Monday, June 29, 2015

Silly me.

Doh, I seemingly have deleted a blog post, one that I was actually happy with and referenced in my previous posting.  I can't get it back, so I need to learn to be more careful.  I can't claim it was my fault, as I did it, but the intention had been to delete two draft posts which had appeared for some reason in my post listings.  I thought I'd done exactly that, till I came back to have a look at something and found the damage.  I've looked to see what I can do to reclaim said post, but it ain't looking good. 

I am not old

9 whole days since I last spoke in here and they've been funny days, nothing has sent me spinning out of control and nothing has sent me spinning up high.  However, the days have been spent in a almost subdued feeling, I'm not sure if it's the effects of not taking my anti-depressants and if I'm finding my level ground again.  I certainly don't feel as if I'm going to spiral again and so it may just be a lull.  

One thing to note during this period has been my health, my hips have eased slightly since the X-Ray, but I find out tomorrow hopefully the results of the said X-Ray and then we can begin with some form of program to recovery.  That will, I hope also include some weight gain.  I had to to go to the doctors last week, where one of the nurses reviewed my asthma.  My lung capacity for the peak flow test gave the best results they've got for me on record, so that's something, perhaps that's down to the steroids I've been taking.  What the review included was to weighed and it confirmed that I had put one weight (that was visibly obvious), and how much weight I'd put on.  I've been saying for some time how much weight I'd put on and though I was sort of guessing I was spot on.  It means I've got a lot to take off, but if I can get my head into gear then I'll do it for sure.  I may need the help of someone to get me started and keep me going for the first couple of weeks, but I can do it and will.

I managed to get 5 words out of my sister today, when I bumped into her whilst out shopping.  She didn't want to say them, but I forced her hand.  I know we are as bad as each other, but with the situation as it is, and the way she was last August/September after mum died, I thought perhaps things may get a little better.  Well no, they are exactly as I'd predicted for so many years and have probably predicted in here.  As soon as mum's house is sold and the money divided, she'll never speak to me again.  It angers me, frustrates me and upsets me, but it's her choice not mine.  

Still on the other hand, I sort of got a half agree of sorts from my niece that we'll get together this summer to do something, probably go for lunch sometime or dare I say it now she's 18 a drink, and that will make me feel old.  Which seems to be happening a lot of late.  Nothing wrong with being old as such and I certainly wouldn't say  I am old, it's just working with younger people as such can make you feel so much older than you are times.  

This week is going to be a good one, first off the weather is supposed to be stunningly warm, which I'll enjoy, secondly on Friday, it's the annual Chorlton Beer Festival, where I'll be out with a couple of friends, enjoying the samples.  Thirdly next Sunday, I'll be off to see James at Delamere Forest, which promises to be a great gig and the forest is really pretty so it could be something special.  If anything was going to get me down over the past few days, it was  the news that my best friend yet again is going to miss a James gig she'd bought tickets for.  It also means we won't get the chance to catch up with each other.  

Wednesday, June 17, 2015


I start this post thinking it's going to be about my health, but I don't know, if it is to remain on my health it's going to be my physical health rather than my mental health.  I went through that a lot in my previous post.  My general health seems to be stabilising, but my biggest issue right now is my back, of course this has been a long standing issue, but I'm starting to question the situation.  I have had sciatica before now, and I'm curious if this isn't that once more.  Normally it would go after a week or two of problems, but on and off it's been playing up now for at least 3 months now and it's showing no signs of abating.  

At times I can barely walk with it, and even standing is an issue.  Take today as an example I started to feel the pain after walking down to the local shops, which I do daily, and in times gone past wouldn't be an issue.  I got to the shops today and boom it went.  I struggled around the shop in agony, and then had to sit down in the shop for around 20 minutes whilst I let my back relax a bit.  It then went again after about 5 minutes walking back.  It's just so painful, and really isn't something I enjoy trying to cope with.  I'd rather endure another ruptured knee ligament than this.

What this has led to, is an increased spell of inactivity, after already putting on weight due to the steroids I'm on.  So that hasn't help ease any pain in the back and I'm sure, no I know it's adding to the problem.  So I have to be really careful.  Talking of steroids, I can start to reduce the dosage right now, by 2.5mg every two weeks, but that's only going to get me down to 20mg a day, which is way to much for my liking.  It's a start to come off them though, or at least get down to a very low dosage.  

Having a condition that effects me as sarcoidosis does, isn't something I've ever been used to.  In some ways it's thrown my life into a spin, as I've always been active and had been doing well in terms of losing weight.  In fact some were actually making comments along the lines that I may have lost to much weight, but I felt I had just hit the weight where I could actually be OK with it myself.  I'd always wanted to get back down to around 12.5 stone or 79kg, which for my height would be ideal.  I'd got down to 82kg, when I got put onto the steroids, I don't want to know what I weigh now.  I will get back down to something around that weight, but I need to get my back sorted first and be able to walk without any issues.  

The weight issue is something I've never really been to bothered about previously, but as I can see how much weight I've put on and obviously can feel it, it's become an issue.  I've never been someone who would praise the way I looked, but right now I cringe at how fat I am, or at least how fat I am perceiving myself to be.  I guess I'm starting to sound crazy, but I'm not and I'm not going to starve myself either, as I know the reason for the increase in my weight is the steroids.  Of course inactivity and constantly being hungry has added to that, but I in my mind I know that the reason I've gained the weight is a side effect and that I'm going to have to work to get it off once I can.  However, that doesn't stop me disliking myself right now, but as I said yesterday mentally I'm in a decent place, I may hate, but not enough to be stupid.  

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Time to Jump

I feel now is the time to make a jump, one that I would have made many months ago normally, but way back whenever, when I started to take anti depressants once more the doctor instructed me to take them for at least 2 years, well I can't recall if it's 2 years on or not, but I feel it's time to jump off the edge and leave the help behind.

Now this isn't a rash decision over the past few weeks I've been forgetting to take my AD's as I have to take them at night rather than in the morning, so it's not as if I'd be making a huge step of just stopping, though I'd say I'm not taking them more than I am right now.  So this is the right time to take the jump.  Let's see where I'm at, see if I'm in a position to live without them.  I'm certainly not in the same place I was when I started to take them way back when and though I have to say I've had a bad patch recently I can't say it was a horrific low, nor was it going to cause damage.

So I start this next phase openly and hopefully those that know me, those that read this, may keep an eye out, to see how I'm going and to tell me if I should return to the help.

Yesterday was possibly the reason as to why I have made this decision, and it's a strange one.  My electric meter was full, I had to contact the estate agent to get them to get the landlord down to empty it.  I thought I had till 5pm, as it was roughly £1 for a day's worth of electricity, however with price increases etc that turned into 17 hours and at 10.30am I lost power.  Instead of spiraling thinking I could do nothing and life was over I was calm, I didn't scream or shout.  I sat about doing what I could in the flat, cleaning where I could, reading, writing and thinking.  It what anyone would do, instead of the crazy mad things I could have done, would have done in the past.  Apart from calling the estate agents a second time late in the afternoon to say the landlord hadn't been yet, and as they were the ones who contact him and would be closing soon, a second call to remind/follow up where he is was the sensible thing to do.  

This sort of behaviour is what I normally reserve for my work environments, it's the sensible me, not the one that I leave at home, so if some parity is starting to occur between my home and work thinking then I'm more than happy.  It has to be a sign and under the circumstances that I make this move.  There have been other things, and they have been more significant, yesterday's incident confirms what I've been thinking about now for the best part of 2 or 3 weeks. 

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Out with the old

So a third post today, though it's technically only the second as first was written last Thursday, and just copied and pasted into here.  Why I didn't throw it out on Thursday I don't know, but who cares, no one knew right.

It's about time I changed the face of this place, as I tend to do every now and again. Today I've found myself really bored and down in the dumps, I guess being back home alone and back into the mundane of my life has hit me.  Also the fact that I've written in here, that I've started to delve into myself to try and find answers to some of the things I've spoken of before, has hit a nerve and it's not a cheery one either.  

Trying to pinpoint where I am right now is difficult, I'm not depressed, well not depressed as I have been and I'm in control of myself right now.  I guess I'm just sad, and miserable, lacking in self confidence and belief.  I know those are always low, but they are lower than normal, so that mean on a numerical scale I'm in minus figures for them, as normally they'll be around 2 or 3 out of say 100.  

During the previous post I mentioned that my mum had passed that was last August and it really didn't hit and and I don't think it hit me like it hit me when dad died.  Was that due to being on Anti-Depressants? I don't think so, it may have been in part due to the fact that we'd grown apart due to her inability to accept things.  I've spoken about that in here on many occasions, and so I guess in the end it meant that I wasn't effected as much by her death than dad's.  It should also be pointed out that we knew it was coming rather than the shock of dad's.  There are times I miss her, obviously, but the same as I can be said about dad.  Anyway I know this isn't playing a part in why I'm down.

Anyway, in the next few weeks I'll be off to the Chorlton Beer festival, and then off to see James once more.  I'm looking forward to the James gig, though for a time today, I was talking myself out of going to the gig, and letting my ticket go.  That's some where I've not been before and I don't know what brought that idea on, but I'm back on the idea of going and looking forward to it.  Delamere Forest should be a beautiful venue to watch them play, and if the weather if fine then we (I'm going with others) should be in for a lovely day.  

Baby Steps

Back home after a couple of days away, and after my previous writing has been posted.  I'm just trying to write again and to sort of continue where I left off.  I've had another offer for help with regards my next job application, and as I stated in the previous post, I've got to perhaps search within myself to allow that to happen and to stop myself from feeling a failure by allowing help in this process.  I don't know why I feel this way, it's not what I would say it was normal.  So why do I feel like it's a failing?  I don't know, I have no idea where it began or why it began.  

It does however pose a problem for me, as it perhaps does hinder me in applications and my potential career development.  

So what else?  I had no idea how long it had been between posts on here, but then I do go for long spells without posting then return.  I return here after a traumatic year, where I lost my mother, I was in and out of hospital and essentially lost my closest family.  Still that was expected after mum died, I knew that was going to happen, Hayley has done things that has gone beyond redemption and I can never forgive her.  I don't care what others say, she's just over stepped the mark, and to think she blames me. 

Coming Back

It's been a while since I wrote anything about me, about how I am and where I'm at with life and the universe.  I'm not in the of places, far from it, however I've been worse.  I've been worse recently, and I think that's why I'm wanting to write something, to try and rid myself of that, to give me a chance to further my improvement and bring myself back to a point where I can move forward again rather than standing still.

In the past month I actively applied for a job, I say actively, I mean I really went for it, it wasn't a run of the mill application and one that I gave a lot of thought and effort to.  I didn't want to get my hopes up in terms of getting the job, I knew that I would have to be lucky to get it, but it was a post that I could do and felt confident of at least getting an interview, in fact that was what I expected at the least and maximum.  As with my luck, I didn't get an interview, I'm still awaiting a response from the charity as to why I didn't get a interview, but I when I was informed of this I felt crushed.  I felt hopeless that here was a post that suited me, that I could do and I'd failed to get the minimum of what I expected.  After years of looking for what would be a perfect job, I found it and I'd made a mess of it.  I've have an idea where it went wrong, and if that proves to be the reason then I need to sit down and be honest with myself, otherwise I have to really do some work with myself.

The ramifications of the above was a complete loss of confidence in my ability, to do what I've been doing, I suffered this when I left Barnardo's and it took me some time to sort myself out and move on from that.  I really did want to stop all my voluntary work that I am currently doing, I didn't feel that I was contributing to the groups, and even a recent award for being a volunteer on these groups was enough to convince me at that point that I was doing anything worthwhile.  I did something though that I don't think I would have done a good few years back and that was to allow myself some time, time to think, time to let the dust settle, I am happy to say that I've not stopped volunteering.  I still don't know how much I'm contributing; I'm having to really work that out.  What I do know is that by giving up what I'm doing would leave me with little to nothing to do, and I'd feel worse than I did and do now.  I've got to keep doing something, or else I'd let the demons back in. 

With this knowledge what do I do next?  Well I've got to find out what went wrong, and accept my failings.  I've got to work on the failings, but how?  Well perhaps it's asking for help, but in doing that I then feel that I haven't done something myself, which of course is something work wise. I don't know if I should admit that yet, but at some point I'll have to say something and then I could move forward.  Let's see.  I type this on a train to Brighton, I'm about 30 minutes out of the city.  I'm going to a conference, where I've got to take part, but also take notes to write up a report for one of the places I volunteer for.  It's not something I'm looking forward to, but again it's about confidence in my abilities, which right now is very low, and well it's never been high in some ways.  I should clarify, I feel confident in my abilities in the field of work I do, but there are some aspects I don't enjoy, and that's something I need to build on.  If I can do this to a adequate standard I'll be pleased and of course that will further enhance my self-belief and may help me step forward. 

Socially things are possibly better than they have been for many a year right now.  I am out at least once a week volunteering, and often twice a week doing various things.  That's a lot better than it was, and I can live with that. The only problem with my social life, is my weight, I'm becoming very conscious that due to the steroids that I'm taking for my sarcoidosis is making my weight balloon.  I've put on all the weight that I managed to take off over the past 3 or 4 years, and it's killing me.  I wish I could take some of the weight off, but I can't, well not yet.  I will get it back off, and get back down to what it was.