I'm back, in a way better position than I was when I last posted in this blog. My mood is far better than it was and I'm on an even keel as you would say. I've spent the last few months with a councelor which was very odd over the net, but it helped in that I had to explore myself far deeper than I perhaps would have done under normal circumstances.
Seeng an councelor online was different as I guess not having the personal interation and allowing your body language to be interpreted and so you could be saying something that you perhaps not being 100% honest about. As I said above I did find myself looking into things far more than I have at previous sessions though. So in that sense it was fantastic and helpful, but it just didn't feel right and perhaps not as deep as it may have been.
So I'm back in work in the new team, it's still very new, still very fresh and still in my own entry period and I've yet to really say if I'll actually stay. Others with whom I've worked with who have recently left are trying to encourage me to look for posts elsewhere, but I don't know if I'm ready for that step yet. I know it could be asked of me if I'll ever be ready for that, but I'm giving this new team a chance to make work enjoyable again. Whilst I'm in a better position than I was, that's not to say that my beleif in my abilities have returned, I still don't think I'm very good at my job and so my confidence in me actually getting a new job is low and I don't want to disturb my recovery. I need to be positive to myself and going for jobs which I know I wouldn't get would only lead me to affirming that I'm not good enough and would lead to a new spiral and I can't afford that right now.
Other news is that finally my landlord is about to redecorate my flat, and so tomorrow I move out which I'm looking forward to. It does however mean that I won't have the internet at home for a while, but I've built myself a retro games computer as well as downloading more emulators for my pc, so I can play games at home instead of watching TV or being online. I'll also be taking my books to read so hopefully I'll get through one of my books that I've got ready to read after this.
