Monday, October 17, 2005

Fresh Start

I know that things aren't the same as normal, I know some things seem that way, like me having no money and having to borrow, but it's different this time. I think this conference trip has really done something profound to me. I've really come through this and found that thing that drove me a few years back. Around the time that the problems with Nina, Kerry and I blew up, I was seriously thinking of doing some work with younger people and there sexuality problems. When the problems broke I let things get to me and backed away from that. Now though, the fire has been re-ignited.

I want to try and do something, give some help where I can to the young people and even the parents of these people if they need it. I want to be able to help others coming through and to let them know that everything can be ok, that they can work at Barnardo's without fear, and feel good in doing so as well. I am far from perfect, I'm not too happy with lots of things about me, and I've mentioned them in the past, but right now I don't care about me again, I'm more for others and being able to help them. I'm aware of where my journey is going to go or at least where I hope and expect it to go. Others will be less than sure and if I can help them find the map then I'll be more than happy. I'm eager to get into work to start spreading the word and to try and start the machine that I think it will have to be, being built.

For some reason I don't think some of those that I work with will understand or even recognise me in a way when I get back into work. They'll find a person who for want of a better description feels like a flower that has just experienced the warmth and rays of the sun for the first time in the summer. I'm ready to bloom, but will need help apart from the sun.

The first step in all of this is to ask for some training for the staff who have joined the project since I arrived, and also some of those who came before me. I'd like to get that arranged if only as the stepping stone to other bigger things. I know that in the line of work that I do to be able to help the young people will be difficult, but if I can, I will. Even if it's the volunteers alone. Which is now another concern for me, as I feel we are letting them down, by not giving them a voice within the project. We need to do that and to make it as independant as possible. I'm willing to facilitate that and would be willing to do the work for them. It's not fair that some of them have missed out on the conference that I went too, they too could have gone, but as this wasn't promoted amongst them it wasn't known to them.

Still that's another issue to work on, and another challenge isn't it. If I can keep myself challenged and can throw myself into work like I feel I can right now then I'll be far happier. The end results would be far better for myself, and I don't mean that in a self promotional sense, but more in terms of mental self. I'd be happier to feel that I'm doing some good, which is being appriciated by others, and that others are benifiting from it. So here's to the fresh start almost at work, though for how long I don't know. I am so sure of what needs doing and so sure of how to do it, I fail to see one little problem. I'm going to have to bang my head against the door quite a few times before I can even start to do anything, so I have to be stronger than before and not let anything pass by unstarted or left behind.

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