'm going to get objections I know, but I don't care.

I'm a little scared to be honest, but hey if it works then all the best. Of course after the group I've got to take the two children home. That's going to be fun, more so this week as one is around the corner from Old Trafford, and we'll have 67,000 people trying to get to there tonight. Which could delay me getting home, and missing some of that match. I certainly hope not.

Work yesterday was good, even if it did mean going to watch Harry Potter for the third time. I guess I know the film off by heart already!!! One of the former drivers came in to see everyone and that was good. I've not seen him for a couple of years and he's one of the characters, which made it all the better I guess. We had a chat about old times, and that of course meant that some of the team couldn't join in that well. I don't feel sorry about that as they ailenate me from things so it's a two way thing.

Anyway as I come to the end of the work base post, just a thought goes out to Jiri Fischer, he collapsed on the Detroit Red Wings bench last night. He required CPR, and was then transfered to hospital. It seems he's awake and talking right now, but of coruse it's never nice to hear stories like this. Get well soon Jiri and see you on the ice sooner rather than later.

Missed Season

Wow, it's cold.... Ok, for all you people in Canada and possibly Denmark, it isn't that cold, but it is for this little girl. This time last week, I was seriously concerned that most of the tree's still had leaves on, all be it brown, but still on the trees. Then last Thursday we had a drop in temperature, and the leaves began to fall. As I look out of my window right now, the tree in vision has only a handful of leaves left and it's a very cold and foggy morning. I hadn't put the fire on in the room till last Thursday, and right now it's going on with regularity.

At some point it's gone from being summer to winter without touching fall. It's certainly crazy mixed up weather we're having. I know that the weather forcasters have been predicting a cold winter, but this has come as a jolt. Still once I get working I'll be fine, but of course I'm feeling the chill. I can tell just by the speed at which I'm typing and how many mistakes I'm making. It's difficult to get the fingers moving. So, it's back to drinking lots of hot drinks and also heating the room up every now and again. It didn't help opening the window to try and and get a picture of the above mentioned tree.

I guess while I'm talking about weather and seasons, here's my theory about it. None of this theory is sustainable in terms of facts and figures, but still I believe it. From what I recall as a kid, and we all do that don't we, fall used to start in October, last untill mid November and then winter would kick in. For those of you who stumble across this from the southern hemisphere please transfer winter and summer around. Anyway, back to the theory and seasons past. I've noticed over the years that winter has started to come later and later, and that fall lasts longer than ever.

Global warming can be held accountable to some extent, but for me the possibility is that we in the Northern hemisphere seem to swapping positions with the Southern hemisphere. By that I mean, when we should be in winter, we are getting weather more accustomed to fall, and when in spring it's more like winter. Is the earth changing it's axis? I can't back this up, but the more I think about it, and recall how things were I get this voice saying it is possible. Still I'm only a little girl with no scientific evidence to back up this, so take it as you will.

In terms of me, my health seems to be being hit by the weather. I'm in need of going to the doctors at some point in the next few days to get checked up. My shoulders, legs amongst other things need to be checked. I don't tend to go to the doctor with just 1 thing wrong, it tends to be 3 or 4. I've also noticed this weekend, what seems to be either a tooth or reminents of tooth at the back of the gums where they extracted the wisdom tooth a few weeks back. That needs a check up of course. I blame my mum for that, as she's got a similar problem, and she has had false teeth for as long as I've been alive. This is quite odd.

Passing By

Well it's Sunday and time is going by like the train at the level crossing. It's way too long to judge, but interesting to watch. Today is very much a lazy day, no need to rush to mum's to take her anywhere and I've no other commitments to undertake. I have decided to allow myself the chance to let things pass me by, as over the past week or two I've let too many things effect me.

I can recite this tale here, out of jealousy, but it's true. I had a meeting to attend on Friday at the local Special Ed high school. Ok, there are two, but they are in the same building, but that's another topic completely. Anyway, here I am going to the one I had been told to go too, when I'm told that the meeting has been changed, to the other school, but as they are joined it's no problem, just a 20 yard walk to the room. After signing in, and meeting a couple of people from work, and a couple of people who had organised the meeting, we sat down. One of the organisers went to obtain something for the meeting, either milk or water for the drinks.

On her return, we found the real reason why we'd been moved... NEW ORDER, had arranged a concert for the children in the other part of the school. Had I known, and had I the option, meeting or a New Order concert which do you think I'd attend?? Of course New Order!! Most of us in the room would have been very happy to have done, so, but instead of being able too, we had to go along with the meeting. Now then why would New Order, one of the UK's biggest bands, and one of the worlds most iconic bands play a small special ed high school gigg?? Well the story goes that the manager needed to speak to his daughter at school, and didn't know the number. So he looked up the number in the phone book, but got confused by the fact that two schools had the same name. He was so impressed by the work they do, and the fact the band is big on Salford and Manchester helped this concert come off.

I've spoken to a few of the children who attended the concert, and all they can say is how good they were. It just makes me even more jealous of them.

Apart from that Friday I went to see the latest Harry Potter film, it wasn't bad, but it does have huge chunks of the book missing. It's awful really, but then what can be done? I mean it really isn't possible to do the whole book. I took my neice and mum on Friday and then yesterday morning with work, as I was working this weekend we went to see the film again. I've got another 2 sittings of this film to undertake this week. I'll have seen it 4 times in the first week, not that I'm big on Harry Potter, but I think 4 times in a week is almost Star Wars like geekishness for me.

I've somewhat calmed down since Thursday, but I'm still not happy with the way things are going at work. I think that I need to further examine everything, but now I've got a calm, I need to maintain that. Yesterday went well, and I'm pleased to prove to myself that I can run a group and not make a mess of it. Everyone enjoyed themselves and that included the volunteers. I can do this and I will do this. It's that group which is the problem, not me. I'm now convinced of that, and I'm going to keep trying to convince myself of this. I'm not going to let my line manager tell me otherwise. I can run a group, I can do it very well, but this group is just full of tangable children that it's impossible to plan anything.

Fleeting

Well it has been fleeting, but it was ever so nice. My spell of happiness at work has come to an abrupt end. Whilst still trying to be positive about what I do, it seems that what ever I do I do wrong. I can't do anything right.

The biggest problem area is my group. I've said before that this group is considered to be a problem group by many outside of work, and at the school I used to work at. Now this group is getting worse. I don't know what I can do to make it work again. I'm trying every trick and turn that I can to make it happen, but it just doesn't want to go, it's like the square trying to fit into a circle. My line manager know's it's a problem and wants to take a child off the group and make them into a 1-1, which would be better for him, but she wants him to still come out on the group and be a "part of the group". I'm sorry, but it's just going make things even crazier.... I'll go along with this, but just wait till it goes wrong.

I'm being told that the group isn't to go out again and that we need to become a base group, but that's not what the children want, but if that's what the order is well and good. I know that I've been failing the group, and that I'll try and make amends in the coming weeks, but it's very hard. I think I'm going to have to go into hyper mode, and go right over the top to make this happen. I don't care, from next week we are going to see me taking on the whole group and leaving the volunteers with as little to do as possible. If I get told to back off then, I know I'm a failure and to look for a new job. It's very sad to say that, but I'm just about convinced that I'm failing more than ever. I'm no good at what I'm doing.

Where does this take me? I really don't know, as this is something I really didn't want to consider, I've always considered myself to be good at this, and have been very confident, but I'm very rapidly losing that confidence. I'm going to try and rediscover that confidence or my life will be lost and I'll have no hope, no career or no future. It's like a red hot iron tearing through your heart, but I've got to stand up and realise this. I'm an adult now, nothing is preventing me from doing anything, my past has gone and left me. Now is the time I should be grasping the tail of my future and this just isn't happening right now. Perhaps a chat to the people that know me best, but that's getting increasingly more difficult.

Still you never know what's around the corner, something good might pop up and shock me. It normally does, but hey that's life I suspect.

A strange but true thing just happened. As I was about to sign off, this post. With talk of past and future, I'm here at a mid point in my life. The song that just hit my music player is.....

Midlife Crisis by Faith No More....

If ever a more apt tune could have been chosen I don't know about it.

Flying Time

I know the phrase "Time flies when your having fun" can be true, whilst on other occasions it can be a little less truthful. This time it's a mixture. I have been quite chipper this past week. Ok for all you non Brit's, this is more a term for feeling quite ok, nothing spectacular, but good. Work has proven to be consuming, even though it only seems like yesterday that I was taking the young person I've got today. It's flown by, and though no excuse for not posting in many ways I'm going to use it. I really hadn't realised it was last Wednesday when I posted last.

So since then things have taken place, things I never thought would happen for a long time. For the first time in years, I had my hair cut, by that I've had inches taken off. It's gone from the small of my back to just below my shoulders. It feels so much better, and though I'm a little sad to see the length go after so long it's really refreshing to have shorter hair again. How long before I go and repeat this is up to me, though perhaps I'll have some colour put into my hair next time, so brown highlights, to compliment my natural colours of black and grey.

I'm going to sound like my parents here right now, but I don't care. This past weekend has seen the world remember those who lost there lives in the First World War and any subsequent wars since. While I'm not a lover of war, and for some of the later wars I've got no problems with the deaths of soldiers, for example in Iraq. I do have problems with those from previous wars where conscription meant that no matter if what you had to go and fight. That's just me though. Anyway at this time when our thoughts are with those departed, we had a soccer game played between Argentina and England, two countries who in the last 25 years have fought a war against each other.

By all accounts the UN wanted to make this a game for peace, but this isn't your ordinary teams, there is a history between them. The UN officials are in a state of shock over the fact that the Argentinian's sang songs about the English prior to the game in the dressing room. So what, if it helps motivate them so be it, it was an old folk song, openly sung whilst Brit's had ranches in Argentina. It isn't much really, but the UN have spoken out about it. What the UN have failed to comment on, was what made my blood boil.

The English fans, openly singing throughout the game "What's it like to lose a war?" and "You'll never have the Falklands" towards the Argentinian fans. It's a disgrace, on a weekend when we are remembering the dead the English are glorifying war. No matter what the Argentinian players sang, this has to pale into insignificance to the English fans. It's this type of fan that gives the English a bad name, yes singing songs to wind up the opposition fans is all well and good, it's part of the game. What isn't part of the game is going on about the dead. I was so angry that I wish England had lost the game, I really do feel strongly about this.

Enough of my moan, it does sound like my parents, but I really don't care. I am proud of where I'm from and yes that does mean putting Salford before Lancashire, and Lancashire before England. I presume many would reverse that, but not me.

What else have I done? Well not much really. I was hoping to see Lisa this weekend, but we didn't get chance and didn't get chance to have a chat even though she was back home. I'll email her later on, but apart from that nothing. I relaxed over the weekend, doing not a lot and almost pampering myself to much. This week I hope flies like the last and things get into a pattern. It's all the more fun to be busy than not. I now realise just how under used I was at school.

Blast

Well this week has flown bye, but I'm not complaining that's the way I like it, and by the time I get my feet on the ground it will be the weekend once more.

I should start this paragraph with a word on the big soccer game last Sunday. United played Chelsea, which in it's own merit is a big game, but as Chelsea are now the champions and United the challengers who by everyone's account have fallen behind it was a much bigger game than normal. It was such a blast to come out of the ground on Sunday with the 67,000 others having enjoyed a great game of soccer and a win for United. I know that I'm biased, but that was such a good game, played in the right spirit and the crowd got behind the team, at times the whole experience left goosebumps all over. I've been in better atmospheres at the ground, but this was so unexpected and so refreshing, long may it last.

Work has gone ok so far this week, but I'm only half way through it and have the rest of the week to do. I guess the big news from work is that the project manager will be leaving us in January. Ok, so the head boss is going, but as he's been there near enough 17 years it's going to be strange not having him around once more. He's been there nearly as long as I have, I remember meeting him for the first time, as a 16 year old kid at school and chatting over previous playscheme's and finding out that he'd replaced the person I'd worked with the year before. I wish him well for when he leaves, but it's still a bolt out of the blue that no one had seen coming.

In terms of work and what has gone on, my group last night wasn't as taxing as it was last week, but it was still a little on the shambolic side, but that's the way the group is. The children are of such like that trying to tell them to sit down and wait for there turn at bowling is very difficult, and of course when you get others bowling all around you, it's important that you try your hardest to get it done. Then when you have others joining you, it just adds to the mess. Still no one was hurt and we got back to base on time, I am however going to ask my line manager to ask those who were there of what they think about my group, and then to ask her to come out with us. Maybe a little re-organisation could be needed.

Time To Write

I guess after 3 days of no posts and plenty of idea's it's time to write another post. This post is going to go down a path, which one though I don't know so hold on tight and enjoy the ride.

Well this week went well, I managed to get all my hours in at work way before Friday and though I had to work on Friday it wasn't a long day and I was home for 12pm. I should add extra hours onto my time sheet, but I'd only get in trouble for that and so for once I'll keep it at the 21 hours that I should have worked and say no more. I know that in time to come that I'll possibly regret doing that, but hey it's me and I always make mistakes like that.

Friday didn't go quite to plan though, as I started to watch the entire Star Wars story, but only got through the first 3. Still it's good to have seen the entire prequal trilogy in order and though not as good as the original trilogy, it's still a good set of films when watched together and I guess that's how they were supposed to be watched.

I'm feeling quite refreshed for some reason, I know I've not been away and I've not really stressed myself out of late, but I've done very little this weekend, though I did manage to get my mum to eat Sweet Potatoes. Well I made chips out of them and gave them to her without telling her, and she liked them. It's the best way to do things with my mum. Give her something don't tell her what it is and then when she says it's ok, tell her and shock her. She's such a fussy eater that this way at least we tried something with her and she's got the chance to say she doesn't like it. Normally it's I don't like that or fancy that, just going from the name or the look of something.

No it's been quite a relaxed feel to the weekend and I'm chilled out with that. I guess that come later this afternoon and nearer to the big soccer game I'll get a bit nervous and tense, but hey that's just that. This though is a quiet contentment. Something I rarely find, so I'm treasuring this weekend.

Work next week should be fun, I've now got a child or group on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. That's 8 hours of my 21 sorted without me even moving a muscle, and if I throw in an extra 4 hours for preparation that leaves me with 9 hours to fill. That's no problem on a weekly basis I know from experience. So for the time being I shouldn't find it a problem filling my hours in at work. I'm happy with that, but of course it means that I'm now tied down in terms of what I can or can't do in the near future. Though of course 1 of the children will be moving into a group soon and thus leaving me a space.

I suppose I should go and get ready shouldn't I...I would like to go shopping, or at least call at the local Aldi to see what they have on offer and pick up some of the stranger food products they have on offer. I've got to say that I do enjoy a shop in Aldi every now and again. It may be cheap, it may not be the greatest of shops but they do sell the odd thing that I enjoy or at least make things affordable.

Go Ahead

Well it didn't take long for those of you who read this page to take it over the 1000 visit mark. Well it did and didn't, but I think 100 posts and 1000 visits is a kewl enough barrier to past together. Thank you all again.

So what's new? Well not too much, though I've now got a date and city for the forum meeting that I have been co-opted onto at work. I'll be off to Bristol in January and I'll see what it's like down there before deciding if I want to stop down there or not. It's not that I don't want to, it's money and what's going on.

I've got the go ahead from work to do so, but they want me to feedback on what I'm going to be doing. It should be interesting to say the least, but I think that the meeting in a couple of weeks might be of more use to me in that respect. I do know that there isn't a strategy in place to deal with those service users who have major learning difficulties and also are exhibiting behaviour which suggests they have a sexuality issue. It's a grey area of work, but one of which is a big challenge for myself to look into, and more so at work. More will follow on this topic as time goes by and I hope it can not only help those service users, but that I can help in a way establish stratagies for work that people can follow after I've left.

Socially wise nothing to report, things have been quiet, though the breaking local news is that a major soap star (here in the UK, and to a point world wide) has taken over my local pub. It had been shut for a couple of weeks and is due to be reopened on Saturday night. I'm not going to make a run to go in just for the sake of her, but as I do go in often with work and also to watch soccer, it won't be long before I see what they have done inside. I'm eager to see what the refurbishment has done to the old place, I just hope it remains a pub and not a bar. They destroyed my previous local, by transforming it from a pub to bar.... I've not been in that place for near enough 3 years now. It's a shame as I liked that place.

I shall me thinks be going Geekish on Friday. If I manage to get my hours in at work today, I won't have to go in tomorrow, which is all well and good as I may sit down and watch all 6 Star Wars films. Geekish it may be, but it does need to be done and the sooner the better as far as I'm concerned. So if I can fill the hours in and I only need 4 hours work today then I'm not up for being disturbed tomorrow.

Centurian the White Rabbit

Well it's here, the month of November and perhaps more significantly the 100th post of this blog. I didn't know where I'd be taking this thing when I started, I did say that it would be a journey rather than a walk around the block. It's been something of a help to me at times, it's been a nightmare at times, but I'm glad that after a break around the months of April and May, that I came back to here and got into the routine of posting something here on a regular basis.

May I once again thank JANET for the inspiration to begin this journey. It was reading her blog, which made me choose to begin here. I need to thank everyone to whom I've come in contact with over the time since I began. Without them, I'd have little to write about and even though I could make this interesting about my past, and I'm sure that it would be a good read, this isn't about the past, this is about the present. My past is gone, it has an effect on who I am and how I am seen by the rest of the world, but it's the present to which I'm concerned about.

I can't link anything to Lisa, to whom I owe so much. Without her though, I doubt I'd be here to write this and I guess that's kind of important.

Ok, so what has been going on then since the last post?? Well I was due to go shopping with my mum into Manchester on Sunday morning, but as the weather was rather nasty we decided against it. Not that we chickened out, it's just that with Manchester being so much in the open, it was perhaps better to go another day. Plus, as my mum is meeting up with her sister in Manchester on Wednesday, it was felt tht two trips to do the same things in a matter of days would be pointless. So we went round Salford instead. Now Salford shopping centre used to be ok, it was different to the nearer Eccles centre when I was a kid. Salford had proper shops it contained a Marks and Spenser and Woolworth. It was a bus ride away, but it was somewhere different.

As time went by, both the shopping centres of Eccles and Salford went into decline. Shops left both places and some shop spaces never got filled. With the construction taking place of the near by Trafford Centre, no one really wanted to open a shop next door to what was then Europe's largest indoor shopping mall. It would be financial suicide. So today, both Eccles and Salford offer a variety of shops the likes of which 15 years ago you wouldn't have guessed. The amount of £1 shops and charity shops is crazy, but they must be making a profit as these shops have been there for at least 5 years now. It's very much a place to grab stuff rather than going to the big supermarkets with. The shopping centre's have taken over the local corner shops in many ways, which is sad as the corner shop was a place of vital importance to the communities.

Enough of the social aspect of life and back to Sunday. Once we'd done the shopping, home we went and a spot of watching some classic tv, ok so perhaps Robin of Sherwood, isn't a big classic, but as a kid growing up this was staple Saturday night fare for a few years. I've rediscovered it this year, and though it's aged a bit, it's still fun to watch. Sunday dinner was made for mum and I, whilst mum was out. All that we needed to do when I got back from picking her up was to serve it up.

Yesterday at work was a bit mad in many ways. I made arrangements to see someone at 5pm, forgetting that I'd already agreed to cover another members of staff's work at 5.30pm. It was a good job I remembered as it was around 2.30 in the afternoon that I did so. Only 30 minutes before I was due to collect my own service user for a session. Had I not recalled this I'd have forgot and would have got into a bit of trouble. Luckily, on arriving at the 5pm appointment, I was able to rearrange this for Thursday, and thus saved the bacon as such. Though I spent more than I would normally yesterday on the service users, more so the extra work in the evenning I'm not going to complain. The person to whom I worked with is one of those people that you get on with easily and one who's gone through more than any 11 year old should have.

Today's plan is simple.... I'll try and get an appointment for some beauty treatment for this morning shortly. Once I've done that, I'll get ready, go to the appointment and then back to work. I've got a team meeting before my group tonight. After all of that it's straight to the shops to purchase the latest Star Wars dvd. Which reminds me to see if I've got enough hours left with my over time to claim a day off either later this week or late next week. I want to spend a day watching all six Star Wars films in order. I know it's geekish, but to hell with what the rest of you think, I like Star Wars, and though I'm not obsessive about it. Well I'm close to it, I can do what I'm like, I'm an adult by law. Some would argue that, but I am.

Just as an after thought, and one that I picked up with after originally publishing this post, I'm only around 20 veiws of this blog having been visited 1000 times. Even if it means me jumping up my own counter, the next entry will only come after that total is met. So tell anyone who you know reads this and possibly enjoys it to do so to get the next entry up sooner rather than later!!!!

Whispers

Today was a prime reason as to why I'm not going on the "works" Christmas do to Blackpool. There is too many people who whisper behind my back or even while I'm there for me to enjoy myself. I really don't like it when it's so obvious that people are talking about me and I'm like less than a metre away from them. If that is how they want it then so be it, I've got better things to do than be overtly concerned by that.

I take some power away from this. I really did get very angry today, and I was a little suprised by it. I didn't expect it today, more so as it was volunteers and just 1 member of staff, but happen it did and it's been logged down in my memory bank I guess. This person had best be aware of things, as she's in line for a shock or two soon.

Still these things happen to me all the time, and something must be getting better as I'm not angry or frustrated by it. The thing is that I've grown to be used to it, and though it's not nice and to a point very discriminatory I don't give a flying monekys. Why should I let it effect me? I'm not going to Blackpool to endure a night like that. I can stay at home and get the same.

Apart from the naff day at work, I then got home and watched the worst football game I've seen since 1989. It was shambolic and very unfamiliar to what we've come to expect from the team. I'm not sure what had gone on, or why they were that bad, but bad they were and left me wondering why I had decided that this would be the game I'd pay to watch. Still it can't get any worse that than I think, I hope.

Out of sorts

I'm so alone tonight, My bed feels small than when I was small. Lost in memories, lost in sheets and old pillows.

Ok, so I stole that line, but it's sort of how I feel tonight. I really could have done with some sort of company tonight. I am ok on my own, I've been like that for ages, but tonight for some reason being alone has effected me. I'm bored and have no one to bounce ideas off. I can't pinpoint why I'm so alone tonight, but hey it's only 1 night in the past couple of months or so I guess.

Maybe it's cause I watched the last episode of Six Feet Under again tonight and like the first time I did so I cried my eyes out. I don't know why I did this time, I had no sentiment to this, it was a second showing and I knew what to expect, but it still hit me hard. I really don't have much of an idea.

Well I'm working tomorrow now, which isn't a bad thing as it adds up to my overtime sheet again. It's building up again and as it's only 3 weeks since I cleared the last lot off, to have over a weeks over time back isn't too bad. What makes it worse though is that I've been trying not to do any overtime, but as it's happened, I'm not complaining. I'll have to take this lot off as time off, but it's going to be the week around Christmas me thinks. I'm going to keep adding to the overtime till I get a couple of weeks on it me thinks and then do something about it again.

Today has been a lazy day in many ways. I've felt a lot better today than any other day this week. As I didn't have much to do in terms of work I took mum shopping to Urmston, had a look around the market and then around the shops. Ok, it's not a big place and we were done in just over 90 minutes, but it was a change and that made it all the better in many ways. A change is as good as a rest, and that's why tonight I'm perhaps a little out of sorts.



p.s. the start of this post comes from Out to Get You - James.

Pain Is

Well after a clear record of not going near a dentist for near enough 10 years I had to break that about 4 months ago, when I had a wisdom tooth pulled out along with an absess which was growing on it. The pain prior to it's removal was too much to describe. I was drinking around 1 or 2 tins of alcohol, be it beer or cider, and taking around 8 paracetmol's a day. That was just to abate the pain for a a few hours till the next set of pain killers. Then just about 3 weeks ago, after buying some chewing gum, I realised that part of a tooth had come away while chewing. It was another of my wisdom teeth, this time on the other side.

Now like previously, I didn't dash to the dentist, but then I've not got a dentist as I'd not been for so long. I had to go to the local dental hospital. I delayed and delayed going, but the pain from this new problem while not being as bad, was still enough to drive me crazy. I ended up at the dental hospital on Tuesday and with the same results as the last time in that they took out another of my wisdom teeth. This time it hurt more than the last, which I was a little upset with. Still the tooth is out, and the pain has gone or so I thought. For all of Tuesday I was still in pain, mainly from the treatment I guess. Yesterday, after waking up fine, as the day wore on I became increasinly unwell, the sense of wanting to be sick was constant.

I feel fine this morning, and I'll wait and see as to if I go into work today. If I'd known how yesterday was going to turn out, I'd have stayed off work, but I wasn't to know how bad I would feel at the end of the day. I'm going to give today a go, as I don't have to work till late on, and that's handy. I hate feeling like this, it's being in limbo that I hate. I'd rather be sick and ill than not be and be almost waiting for it to take place.

Anyway apart from that?? The lowlights that is watching the Edmonton Oilers continues, it's now 7 straight games without a win. This is now bordering on the unforgivable, that would be the worst thing I could say about this team. Whilst I hate having to call them, it's getting to the point where something has to happen. I do think the coaching is an aspect which has to be considered a failure, and it's the coaches position which is most under threat. The club has to do something and fast. On the soccer front things are going ok, though not brilliant, another almost excellent performance on Saturday from United. They should have won, but they didn't play for the full 90 minutes, they thought they'd won the game at half time.

Work has been a mixed bag to be honest. I've taken a bit of flak from my manager for going to the dentist this week, but that's just something that has ran off my back. I can understand her arguement, but then again I had to do what is best for me at the same time. I did have a supervision meeting with her prior to the dentist and to be honest that was very interesting. Some of the views that I expressed in terms of what I would like to do are part of her plans. She's got similar idea's on how to drag the project forward, though some are way out of line of mine. I guess this is going to be a fun time to work at Barnardo's. I think I may work on David to come back, he might just start to enjoy it again.

Lowlights

Some days start off well and then end badly, some days start of well and finish even better. Today is neither of those days. Yesterday started off ok, I was quite happy when I woke up and got out of bed. I'd been paid for one and was looking forward to the days work. That was as far as I got. First up my Oilers lost to there local rivals, and then the motorways was chockablock. It took me near enough 25 minutes to travel 300 yards and all because of a speed camera.

I arrived late to collect the child I was picking up, and dropped him off late at school, which in turn made me late for the meeting at work. This some how set the tone for the day. It went from bad to worse as everything I didn't want I got from the meeting. It was most unlike the previous week in Belfast, but that trip made yesterday all the more bearable as I know that I've got other work to do apart from what I was given yesterday. Yesterday just highlighted that things aren't perfect at work, and it's that which has made me choose not to go to the Xmas weekend do in Decemeber. No one apart from me knows that, but hey it will make me happier than others.

I've also got a meeting with my manager on Monday for a supervision meeting, in which I'm going try and give up some of my work load and take something a bit different. I doubt she'll allow me to, but I'm going to try and do it for sure. It's going to be an interesting discussion and I'm not sure if I'll win or not, but I don't really care to be honest.

I spent the rest of the night hoping that something would jump up and cheer me up, but it didn't. Not even watching 3 episodes of one of my favourite shows helped. I guess after that, the call of going to bed was far greater than failing to make myself happy again.

On waking up this morning I soon discovered that today has started off badly, and I hope will change for the better. Why is this so?

Ok, it's only sport, it's only the Oilers losing 7-1, and making it 6 games in a row without a win. It's early days in the season, you always get one of these games in a season, but it's the fact that it's the 6th game in a row we've been beaten. There comes a time in everyone where, something hits you and hurts. This is one of them for me anyway. I'm big on sports as you may have gathered if you have read this place on a regular basis. I'm big on hockey and the Oilers in particular, they are MY TEAM, the one if you slice me in half with a hockey stick would see written across me like Blackpool rock. I live and die for this team, and yet they put in a performace that sends you into the deepest darkest spots of depression.

I want to see good news when I wake up, nothing like that, it spoils the day, when it's meaningless to me really. I'm only a fan, I don't get paid to watch the Oilers, I'm not near enough to pay to watch the Oilers, but if I was I would and thus I feel for those fans that can. I applaud you for turning up game after game and watching this crap that has been presented as a team to you. If I were the type of person to boo the team, I would be doing so from the scoreboard in the Rexall, but that doesn't help. For some reason this is a weird post, as I'm expressing my deep love for a sporting team in a way I never thought I would.

There isn't any hope for me, but for those that happen to read this page regular or not, please don't get into sport this deep, it can seriously damage your health.

Interesting

Nothing beats an interesting day at work, no matter who you are. The more interesting and varied you get the easier the days go by. Yesterday was just one of those days, in that while nothing really stand out took place, everything was interesting to make it go quicker than normal and more so it kept me thinking all of the time. In some ways I would like all days to be like this, but it can't be.

So what else to write about? Well not too much in that while it was certainly a nice day in work, with the exception of a colleagues car having the drivers window smashed and part of her radio taken.

My enthusiasm from earlier in the week is still intense and I can't wait to speak to my line manager over what I would like to do and where I want to go with the idea's that I've got. It's not going to be the normal thing done by this project, but I've got the chance to leave a lasting impression on the place and in a very short space of time. I don't know if it's possible, but I would certainly hope it would be. Mind you it would mean quite a lot of outing myself to lots of people and doing a lot of training perhaps. I don't really mind the those things, but that would restrict the time line I guess.

So we come to today, and what work have I got on? Well none as such. I'm going to go into work around 10am I think as I want to check if anything has come through in terms of expenses or even pay slips. I would also want to speak to a social worker with regards a child that I worked with yesterday, and discuss what action to take. Depending on how I feel and how generous I am, I may also take a group on for the colleague that had her car damaged last night. I don't need to do any of the above, as I've got my hours in already for this week, and thus apart from taking a child to repsite I've no reason to go into work. This is how I like it. I'd rather be up on my hours by Thursday every week, so that Fridays are free to do what I like. Perhaps in a couple of weeks or so I'll manage to get all my hours in before Friday and take my mum shopping to Preston. It's a place I've not been too in a couple of years. I liked it last time.

Anyhow, this hasn't seen me go too deep into my mind or into life has it. Things must be getting better?? Well don't think that please as we all know that my next big fall is just around the corner.

Where was I?

Another day is about to begin, while sitting listening to the odd bird calls on this autumnal morning I can reflect on yesterday very clearly. Nothing really went wrong, and nothing happened to make me feel like it could go wrong, but I'm sure that I was elsewhere.

Where was I? Well my mind was clearly on other things rather than work or I'd have managed to run my group better than I did. Here I go on the beat myself up road again I hear you all shout. That isn't going to happen, as although things could have gone better, we really didn't have much to complain about. I just think that I didn't concentrate on the job at hand 100%. I was probably 75% there and 25% in my own little world. Things could have been better, but they weren't, though at the end of the session everyone seemed to have had a good time of it, and that is the most important aspect of it. We didn't make the clay models that I had planned, for the simple reason the clay hadn't arrived and thus made it impossible. So we bought some biscuit mixes and let them make biscuits. That was very messy and very funny.

I don't think being focused 100% would have made the biscuit making perfect, but I guess things would have gone better than planned. Still what's done is done and as mentioned above, the young people enjoyed themselves.

So what was taking up a quarter of my mind? Well nothing important I guess, just me flinging idea's around. I took enough of my mind off the job at hand, which isn't good, but then again it is wonderful that I can say what I have about this above. I did my job on three quarter speed, which re-affirms my beleif in my own abilities. It's a crazy thing to say, but every now and again things like this does one some good. I would recommend it to anyone. I'll have to say sorry to Dawn and to all the volunteers over the next week or so, but hey they'll probably think I'm going crazy. Oh crazier than normal.

After work, I watched the soccer over at my mum's and while it wasn't entirely engrossing, it was watchable and did just enough to frustrate me. That's the problem with this current United side, they can cruise along in no danger of losing many games, but they don't seem to have the instinct to kill teams either. They need someone with the killer instinct to transform this team.

It's a start

So it began yesterday, I went into the office early, mainly in an attempt to catch my line manager and discuss some of the things I had on my mind after the weekend, but as she was on a training course that sort of went out of the window. Still I managed to get some prepwork done for the work ahead, I spoke with the project manager instead, but only in outline, which I should expect of him.

I wrote letters to a couple of people as way of thanks and also to return the questionaire. I then went to school and completed another job, which I'd started before I left there in May. Well I did what they wanted, the second phase will come along to edit the work to make it more friendly for everyone to use. Add to that, I have added an extra couple of hours onto my time sheet there by suggesting that while doing some work there this morning I go clean the mini-bus I'll be gaining more time, which equates to more money.

After that I returned to work for a visit to arrange even more work there to fill in my hours. That went exceptionally well and I've got to report back to the social worker today how good that went. I think I may have found someone who will really enjoy our time out. I've got to arrange times as such, and sort out where to pick up from though, but it's going to be benefiting to the young person as well as myself.

On reaching home I had plenty of emails, mainly from Barnardo's pertaining not only to the previous weekend's confernece, but also a national committee meeting in January. I told you I had been invited. So I guess it's going to be another day off work depending on where it is, more miles in the expenses account. Still at least I've gone forward and done something. I feel so refreshed by all of this, I just hope it lasts, and that I can maintain forward momentum. It's a start that has been done before, and one which seems always to fall down. I'm getting better at it though, but time will tell if I'm ever going to be successful.

I'm certainly thinking of either next week or the week after of having my hair cut, don't know too much what I want to do, but I may put in some colour and that's going to be the fun part of it. I don't know what colour to put in.......

Fresh Start

I know that things aren't the same as normal, I know some things seem that way, like me having no money and having to borrow, but it's different this time. I think this conference trip has really done something profound to me. I've really come through this and found that thing that drove me a few years back. Around the time that the problems with Nina, Kerry and I blew up, I was seriously thinking of doing some work with younger people and there sexuality problems. When the problems broke I let things get to me and backed away from that. Now though, the fire has been re-ignited.

I want to try and do something, give some help where I can to the young people and even the parents of these people if they need it. I want to be able to help others coming through and to let them know that everything can be ok, that they can work at Barnardo's without fear, and feel good in doing so as well. I am far from perfect, I'm not too happy with lots of things about me, and I've mentioned them in the past, but right now I don't care about me again, I'm more for others and being able to help them. I'm aware of where my journey is going to go or at least where I hope and expect it to go. Others will be less than sure and if I can help them find the map then I'll be more than happy. I'm eager to get into work to start spreading the word and to try and start the machine that I think it will have to be, being built.

For some reason I don't think some of those that I work with will understand or even recognise me in a way when I get back into work. They'll find a person who for want of a better description feels like a flower that has just experienced the warmth and rays of the sun for the first time in the summer. I'm ready to bloom, but will need help apart from the sun.

The first step in all of this is to ask for some training for the staff who have joined the project since I arrived, and also some of those who came before me. I'd like to get that arranged if only as the stepping stone to other bigger things. I know that in the line of work that I do to be able to help the young people will be difficult, but if I can, I will. Even if it's the volunteers alone. Which is now another concern for me, as I feel we are letting them down, by not giving them a voice within the project. We need to do that and to make it as independant as possible. I'm willing to facilitate that and would be willing to do the work for them. It's not fair that some of them have missed out on the conference that I went too, they too could have gone, but as this wasn't promoted amongst them it wasn't known to them.

Still that's another issue to work on, and another challenge isn't it. If I can keep myself challenged and can throw myself into work like I feel I can right now then I'll be far happier. The end results would be far better for myself, and I don't mean that in a self promotional sense, but more in terms of mental self. I'd be happier to feel that I'm doing some good, which is being appriciated by others, and that others are benifiting from it. So here's to the fresh start almost at work, though for how long I don't know. I am so sure of what needs doing and so sure of how to do it, I fail to see one little problem. I'm going to have to bang my head against the door quite a few times before I can even start to do anything, so I have to be stronger than before and not let anything pass by unstarted or left behind.