Monday, December 31, 2012

Is that It???

I hope that this post can be done quickly, as I'm at home, it has started off promisingly......

So it's the end of the year, rather than the end of the world as some ancient set of people had predicted, and a time of reflection is in order.  I have been trying to think of how to go through this post and I don't wish to make it a ponderous review of the year, as near enough everyone will be doing that, and the majoirity will be far better than mine and have far more content for others to read, rather than the infrequent (as they have become of late) posting of what is at times my diary and my mood finder.

In general I think for a change 2012 has been a good year, I don't recall any major periods of long term depression, well not the type that has me on the edge of despair and clawing at the doctors door to give me anti depressants.  That's a positive, yes I've had downs and I'll be honest coming to the start of December I was a bit concerned for myself, I know someone told me to go to the doctors, which I didn't do and I've managed to even the keel some what.  I know that this last downward spiral was in part due to my concerns over my health, which isn't right still, and how the total loss of fitness levels is frustrating.  I have never been this unfit in my life, well I tell lies after surgeries I've been laid low and had to build fitness levels up, mind everyone has to do that after most surgeries.  So I think the combinded anger of not knowing what has brought this sudden collapse of my health and frustration of coping has really caused me an issue.  I just about got through Christams health wise, as it took a turn for the worse the preceeding weekend, which made me thankful for not going out to a night club at the very start of the weekend.  

The hunt for a job continues, nothing has yet come my way.  It can be soul destroying, and saps all hope out of you, but I have to carry on and widen my field of application.  However, that was always the intention, and even on narrowing back to the field I had previously worked in hasn't worked.  I know I don't selll myself well in applications, I never have, I've mentioned many times in here that I've never really got a job through the proper channels, even though I went through them on both occasions.  What has transpired though in some ways due to the job hunt is that I've started to volunteer again with a new organisation.  New to me anyway, and that has given me something to look forward to, something to think about and engage with others with.  I'm so glad to be able to volunteer, even if every weekend I do volunteer coincides with United being shown on television on the day I'm volunteering.  It has been very spooky that, and has often meant being totally oblivious to score lines till leaving the buiding, none more so than the derby victory.  

Mentioning sport it has been a year to remember, the Olympics came and went, will be remembered for many reasons, new sports found and old ones (football) forgotten.  I say forgotten, I want to forget who won what, but it's very hard to forget at the moment.  I don't think the pain of that day in May of this year has disipated yet, I've still yet to see "that" goal, I nearly saw it on Sunday morning watching MOTD, but realised before it was too late.  Another NHL lock out has meant the Oilers are at least not last at the moment, it isn't easy following a team so far away, that have lost so much over the past few years, not when you watch a team in the UK which has been so successful.  However, I plod on with the Oilers, knowing we've got a set of young players quite capable of being amongst the best in the world in the next two or three years.  Good times ahead if we find a coach able to harness them.

Closer to home, as with every year, I have met some new friends this year, well some I've met physically, others I've met online.  Some people have stopped talking to me, and whilst that hurts, and I'll be fair it is evolutionary in terms of lack of communication, I don't think I've let it effect me to much, maybe I've been hurt too much in the past to feel that pain, or I've got to the point where by I don't care, either way I'm not sure if it's a good place to be or not.  I'm not going to delve into that here, it isn't worth it and I may end up in a worse spot than when I started.  

So ends this year.  One of my most productive in this blog and I'm happy with that, though I did curtail towards the end of the year.  Some of that is due to not having a lot to say, and other due to the state of my pc.  I don't know if I'll be able to correct that next year, but 2013 is around the corner.  The day's will break, we'll see rain (hopefully not as much next year as this one), sunshine, we'll feel the wind, warmth and cold and night will fall.  In other words life will be the same, so some how we have to make the most of it.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Slowly Falling

Good grief what a day today has been...  The electric went off quite early on this morning, well I say early more like 9.30ish, I'd just got into the bath with the water running hot, however it soon turned to cold as did the water in the other shower in the other bathroom in the house which someone else was using.  The cries some what gave away the shock of cold water suddenly flowing through the shower onto him.  I did a quick check and couldn't find any tripped fuses on the main fuse board downstairs, so we contacted the estate agent and they in turn contacted the land lord. 

It took till just after 1pm this afternoon as I was heading out to the library from where I'm typing this post for anyone to come and check the electric's in the house.  It was quickly deduced that indeed it was an external issue rather than a internal, and more so as no other houses in the street or on my side of the road were down either.  So with that in mind and showing the guy around my flat again so that once more he's seen the damp in the property once more coming through the walls, he left and I once more returned to my journey here.  The electric company are aware of the issue and the electric should be back on by 3pm. 

This though adds to the general downward spiral that has been my life of late.  I seem to be getting further and further into despair, though I'm aware of it, I can see it and thus I'm trying all my mechanisms to try and stop it going any further.  Yes, it's a slow fall, much slower than normal, and I have to remember that we are nearing Christmas the time of year I hate the most.  I guess my health has been the biggest issue of late, apart from my problems with my chest, which haven't subsided since November, my knees are sore right now, and that's to be expected due to the down turn in the weather, plus my skin has been rather sensitive which hasn't helped either.  I've not changed anything to cause that, which is a puzzle, but it does have an effect on my moods.  Plus one or two other issues that I can't explain which contributed to the normal things that get me down, doesn't help.  Still things will change just after Christmas, things are going to be a bit more positive and I can at last see some light at the end of the tunnel as they say.  However, I am so aware of the situation and if I continue to fall and that has been happening no matter what, I'll have to start next year on AD's once more.  I've been quite determind not to have to resort to them again recently, but just acknowledging the fact they might be needed is a good thing I guess, I'm more aware of the issues I'm facing and that for once is positive.

Last night I saw my niece for the first time in what seems like ages, though we had little time to chat, but she brought round some "presents and cards".  I am curious about one present alone, the other two presents are blooming obvious, long triangular blocks.  Now my favourite chocolate bars are toblerone, and as I type it wouldn't shock me to see the third present which is a traditional box shape be a flat box of toblerone chocolate either....  Still it's better than nothing I guess.  I may not be able to buy my niece a big present this Christmas, however, I may buy her a ticket for a concert to which I'll be buying myself a ticket shortly, and if she agrees to come then woo hoo.  I'm not going to hold my breath though on her saying yes, or on her being able to come due to all the family politics, but it is worth a shot, and it's worth at least thinking about it.  Being prepared for this not to happen though is a good thing as I'm not that lucky. 

So it's nearing the end of the year, and I have to say after starting off this year doing really well with regular posts, I've dropped off some what towards the end.  I think in many ways it's down to my pc being so slow, I get frustrated with it, for not being able to keep up with my speed of typing and thus what would take me perhaps 10 or 15 minutes here in the library would take a further 15 to 20 minutes at home and that's just wrong full stop.  One of my aims is to get a new computer at some point, but it's not a priority and I've got other things first to spend the little extra monies that will be in my pocket through next year.  I do hope to pop in here once or twice more perhaps before the years end to sum up the year and set the mood for 2013.