Thursday, July 26, 2007

Virural Alphabet Soup

It's Thursday and hey I'm a little better than I was, though not well enough to go to work. It's not that I couldn't, I could, but I'm tired and grumpy and wouldn't be of use to anyone right now. I need to rest, need to clear myself of this infernal cold. It's on the wane, but that's not sufficient for me to go to work. I feel for everyone who is in work having to cover, but at some point this year I've covered for them, so it's about time they reciprocated this.

Wow this cold has heightened my vocabulary again and some of the above wouldn't have been used recently. So this has helped me, but in an odd way. Could it be a vocabulary cold bug I've got? Who knows which strain of this virus I have, but it's unleashed a broader vocabulary than of late. I'm not attempting to slight oneself and say I wouldn't use such words, but of late I've been lazy and thus my blogs have been full of ordinary words or even colloquial slang.

As an front to all of this, I've become a bit of an animal lover as well. OK, so it isn't much, but after my dad died, we filled in the pond in the back garden, which was his pride and joy. When we did so, we gave away the fish he had, and lost the wildlife that goes with garden ponds. However we did notice for a year or two the frogs returning to spawn, and that didn't look too nice to be honest. Now this Monday as I cut the lawn, I noticed that we had mini frogs where the pond was. Since then I've made sure that they are still around, it's the least I can do. I want to take the perfect picture of them, the one of them hopping, and either in mid air or landing would be great. For this my camera on my phone is perfect, but I will need my nieces assistance. As she's come home early from her holidays due to the poor weather, I'll get my chance soon. So frogs are a little favourite of mine right now. Hey even big frogs are nice, though I've not been tempted to kiss them yet, to see if I can find my price charming.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007


I hate feeling unwell, be it toothache, be it a sports injury or similar, but the one thing I hate most of all is a cold. It's not the lethargy or anything like that which I hate, it's the bunged up nose, and sore throat. Right now, I'm suffering and it's making me feel down. Not down to make me feel miserable for a constant period, just down on me right now.

I blame my niece and myself for this, but it's still no compensation to me right now, to understand how I am feeling. However I'm aware in the back of my mind that others are going through a lot worse and my thoughts go out to a friend off one of the message boards I post on. She's going into hospital today for a serious operation and my well wishes and thoughts are with her right now. My cold is so insignificant in comparison that I shouldn't even be talking about it, but hey if I didn't I wouldn't be writing this.

So what of the past few days? Well I've read the new Harry Potter book, I've been in work and watched United play football. Apart from that not a lot else. I spent the weekend reading and that was such a welcome break. I should do it more often, but it's finding books that really interest me. I should start reading more Star Wars books, but it's where to keep them that bothers me right now. If not them, then my favourite other reading is biographies, and then it has to be someone that interests me. So for some reason I limit myself, I should open my mind to other area's I guess, but that's difficult, as I often can't get into books and thus they sit around gathering dust. I have a couple of books in mind that I wouldn't mind reading so I may pop to the library and see if they have them in and if not order them.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Middle for diddle

If I'm honest the last couple of days, I've been quite dry in ideas as to where I can go with an entry in here. It's quite difficult when I've got nothing to say at times. Today is a prime example, I'm only writing this, as I know that if I don't write in here, it may end up like a week without and entry and then I start by saying sorry, which is always silly to be honest.

Though emotions have run high over the past couple of days, It's been difficult to equate that to words for an entry here. Now that's unusual for me to say that, as I tend to find words to fit most situations no matter what, but this week has been different. I wonder is that a positive thing or not? Am I in such a good place in my life that I am losing the creative aspect of me? Am I now at a point where I'm not happy and not depressed? That would sort of answer the lack of emotions for writing I guess.

So what else? Well it looks like there is going to even more rain over the next week or so, with talk of more floods over here. A while back I did say I enjoyed the rain, but this is now gettting silly. Still if it gets the waters level up all over the country then so be it, we've needed this rain for a few years now anyway. It may also keep the Southerners off our water up here in the North. They've at times had to use OUR water as there's was so low. So this excessive rain fall can go to them for all I care. It's a fine time to go camping though isn't it? Well I'm not going myself, but my sister, brother in law and niece are all off on a weeks camping trip. Here's wishing you at least 1 days sunshine.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007


It's Tuesday again! and I approach this afternoon with some trepidation, as I've got to go back to school and approach those involved in last weeks problems. It's not that I'm strong enough to make complaints, it about me not being able to face to face with these people. I'm strong in some area's but not that one, I'm glad that I'll have Lisa around me for what will be the last time in this academic year I'll visit the school.

Why am I so scared? I don't really know, it's not as if I've ever done wrong, it's an odd feeling to be honest. Those involved have known me for some time, and have for various reasons taken positions of authority over me in terms of employment status, but apart from that nothing else. So why should I be so scared to face them? Maybe it stems from the fear of being disciplined at work again. Having gone through it once before I didn't want to go through it again and of course it made my life hell for such a long time that being on the verge of repeating it was an awful experience. I think I took that for longer than I really should have and it's perhaps that which causes my fears.

My meeting with my line manager yesterday didn't produce a real positive answer to this, but at least it's been recorded and from here on in, it's all about them dropping themselves into it. I do hope they do, as it would be an interesting situation to watch, though as I'd be in the middle of it, I wouldn't get to see it pan out properly. That's the sad part about it, since I like watching things like that, even before I became more active in the union.

A shorter post than normal today, a bit of time restraints and also lack of creative juices to be honest. Still let's see how the day pans out, I may end up with another post later on. I will add to the photo blog again. I've got a couple of really good photo's from yesterday to display to the world.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Is there light where there is dark normally?

I've fed the photo blog with some more photo's so it's only fair that I should post something here after nearly a week away. Now I was using this and the Myspace account as a ying and yang thing to try and see both sides to my life, but this past week I've stepped back while I have evaluated the situation that developed at school last week.

I'm no way happy with what went down, I have every right to be unhappy about it. I'm going to see my line manager at work tomorrow to discuss it, but that's another story.

As for me, well I'm feeling stretched out to be honest with regards my own strength. I've been cruising at such a good place that last week's fall was painful, it's left me feeling sensitive and rather fragile. I'm sure that if I can just get back to what I was doing prior to last week then I'll be able to jump back up to the point of being happy. However I'm not ready to jump just yet, and that's the scary thought. I know what I need to do, I know how to do it (that's new), but I just don't feel it's the right time. Why am I trying to wallow in the pity? Maybe, it's because I've gained some attention from it I don't know? I may be enjoying being down? Perhaps it's the ying and yang thing here. While I hate being down to be honest, it can have it's good points in that you learn what's important in life, after the highs, but this time it''s slightly different.

I'm unsure that the above makes sense, it's difficult for me to describe this right now, and yet I want to try. It's crazy, I want to write things down and make some sense out of it, and yet I can't. Perhaps I've already made sense of it and trying to find a darker aspect of it all is proving harder to find? Then again I may be trying to find a darker spot for myself than I can justify to myself. That's something I'd not contemplated, that I've fallen as far as I can with this and now I'm going to rise up again. Wow that's an interesting thought and probably very true. The incident at school wasn't that bad, it is the deeper aspect that has gone on for years that reared it's head and to be honest, now that I've decided to take it further that I've not wallowed in the mud of Tuesday. Now that is progress, this could be the answer and also by not posting in here or in the other blog till yesterday gave me time to get rid of all the pain quicker. Oh this is really a nice train of thought.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

School of Frustration

For a long time or what seems to be a long time things have gone well for me. I've been able to declare myself as being happy, but the events of this week, a young week at that are having a distinct effect on me.

Sunday I got accused of something I am not, by a person showing some serious signs of being very phobic towards certain type of people. Then I get into work and though that isn't too bad, it's not a very nice place to be right now. Today I went to collect some children from the school I used to work at and quite frankly got dumped on by the staff there. This isn't the first time they've done this, they are constantly having digs at me, but this time was the worse and I felt like crap really. No I shall retract some of what I just said. They don't dump on me, they are bullying me, and I'll use them words as they are very powerful words and today it's got to me.

Why though? I've been in such a good place of late, so why did I let that effect me? Well I think it's partly down to external things just breaking some of the branches in my tree, but that today was the wake up call I needed from that school. Tomorrow I intend to speak with my line manager and will use the same words that I have used here, and see where it takes me. I don't care what is said to others, but it's got to the point where I no longer care what some people at that place say. Why should I continue to take it? I left that place partly due to that sort of thing, and yet I get treated like something they've stepped in. It's not on, and has to stop.

I can't say anything positive today, it's all too much for me, what happened at the school has just wound me up so much that I can't relax and that's bad news. I need to relax, but yet nothing I do seems to help. I tried the good old bubble bath technique before, but to no avail. I'm not going to turn to drink, that's not good for me. Not when I've got some tablets to take. It's just so fecking frustrating........

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Talking to myself

After the last post and plenty of debate over if I was right or wrong to post what I did, I'm here to say that I don't know the answer. The debate took place between my councilor and myself, and then continued with myself and myself. I guess it's a matter of trying to respect that today I've learned from what I did yesterday and fully intend to use it to better myself today.

Am I losing people right now? This page has somehow become a page for my rambling theories on how best to keep sane. However, it isn't all that bad, as examples of my good mood do shine through and I do allow myself time to enjoy life. I don't just sit on my backside talking to myself for 24/7.

So what of life? Well I'm off up to Glasgow tomorrow to see James in concert for the 4th time this year. It was a spur of the moment job in many ways to decide to go but go I am and I fully intend to enjoy myself. It's not often I do something silly like this anymore, and road trips to hockey matches came to an end a long time ago. Saying that I will be passing Tebay, so yes, I will stop and feed the ducks as is tradition born out of the hockey years. I don't think I'll ever get out of that routine to be honest, and I enjoy the break from the road to be honest.

Over the next few weeks I'll have more and more time on my hands as I'm going to be working only essential hours in an attempt to reel in my time owed from working over my hours. It's not all that bad as they will be paying me at least 21 hours worth of the over time. I could and perhaps should have asked for more, but hey that's life isn't it. I've already got one or two things to say regardless of that, but that will wait for a day or two.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Reflections of the past

Yesterday I sat in my car (whilst driving of course, I'm not sad enough to sit in the car for anything else these days) and listened to The Doors. I had one of those moments which makes you stand up and take notice of things. I had forgot how much I liked The Doors, and just wanted to listen and chill out to them for the rest of the day. That was fine and though I listened to other bands during the day, nothing hit home like they had.

On reflection though, is that a bad thing? I could go on about how good the music was, how way beyond his time Jim Morrison was etc, but there is one word in those two statements. That word is WAS, The Doors and Jim Morrison are past tense, one is a dead and the other his band. Is this a description of myself? Do I spend too much time in the past? I mean I know I've put down one of my favourite sayings down in here, the one about the past defining the present etc. Yet, I do seem to look back in time alot. Is this a fault of myself?

If I think about this place for example, it's rare for me to look forward and think about enjoying anything. It's normally an apprehension or a review of something, hardly a "well I can't wait for this". Though of late, whilst in the good mood I've been in, I've improved on that, and that's significant. So is my past too dark? Should I try and place my past in the past? Is it that easy to do? I don't know, the longer I'm in the mood I'm in the easier it's becoming, but it's not certain to exist is it? My past has shown that, and it's that past which haunts me. It's a vicious circle me thinks, and though I'm trying to get out of that right now, and at this point am out of it, it's staying out of it that's the hardest part.

Onto other stuff after that reflective of myself. The weather isn't showing signs of easing up, it's still chucking it down, and the skies are granite gray. I said on Sunday we needed the rain, so I'm not going to wish for the weather to improve, others might, but from a wider perspective I'm more than happy for this to continue. It does cause problems at work, as it reduces the amount of activities that I can introduce to my clients, and this is the time of year, when we should be making use of the parks etc, however that's out of the question with the rain. I'm good enough however to be positive about this right now and that's including the dreaded group that I have on a Tuesday.

Something of note to myself is that the amount of returning people reading here isn't that high anymore. Perhaps I shouldn't in future expect that people know the background to half the stuff that I'm writing. Maybe it's because I've isolated the previous readers? I really don't know. The question is do I care? Well yes, I do care, but then on the other hand, this site is aimed at helping myself out, by being a sort of diary, to vent my anger at myself and the society that I live in. I don't want to feed that negativity upon others, and this place is great for being able to get rid of stuff. That's why at times this place can be very personal, so I guess it's a mixed viewpoint on the returning viewers.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Green Day!

I normally post on the last day of June, I normally post something about the day my dad died. I left that to my other blog space yesterday. I didn't want to go over the same ground in two places at once. However yesterday was probably the quietest and best anniversary to date, and one which will set the example of more to come.

I think those of you who have read this journal over the past couple of years or so, will know how much my dad's death effected me, how much it effected the whole family. I think it's only now, that we are getting back onto our feet, and whilst our memories will remain, our futures look good. I'm all for looking back to learn from mistakes, I've done that enough here for you all to be aware of that, so it's good to realise that as a family we are doing that as well.

So what's ahead in the next week or so? Well not a lot, I'm not away from work, I'm not going to miss any clients due to sickness I hope, it's going to be a "normal" week if there is such a thing. I'm almost looking forward to that. It's not often that I can do that, and so it's good to be able to do it. I was hoping to get to the staff conference being held for work tomorrow, but I can't so I've got to make do with what I've got and not to sulk over it. I've been and have got other conferences to look forward too and that's far better than I ever had in my previous employment at the school. I hardly ever got training which meant more than an hour or so away from my normal duties. In fact the last training I did external from school was probably the MIDAS course I did, and that was on a Saturday morning and was funded by Barnardo's.

In terms of everything else? Well, it's dry outside for now, it's been a miserable week as such in terms of the weather with plenty of rain, so much so that various places in the UK are flooded. People seem to forget that the rivers and lakes of this country are at an all time low, so for flooding to occur, we'll have had plenty of rain, it's a matter now of maintaining some of it, to clean up and reuse. Having weeks where all it does is rain was nothing unusual as a child, but today it's strange, maybe my perception as a child was different, but even so, it's true that we don't get the rainfall we used too, it's true we don't get the long cold wet winters either. Bring back the snow and ice is all I can say...... OK, so I can ask, but no one can make it alter, unless of course we can repair the damage that man has caused on the planet.