Monday, May 18, 2009

What Can I Put?

As has been the case here I've left it some time between post, no longer am I going to say I intend to get back to regular posts. I know that the days of me doing that seem so long ago. As cathartic as it is to write, I don't seem to have the desire or willingness to do such a thing, like many things in my life, I start off with enthusiasm, and then let it peter out into nothing.

I can't write too much here for the time being, well I can, but I can't put what I want down if you can understand that. I so want to express myself here, but it is too open and too public and could seriously hurt me if I did write what I want. So why bother then?? I don't know? Perhaps it's because for the first time in a while, I've second guessed myself, and am having serious doubts about myself. I've shredded myself over the past 12 months or more, trying to figure out who I am, where I am and most importantly what I am.

Just as I was thinking I'd found one of the answers, just to make my life easier and perhaps clues to answering the other two questions, I find myself destroying the answer, and realising that I'm probably as far away from the answers than I have ever been. What does that do to me? It has serious implications in that I again feel like retreating into the horrible shell that I create myself. One of self hatred, one of self damnation, self abuse and general lack of self promotion.

I see the vibrant colours of the tree's outside my flat, they are beautiful and full of life, and even though the sun is poking through the clouds and illuminating them, they seem some what dull. I guess that's how I'm seeing things today, what hopes I had are vanquished, what belief I had evaporated. I sit here a shell of the person I was, could be and probably should be. I feel trapped, and perhaps isolated in that whilst I know where I am, it doesn't fit into society, and whilst trying to live, society expects so much more from me. I know that's not a good thing to be contemplating, but it is. I was secure, I was certain and happy, but one question, one ill timed question has thrown that into a spin, into decline which has perhaps taken just over a month to stall the engine and take the plane that is my life back into a spin.

So what do I do? I can sit and wallow, will that help? No, it won't help at all. All that will do is speed the spin, and the trajectory of the fall. I can fight this, but by doing that all I'm doing is masking the problems, I think. Should I leave it alone and wait till it crashes? Well I've done that many times and it's not been pretty, and taken an age to get myself back to square one. I mention all this, but no suicide isn't an option right now. I want to find myself again, I want to find a smile on my face, I want to find acceptance, but I don't want to be a square or circle, I am a shape which is indefinable, but will anyone really accept that? I don't think you do, and so I sit here a shell.

If you think that is a strange post, it could be a lot stranger, there is more of where that came from, this is just the taster and to think that this feeling only started at around what 10am this morning. It isn't going to get any prettier for a while, but then why should it be pretty? Is life pretty? No it's full of shit, as everyone knows, so why chase something that can not be achieved? That is total happiness? I've said this many a time, but isn't happiness something we dream of? Isn't something that is truly unobtainable? I don't think anyone is ever happy, if we were, why would one read? Why would one watch television? They are designed for enjoyment, yet if we were happy we wouldn't need them right?

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