Wow

Twice in 2 days, I've not done this for ages!! It sort of feels good to be writing again. I've no excuses for not writing, cept that I forgot or was on a downward spiral. I did have a period where I was busy, more so as another person was almost camped on my pc, using it for her own purposes. I didn't mind, as it was company for me, but it wore thin towards the end.

Back to this post, what is this one going to be about? I think with the opening the way it is, it may turn into a post into relationships, but I may have covered that one before, but it's a topic that can never be talked about too much. Before any of you think that this indicates that I'm in love, quite the opposite to be honest, but I'm twisting and turning in terms of my own view on people and me, with regards relationships.

So where do I start here? Well let's go back years and years ago, to school days. I know that I enjoyed that period of my life as much as I could under the extreme circumstances, but hell I enjoyed myself. If I'm honest, although I was well liked, I wasn't the most popular person in school, and out of that period of my life I'd say only 2 people survive in terms of friendships. Others I see now and again and chat or others I see and walk past. For someone who was popular only 2 people to survive is that good or bad? I don't really know, as it's now as long out of school as it was in it, I'd say I've done well to at least retain some people from that era.

To use the terms friends though is tough. I've a high regard for what friends are all about. Friends are people that you can trust, someone you know will help you, as much as you'll help them. You'll do things for them that you'd only do for perhaps yourself or family. Friends are the ultimate people, I have always stated that I had a ladder effect in my mind as to the categories of relationships. At the bottom of the ladder were aquaintences (sp?), these people are those that I know, bump into via work or just social life, acknowledge and perhaps talk too. I've got loads of these type of people. Around half way up the ladder are my mates, they are the people that I'll talk too on a regular basis, perhaps even go out with them. Again I've a few of these. Way up at the top of the ladder are my friends, I use the plural here, as right now I'd say I've got one or two in this select group.

I shouldn't categorise like I do, but it's something that I've done since I was in school, and it's made it hard for me to stop using that imaginary ladder. I don't want to lose it to be honest, but what I do need to do, is readjust the picture. You see the thing was to move from the bottom to the middle was easy, simple, it took perhaps 10 minutes or so of real time to move up the ladder. Then between half way and the top was a door, almost a trap door, and to open that to break through into the friends area was almost impossible. I know some people have been bashing at the door for years without being let in. Why would I do such a thing??

Well as I said previously friends are the kind of people who you can trust, no matter what. Some of the people I'm talking about, I can't trust for what ever reason, it's not belittling them, it's just me being me I guess. Friendships are earnt, and they've not done anything to earn it, but on the flip side, they've done nothing wrong in many cases. It's really hard to describe in words the way my head works on this issue. I think what escalated this feeling was the working environment that I used to work in. At the schools I've worked at I trusted people and they let me down badly, they hurt me and that just added weight onto the trap door. Add this too all my personal issues that I had, and it makes it even harder for me to allow people in, I almost became trapped within myself.

Things change though, and somethings are better than others. I wouldn't say the ladder has been gotten rid of, far from it. I think now though, there isn't a weight on the trap door. I'm letting people in and out quite quickly. What makes that any different? Well this time, I'm aware that my own paranoia's have interfered with too many friendships or perceived friendships and has led to me losing touch or pushing people away. I don't like that, it always ends up with me blaming myself and that leads to depression and malaise. I don't need those in my life right now, I'm on the whole more positive with life, it's worth working at, but I am aware of a few issues surrounding myself that makes me sink back to the dark side.

Working at Barnardo's has also helped me move the door to a opne position. I know that earlier this year I questioned this, and I still do have my reservations, but that's always going to be the case no matter where I work. My co-workers have welcomed me into the fold, which wasn't hard for them or myself as I knew them all, but it's as if I'd never worked any where else at times. The trust issue I guess has altered also. I've been burnt by previous colleagues, so I'm more aware that ulitimate trust is something which has to be built up, and that although I trust them 90%, that extra 10% is something to which has to be earned. It's an imaginary thing from me, but it's something which helps me operate. I'm smiling again and the big thing is that I'm no longer feeling like I shouldn't contribute in meetings. That's always a good sign for myself, as it shows my trust of them is getting better, I'm feeling more a part of them rather than just being there.

To get back to friendships, the door is open, but the weights are just scattered around the entrance in case another attack occurs and I have to shut the door again. Whilst the door is open, I think I'll redecorate the room, as it's not been done for a while. I know that my best friend Lisa, is getting a bit tired of the colours. With Lisa mentioned, may I just point this out right now, and I'm going to spell it out in capitals....

LISA IS THE GREATEST FRIEND ANYONE IN THE WORLD COULD WISH FOR.....

there it's done. If this were a true discussion I'd debate that statement, but it isn't a debatable subject as far as I'm concerned. The amount of times Lisa has helped me out is beyond the call of duty, she's been the shoulder to cry on for all my life. I'm sure we'll be there for both of us till we both leave this life.

Point here leading to the ladder and the friendship area. Having known Lisa for so long and been such good friends with her since before we went to school even, I compare anyone at the trap door to her. It's unfair to do so really, as no one can compare to her, not in my books. So perhaps I've got to learn to treat people as themselves, instead of using something rather special as the guide to friendship.