Thursday, March 31, 2011

Grim times ahead

Well I doubted that I'd have the internet back at home today and my doubts were proven right. However, that isn't a big issue, it's money again or lack of it. No matter how hard one tries to save, it never happens. Even with me recording and budgeting it's getting beyond a joke now. I'm looking at having next to nothing left by this time next week with still a week left before my next payment. I can't carry on like this, I'm too stressed by it. I've no standard of living at all, it's not even an existance. My diet consists of purchasing the cheapest soups, pasta and baked beans with cheap potatoes, burgers and oven chips. 7 out of every 14 days is soup and pasta, and the others are baked spuds and beans with chips and burger the other. I know I should be grateful for that compared to some places in the world, but after 6 months of the same thing I'm tired, and I know my health isn't good. The only advantage of it, I guess is the continual weight loss. However, with the money situation as it is, I'm having to consider if I can even afford to go the next Trec meeting as well as the following swimming session and they are after all my only social activities every month. I know that I've a couple of concerts I'm due to go to, but at this rate I may have to sell my Manchester ticket to survive and ask my friend if someone else can go with her, to the other concert as I'm not even sure I'll be able to afford the train fare to the concert now. This isn't good at all, and whilst trying to patch things together this morning in terms of how much money I had or would have after paying off bills, buying food and doing my laundry, I realised that I had to get some anti-depressants, other wise I'd end up doing some serious damage to myself in the next two weeks. I only hope I can survive.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Top of the land

This again is going to be a speedy post, I'm not sure why today I'm feeling a bit happier than of late? Perhaps I'm just feeling a bit positive about myself, what ever it is, I'm happy, I'm good and whilst in this mood I'm going to enjoy myself. It isn't often that I get this feeling and my self confidence is bouyed as well. So hey I could shout I'm on top of the world, but no that isn't true, what is true, I'm on top of my own private land and after everything that I've been through of late I'm pleased to announce that today. I'd rather be on top of the world, but that's going to take a lot longer, everything that I've stated in this blog before hand will have to happen to make me make that bold statement, but this is a small step in the right direction. I'm not even sure as to how I've got to here, I think it was more by accident to be honest, and that being deciding it was time to change how I'd had my hair for a week or two. It wasn't even a cut or a colouring, just a different style (well almost, just reversed the one I had and for some reason it worked magic on me.), not that it will last, but hey ho one can try and hope can't we?? The need for speed has gone, I only had about 5 minutes left of time here at the library and while I thought that would be enough I have got another 45 minutes as I've got nothing more to do today, nor can I do much more with approimately £3.45 to my name till tomorrow. So I'll stop in here and type this out, and then go do some other bits and bobs in and around the net. I'm hoping that this time tomorrow my internet service might be back online at home, though I'm not holding much hope out, and won't be too down or shocked if it isn't after I've made a payment. However if it is, I'll possibly end up tweaking a few things in terms of how it looks etc. I can type a post here in the library, but I can't see the post once it's published so apart from the very small screen on my phone (as I'd lost my phone last December, which would have been easier to use in terms of the net than the one I've got right now, not that I'm not grateful for having a phone full stop.).

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Fingers crossed

It's been a couple of days since I wrote anything, mainly due to the fact that the library is closed on a Sunday and yesterday apart from coming in early to look for jobs and pick up emails, I had things to do, i.e. my presentation in Leigh to do. So I only came down in the morning for 45 minutes and then I left. So the presentation went OK from my perspective, however as some of the students arrived late, it left me rushing some what through the presentation, but I got through it all giving all the information that I was required to do so. I'm sure that it could have gone a bit better, but till I get a full set of feeback sheets from the students next week, I don't know how they fully feel about it. Still I'm calm and feeling fine about it. Life could be better of course, still I'm not going to complain to much, I've felt worse recently, but I've felt better obviously. That's life I guess. So this week brings it's own unique variety of ups and downs I guess and I'm sure that over the next few days I'll post stuff that is very odd, very silly and down rather dull perhaps. I'm hoping that I may find my internet connection at home by the end of the week, however I can't say for sure, but that would be a bonus I guess. Still I've got the library to use if I haven't. I'll depart on that note with fingers crossed.

Friday, March 25, 2011


So I sit here writing another post, and my emotions are running around like Usain Bolt on speed. It only takes about 10 or 15 minutes to walk from my flat to here, and during that time I went from down, to happy to angry and then frustrated. All of them very real, all of them felt by myself.

I left the flat, knowing the post hadn't been, and as I left the building itself the postman was on the other side of the road. I am resigned to not even getting an interview for the posts that I had applied for the other week, the ones I really had wanted, but as with other things when the cold hard reality of it all hits, it hurts. The hopes and aspirations of even getting an interview blown away in an instant. So with a heavy heart I walked up the road, despondant and formulating this entry in my head. I continued my ever slowing walk till I left my road, crossed over and turned towards Eccles.

That was when a broad smile errupted upon my face. What could change my mood from such negativity? Well it was simple, something so simple and yet so effective. Someone was either moving out of there house or moving in, they had a big removal truck stuck outside of the house. Either way it was the truck that made me smile, the name of the company "Mr Shifter Removals", a very simple name harking back to the the wonderful PG Tips adverts of yesteryear. Yes, they weren't very PC in the way they used the chimp's, but they were funny in the day and the Mr Shifter one always makes me laugh even today. So my mood was enlightened some what as I journeyed to the library.

At the end of that road though were some road works, they are doing major rebuilding to a railway bridge and additional support to the road bridge at the same time. All in all, 20 weeks of work, which isn't too bad I guess, though it is a major road in and out of Eccles. Still they've been some what busy this past week. However the thing that annoyed me was that after putting up wooden boards against the railings over the motorway, they felt the need to employ 2 people to paint them! Why? I mean we can all see them, we all know why they are there, it's not as if during the next 20 weeks, the people walking across the bridge will notice them. In a time where money is tight, it smacks of a waste of money and time in many ways.

Once the anger had wore away, I got to thinking about how in such a short space of time, I'd had such mixed emotions and the frustration that I seemingly am not getting any further along in my hunt for a new job, that any hope in that area seems to be slipping away, and after an encounter I had last night reintroduced me to my past, I felt so frustrated by everything once more. Life can suck at times.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

The strange maze that is my mind

It's another entry into the blog sphere that is my mind and my moods. Perhaps the weather is having an effect on me, as my mood does seem to be a bit brighter of late, though I perhaps, it's more a case of me having hit rock bottom and I'm on the climb back to relative calmness.

So I sit hear listening to a 6 music show from last Sunday which I missed, but am very happy listening to it now, I only wish I'd remembered to start listening earlier in the session at the library today as I wouldn't have had to stay just so long in the library, but hey it's all good I guess and it keeps me busy and out of the flat for some time. Still no news on the job front for me, so I doubt it will come to anything this time which is unfortunate. So I've got a raft of other jobs to look and apply for, this past week hasn't been a very good week for jobs, but hey that's the way the cookie crumbles.

I guess that as time goes on, and my mood lightens I've got to set goals to attempt not to reach the bottom again, but as I crash so often and have so many coping mechanisms, as mentioned previously I've got sit down and examine the reasons why, and see if I can change the whole situation. That isn't a simple thing, and even if the circumstances were to change and everything that I've said I would want to prevent this sort of thing happening again, I seriouosly doubt it's not going to happen again. I've said it many a time, that happiness is a drug, probably the most powerful drug known to the human race. Once tried, we all look to have some more, but unlike other drugs around in the world, true happiness isn't available from a shop, it isn't bought on a street corner from some dealer, it's something that comes naturally I guess and in many forms.

What is it though that drives me to search for happiness, what is it that comprises of happiness for myself? I have said many things over the past couple of weeks in here that I think are right, and while some may be so, others may not be, I really don't know. I look back on my life for those moments when I've really been happy, and what has taken place before those moments to establish them. It's crazy isn't it that I'm questioning things all over again when I'm proclaiming to be rather happier than before. It's a conundrum isn't it and I'm puzzled by it all, it's strange and as it's my mind then perhaps perfectly natural to be strange.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Audio recordings

And so the nightmare that would have been has been done and dusted, it's over with and it wasn't too bad at all. I've been into the radio studio this morning and done some recording. I've not heard it back yet, but when I get home in a bit and get a chance I'm going to listen to some of it, and edit it up so it sounds fine before adding it to the powerpoint presentation that I've built up over the past 12 months. It's only a crazy idea that I came up with over the weekend, but if it works then I'll be very happy and get more brownie points off those to whom I'm giving a presentation too next Monday.

So what else? Well I've also bought myself a book to read, which sounds nothing like major news, it isn't, but as the book in the library still hasn't arrived and it's having to be re-ordered due to the error they have made with the previous order I've got nothing to read right now, or should I say I've nothing to pick up and read, I've got a book at home on hockey, but with the book I've got to read, the one from the library and one to be released in the next few weeks, I've got plenty of reading to get through before I get onto the hockey book.

Still no news on the job front, which is disheartening, but hey as I said yesterday, I don't expect to hear anything, but it does effect me. So I'll keep my fingers crossed on one hand as two sets of fingers crossed is bad luck. This blog post is becoming a bit of a pain, not in writing as I'm finding things to write quite easily even if it's a bit more positive than of late. What I'm grinding my teeth about is my lack of spelling today, which is meaning near enough every other word or so is being spelt wrong, and that's annoying. It's more a matter of finger and thumbs mind you as I'm flinging my fingers in the right direction, but hitting all the wrong keys if you know what I mean, if I slowed down I'd be fine, but I'm just wanting to keep at a fast pace today for some reason.

Still the faster I type the more that goes down, and so back to myself. I don't feel as gloomy as I could be though things aren't great and during the recording session in the studio I delved in some of my darker issues. I guess it was just good to explore them that way rather than typing today. That's also a reason as to why this could be brighter than most of my entries, however, like the weather I'm a bit sunnier today, may not be hot to trot, but it's brighter than the storm clouds of last week.

Wow mix and match metaphors my dear, I really shouldn't do that, but for a change I don't care, I don't care how this entry sounds or looks like (well I do actually, as I'll colour the text and change the fonts around when I've finished), so let's just see where this all finishes.

Just going back to the recordings I've made, when I'm back online at home, I'll explore if I can post some of what I've recorded onto this site and see how it goes. That would be nice. I think also that if I were to go back into the studio I'd like to take my powerpoint presentation and record the script for that, so that I have some sort of marker for myself as such. I know what I say in that, and the approximate time I take, however it's never the same and I could do with a marker script as such to run along with in the future, however that's in the future, let's get the latest presentation of the powerpoint done and dusted first. That's this coming Monday and so I'm hoping things go OK with that.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


Arrgghh, just when you think it's safe to enter the world once more it comes up, it's bites your leg, it's arm and god knows what ever else. I thought I was improving, I thought things were settling down, but how wrong was I?

Don't panic, things aren't as bad as they seem, however, coming down to the library, I had time to contemplate things and things weren't that great, and so with some melancholy, I entered the library and things just continue to hit me. I reserved a book yesterday, I checked to see if it had arrived the system is saying it's awaiting collection, but it can't be found in the library, it's a mystery. OK, it's not earth shattering, but it's an omen, things are going to continue to go wrong for me.

I am a very unlucky person, I have always been so, but at times I curse the bad luck I have it's unreal the amount of times that I've ended up feeling let down. I built my hopes up for a couple of jobs I applied for, I really wanted either of them, it would have been a complete departure from what I have done previously, but I was prepared for that, and fancied them. I have till Friday to hear if I've even got an interview, but as each day passes I fear the worse and whilst I know that I've probably been over looked, due to many factors, and being sensible about it, I shouldn't have built my hopes up, but I can't help the feeling of desperation and disapointment that I will do when I don't hear anything back by Friday.

Perhaps I've smashed too many mirrors over the years, but I can't recall smashing one, let alone enough to have lasted me this far into my life. This isn't good, the further I am writing today, the more depressive I'm becoming and I don't want that, I want to remain fairly positive. Oh well so let's cut this one short hey??

Monday, March 21, 2011

The Power.

It's strange what a week can do to someone. I sit here writing this post, knowing that the power and the fury that raged within last week has disipated from me, I'm still lonely, I'm still down and miserable, but I'm not letting it take me to the depths it was last week.

Has writing helped? Perhaps? Has knowing people have been supportive helped? Perhaps? Have I done anything to help myself? Perhaps? I don't know what the key to it all is, all I do know is that I'm no longer on the edge of things, I'm very much calmer and yet things haven't changed one bit, I'm still broke, I've still got no job, I've still got very few friends, but I'm no longer seeing the darkness.

What ever has happened, has been good, I'm obviously in a much better mental position, and maybe by Wednesday afternoon, I may be even better, but I'm going to do something other than write, I'm going to talk about it. I hope I find that as easy as writing perhaps. Still we wait and see, but it's been good to let the emotions go, but lets wait till we get past that to see. So this week offers, little or no different to the last, just applying for jobs and coming to the library. Let's see if anything changes and I get an interview, lets see if I can get a change of luck. Oh that thing called luck, the one thing that my life has never had.

Oh and I'm being told my sister wants me to contact her, well that's strange considering how much she's gone out of her way to avoid me, to ignore me. Well it's not for me to do that it's for her.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

So it's Saturday, I've met a friend who I hadn't seen for a while, and chatted before coming into the library, but that's all I've done so far today. I was due to come in here a lot sooner and I don't know how long I've got to write, as I'm not sure how long till this place shuts down. I've got two kids on the pc opposite me, and from the rather loud conversation they are having they are playing a version of "track and field" on the pc. It's actually quite funny as one of the kids has had to ask if the person at the "real Olympics", actually fires a gun like that in real life.

How am I today, well I'm chipper, but not as chippy as I should be, but then is that not a surprise. I've got some things planned which will help me over the next few days. I'm hoping that by opening up that I'll be able to get rid of some of the tension that is building up inside of me. The one thing that I have to say is that something was said to me last night by a friend, who whilst trying to help did quite the opposite, it didn't help it was the wrong thing to say to me due to the nature of the issues that I'm currently dealing with.

I am facing my issues, and trying to address them, the loneliness one is the hardest one to deal with, as well as being to proud for my own good. I even realise that should I be lucky to be offered a job soon, I'll have to get myself into a good place to start, as it wouldn't make the best impression for me to be starting in one of my darker moods. I know some of my former managers would be able to tell me from my appearance what sort of mood I'm in, which is a bit of a shocker, but hey that's life.

Anyway, I'm not going to waffle on too much, I'm going to have to decide what to do from here today. Apart from going home and possibly watching a video, as I've started to re-watch the series "Lost Girl", it's the second time round for watching this show, even though it's only recently finished. However on second viewing I'm spotting things that I sort of missed the first time round, and that's good. What wasn't good though was missing the ending of the first episode last night as I fell asleep, it wasn't late, but I was just a bit tired. It's a shame that on a Friday night I'm in bed by 9pm, bored off my head. OK so last night I watched a Billy Connelly dvd, and then the first episode of Lost Girl, well most of it anyway. Still it's eating up time and keeping me sort of entertained. Tomorrow I may well go for a walk, a nice long walk perhaps, though that's if I can be seriously bothered.

Friday, March 18, 2011

So having changed the style of this blog, I can now start to post. So where am I today? Apart from being in the library (of course! No chance of being at home, well not for at least another 2 weeks I'd say), I'm a bit less emotional today, a bit brighter for a change, but suffering from a headache. I've no reason for that, and the woman next to me isn't helping with constant sniffles, sighs and stuff, all at a noise level that's louder than anything I've heard in a few years. Still it looks like she's gone now, and perhaps I can have a little peace and quiet.

Maybe I'm being rather nasty by saying that above, but it was just situational, I've started a new project at home, to fill in some time that I've got, this is project Queen, much similar to the earlier project James, that was completed just before Xmas of last year. I've got quite a bit more work on this project, though it isn't all bad. I've got roughly a 16th of it done today, just another 15 or so more to go. It's about time I started this project, but to find the motivation after finishing the James project was near enough non-existent.

I guess that's a good sign, that I'm becoming motivated to do things, I've sent emails to people that I'd been putting off or forgetting about today, I've been sorting other things out as well. This is a good thing, it's keeping me active and away from my issues. (oh no the woman is back, but she's no idea on how to use a photocopier now, which is oh so easy.). However by not looking at the problems that will only keep them at bay for so long, I've got to address them at some point or other. If I don't then I'll just find myself here again at some point.

I'm sorry that I can't continue, the yaking and distractions are stopping my train of thought, I'm going to have to leave this for now.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

New Look

I've decided to change the look of this blog, it's been the same near enough since I started it, and now it's time for a change. I hope you all like the brighter schemes, and I certainly hope you all can read it. If there is a problem with the colours and fonts let me know and I will change things around again to make it easier.
It's never easy to write a post for this, not when I'm surrounded by people, but hey who really cares, no one is really watching me, it's only my own opinion that someon will be reading this and if I'm bothered about someone reading this over my shoulder, why should I post what I write??

So what of today? Well it's nearly 2pm, I've probably done enough today as it is without doing much more. However, I've not got a lot else on the agenda other than be here and then go home and do nothing. I guess when I do get home I'll write one or two job applications out to be sent tomorrow, but that's about it. By the time they are complete it will be time to eat and then I've got to decide if what I want to watch from my video collection. Last night I couldn't find much I wanted to watch, I'm almost scared of starting watching a series from scratch for some reason. I guess I don't want to become attached to it and don't want to put any emotion behind it, being as fragile as I am.

I am fragile, very much so. Today has been tough, I just want to break down and cry at every opportunity, I'm not allowing myself to do that, I'm tougher than that, but it's interesting to be like this. I wouldn't really mind, but I have very little idea as to why I'm like this today. I should be happy, I've been paid today and thus I'm solvent for the next week or so. I do need to get a job soon, to help cheer me up some what. I should thank my best friend Lisa, for the phone call last night it helped so much just to chat to some one rather than typing out the message. Anyway, that's me for today I'm going to keep it shorter than of late, as my creative writing jucies are nt sparkling at this moment in time.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Hey ho.... more sense today.

So I've a little time today and a little less distraction to write this post, I guess after yesterday when I felt a bit better, the crash has taken place, I'm back amongst the fringes of the dark. However, I'm more focussed, I'm not as rooted in it, but I'm there.

It's really difficult to provide an answer to everything, I shouldn't be looking to find one really, as knowing the answer would only lead to further problems. Life isn't supposed to be perfect, I'm well aware of that, if it was perfect what would the point of it all be anyway? No the issue is trying not to let things get in my way. I know that this isn't always that easy and I'm rubbish at trying to look away, however I do try.

I guess the problem is whilst sorting one or two issues out in my life, and then wading through the mess of them, that I've taken the eyes off other problems. I've had to curtail my social life, which has meant pulling away from one support group, because I can't afford to go to it, and that hasn't helped one bit either. So trying to sort out the money aspect of life has led to other problems, i.e. the loneliness. Which when I've examined it, has been compounded by other issues along the way. Of course being able to see that is a good thing, but being able to prevent it taking place would be better, and how would I do that? Well a job perhaps? Yes, that would help, but having had a job previously I didn't feel the need to attend support groups, I thought I was out of that arena, but obviously not, but then the groups I've been too I've enjoyed so I would more than likely remain with them. So what is the answer? Who knows? It really is a quandry, and one that I constantly battle.

A light bulb moment has just taken place and some serious introspection is about to take place. I have just realised that I some how always seem to find an anchor to my problems and circle everything back to it. It seems that after one was replaced another, has appeared. I know plently of people, but now here lies the question, a friendship is a two way issue, and means communication between people, be it mail, talking over the phone or face to face, going places and meeting up etc. Now I know that money is tight for me and I can't do much, but the sheer lack of communication, and lack of seeing people is an issue. I feel and this is how I see things, so if others wish to tear me apart or fall out with me, fair enough, but I make an effort to talk to people, I'll write, I'll phone and in the past have gone to see people, but when that isn't recipricated I do get slightly concerned, is the friendship one sided, do I see too much in the friendship? Why have I only ever had 4 friends ever come to see me at my flat? That's not to bad considering I've been in that flat now coming up for 8 or 9 years. My maths is OK, so a friend pops around to my place once every 2 years or so. Phone calls are almost as rare, it says something when the person to have rang me the most over the past 12 months is my aunt from Canada. This is why I get lonely, this is why I feel I impose on others, it's based on the facts I can see, it isn't some mashed up logic.

Maybe it's the cabin fever striking, when you consider my flat is one room, about 3 yards by 2. I can just about swing an ant around in it. I'm stuck in it for so long with nothing but my PC. I must be stronger than I think to have lasted so long. Still hey ho..........

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


So here we are, lunch time on a Tuesday, sat in the library about to set about a post on this blog again. Listening to Just A Minute from last night, with a smile on my face, it's amazing how a simple concept can create a beautiful quiz show.

That though isn't where this entry is about to go, I fear I have to explain myself to the world or to those that have been reading this blog recently. Over the years I've seen councilors, I've seen psychiatrist's and they've all helped me in terms of problems I had, and how to deal with others that may arrive over time. I've got lots of coping stratagies, on how to help myself in times of need. I've recently been going through a bad time, a dark time in which I've been searching through all of them to help myself cheer up. Most of them haven't seemingly worked to help me and whilst I'm feeling slightly better today, I'm not sure if it's just a slight bump or the start of the recovery.

However, I just want to talk about what I have written recently here. I've said I wanted to divorce life. I don't want to die right now, I'm quite happy living, I don't fear death as we are all going to die at some point so why fear something that is going to happen? What I do want to alter the way things are and why they keep returning to the same issues, I don't want to keep trying to impose myself on others in an attempt to be a friend, to stop my loneliness. This is how I see myself, I am a social animal and like to mix with others, but of course my social life is non existant, so I've got to try and create one. Yet, there are few friends close by, there are few people close by to even contact. To a point talking on facebook, on any variety of internet chat programmes, is fine, but it isn't exactly talking face to face, or over the phone where one can hear the expression in the voice.

So if I have to change my life to achieve this then so be it, I want the old one to go, to depart, I want to divorce it from myself and get a new one.

As for trying to cope over the past few days with my moods, I talked about the bridge, and whilst to many that may sound as if I wanted to kill myself then I need to point out that it isn't. I said before that I'm happy to live and I am. The bridge is a challenge to myself, it would be easy to throw myself off the but for me it's the looking into the abyss that helps, I find that it helps train my thoughts on the issues that is causing my problems. It always helps, it may scare others, and I know from experience that is the case. I should say sorry to those that it has, but this is for myself, this is my coping strategy and if it works woo hoo. However, it didn't this time and so I'm still searching for the way forward for myself.

So it's near the end of the entry, I've probably waffled on more than ever before, I've gone through the whole episode of Just A Minute and had to contain my laughter at an excellent episode, which has distracted me some what, but hey that's the way it is. I'm happy with this waffle today and if others aren't the boo hoo. I wasn't going to write too much on any one entry at the library for fear of others reading what I was typing at that one moment, but hey ho. I've done it now and I've got to decide on the technical aspects of it now, like colours and title.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Dark Times

It's not the greatest day, I'm struggling to maintain even a modicum of a cheerful personna to the world. It's increasingly difficult, I'm alone, I feel rejected by the world and nothing seems to be getting any closer to completion. I hate the way my life has gone so far. I want a new one, I want a new life, I'm looking at divorcing the current one to find a new one, but how one does that I don't know.

I even ventured to the motorway bridge again last night, I made sure it wasn't the same one as the last time when I was nearly sectioned, and I was also very aware that at 11pm, it would be highly unlikely that I would cause as much panic. However it did help a bit, and I felt a bit better for it, once at home. That though isn't the answer to my problems, and what would it achieve? I only know when things are going to go right for me, when I can say something positive in here.

Oh well only a short post, it's not easy typing these sort of things in the library.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Old Favourites return

This isn't going to be some great post, I didn't have any intention to write, but here we go. I'm feeling OK, looking for work and trying to keep cheerful, however I'm finding things a little bit tough if I'm honest. I guess it's something to do with being alone again.

Yes, it's that thing again, but I guess it's hit this time due to circumstances beyond my control to be fair. I could not imagine things taking place that have done, though I should have expected them to happen as we all know that I'm not exactly the luckiest person around, but for a change I wasn't expecting things to go as badly as they did. To say badly isn't the right thing to be fair, it was more unfortunate, though of course with my way of thinking on these things then it was always going to be a disaster.

Anyway not to worry, perhaps this weekend will make things better, who knows. I'm off out into Manchester during the day for a group that I attend, and that should at least take away some of the loneliness. Yes, it's only monthly but it does help. I also know that perhaps watching too many tv shows or films which are centred on or have a central relationship strand too them hassn't helped, but hey I'll sort myself out and ground myself again.

Anyway, got to run time is running out here. I'm at the library, as I've had my internet service suspended at home and I can't stay in the library all day. So I'll be gone soon and back to the confines of my flat. I'll have to post some more now I know I can do via the library.