Saturday, November 14, 2009


A few days have passed since I last wrote, and whilst I've thought of writing I've either not got round to it, or I've been able to find other ways of ridding myself of the thoughts I've had or I've calmed myself down with a bottle of wine or something similar. That isn't the answser to all my problems or negative thoughts and certainly not at this time of the day. I don't think I've ever drank in the morning or certainly not at home anyway. At pubs or at parties for sure, but that's being social.

So today I sit and write, I'm working on a time deadline, which I'm glad about as that at least means that I can't sit back and study what I've wrote, I'm just going to fire from the hip and hope all goes well.

I guess what is getting to me today and probably has done over the past few weeks now, has been the total lack of movement from my family towards me. I don't want to rock the boat with them, as that will only lead to me losing touch with them and family means so much to me, however the way the situation is, I'll never progress from where I am unless I do somehting about it and once I do that, I know the shit is going to hit the fan. That leaves me in a really sticky situation doesn't it?

What do I do then? I really am not sure, on the one hand if I don't move forward, I'm only going to frustrate others (I say that, as I'm sure some people will say I don't frustrate them, but I guess it's the term that I want to use as it's how I perceive it to be.), which isn't fair as it's those others that want to help me more than my family. Yet, here I am trying to defend my family or at least defend my position in the said family. What does that offer me? Comfort I guess, but it's not for my best, it makes me angry, frustrated, let down and to use a term that I've been debating with myself today a second class citizen. I step back from the family situation and notice how a particular member of my family has assumed control, even though not a blood relative and this is the same person who was willing to take my niece, my sisters only child and parents only grandparent away from them, after he'd had an affair. He is the one that made my sister feel like she wasn't a good parent. However, he's been forgiven and that's never mentioned in the family circle, and yet for my actions I'm treated like shit.

Yes, I've got lots of anger in me with regards my family, yet deep down they mean so much to me, acceptance from them would mean the world to me. Without them I'd have no contact with the outside world, I'd be existing within the bubble that is my flat and probably would have done myself some harm over the past few months. I live for my niece and don't know how I'd cope without her, I love her to bits. So what can I do? I don't want to lose that, but perhaps I've got to put that on the line to move on? Do I attempt to rock the boat and see where it gets me? I really don't know if I have the strength to do that?

I know that some people who may read this might suggest I'm a strong person, but I'm not, other wise I'd have done something about this situation years ago, but I haven't I've sat back and have seen people try and coax me into doing something, I can see that now, but it's only know and even today I know that whilst some people have taken over from others I still fight to retain the equilibrium that has mascaraded as my life over the past 7 or 8 years. I fear that deep down this issue has been probably the sole reason as to why I have not moved on and still suffer in many ways. I don't know? It would take some examination not only from myself, but probably professionals rather than those with whom I trust. It's that deep of a situation.

There it's out, it's out how I feel and yes I do want to shake the boat and see what will happen. I guess another dressing down from my sister, but it would upset the apple cart in a major fashion and have lasting repricussions. Oh go on I can do this, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. If I carry on telling myself I can do this, perhaps I'll be able to do it. Let's keep fingers and toes crossed that it does work, and maybe I can move on.

Monday, November 09, 2009


Contemplation, according to the online dictionary has 4 meanings, they are

  1. The act or state of contemplating.

  2. Thoughtful observation or study.

  3. Meditation on spiritual matters, especially as a form of devotion.

  4. Intention or expectation: sought further information in contemplation of a career change.

I guess that I only us the first two, but I started to write with this entry with just contemplation in my mind, this blog was going to be about what I have achieved today, or over the past 24 hours or so. However, I did that this morning, so I decided to go else where for my train of thought, but felt that I wanted to start off with the dictorial definition of contemplation for some odd reason. It's probably not going to relate to the rest of this post, but hey it's there as that's how I was going to start the post.

A common theme for my blogs seems to be ME, it seems perhaps to be my favourite topic, but it's not. I think as I reach this far, that I should re-state that I am not my favourite topic. That's not to say that I don't hold myself in a high regard as such, I do........... well in a fashion I do, but these entries are more for me than anyone else, I find writing cathartic, which I'm certainly not going to print the definition for, that one you can go find yourselves!! Maybe it's saying something about me, maybe it's not, but when writing about what's going on with ME, my mind flies into the sky and I become more judgemental of myself, of my decisions and actions. It helps me see a bigger picture and that's great.

The problem is that at times I've got nothing to write or I just have no need to use this. That's why the posts become sporadic, and every time I burst back into creative life I promise to keep going no matter what, but never do.

So I ask myself why do I write in a public domain and not in a personal journal? Well I did that for a good 2 years once and whilst the file grew and grew, I just found that I was bound to it. It became a huge diary, where famously and I say that as it's certainly was in terms of my own world, I ended up with 18 pages of text the day after my dad died. I let everything go, and yes it was great to do so, but had it been in this sort of domain I would have certainly curtailed it, would have written carefully and been more thoughtful about what I was writing and been able to be slightly more objective. That's certainly an advantage of my writings in public, they are not as acidic, they don't fire at others. When I want to express anger/frustration I can be very nasty, I can be hurtful, some times it's unintentional, but often not. However, here I've got to be careful, names are kept to a minimum, attacks are very weak or veiled, and that's good. Also as most of the people I have attacked here won't be reading this blog I can be comfortable in what I write and that it won't get back to those people.

Anyway time for me to go, I'm going to be poisoned for tea tonight, whoops sorry to my beautiful neice if she ever reads this as she's cooked a meat pie at school that she's said my mum and I can have for our teas. From what I recall I didn't poison anyone from school cooking and by all accounts she's a good cook, but hey if I never post again! You now know why

Things flying around my mind.

I'm well aware that last night's post was both long and difficult at times to read, that though was for the best I guess as I got out a lot of emotions that had been swirling around in my head.

The morning after the night before and some of those emotions are still with me, but looking back on that post I think it deals with most of them and puts them to bed, this morning the sun is out the sky's are blue and once more a fresh week begins. It's now time for me to start afresh once more, looking after myself, making sure I don't injure myself, either purposely as has been the case in the distant past or accidently like last week, when I broke my toe. I am both clumsy and dangerous which isn't a good thing, though it does come in handy if I've fallen to the deepest darkest places and physically attacked myself. By using an accident as an excuse most people know that it's 95% likely to be true. I take the bruise on my leg right now, that's an accident as I didn't realise I'd hit myself so hard after Chelsea had scored in frustration. However this morning it's a nice little bruise and sore to touch. My thighs have been an area for me to attack myself as they are very rarely seen, but this time was a genuine accident.

Enough of the self harm stuff, I'm no where near that point and haven't been for coming up to a year I guess. The last time was probably just before Christmas last year and if anyone is reading this who can remember the black eye that I had, that was self inflicted, I admit that now. It is probably the first time I've ever given myself a black eye like that, and the first time I've physically attacked myself in a place where the world can see, it's normally for only me to see and suffer. So what ever depths I reached last year must have been bad. I can build excuses I guess, but none will properly justify the sort of damage that I inflicted upon myself and to others that night, but and I say but I have no regrets. I can't regret something like that when I'm depressed I do crazy stuff, that's how my depression manifests and if that involves contemplating ending it all, it has to be done.

That sounds scary I know, but looking back at all the times I've been at that point, sitting either on motorway bridges or sat on kerbsides watching cars flying past, I've always pulled back, there is something inside me which won't allow me to do that. The time I worry is the time I look to alternates to that, as the safety net that is inside me to prevent that happening can't prevent me else where. However, that was very much then, 12 months on and I can honestly say with the exception of one month this year, I've had probably one of my best years of my life, the stress levels have been to a minimum and I've allowed myself time to explore me and work me out. I'm no where near complete or through to the other side, but I don't think I'd want to be happy all the time you know. A little bit of dark helps challenge yourself and makes you a better person.

I started this off as a response to last night's post, I don't know where this post has come from, it certainly wasn't meant to be this way, I've just started to type and let my mind fire away and get rid of stuff. I know, I keep saying I should keep writing as I tend to sort myself out by doing so, and here I am answering my own questions in two or three different ways I guess, and giving myself an alternative version than the one I initially thought of, and carried through. However writing isn't always the case yesterday is the prime example. I got to the end initially of that post and when my pc crashed had to come back, and finish it once more. However by finishing the post as I had initially and losing a paragraph or two I had to try and think what I had written, and you know it was different to what appears on the page right now. I had done something to myself in terms of questioning and searching and the pain that I had was gone, but some of it exists now. Talking to someone with fresh eyes, no matter how well I can challenge myself always provides fresh views on problems and helps me challenge myself further and helps ease what ever is flying around my mind.

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Where does this leave me right now?

It's a Sunday night, in early November and I'm sat alone in my flat which is nothing unusal, and similar circumstances to which I've always contributed to this blog. I've just put some music on, whilst I finish burning a dvd. The scene obviously set, the rest of the blog is about to start, no direct title for this entry has been thought of, it will spring out during the writing I'm sure.

So why am I writing? Well let's be clear I need to write to try and ground myself and do that quite early in my little hurricane that I call my mind. Over the past few weeks I've been fairly positive about myself, building my own self esteem and self confidence up, as past posts have shown that's something that I've never had a lot of and it takes a lot of work to even get me started working on it, as all previous attempts get shot down by something or someone. However, after a self evaluation after upseting and hurting someone to whom I hold in high regard, I realised I needed to work on me, strange as that sounds, it was my negativity that hurt that someone, and whilst I've apologised and I hope that we are building bridges again.

This work that I've undertakn hasn't been without it's own hiccups, my own mother nearly broke it the other week, with something she said to me, which to her a sorry was suffice, it wasn't for me. I know that others in my family wouldn't even have regarded the situation worthy of an apology to me by my mum, but still the apology was in many ways hollow and after a couple of days trying to work out the reasons why and how the situation arose, I moved on, back on the positive feelings towards myself.

During this time I've been reading a book, one I purchased at a conference, at which I had very mixed emotions in many ways, and it was at the said conference that the incident in which I hurt someone took place. However this book has been the source of many emotions as I've read it and now that I've completed it, I find myself in a strange place because of it.

So this strange place as I call it, where is it and what is it all about? Well for one the book is inspiring that someone can be so kind and accepting and that the young people in the book on the whole have come out of the situation they were in and have on the whole become wonderful young adults. I draw strength, pleasure and resolve from the story. It gives me inspiration in what I could do in the future and shows that it isn't an impossible situation that I am in right now. However on the other hand one of the young people in the book ended up in a horrible situation and still exists in that situation. It's a situation that mirrors slightly that I found myself in a number of years back now, and one which I thought I'd got over and sorted out my emotions from that. However it's obvious after reading this book that I've not got over that.

The crazy thing is that I know that part of how I feel about the above situation I shouldn't be feeling, but I do and that's a very hard thing to try and negate for me. Why can't I stop feeling guilty for something that I did not do and which someone else did, and when thinking rationally about it would have done no matter what had or had not transpired before hand. I don't wish to go over the details of the events that isn't totally fair on myself or the third party here, though I doubt she'll ever read this, nor understand should she ever find this.

As I said a few years back I was asked if I would help a young person out, by befriending them, when they really needed a friend. I said I would, it was a time of great change for myself and I was trying to take my place in society from where I had been. I may well have been older than the person that I was befriending and probably by a good 10 or so, however I was due to circumstances possibly feeling and thinking at around the same age level. I accept this now, I've had time to look back, I've learned lots since that point and though I thought I could handle the change in situation for myself, I probably didn't do at all and probably haven't really sat down and examined that period and that part of me till recently. Why is this important right now? Well for one I know I handled the whole befriending situation badly, I feel guilty in that I wrecked what was an interesting opportunity for myself and the other person involved. I know she needed someone to stick around and support her and not over step the boundries. This I did and I regret that so much that it's impossible to equate how much regret I have with over that.

This situation was then magnified once the situation that I then followed the above, and when this person did something, which hurt badly I took it upon myself that had I not over stepped the boundries I may have been in a position to avoid the next situation. I blamed myself, I felt guilt for something that I had no control over. It took me a long time to stop blaming myself, to stop thinking I could have made a difference. Well I thought it had, having read the book I have I find myself trying to aportion blame upon myself once more. However, this time though it's over how I failed the person and not for thinking I could have prevented a situation from happening. I recognised how I failed this person I guess it opened up the wounds that I thought I'd healed, so what happens now?

Where does this leave me right now? Well on the one hand I need to move on from the past, I can't do anything to alter that, but what happened does effect how I'm thinking and reacting now. Have I moved on? By that I ask myself am I a better person than I was then? Would I go about befriending someone in a similar way as I did then? Yes, I certainly would however, I know the boundries and they are very clear, would I cross them like I did then? I doubt it, I'd probably discuss the situation with someone else, to take advice rather than rushing in with both feet. Of course as I write this I realise that at the time the boundries were crossed the last time, I had suffered from the death of my father just days before and I think whilst I was not in the greatest of places in the first place, I jumped from one spot to another darker place where no one could have gotten to me, to stop me crossing the boundries. I also think that it was that jump that prompted the crossing of the boundries, so I doubt that the boundries would be so blurry again.

I'm a better person, more mature and less prone to dark rational, I feel a lot better than I did about myself and perhaps was reaching out for attention more then than I would ever do now. It doesn't change the fact that I did what I did and destroyed a friendship with a person that really needed that. Can I ever stop feeling guilty about that? I don't think I can, which is possibly the crux to this whole post. How can I turn the guilt into a positive situation or do I try and bury it and if I do bury it where? As every now and again it crops up and stings me badly. This is the thing that is derailing me right now. I am probably more positive about myself than I have been in any number of years that I can remember, I'm taking care of myself better, doing things that I really should have done years ago. I'm making an effort about who I am and how I am, which is due in some way to the person that I hurt recently and also someone else that I met recently. Power is all important, power over oneself is crucial and not having that power over myself has probably cost me more than I could ever imagine. Yet, I sat down to write this post miserable and guilty.

Now however, the guilt isn't as strong as it was, but it's still with me. Oh my, I've just had a flash of an idea which relates to this. Towards the end of the book the author mentions that in some way the way she loved and cared for one of the young people in the book, which really did move me, was in a way her own re-enactment of how she would have liked to have been loved by her parents. I guess that whilst I was trying to replicate love to the the person many years ago, I don't think that it was a wise move. Yes my parents loved me, but it wasn't the love the type of love that I required it was different, different for a good reason, however the love required has never been shown and that I guess hurts.

I sit here hours after starting this post, which had a different ending to this, but my pc crashed and it's been a nightmare trying to get this back to where I am. As it is though I know that this post is a long journey through the often tangled web that is my mind, I know that it may not make much sense as I have purposely left out details of the situations that have arisen, it woudln't be fair of me to write them down for public consumption, this is where talking to someone would have made a difference I guess. Whilst I'm very good at spliting myself into two and discussing situations myself, this time I've not been able to, and I guess that's what's caused part of my confusion, is that I've not been able to sit down and chat to someone or myself.

As a final thought, and for anyone reading this having read perhaps previous blogs will know that when I get down, I use the analogy of falling into a hole, and having to climb out again. Well this time I fell, but the safety nets that I have built, with the aid of a councilor and also through becoming more positive with oneself, spotted the fall early, I caught myself, I recognised what I needed most and that was a chat. OK, I've not managed to do that, but this is the second best thing, and it's helped I'm back out of the hole, on the edge and a little shove might just throw me back in, but I'll rest tonight and stride out early tomorrow to move as far away from the edge as possible.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Lies and Shit

If you've been reading this blog over the past few days it is obvious that this hasn't been the best of weeks for myself, and today has been no different, I've tried to be positive but hell it's incredibly difficult when people who you trust lie to you, people who you know acknowledged things and then reject them.

This not only hurts me, it angers me and it quite frankly frustrates me to death, I have some principals and for others not to at least honour the basics is incredible. I quite frankly feel like shit, I feel like I've been tossed out and left to dry and for what? I don't know what the hell I did to deserve the treatment that I've had. What right have people got of treating others like I have been treated.

I feel cheated, and quite frankly horrified that some people feel that they can get away with this in this day and age. I just wish that others could see what they have done and deal with them accordingly. I'm possibly going through one of the most arduous weeks of my life and all I get is crap still, even when it's all over. Well those responsible can take a running jump if they feel I'm going to co-operate with them from here on in. I don't give a shit, it's not like I've any sort of future any sort. I've had enough of it all, let them attempt anything and it will be pushed to the final limit, I don't care anymore.

Thursday, May 21, 2009


I start this entry, staring out of my window, the curtains partially opened as I've yet to have a wash or get dressed. I have enough light streaming through to provide the room with light to work in, whilst maintaining my privacy. The rain is visible, and the sky is granite grey. I've got Alanis Morissette playing on the pc (random play), and I'm contemplating what's next.

I'm desperate to be positive, I'm willing it upon me, but as much as I try it's not happening. I said yesterday that the fire was under control and it very much is, but as I explore what began that fire, and how I need to control it, I'm at a loss. I can live with the fire under control, whilst not being happy, I can't say that I'm depressed but for how long I can say that I don't know.

At the start of this entry I set the scene as to what I was doing and what I could see, and I guess it says slightly more than I actually realised. The skies are grey, and what is grey? A mix of black and white, and to bring that analogy to life, black could be the fire/the bad/the depression that I've spoke about in recent days, whilst white would of course be the water/the good/happy times. Mix good with bad, fire and water, depression and happy and the hybrid form is strange. I feel like that, a strange mix of being happy, whilst sad at the same time. I said either here or else where that I feel like a shell of a person, and that's probably what I'm trying to describe with this article.

Looking back at similar times for me, doesn't always help, I try to replicate how something cheered me up, and to be honest whilst trying to find that I end up perpetuating the situation. Replication isn't really the answer, something has to spring up and much as others might suggest other wise, but spontaneity is something I thrive on at times like this. Recently others have pointed out that this may not be the case and of course it's something for me to look at, as it may be true, but I do enjoy the freedom of reactionary situations rather than planning to the last detail.

Oh my, I guess I should stop here as I can sense this short period of self exploration is going to send me down an avenue that I don't wish to go down today. One that I've done many times before. I leave, with Ajani Thomas singing sweetly in the background, soothing the mood. I'll leave with that and come back again later or tomorrow to muse over the latest situation and thoughts.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


It's Wednesday morning and I'm feeling a bit, "well what's next?" I'm feeling slightly better today, having spoken to a couple of people yesterday I felt like I was connected with the world again, it wasn't exactly enough, but it does make me realise that I am still alive and of course that makes me feel a fraction more positive about myself.

This morning has seen something good anyway, in that I've ordered a ticket to go and see Skunk Anansie in November of this year. Add to that the Eddie Izzard tickets for November, I'm looking forward to what is normally a dull and at times arduous month for me. I have seen Skunk before way back in the mid 90's over in Sheffield and I loved them, they disbanded a good few years back and now back together, it's going to be great to see them again. The concert in Sheffield is one of my favourite non James/Queen concerts that I have ever been too. The fact that I only realised they were back together yesterday has been the beacon of light to which I'm looking to for this week.

Of course now this is sorted, I can now look towards the weekend and getting my mobility back, before this time next week, when all eyes turn to Rome. Whilst United equalling the record of 18 league titles is special, it was the lead up and day of victory which was special, since Sunday it's been well let's look forward and not backwards. So I've not allowed myself to enjoy that that much and been muted by my own standards in terms of celebration, next week I may not be able to contain my joy if United win in Rome. My love for United is one of the constants in my life, one that has never altered and quite possibly grown stronger over the past year or two.

This is a very timid post in comparrison to the previous entries in here, maybe because I'm a bit calmer, maybe I have blown myself out with the anger and frustration, but the rancor still burns inside of me, it's more like the past couple or days have been an explosion and now the fire burns inside, whilst on the outside the fire brigade are starting to dampen the building. However much that is dampened it doesn't mean that I'm over the worse of things, far from it. Now is when the building I live in starts to crumble under the heat of the fire and whilst I'm fighting the battle to not to collapse unless the fire is exstinguished soon, the building will fall.

What can I do to prevent the building falling, well to have started to put the fire out so quickly is a help, I can now start to examine where to put the water to stabalise the building quickly and stop the fire. That's never been easy, but it has become easier with more and more fires that I've had to deal with. So with a little patience I should be and could be ok sooner rather than later.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Don't Forget

I should point out that my MYSPACE blog is still around, and I will be making an entry into there shortly. It is often quite different to this blog, so I'm going to leave here now and go and record an entry there.....

Find the link on the right hand side of this page.

Horribe, it's horrible.

It's the morning after yesterday's rant, and how am I? I'm a bit less frantic, but none the less I'm still feeling low, the damage that yesterday did has obviously had a huge effect on me. I'm no longer calm, no longer glad that things are over with, I'm in such a quandary that it's going to take something big to help me.

I've got an application form for a job in front of me, that I asked for towards the end of last week. I felt that I could do this job, I felt that whilst not having some of the experience that was required, I had other experience that was asked for, but I'm now questioning if I should fill in the form. I'm suffering self doubt, I don't know if I should endure the building of ones hopes up, only to find that they are dashed. I don't know if right now that is the sane thing to do! My confidence has been shattered, if I ever had any confidence. I'm just a useless lump of bones and flesh. I'm worth nothing and can do nothing, I really am trying to be positive about myself, but to no avail.

Of course this is a familiar tale for me, but this time it's different, it's something that I've never experienced, a total lack of self belief, self worth and for that matter self being. I really don't know if I can sort this out on my own, I know that it's going to take a huge boost for me to even contemplate moving forward. I know what I should do, but I'm sceptical as to what anyone can do for me. My case is so bad, that I'm close to being beyond help. Anyone who knows me, and who is reading this may think that I'm exaggerating, but I do feel this is possibly the start of the worse situation of my life to date. I've got nothing to stop me here, nothing to prevent me falling further and deeper than at any point in my life and I'm scared, no. Not scared, that's too weak of a word, I'm honestly petrified that this could be the start of the end. I really can't see any light out of this right now.

Monday, May 18, 2009


Back again, and the anger is still the same as it was. I don't know if it is anger or frustration, but which ever it is, it's consuming me at a rate that is unimaginable for any "normal" person. The feeling of being completely alone is scary, OK I know I have one person to whom I can talk too, but right now isn't perhaps the best of times to be talking about some of the stuff bothering me right now. So I have to be patient towards them, however there are others, others who I've let pour the heart out to me, with whom I've always made clear that at times I'd like to reciprocate that back.

Time and time again though I find myself alone, in need of communication with people, anyone really, and no one is around to listen to me, chat to me about aimless stuff to distract me from the problems that I have. Like now, yes I want to talk to someone, there are people whom I expected to be talking to me to discuss things with me for various reasons and nothing, absolute nothing and it makes me wonder why I've ever thought they'd be there. What should I expect from them? They have never, and will never understand, because they don't want to, and so in many ways I'm better off without, but yet I still expected more from them.

Others on the other hand, perhaps I should give them some space, cut them some slack, but when one or two things go badly, I allow myself to become paranoid, and looking for excuses to blame others. Yes, I should be interacting with others, but I know that isn't possible for a couple of reasons, but it doesn't stop people from writing simple emails does it? I really don't know why it's this way, why do people ignore me so much? Am I really that bad of a person that people hate me? Am I that blind that I can not see this? In recent times people have told me quite the opposite, and yet here I am a week or so later and feel well like shit, like I'm the worst person in the world and not really wanting to foster myself upon others for fear of damaging them.

This is the crazy world of my mind, it's totally irrational, it really doesn't make sense as in one paragraph I've contradicted myself, and can do the same here, by declaring I understand that other people have other friends whom might be more needy, who they might be closer too, but for once in my life I would like a call, a chat and a good old cry, because that's how I feel, but it just isn't there.

What Can I Put?

As has been the case here I've left it some time between post, no longer am I going to say I intend to get back to regular posts. I know that the days of me doing that seem so long ago. As cathartic as it is to write, I don't seem to have the desire or willingness to do such a thing, like many things in my life, I start off with enthusiasm, and then let it peter out into nothing.

I can't write too much here for the time being, well I can, but I can't put what I want down if you can understand that. I so want to express myself here, but it is too open and too public and could seriously hurt me if I did write what I want. So why bother then?? I don't know? Perhaps it's because for the first time in a while, I've second guessed myself, and am having serious doubts about myself. I've shredded myself over the past 12 months or more, trying to figure out who I am, where I am and most importantly what I am.

Just as I was thinking I'd found one of the answers, just to make my life easier and perhaps clues to answering the other two questions, I find myself destroying the answer, and realising that I'm probably as far away from the answers than I have ever been. What does that do to me? It has serious implications in that I again feel like retreating into the horrible shell that I create myself. One of self hatred, one of self damnation, self abuse and general lack of self promotion.

I see the vibrant colours of the tree's outside my flat, they are beautiful and full of life, and even though the sun is poking through the clouds and illuminating them, they seem some what dull. I guess that's how I'm seeing things today, what hopes I had are vanquished, what belief I had evaporated. I sit here a shell of the person I was, could be and probably should be. I feel trapped, and perhaps isolated in that whilst I know where I am, it doesn't fit into society, and whilst trying to live, society expects so much more from me. I know that's not a good thing to be contemplating, but it is. I was secure, I was certain and happy, but one question, one ill timed question has thrown that into a spin, into decline which has perhaps taken just over a month to stall the engine and take the plane that is my life back into a spin.

So what do I do? I can sit and wallow, will that help? No, it won't help at all. All that will do is speed the spin, and the trajectory of the fall. I can fight this, but by doing that all I'm doing is masking the problems, I think. Should I leave it alone and wait till it crashes? Well I've done that many times and it's not been pretty, and taken an age to get myself back to square one. I mention all this, but no suicide isn't an option right now. I want to find myself again, I want to find a smile on my face, I want to find acceptance, but I don't want to be a square or circle, I am a shape which is indefinable, but will anyone really accept that? I don't think you do, and so I sit here a shell.

If you think that is a strange post, it could be a lot stranger, there is more of where that came from, this is just the taster and to think that this feeling only started at around what 10am this morning. It isn't going to get any prettier for a while, but then why should it be pretty? Is life pretty? No it's full of shit, as everyone knows, so why chase something that can not be achieved? That is total happiness? I've said this many a time, but isn't happiness something we dream of? Isn't something that is truly unobtainable? I don't think anyone is ever happy, if we were, why would one read? Why would one watch television? They are designed for enjoyment, yet if we were happy we wouldn't need them right?