It's been a while since I wrote anything about me, about how I am and where I'm at with life and the universe. I'm not in the of places, far from it, however I've been worse. I've been worse recently, and I think that's why I'm wanting to write something, to try and rid myself of that, to give me a chance to further my improvement and bring myself back to a point where I can move forward again rather than standing still.
In the past month I actively applied for a job, I say actively, I mean I really went for it, it wasn't a run of the mill application and one that I gave a lot of thought and effort to. I didn't want to get my hopes up in terms of getting the job, I knew that I would have to be lucky to get it, but it was a post that I could do and felt confident of at least getting an interview, in fact that was what I expected at the least and maximum. As with my luck, I didn't get an interview, I'm still awaiting a response from the charity as to why I didn't get a interview, but I when I was informed of this I felt crushed. I felt hopeless that here was a post that suited me, that I could do and I'd failed to get the minimum of what I expected. After years of looking for what would be a perfect job, I found it and I'd made a mess of it. I've have an idea where it went wrong, and if that proves to be the reason then I need to sit down and be honest with myself, otherwise I have to really do some work with myself.
The ramifications of the above was a complete loss of confidence in my ability, to do what I've been doing, I suffered this when I left Barnardo's and it took me some time to sort myself out and move on from that. I really did want to stop all my voluntary work that I am currently doing, I didn't feel that I was contributing to the groups, and even a recent award for being a volunteer on these groups was enough to convince me at that point that I was doing anything worthwhile. I did something though that I don't think I would have done a good few years back and that was to allow myself some time, time to think, time to let the dust settle, I am happy to say that I've not stopped volunteering. I still don't know how much I'm contributing; I'm having to really work that out. What I do know is that by giving up what I'm doing would leave me with little to nothing to do, and I'd feel worse than I did and do now. I've got to keep doing something, or else I'd let the demons back in.
With this knowledge what do I do next? Well I've got to find out what went wrong, and accept my failings. I've got to work on the failings, but how? Well perhaps it's asking for help, but in doing that I then feel that I haven't done something myself, which of course is something work wise. I don't know if I should admit that yet, but at some point I'll have to say something and then I could move forward. Let's see. I type this on a train to Brighton, I'm about 30 minutes out of the city. I'm going to a conference, where I've got to take part, but also take notes to write up a report for one of the places I volunteer for. It's not something I'm looking forward to, but again it's about confidence in my abilities, which right now is very low, and well it's never been high in some ways. I should clarify, I feel confident in my abilities in the field of work I do, but there are some aspects I don't enjoy, and that's something I need to build on. If I can do this to a adequate standard I'll be pleased and of course that will further enhance my self-belief and may help me step forward.
Socially things are possibly better than they have been for many a year right now. I am out at least once a week volunteering, and often twice a week doing various things. That's a lot better than it was, and I can live with that. The only problem with my social life, is my weight, I'm becoming very conscious that due to the steroids that I'm taking for my sarcoidosis is making my weight balloon. I've put on all the weight that I managed to take off over the past 3 or 4 years, and it's killing me. I wish I could take some of the weight off, but I can't, well not yet. I will get it back off, and get back down to what it was.