Sunday, April 25, 2010

Here I am again, in a great mood, however a grey cloud is forming and so I need to write. Not that I'm too concerned over the cloud, because I've spotted it and whilst I may not be able to do anything about the situation as such I'm aware of it and thus preventing the cloud getting any bigger.

So what of the cloud? Well to be honest, I've got no music on, I've got no tv shows to watch and I just fancy a chat to someone, and it hasn't been forthcoming all day. So I guess I just want some communication with someone. I know I'll be heading to my mum's in a bit, but it isn't exactly the communication that I want right now. I want a friend to chat to, about something, anything.

Still that's the gripe of the day, it's the only down side on the way things are right now. I'm feeling happy, I'm feeling fitter than I have done of late, as all the walking I'm doing in preparation for the sponsored walk I'm doing is going well. My mind is focussed on that, and after doing a exteneded training run that was equal to the 10km that I'm walking in July I feel really positive about this now. So much so that my mind is slowly turning to the next event after this and that was one that went ahead last week in Manchester. That was a complete marathon walk through the night. If I can maintain my training once the event is over, I may well start to consider doing this event next year, it would be a challenge, but if I start from here in terms of building up for that event I shoud be fine. Stopping there though, as I don't want to get to ahead of myself, this walk I'm down for doing is the most important right now. I was very pleased about this morning as the previous attempt after 1 weeks training had to be aborted or should I say cut short. This time 2 weeks later and I'm through the barrier and now finishing the walk distance. This bodes well, and I'm really pleased with the way things are.

The feel good factor about feeling fitter is great and I am certainly seeing more self confidence coming through, all I need to do is sort out the face and I'll be laughing and joking all the way. Let's just hope I can continue the motivation after the walk too continue.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Pleased to Meet You

Having a picnic in the park, is one of those memories that most people have from some point or other, be it with the family or perhaps a partner or just freinds. Maybe because the weather has had a turn for the better here over recent days, I'm sort of yearning to have a said picnic. Times a change though, as my memories of picnics in the park, was of the odd sandwich, possibly a cream cake from the shop at the bottom of the road and a drink from the paper shop on the same road. Oh those drinks, I can't recall exactly what it was, not that it was a poor quality drink, but the drinks themselves came in animal shape containers and I loved the elephant version. However the paper shop didn't always have them in stock, but when they did they were a required element of said picnic. Today however, I'd be eager to have snacks and a wide range of stuff. Also the local park isn't exactly as exciting as it once was. Still it doesn't stop me wanting to have a picnic.

The day dreams of a rambling mind I guess, things are going well right now in some area's I'm happy and contented with the way life is going. They could be better, but that's something we all experience, and I'm enjoying going out exercising once more. I think I'll give myself perhaps 2 or 3 more weeks before going out for a walk becomes the norm and will be part of the daily routine. Then I've got to start changing my routes around a bit more, sticking to the same routes day after day is OK for now, as I can gauge how well I'm doing, but when it becomes routine it can become something which affects me more than it's doing good. However, I've now registerd to do the walk in July, so I'm walking in preparation for that right now.

There you go, that's it, that's life right now, but it's far more than that, it's all about me and being me for a change is perhaps a good thing. I do think some of that is due to me going out walking, I know I've got to lose weight and that by going out and walking will help me with that. It's also giving me more energy to work with and that's making me feel better about me. Yes, it's been said before, but it really does do me good to be exercising and being positive about myself. So who knows this time next year what the situation will be, but I'm hoping to be in this good place. It's not quite perfect, but what is?

Sunday, April 11, 2010

I know What I'm Here For!

Motive, attitude, and down right determination are what this week has been about for me. I write this chilling down before grabbing a quick shower. I've made a decision this week to be me, and to do something about me. I have long said that I need to become more active again and so I have, I have decided to enter this years St Ann's hospice Manchester Midnight Walk. It's a 10km walk through Manchester as the title suggest all through the night.

It's perhaps me being selfish and me doing this in an attempt for me to get fit once more and to lose some weight. That is a good thing for my health and my mental state I guess, and so this past week has seen me start walking, which was a mile a day and a 4 mile walk this morning. The distances will increase, and hopefully I will shed some weight, and become a lot fitter than I am. I can't recall being as unfit as I am right now and I'm almost ashamed of myself for it. I know I have to be careful because of my knee's, but walking is far easier on them than running. The walk isn't until July, so I've plenty of weeks ahead to put in more training and get fitter and slimmer hopefully.

As for my attitude, well I'm being me, I'm no longer caring, and whilst the shit may hit the fan in the next week or so I'm going to stand up for myself with it. I am who I am and that's that. I do what is good for me, not what others want me to do, why should I do that? I've done that often enough, and now it's time for others to listen. I will set down conditions if I have too, but hey who cares? The people that think they are in the driving seat may well feel rather unsettled by recent events but I don't think they will have much of an option soon, well they have, but there are ways around it.

In terms of the last week as well, I've had a great couple of nights watch James in Sheffield and then Preston, for all of those whom I met along the way thank you, more so to Kay and Alex, and a hello to those that I chatted to. The James community is large and wide in this country and we help each other out. I'm just grateful to know you all. As for the concerts themselves, I don't know what it is, no matter how many times I see James I never get let down, I never feel as if it's been a really bad show, perhaps not always the best, but you get moments of genius all the time. That's why I am prepared to watch them 2 nights running, that's why I'd follow them on tour if I could. Still my time will come I guess. Now it's time to contemplate a shower, before going out to watch the football this lunch time.

Monday, April 05, 2010

Cryptic wonders

I find today to be nothing more than just another Monday to be honest, there is hardly anything worth watching on television to get me out and down to my mum's to watch that. Still that's not too bad, I can if I so wish get my book and read that, but I don't want to. I'm happy, just plodding around doing various bit and bobs and doing the occasional bit of work. So hey ho, whilst it's just another Monday, it's at least a Monday where I'm contented.

Now that is clear, I've got to try and decide what I want to write and where I go, the age old problem I have when writing in a good place. I find it hard to draw inspiration from positivies, even yesterday whilst a very positive post, I was coming from a negative situation. So why is that? I'm sure I've gone over that before now, so I won't go at it again. What I will say though is that I feel enpowered to attack the world or at least my own world right now. I am going to attack, attack all be it very slowly, but none the less I'm going for it. I've defended for a long time now, and whilst I've got the self confidence and am in a good place I'm ready to attack. I don't know if it's going to be for the best or the worse, so I've got to be prepared for it, but hey ho if I don't try then I won't gain or fail will I?

The worse may be horrible and if it comes to that, I'm sure I'll be writing about it in here at some point in the very near future, but right now I don't care. It's time for the status quo to be broken and for acceptance. I can plead all I like, but it's got me no where, so let's be determind, let's attack and let's put it into the open. If it all falls down then hell to them, but I'm in a good spot, and feel I can deal with it. I may have accepted that only a couple of days ago I was close to falling down the hole by being lonely, but by spotting that, I've found myself on a better platform, one from which I can attack from. As ever I'm being cryptic, but that is only for my safety I guess from others.

I'm now really am grasping to find a thread of a thought from which to develop this entry further. I guess it's left to close it down and write again shortly. I'm glad that over the past month or two I've found my willingness to write once more. I may not be as prolific as I would wish to be or have been in the past, but the fact that I'm writing is helping and a satisfying one. So to those who do read this thank you, I don't know what you make of these entries, not too many comments, but if you know who I am, you know where I'm at and whilst you may not offer too many comments here, you know what to expect if you talk to me.

Added Notes
Well, I've attaked and whilst nothing has taken place just yet, I'll be awaiting the response soon enough. No huffing and puffing, not imediate attitude, so we'll wait and see. Perhaps some acceptance is there, though how much I don't know. The more I attack and challenge the easier it might become for me, or should that be the better it will become for me, and I can move forward that much quicker than I imagined. We'll wait and see.

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Wait and See.

Well yesterday was certainly an intersting day. I can look back with a little hope, a little regret and some positive to be honest. So what made it so intersting?

I guess it started some time in the afternoon, I had been to the pub to watch the football, and was fairly frustrated at the result, which was understandable after the performance United put out yet again. However, I can accept defeat and poor performances as I've seen plenty of them over the years, so frustration was the only emotion I had. I left the pub and started to walk back to my mum's and after about 100 yards or so burst into tears. I couldn't stop for ages, and for the rest of the day was a constant battle to prevent myself from crying henceforth. There was no obvious reasons for it, it certainly wasn't the football.

Later on, after I got home and was pottering around on the internet, and noticing that a friend was online, I opened a chat with them, however they failed to respond, and whilst that isn't unusal, when they eventually went off line it struck me, as once again I burst into tears. I guess all I wanted was a chat, all it was, was me being lonely. I know I see certain people often, but I guess every now and again all I want is a chat, about anything. What didn't help either I guess was that whilst at home I hadn't put any music on, and thus things were ever so quiet as well. Once I realised what was upsetting me, I addressed the situation, I put the radio on to listen to that, and read a book. I let myself get transported out of my room and into another world, and it certainly helped.

So the positive is that whilst I've not exactly spoken to anyone, I've spotted the situaiton, did something about it and have moved on rather quicker than normal. Yes, it did help getting an email from my best friend for the first time in while, and I guess I should have spotted a sign or two earlier in the week, when I started to question over why I'd had no response from her to an earlier email and text. I know I like to be instantanious in responding, but I've grown accustomed to most of my friends response times, and any delays become obvious. However, when I start questioning why no response I guess I should realise that I'm getting a bit desperate for a conversation or something.

Now that it's over with today is a new day, I'm feeling a lot better and am moving forward. How forward I go I don't really know yet, but hey the plan is for a huge leap today and if I do, I'll be quite a lot happier full stop with things. So we'll wait and see.