Friday, April 29, 2011


A new look to this place, I did say I would but didn't expect to go that far. However, more on that another time perhaps, I'm not at home typing this, but at a friends house, but I'm trying to be quiet.

The wedding is over, and whilst it all looked nice and went without a hitch as such, I've got to say Channel 5 in the UK had a cheesey US made for tv film documenting the happy couple's romance on this afternoon. It was so bad, that it soon became the best thing on tv all day.

I'll leave this for now, and speak soon.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Bye Bye

I can't recall when I last typed anything in here, I know it seems like a week or so since. However, this is I do hope the last entry from the library, all is set for me to be back online at home from tomorrow, and so I can possibly write more often, and set about adjusting the look of the blog.

The past few weeks have really been hard, and this place has seen me really hit out at my own emotions and feelings. It hasn't been pretty, but it's been a blessing that the library has allowed me to do this even though I can't get to read what I put on the screen and have had to use my phone to see it. However, that's going to change soon and whilst I may not be around much over the next few days as I'm off out tomorrow and shouldn't be back till Sunday, I shall try to get back in here either on Sunday or Monday at some point.

It's at this point I should say a thank you to the person that suggested I start writing again, it's been a great help and whilst it's not been pretty, it's been theraputic to get everything out of the system. I can't write for too long today as the library is quite busy and I need to be gone soon. I won't be able to get any extra time, but I don't need that today. I'm feeling positive, I've done things to make tomorrow easier for myself and I'm doing what's right for me at this moment in time.

So it's goodbye library I hope you've been a friend and a help over the past 2 months, I'm sure I'll see you again no doubt, but hopefully not for the reasons that I've had in this period.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Aches and Pains

Here we are again, after a wonderful day yesterday, instead of walking I ended up going for a swim with a friend to the local pool. After 30 lengths, and feeling as good as I would have done had I gone walking I went home and relaxed for a while. I was going out last night to a concert and so I wasn't going to be doing much else, and guess what? I didn't do much else.

Late in the afternoon, we set off to the concert, met up with the same friend as before and headed off into Manchester on a shockingly crowded tram I must say, but once off the tram and a short walk down to the pub we met up with others and chatted away, whilst drinking and generally chilling out in a nice beer garden, the only issue was the noise of the traffic, but that was a minor consequence. The concert was wonderful, it truely was, I went to see Tim Booth, on his own this time rather than being the singer of James. I'm so glad that I went, a week earlier and it was highly likely that I wouldn't have gone I was in that sort of mood, but this week everything has begun to click back into place and I'm functioning again, all be it at now I would say 80%, as opposed to say 10% this time last week.

In December of last year I saw James play the MEN Arena and whilst the whole day was a mish mash of events with heavy snow over night, a meeting in Manchester to attend, great friends, losing my phone I hadn't really enjoyed the concert all that much. One of my friends didn't, we both felt it just wasn't quite right. I know many others who loved the show so, perhaps it was us. However last night was the opposite it was a wonderful show in a really nice small venue, which added it's character to the night I guess. So by the time I got home it was nearly 1am, and by the time I was getting to bed it was 1am.

This morning I've woken up with a small bout of sniffles, when haven't I recently if I've been swimming the day before? A bit of a sore throat, and very tired legs and feet. I guess the swim and then standing at the gig wasn't the greatest combination. However, it was well worth the aches and pains of this morning to have gone last night.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


It's the middle of the week and I start this post still in the middle of a climb back up the ladder and out of the hole that I'd lived in for the past few weeks. Whilst I may put it down to exercise and the biological reaction to that, I'm sure something else should be credited with this almost 180 dgrees turnaround. However at this point in time I can't identify what that is and I couldn't care less to be honest right now. I am concentrating on getting to the point where I'm able to say I'm back, and I'm back on shore to continue the nautical analogy from yesterday.

Each day is a new challenge right now, and one I'm meeting head on with a smile. I know that I'm going to face some difficulties on the way, who doesn't? However, it's how I meet the challenges in either a positive or negative way I guess what matters. I refer back to the exercise issue, I think helped not only biologically, but also in that I thought that it would help and it did, thus giving me a positive answer to my own deliberations. To back that up the following day with the recovery of the video as I did, was a double whammy for me. It's very unusual for me to have two positives in such a short space of time and I think coupled with the walking, it gave me a rocket powered boost.

So as I come into today, I had an idea of what I wanted to do online here in the library, but that left me by the time I'd arrived so I'm just flying around various places trying to find information that I need before heading home and hoping that I've got mail. Then I can go for a walk, before starting to get ready to go out tonight. Yes, I'm off out for a change, not to any group either or swimming, but to see a concert, something different again to the norm, this week is may well go down in histroy at some point as a turning point for me. Okay, I shouldn't get carried away, but you never know?

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

I'm Coming Home.

The dock at the port that is the real life has welcomed back the good ship Leia. I'm positive it has, I've returned back to the docks, it's still not safe to leave the ship, but I'm back in port.

I couldn't have imagined writing the above this time last week, or even as late as Sunday morning, but I'm confident that I can now. I said yesterday about going for a walk on Sunday and how it helped me feel, well I went out again yesterday and I can confirm that I feel even better than I did yesterday, confident in the fact that I've back to port, leaving all the nightmare of the past month and half out in the depths of the ocean. It's shocked me as much as it will shock anyone left reading this blog that I'm feeling so much better so quickly, but I can tell that I'm getting better and quickly, by the fact that I've already started to review this past spell of depression and have already drawn up some conclusions that I hadn't really noticed or expected.

In previous periods of depression I've always gone into work and tried to work myself through the deepest spells of depression. I've had people to talk to or at least communicate with, as I'm sure my former line manager would argue that I never talked when I was down, but communicated with others. I had my family to communicate with as well, however this time I've had none, this increased the constant feeling of loneliness that I have due to the way things are with me. I have never had to deal with this alone, and so I guess this period has probably seemed worse to lots of people. I'm not sure if it's the worse I've been, I think I've had equally worse points in the past, but I think due to circumstances I've probably felt sorry for myself even more than ever before.

That though is only the start of the review, I've got to let things settle down first before I can conclude the review, I'm not going to be coming off the anti-depressants for a while, till that day arrives I'm still going to be using a crutch as such to see me through, but there is nothing wrong with that, I can live with that. I guess that what I need to do is to sort out everything and feel comfortable before deciding to come off the tablets. In the past I've been fearful of being on them for long periods of time and becoming too dependant on them.

It's here where I need to accept that I've possibly pushed people away from me over the past few weeks, not intentionally, but through the depression and the way it's effected me. I'm sorry to all of those that I've affected over this time. It was never my intention to do so, and for some it's come at a bad time where they too have been down and whilst I'd have loved to have been there to help them, I've had to focus on myself for once. That again is perhaps a new concept for me, but I've got to now get to work building bridges and starting to help my friends and others. I've got a lot of hard work ahead of me, but for the first time in a while I can say that I'm enjoying the sights and smells of the spring time in Salford. I was in awe at the beauty of all the trees on a particular road I walked towards yesterday, and was going to take a picture, but that would have meant stopping, but hey that can happen another time soon, what was important though was that I saw the beauty and it wasn't just another image for me to process.

Monday, April 18, 2011

What a wonderful idea walking is.

Wow, what a difference a weekend can make! I was dreading the weekend, and it didn't dissapoint in a way, I know the football didn't go exactly to plan, quite the opposite to be honest, but I didn't let that bother me, it can always do that even against some of our bitterest rivals. However, it was yesterday (Sunday) that has turned things around. I didn't want Sunday to come to be honest, I didn't want to do anything I was all for stopping in bed and doing diddly squat, but I realised that I needed some shopping, I needed milk, the one I'd bought previously was off, so I had to get some more and I also needed to pick up some chips, so I got up reluctantly at 10am, that was quite something for me to be able to stay in bed till then. However on getting up, I decided that I would go for a walk, I hadn't "gone for a walk" as such for some time. I walk every day near enough 1 to 2 miles, but I gently stroll that, when I say walk I mean a proper exercise 4 mile + walk. So I got home, went out for the walk in glourious weather and really enjoyed it. It blew me away, I felt so good for doing it, that I found energy to enjoy the day, I started thinking ideas rather than negative thoughts, things almost clicked with me. I woke up this morning knowing that I'd try and go for another walk today, and so I did, and I realise now that the endomorphines that were produced yesterday and today have really made a mark on me. I feel happy and up for the first time in a long time, and whilst I can't lay it firmly at the table I wish I'd not stopped "walking" a while back now. I think it would have helped me through the past few months. So I'm going to try and maintain this walking trick this time and enjoy it come rain or shine. This isn't the sole answer to everything, I know that the tablets are working now, and that the real test will come in a few months time when I come off the tablets, but if I can keep walking, keep feeling happy and good as I am today over a prolonged period then I'll be able to come off the tablets and still feel the way I am now. It's as if I hit rock bottom yesterday morning and through a break of routine, through doing something different I've come up with a solution. It's a solution that I should have thought of previously, I've posted in here how I've enjoyed the swimming sessions I've been too, all be it for what ever reason and it hadn't clicked that it was the exercise that had done it. Now it's clicked and whilst it's too early yet to say it's done the trick this time, I am feeling positive and will if it is the solution slap myself for not figuring it out earlier. So this is certainly more positive, and on top of all that I've come up with a solution to the situation over why I can't watch some of the dvd's that I've burned. I realise now that my cd rom/dvd player in my pc is faulty or coming to the end of it's life. I'm looking to see how much it will take to replace it and it isn't that much to be honest. I'd have to save hard to get it replaced with what I want, but that can wait the library has pc's with a disc drive that reads everything and I can shift them onto my flash drive and then watch them through that rather than the disc at home. I even found that I could watch an old video that I thought I'd lost forever, all 10 minutes of it. No matter how grusome it is a video of surgery always makes me think.

Friday, April 15, 2011

It's Friday again, and I'm writing again. I don't know what I want to write, but I just fancy writing something whilst listening to the bbc iplayer from last night. I am at a loss in terms of things to talk about. This is so odd, normally I can find something to write about. I am sure that I have mentioned that I'm reading a book, looking at the history of England. I'm really enjoying reading this at the moment and history is something that I do enjoy, in fact I love history I think I've ignored my love of history for too long. That's probably due in part to the torrid time I had at uni doing history. As much as I loved it, it wasn't fun at that point and now reading this book and having watched a few tv shows over the past couple of years I'm rekindling my love of history. It's taking time to resurface and what aspect of history I'm wanting to explore I don't know. Perhaps I may have to take a look at the work of my aunt, to see what the family tree looks like, and see if I can find anything more, though my aunt has spent quite some time on this and I doubt that I'll be able to find much more. However knowing where I came from would be nice, in that sense. History though can be the most wonderful thing, every second that passes by is history, and whilst we may look back and think that now it's gone, it's done and dusted it never is. The past defines the present, and the present defines the future.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

It's been quite a few days since I last wrote anything and whilst it's been an odd few days, I've kept myself rather well, all things considering. I have been on a roller coaster ride, going up and down over many things, but have found that whilst I'm not enjoying that I'm able to cope with it a bit better. Perhaps the happy pills are kicking in, I don't know, but what I do know is that I need to remember that I'm not here to help everyone, I've got to give myself more consideration. I know I've said that before, I know that in the past I've done that and felt bad for it, so I don't know what the answer is, but I have to try for my own sake or I'll end up either hurting myself or I'll end up saying something that I regret. So I've got to work on that. So what's new? Well not a lot really, but I am now starting to tire of not having the internet at home, I can't access all the sites I want here in the library and I can't do half the things I won't to either. I am also bored of what games I've got at home on my pc, and thus that's making the days go a lot longer than I would wish them too. I can but hope that I find something to keep me busy and occupied over the next fortnight.

Friday, April 08, 2011

Honesty Hurts

I guess it's time to be honest, I need to be as a way of being proud about myself. It sounds daft, but last night the bubbling sense of all my frustrations surfaced. I made a comment over on facebook, a simple comment on a friends page. It was meant in jest, but I think I upset her and in turn that flung me from the calm surface down into the depths of the swirling undertow that had been growing for the past few days. I wrote about it the other day, but couldn't quite be sure why I felt that way, and I still can't but I know it was and still is causing havoc within me. So the comment made, the realisation that I'd perhaps hurt someone, got to me and I dived into my depths to let myself free and wallow in my own stupidity. It was here that I realised I wanted to do something stupid, to do something to punish myself for the comment made, as it was obvious that no response to my appology was forthcoming. Yet what could I do to punish myself? I'd eaten, so I couldn't starve myself, I didn't fancy walking, or a visit to the bridge, it wasn't that sort of thing. No, I wanted to vent my anger upon myself, I looked at my hands, I clenched them into a fist and thought should I? Should I attack myself? However, something inside of me called out, it told me not to, to forget about it. To do something else, but it wasn't strong enough to squash the anger or the willingness to do it. The last time I did that, I gave myself a black eye, a real nice black eye. I told everyone at work that I'd walked into a cupboard at home, but I hadn't I'd hit myself in anger and frustration at another act of stupidity. I honestly don't think anyone at work really believed me when I said I'd walked into a cupboard, the black eye was too good to have been caused by a chance blow like that. I can't recall if I posted a picture of the said black eye on here, however I did make a great picture that I sometimes use as a profile picture on facebook of it. It isn't something I'm proud of, far from it, though I guess reading back it does sound as if I'm proud of it. Back to last night, I fought long and hard, before deciding to go to bed, I didn't hurt myself, I felt stupid and hope that the person that I commented to understands it wasn't meant to be a hurtful comment, just my sense of humour. I managed to get to sleep quite quickly the nervous energy that I'd spent fighting myself had worn me out and so I slept, well I say slept, I did from 11.30pm till 2.30am and then from 4.50am till 6.10am. I feel quite rested now, a lot calmer for having slept and am actually quite proud of myself for not resorting to my former habits, for be strong enough to stop myself, and for climbing another step back up the ladder to sanity. I can smile today and that's because I'm pleased with myself, it's not often I can say that, but today I can.

Thursday, April 07, 2011

Wandering Mind

One thinks many things at many times in the day. Be it, a simple thought about yourself, like "I'm thirsty", or a complicated task involving many thought processes. However, when one is resting or relaxing it tends to wander slightly, even if you are watching television or reading a book, you are taken into another world where the real life is almost suspended. However, the most craziest time I find my mind thinking what ever thoughts is during the times when I'm travelling, either by foot or propelled travel. I don't know what it is about travelling, but the strangest thoughts arrive to me, or some of the most sensitive aspects of my moods envelop my thought process and I assess everything. I would like to know why that is, but then lets be honest, does it matter?? It doesn't matter at all, but it's a curiosity that I thought about on my way down to the library this evening, what prompted that I don't know? That's where the idea of this post came from, and while I am thinking about it, maybe as I'm moving my mind is moving with me, and thinking other wilder thoughts rather than just the imagination of books, visual simulation etc. Maybe its the exercise is doing it good, with the "cleaner" air it's getting I don't know, but it's worth thinking about. Now then I'm trying to decide if I should stay in the library tonight and go to a presentation on UFO's, though I'm not convinced that I want to pay £3 for the rights to listen to someone talk to me for 2 hours on the subject. Still it could be interesting, yet the bigger concern I guess is that I need a couple of items from the supermarket and it shuts at 9pm when the talk finishes and I'd rather get in earlier than that to get some bargins. So no on reflection I won't be listening to the UFO presentation.

The undertow

The waters appear calm on top of the surface of the pond that are my emotions today, though I know that below the waves are crashing around as violently as they have been over the past few weeks. Why I'm feeling calmer though I don't know, it isn't the pills, that would be too quick of a response, but as I set off on my journey to the library today I realised how much calmer I was at least on the surface. I know that it's going to take time, my attention span right now is fairly short, I'm not able to maintain much attention on things which is a sign that things are not quite right, I've got no energy to motivate myself to do anything other than perhaps come down to the library once a day and that's about it. I am struggling and that's without a shadow of a doubt. So we'll see how today moves on and how the next few days move on as well. Being able to identify this helps I guess, it at least shows that I'm spotting things again and I know that whilst I may not have much of an idea as to why I'm here, I can see at least read the signs identify the situation accept it and try and deal with it. So what else is new? Not a lot, I'm still as always waiting for reply's to job applications, I'm still not getting any sort of communication from my family, except my aunt in Canada. I find that hard to accept at times, but hey what can I do? I mean it's not for me to do anything as it's always been them ignoring me, so why should I continue to make the effort?? I'm not going to go down that road again, it's been done so often, so it's what else?? Well not a lot really...

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

great friends

It's been a short while since I wrote in here, mainly due to me not coming here for a couple of days this week, or not having the time to write anything. I need to write, I need to tell the world that for someone who struggles for friends, I have some of the best in the world, if not the best in the world. The only problem I have with these friends are that none of them live close at hand, and seeing them is about as regular as Liverpool winning the league title...... It's not having people close at hand I guess that drives me crazy, but slowly I'm trying my hardest to develop friendships with people closer than 10 miles away from my flat. It's just taking time I guess. However, I've returned to the anti-depressants and lets see how they take hold, I have fought not to return to them, as I don't like having to fall back to them, it's a matter of fighting my issues all on my own and for the majority of the time I seem to figure out the issues myself, but it's when they all come together or I'm not ready to really fight them that I fall apart as I have done recently. Those of you reading, may find that the posts start to become a bit brighter over the next few weeks, who knows? However, watch this space. Arrgh, I've just spotted a little irritant of using the library computers that I hadn't really noticed before. I've been using them for a while now and more importantly to update this place regularily, as I'm still off line at home. However, just writing here and I must have pressed the caps lock as everything went caps. Now it isn't an issue I could edit it easily enough, but as my keyboard at home posts a message on my screen if I go into caps lock, I hadn't noticed. It's a very minor irritant, in fact it isn't much of one, but heck it's just the little things every now and again that tweak my senses. So with that I'll depart, I have to say THANK YOU again to my friends, some of you may know who that means, some of you may not, my list of friends is possibly between me and the deep blue sea. Though why we say deep blue sea I don't know as blue of course isn't the colour of water, it's the reflection of the sky that makes it seem blue. Oh now I'm wittering on about something I only know a little of, so I best go.

Friday, April 01, 2011

Going Up

Goodness me, what a 24 hours or so I've had, apart from all my miserable thoughts that I've had, the downer that I'm on, in the last 5 or 6 hours things seemed to have bucked the trend. OK, so I don't get any happy pills till Monday, so I'm not suggesting that I've suddenly become happy. No, fortune has granted me two little things to grasp hold of. First a kind act by the guy who came to check the electrics out in my flat, on behalf of the landlord. I won't say it so he won't get in trouble, but thanks for what you did it's helped me out no end. Secondly in the ensuing period an email from the BBC, asking me to fill in an assessment form. OK, they had 48,000 applications for posts at the new building in Salford and I wonder just how many emails like that they sent out? However, as it's the first positive response to any application in about 6 months, it has brightened up the day some what. However trying to complete the assessment has taken me far longer than I could have imagined and certainly over 90 minutes as that's two sessions on the library computers, it's a good job there are only 4 of us trying to share 28 pc's right now. So I'll leave it now, I don't want to dilute my thoughts with too much negativity, which I can do and often do when writing in here, so it's a bit of a positive end to the week.