Thursday, June 30, 2005

4 Years Ago

It's 4 years ago today since my dad died, it's around 4 years ago to the minute that I got the phone call from my mum to say that I should get down to the hospital as fast as I can. I think I did 2 or 3 miles in just over 18 minutes, but it was all in vain. By the time I got to the hospital my dad had died. I blame myself for his death, I know that one or two others blame me for his death, but as time goes by I am slowly taking that blame away from me.

I miss my dad, I miss our arguements, I miss his humour. I want him back, even if it is for just 10 or 15 minutes, just tell him I'm sorry, I'm sorry for all the heartache I caused him, I'd tell him how much I'd loved him, and most of all to thank him for being such a wonderful dad. I never got round to telling him that. That I guess is what hurts more than anything, was not being able to tell him everything I wanted to tell him.

I wanted to use the diary entry I made on the day of his funeral here today, but I just couldn't get it to paste. I'm sure that if I was a bit more computer savvy I'd be able to do so, but it's powerful stuff that post, and reading it now sends me into floods of tears, I doubt I'll ever be able to prevent that, it's such a vivid description of how this day 4 years ago panned out.

As a show of respect to dad, this post is in red. He was proud to be from Salford, he was proud to be from Lancashire. Both of these, Salford being his home city like mine, and Lancashire his home county are associated with the colour red. His favourtie soccer team played in red, like him I'm as deep rooted red as could be.

Dad where ever you are, I'm sorry, I love you and I miss you.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Here we are again

It's the start of a week I dread to think about. Work see's us start planning for our playscheme's which is going to be hard work. Whilst assisting in the past has been ok, and often difficult, this time I'm doing it for myself and not someone else. I don't know what to expect really. I've got my cousin's funeral to go too tomorrow afternoon. Funeral's are never fun, more so if it's a family funeral, plus I think it's the first funeral of someone younger than myself, it's a tough one. Then to cap everything off, this Thursday is the 4th anniversary of my dad's death. I miss him so much. I think that come Thursday I may post the full or edited version of my diary entry for that day, in my pc diary that I was keeping around that time.

So if my post's become odder and odder during this week, or more indepth then you've got an idea as to why it's happened this week.

Short, sweet and swift is today's post.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Open mind

Well after the reasonable weather of the past couple of days, I say reasonable, Friday was dreadful in terms of rain and in certain parts of the country floods. This of course was in sharp contrast to seriously hot weather of the previous days. Today seems to be a return to the better weather, and promises to be a real hot day, a day of rest and leisure for some of us.

To side step into yesterday's post, and in a way very much along the same theme of open and closed, I'm opening and closing my musical tastes at this point also. I'm very much of the mind that if I like something then I'll go listen to something of that band. Now for some reason, I'm listening to even more obscure music and enjoying so much more right now. Why would I like Bossa Nova going straight into nu-metal and enjoying both. It's great, the wide and diverse range of music may not be everyone's cup of tea, but it's certainly fun. I'm loving listening to Glastonbury festival, which I now wish I was at, apart from that where the flooding was this Friday.

It's now only 4 or 5 weeks before the start of Playscheme's which will be the most intense and most fun part of my working year. Although this year I'm taking it from an alternative stance in terms of being the one officially running the scheme's I'm still planning on letting it be a fun scheme. I see no reason why we should have fun, though of course the fun aspect has to be placed side by side with safety. I'm excited rather than nervous about this right now.......

This isn't going to be some war and peace novel today, I'm not in writing mood. I should be, as I'm full of many thoughts, but not in the writing mode. Life isn't always about, writing how you feel, it's about living how ya feel.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Open and closed

It seems that I'm becoming more and more open to the world, yet at the same time shutting the shutters down even firmer on others. I don't know why? Maybe it's the wanting of acceptance, and relationships? I don't really know, but I do know that I would like to think I can be open and honest to the world, without them ever being against me for that. I know it's never going to happen and I've got a long way to go till I can accept the world for what it is, rather than they accepting me.

This is the sister post to yesterdays blog, or it's started off that way. To be open and honest in this world is a great achivement, and only the strong can do that and still be comfortable and achieve what they want. The weak amongst us can't be open and honest. We'd be eaten alive. If you put me in a room with 100 people and we had 4 corners, I'd suggest that only 6 or 7 would be me in my corner while the others would be spread evenly. 6 or 7 people out of 100 is shocking really, but that's reality. I can't deal with the torrent of dislike the other 90+ would throw at me, I'd have to leave the room. Compare that to the strong person and they'd take an even share of the 100 people, if not more.

How do you become strong? For one you have to entrust yourself for who you are, by that you have to have a high regard for yourself, confident about yourself and self assured. Neither of these am I, and no matter how hard I try it never improves. It seems crazy that no matter how much effort I put in and even others it takes a slight push to send the walls tumbling down. Once that is in place, you have to solidify it, and create a history of being assuired and comfortable. That way it gives a steady backing for the new people you meet, gain the extra few people to the 6 or 7. That though is the easy part it's maintaining that over a period of time, which is harder, as the longer you maintain that confidence the more ingrained in you it becomes, till it's naturally yours to keep. You then step up another level till ultimately you are strong enough to share an even percentage of the 100 people.

Practising what I preach though has never worked for me, I fail myself in that as I said yesterday I set such standards in terms of friendships that I don't let the personal barriers down, which pushes people away instead of attracting them to me. To bring down the barriers though requires confidence and everything that I menetion above. Vicious circle's of coruse, and one I wish to break, but if I break it, will I run into another such has been a case for most of my life. It's crazy of course to think that everything I do is a vicious circle, it isn't. Yet it does feel like that most of the time.

Searching the inner self though proves that maybe for me the search for improvement is impossible. If I look into my inner self, all I see is negative about myself, one which has been built up over years by myself more than others. Some have added there opinions in there, but mainly it's all mime. If I say right now that I'm ugly it's because that's how I see myself. I can't see myelf ever entrering into a long term sexual relationship, I can't see me ever having a job that pays well, I'll always be on the breadline. I'll die poor, while others around me will prosper. It's always the case, and it just continues to prove itself right. Why should I bother at all with it. Nothing new ever comes around to dispell this theory.

People say I'm a wonderful person, but it's all well and good saying that, but then in terms of showing me any evidence they just say how I've helped them or others or the job I do. My job and helping others is what I was born to do. In terms of value to society, yes I've given more than most in my short life, but that doesn't mean that I see it as anything other than insignificant. I do things that are natural for me, it's natural to put my problems aside to help others.

The dark dark recess that is inside me probably adds to the outer person more than it should, but it won't effect my job, I've learnt how to deal with that problem and yes it can seem to others that I'm unfit to work, but I know from experience that I can put my problems to the other side while working.

This crazy thing that I call life is an oddity, where pain is close to pleasure most of the time. I would like to swap it, I'd like it to be different, different from birth, but then had it been that way, who'd to say my friendship with Lisa would have evolved, who'd to say that I'd be writing here? It's crazy, I'd go back and start all over again if I could maintain a few certain things in life.

Friday, June 24, 2005


Twice in 2 days, I've not done this for ages!! It sort of feels good to be writing again. I've no excuses for not writing, cept that I forgot or was on a downward spiral. I did have a period where I was busy, more so as another person was almost camped on my pc, using it for her own purposes. I didn't mind, as it was company for me, but it wore thin towards the end.

Back to this post, what is this one going to be about? I think with the opening the way it is, it may turn into a post into relationships, but I may have covered that one before, but it's a topic that can never be talked about too much. Before any of you think that this indicates that I'm in love, quite the opposite to be honest, but I'm twisting and turning in terms of my own view on people and me, with regards relationships.

So where do I start here? Well let's go back years and years ago, to school days. I know that I enjoyed that period of my life as much as I could under the extreme circumstances, but hell I enjoyed myself. If I'm honest, although I was well liked, I wasn't the most popular person in school, and out of that period of my life I'd say only 2 people survive in terms of friendships. Others I see now and again and chat or others I see and walk past. For someone who was popular only 2 people to survive is that good or bad? I don't really know, as it's now as long out of school as it was in it, I'd say I've done well to at least retain some people from that era.

To use the terms friends though is tough. I've a high regard for what friends are all about. Friends are people that you can trust, someone you know will help you, as much as you'll help them. You'll do things for them that you'd only do for perhaps yourself or family. Friends are the ultimate people, I have always stated that I had a ladder effect in my mind as to the categories of relationships. At the bottom of the ladder were aquaintences (sp?), these people are those that I know, bump into via work or just social life, acknowledge and perhaps talk too. I've got loads of these type of people. Around half way up the ladder are my mates, they are the people that I'll talk too on a regular basis, perhaps even go out with them. Again I've a few of these. Way up at the top of the ladder are my friends, I use the plural here, as right now I'd say I've got one or two in this select group.

I shouldn't categorise like I do, but it's something that I've done since I was in school, and it's made it hard for me to stop using that imaginary ladder. I don't want to lose it to be honest, but what I do need to do, is readjust the picture. You see the thing was to move from the bottom to the middle was easy, simple, it took perhaps 10 minutes or so of real time to move up the ladder. Then between half way and the top was a door, almost a trap door, and to open that to break through into the friends area was almost impossible. I know some people have been bashing at the door for years without being let in. Why would I do such a thing??

Well as I said previously friends are the kind of people who you can trust, no matter what. Some of the people I'm talking about, I can't trust for what ever reason, it's not belittling them, it's just me being me I guess. Friendships are earnt, and they've not done anything to earn it, but on the flip side, they've done nothing wrong in many cases. It's really hard to describe in words the way my head works on this issue. I think what escalated this feeling was the working environment that I used to work in. At the schools I've worked at I trusted people and they let me down badly, they hurt me and that just added weight onto the trap door. Add this too all my personal issues that I had, and it makes it even harder for me to allow people in, I almost became trapped within myself.

Things change though, and somethings are better than others. I wouldn't say the ladder has been gotten rid of, far from it. I think now though, there isn't a weight on the trap door. I'm letting people in and out quite quickly. What makes that any different? Well this time, I'm aware that my own paranoia's have interfered with too many friendships or perceived friendships and has led to me losing touch or pushing people away. I don't like that, it always ends up with me blaming myself and that leads to depression and malaise. I don't need those in my life right now, I'm on the whole more positive with life, it's worth working at, but I am aware of a few issues surrounding myself that makes me sink back to the dark side.

Working at Barnardo's has also helped me move the door to a opne position. I know that earlier this year I questioned this, and I still do have my reservations, but that's always going to be the case no matter where I work. My co-workers have welcomed me into the fold, which wasn't hard for them or myself as I knew them all, but it's as if I'd never worked any where else at times. The trust issue I guess has altered also. I've been burnt by previous colleagues, so I'm more aware that ulitimate trust is something which has to be built up, and that although I trust them 90%, that extra 10% is something to which has to be earned. It's an imaginary thing from me, but it's something which helps me operate. I'm smiling again and the big thing is that I'm no longer feeling like I shouldn't contribute in meetings. That's always a good sign for myself, as it shows my trust of them is getting better, I'm feeling more a part of them rather than just being there.

To get back to friendships, the door is open, but the weights are just scattered around the entrance in case another attack occurs and I have to shut the door again. Whilst the door is open, I think I'll redecorate the room, as it's not been done for a while. I know that my best friend Lisa, is getting a bit tired of the colours. With Lisa mentioned, may I just point this out right now, and I'm going to spell it out in capitals....


there it's done. If this were a true discussion I'd debate that statement, but it isn't a debatable subject as far as I'm concerned. The amount of times Lisa has helped me out is beyond the call of duty, she's been the shoulder to cry on for all my life. I'm sure we'll be there for both of us till we both leave this life.

Point here leading to the ladder and the friendship area. Having known Lisa for so long and been such good friends with her since before we went to school even, I compare anyone at the trap door to her. It's unfair to do so really, as no one can compare to her, not in my books. So perhaps I've got to learn to treat people as themselves, instead of using something rather special as the guide to friendship.

Thursday, June 23, 2005


Well it seems to have been nearly a lifetime since I last posted anything in here. I have serveral reasons and I'll try to explain them while writing this entry. Thank you Janet again for inspiring me to find this place again.

I guess the reason for me not posting anything is numerous, first of all, I've been lazy in not thinking about here, but it's not as if I've not had any time to write anything I have, so a big slap across my wrist for that. Secondly, about a week or so after my last entry, my browser crashed for some reason. I lost all my links and lots of other things I had with it. I know I haven't got half as much back as I had, but little things keep springing up. This place for example, I'd put it to the back of my mind, and kept ignoring it. Then this morning Janet pop's up asking to link my pages to her's and I knew I had to get back to work on here. If I'm to let someone link this place I've got to put something new in here and to get back to writing things down.

Memo to myself!!! Remember to eat with the right side of your mouth, you fool. The reason for this is that I'd been experiencing excruicating tooth ache over the past 2 weeks or so, and on Tuesday the reason why was found. I lost a filling out of a back tooth a couple of years ago, and it was this tooth that had all the problems. It wasn't till this week and a visit to the local Dental hospital that I found it was infact my wisdom tooth. After looking at it, the dentist took the decision for an x-ray and see how the roots lie. With that we discovered that apart from having little of the tooth let to keep in and put a new filling in, I had an absess on the tooth. This is the reason why I was taking up to 8 paracetamol's plus a drink of beer or a glass of wine each night to quell the pain. So the dentist took the offending tooth out on Tuesday morning. I love the fact that he used his plyers and pulled. After all these years there isn't a better method than that, we've yet to replace the human touch in this field. Of course this has meant a strict diet since then, nothing too hot or cold, nothing too hard which would mean lot's of chewing. What I do eat though has to be done on the right, and after biting into a slice of toast I need to remember what I have just said.

Back to event's of 3 months I guess. Since my last entry I've changed jobs!!! I no longer work in a special needs school, though in many ways my job change is just a step sideways. I'm now working for Barnardo's, with whom I'd volunteered for near enough 20 years. I've been working there now for just over 2 months and I'm enjoying myself again. I'm still in touch with the same children from school, and school are using me to drive the minibus on various trips so I've not lost total contact. I made many friends there over the 10 years I was with them, and had it not been for the all the bitching that I got over my problems, I'd have stayed. I didn't want to leave, I hated having to leave, but it's for the best. Within the realms of myself, this move though has worked wonders on me. I've managed to take a weight off my shoulders and now feel valued at work again. I can't recall the last time I had that feeling, and it's enough to enthuse me into already have worked enough over time to qualify myself for 2 weeks extra pay or holidays if I so wish.

Family life is no real difference, I don't see my neice any more than I used too, in fact less now. I don't get the half-term or summer holiday's off. I guess that I'm going to have to organise myself in the summer and take the most out of the single days that I can. I feel awful that I'm in this situation, but it's up to THEM (sister and Brother in law) to sort out. One of my cousin's died last weekend, just as we thought she was doing well, and that things were going to go well for her side of our family. We are still unsure of the nature of the death, but we all have a good idea what has happened. It's scary that she was only 19. I know that this sounds crazy, but I know that I failed her. She'd had her own problems for a while, but not once did I ever offer her the chance to come and talk to me. Had I done so, I guess I wouldn't have been feeling the way I am over her death right now. I'm not saying I'd have had the answers she'd have wanted, but I've been through enough to know that I could possibly have helped. That is what I do, and all I know really.

In terms of other people, well I had a month or so of a friend coming around to see me. She'd moved into a flat down the road. The friendship is an odd one, but in a way typical of those that I have. To me anyway it's all one way, I give and help, and then get nothing in return. It does hurt, you try to alter this and it just makes things even worse. Right now my friend and she will be for a long time I suspect that, isn't talking to me. Just because I questioned her, and did so in a manner which made her question herself. She doesn't like that in me, and what makes it harder for me, is that it was just a throw away line, one which I'd expect to be thrown back at me from time to time I guess.

My best friend Lisa, is having a rough time of it this year. I'm not going into detail here, it's not the place and I'm sure she doesn't want the world to know about it. What it has done though, it's given me the chance to repay her for all the years of support and love that she's given me. I'm having a "Lisa" year and she's having a "Leia" year in many ways. I guess that I should be happy for that, but I'm not. I don't miss the anything that can go wrong will go wrong life that is the norm for me. I'm just feeling that I need to grab it back off Lisa, I'm used to the shit, she isn't and it's effecting her more than I expected. I guess it's like watching a reflection of myself over the past 20 or so years. It isn't pretty, but hell I'm used to it now, and so it doesn't effect me that much. It takes lots to force me down.

Talking of moods, I've been seeing a counciler recently, it's starting to help I think. The recent death has shown me that. I'd have blamed myself for the death normally for not offering her the chance to talk, but not now. Now I realise that I may have failed her, but I certainly wasn't to blame for her death. I failed, but I'm sure that others are to blame more than me. It is that which proves to me that this is working. Maybe though it's because I'm having such a clear year that I can see things from a different angle. I'm still fragile though, and almost any little thing can knock my confidence. I should have been at a wedding on Monday night, but apart from my tooth being in agony, I only knew 6 people there of which, 2 were the bride and groom. It was really difficult to attend with people looking at me, instead of the bride and groom. It soon became obvious to me that I was fast becoming the centre of attention and should leave. That's something I have to deal with, it's not nice, but circumstances meant that my confidence was hit. It doesn't matter that an elememt of doubt had been placed into my head by some girls at work, but this is me.

Anyway, the sky is clear except for some wispy clouds dotted around, it's going to be another scorcher of a day, and today is pay day. I can go get some shopping, get some fuel in the car, and also in the can for mum's lawn mower. I've got some money to play with this month after last month's disaster. I didn't have a penny to play with, and so I've had to live basically off my mum. I hate myself for having to do that, but when it's necessary I have to. I'm going to have to sort out my money, but that's something I keep telling myself, and never do. Perhaps this newer me will be able to do that. I feel positively rich right now. I'm aiming to keep it that way from now on though. If I don't need something then, I don't need to buy it. I've got almost everything that I want, but that's where most of the problems are. It's the small items that build up. A cd here, a dvd there, etc.

Talking of cd's and dvd's, I guess that I should point out that I went to see Queen + Paul Rogers during my sabatical. What a concert, it's amazing that these guys who are in there 50's can still rock the world like they did. It was very impressive, though not half as impressive had it been the Queen the world knew prior to November 24th 1991. It wasn't the same watching the guys perform without Freddie. I guess that his legend has been cemented even more by this tour, as no matter how great a singer Paul Rogers is, he's not the total package that Freddie was. To be te front man for Queen, you need energy to prance around the stage to play the audience, Rogers hasn't the energy, nor do I think he ever did. Still his craftmanship in terms of his voice and his own presentation was first class. I saw Simon and Garfunkel at the same arena last year, and to be honest they were among the best concerts I've seen in years. I guess age makes you better.

There you have it, a new entry, and one which is perhaps shorter than I expected, but in general lot's longer than those that have gone before. I do hope to return to this place soon I need too. It does help being able to let out everything that is in my heart and head. It's great to not have to worry about what most people will say, as for on the whole, the people mentioned in here don't have a clue this place exists. That's the way I want to keep it for a while longer. I know it's unfair, but it's a place for me to let everything go.