Tuesday, March 15, 2011


So here we are, lunch time on a Tuesday, sat in the library about to set about a post on this blog again. Listening to Just A Minute from last night, with a smile on my face, it's amazing how a simple concept can create a beautiful quiz show.

That though isn't where this entry is about to go, I fear I have to explain myself to the world or to those that have been reading this blog recently. Over the years I've seen councilors, I've seen psychiatrist's and they've all helped me in terms of problems I had, and how to deal with others that may arrive over time. I've got lots of coping stratagies, on how to help myself in times of need. I've recently been going through a bad time, a dark time in which I've been searching through all of them to help myself cheer up. Most of them haven't seemingly worked to help me and whilst I'm feeling slightly better today, I'm not sure if it's just a slight bump or the start of the recovery.

However, I just want to talk about what I have written recently here. I've said I wanted to divorce life. I don't want to die right now, I'm quite happy living, I don't fear death as we are all going to die at some point so why fear something that is going to happen? What I do want to alter the way things are and why they keep returning to the same issues, I don't want to keep trying to impose myself on others in an attempt to be a friend, to stop my loneliness. This is how I see myself, I am a social animal and like to mix with others, but of course my social life is non existant, so I've got to try and create one. Yet, there are few friends close by, there are few people close by to even contact. To a point talking on facebook, on any variety of internet chat programmes, is fine, but it isn't exactly talking face to face, or over the phone where one can hear the expression in the voice.

So if I have to change my life to achieve this then so be it, I want the old one to go, to depart, I want to divorce it from myself and get a new one.

As for trying to cope over the past few days with my moods, I talked about the bridge, and whilst to many that may sound as if I wanted to kill myself then I need to point out that it isn't. I said before that I'm happy to live and I am. The bridge is a challenge to myself, it would be easy to throw myself off the but for me it's the looking into the abyss that helps, I find that it helps train my thoughts on the issues that is causing my problems. It always helps, it may scare others, and I know from experience that is the case. I should say sorry to those that it has, but this is for myself, this is my coping strategy and if it works woo hoo. However, it didn't this time and so I'm still searching for the way forward for myself.

So it's near the end of the entry, I've probably waffled on more than ever before, I've gone through the whole episode of Just A Minute and had to contain my laughter at an excellent episode, which has distracted me some what, but hey that's the way it is. I'm happy with this waffle today and if others aren't the boo hoo. I wasn't going to write too much on any one entry at the library for fear of others reading what I was typing at that one moment, but hey ho. I've done it now and I've got to decide on the technical aspects of it now, like colours and title.

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