Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Hey ho.... more sense today.

So I've a little time today and a little less distraction to write this post, I guess after yesterday when I felt a bit better, the crash has taken place, I'm back amongst the fringes of the dark. However, I'm more focussed, I'm not as rooted in it, but I'm there.

It's really difficult to provide an answer to everything, I shouldn't be looking to find one really, as knowing the answer would only lead to further problems. Life isn't supposed to be perfect, I'm well aware of that, if it was perfect what would the point of it all be anyway? No the issue is trying not to let things get in my way. I know that this isn't always that easy and I'm rubbish at trying to look away, however I do try.

I guess the problem is whilst sorting one or two issues out in my life, and then wading through the mess of them, that I've taken the eyes off other problems. I've had to curtail my social life, which has meant pulling away from one support group, because I can't afford to go to it, and that hasn't helped one bit either. So trying to sort out the money aspect of life has led to other problems, i.e. the loneliness. Which when I've examined it, has been compounded by other issues along the way. Of course being able to see that is a good thing, but being able to prevent it taking place would be better, and how would I do that? Well a job perhaps? Yes, that would help, but having had a job previously I didn't feel the need to attend support groups, I thought I was out of that arena, but obviously not, but then the groups I've been too I've enjoyed so I would more than likely remain with them. So what is the answer? Who knows? It really is a quandry, and one that I constantly battle.

A light bulb moment has just taken place and some serious introspection is about to take place. I have just realised that I some how always seem to find an anchor to my problems and circle everything back to it. It seems that after one was replaced another, has appeared. I know plently of people, but now here lies the question, a friendship is a two way issue, and means communication between people, be it mail, talking over the phone or face to face, going places and meeting up etc. Now I know that money is tight for me and I can't do much, but the sheer lack of communication, and lack of seeing people is an issue. I feel and this is how I see things, so if others wish to tear me apart or fall out with me, fair enough, but I make an effort to talk to people, I'll write, I'll phone and in the past have gone to see people, but when that isn't recipricated I do get slightly concerned, is the friendship one sided, do I see too much in the friendship? Why have I only ever had 4 friends ever come to see me at my flat? That's not to bad considering I've been in that flat now coming up for 8 or 9 years. My maths is OK, so a friend pops around to my place once every 2 years or so. Phone calls are almost as rare, it says something when the person to have rang me the most over the past 12 months is my aunt from Canada. This is why I get lonely, this is why I feel I impose on others, it's based on the facts I can see, it isn't some mashed up logic.

Maybe it's the cabin fever striking, when you consider my flat is one room, about 3 yards by 2. I can just about swing an ant around in it. I'm stuck in it for so long with nothing but my PC. I must be stronger than I think to have lasted so long. Still hey ho..........

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