Saturday, June 25, 2005

Open and closed

It seems that I'm becoming more and more open to the world, yet at the same time shutting the shutters down even firmer on others. I don't know why? Maybe it's the wanting of acceptance, and relationships? I don't really know, but I do know that I would like to think I can be open and honest to the world, without them ever being against me for that. I know it's never going to happen and I've got a long way to go till I can accept the world for what it is, rather than they accepting me.

This is the sister post to yesterdays blog, or it's started off that way. To be open and honest in this world is a great achivement, and only the strong can do that and still be comfortable and achieve what they want. The weak amongst us can't be open and honest. We'd be eaten alive. If you put me in a room with 100 people and we had 4 corners, I'd suggest that only 6 or 7 would be me in my corner while the others would be spread evenly. 6 or 7 people out of 100 is shocking really, but that's reality. I can't deal with the torrent of dislike the other 90+ would throw at me, I'd have to leave the room. Compare that to the strong person and they'd take an even share of the 100 people, if not more.

How do you become strong? For one you have to entrust yourself for who you are, by that you have to have a high regard for yourself, confident about yourself and self assured. Neither of these am I, and no matter how hard I try it never improves. It seems crazy that no matter how much effort I put in and even others it takes a slight push to send the walls tumbling down. Once that is in place, you have to solidify it, and create a history of being assuired and comfortable. That way it gives a steady backing for the new people you meet, gain the extra few people to the 6 or 7. That though is the easy part it's maintaining that over a period of time, which is harder, as the longer you maintain that confidence the more ingrained in you it becomes, till it's naturally yours to keep. You then step up another level till ultimately you are strong enough to share an even percentage of the 100 people.

Practising what I preach though has never worked for me, I fail myself in that as I said yesterday I set such standards in terms of friendships that I don't let the personal barriers down, which pushes people away instead of attracting them to me. To bring down the barriers though requires confidence and everything that I menetion above. Vicious circle's of coruse, and one I wish to break, but if I break it, will I run into another such has been a case for most of my life. It's crazy of course to think that everything I do is a vicious circle, it isn't. Yet it does feel like that most of the time.

Searching the inner self though proves that maybe for me the search for improvement is impossible. If I look into my inner self, all I see is negative about myself, one which has been built up over years by myself more than others. Some have added there opinions in there, but mainly it's all mime. If I say right now that I'm ugly it's because that's how I see myself. I can't see myelf ever entrering into a long term sexual relationship, I can't see me ever having a job that pays well, I'll always be on the breadline. I'll die poor, while others around me will prosper. It's always the case, and it just continues to prove itself right. Why should I bother at all with it. Nothing new ever comes around to dispell this theory.

People say I'm a wonderful person, but it's all well and good saying that, but then in terms of showing me any evidence they just say how I've helped them or others or the job I do. My job and helping others is what I was born to do. In terms of value to society, yes I've given more than most in my short life, but that doesn't mean that I see it as anything other than insignificant. I do things that are natural for me, it's natural to put my problems aside to help others.

The dark dark recess that is inside me probably adds to the outer person more than it should, but it won't effect my job, I've learnt how to deal with that problem and yes it can seem to others that I'm unfit to work, but I know from experience that I can put my problems to the other side while working.

This crazy thing that I call life is an oddity, where pain is close to pleasure most of the time. I would like to swap it, I'd like it to be different, different from birth, but then had it been that way, who'd to say my friendship with Lisa would have evolved, who'd to say that I'd be writing here? It's crazy, I'd go back and start all over again if I could maintain a few certain things in life.

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