Tuesday, April 19, 2011

I'm Coming Home.

The dock at the port that is the real life has welcomed back the good ship Leia. I'm positive it has, I've returned back to the docks, it's still not safe to leave the ship, but I'm back in port.

I couldn't have imagined writing the above this time last week, or even as late as Sunday morning, but I'm confident that I can now. I said yesterday about going for a walk on Sunday and how it helped me feel, well I went out again yesterday and I can confirm that I feel even better than I did yesterday, confident in the fact that I've back to port, leaving all the nightmare of the past month and half out in the depths of the ocean. It's shocked me as much as it will shock anyone left reading this blog that I'm feeling so much better so quickly, but I can tell that I'm getting better and quickly, by the fact that I've already started to review this past spell of depression and have already drawn up some conclusions that I hadn't really noticed or expected.

In previous periods of depression I've always gone into work and tried to work myself through the deepest spells of depression. I've had people to talk to or at least communicate with, as I'm sure my former line manager would argue that I never talked when I was down, but communicated with others. I had my family to communicate with as well, however this time I've had none, this increased the constant feeling of loneliness that I have due to the way things are with me. I have never had to deal with this alone, and so I guess this period has probably seemed worse to lots of people. I'm not sure if it's the worse I've been, I think I've had equally worse points in the past, but I think due to circumstances I've probably felt sorry for myself even more than ever before.

That though is only the start of the review, I've got to let things settle down first before I can conclude the review, I'm not going to be coming off the anti-depressants for a while, till that day arrives I'm still going to be using a crutch as such to see me through, but there is nothing wrong with that, I can live with that. I guess that what I need to do is to sort out everything and feel comfortable before deciding to come off the tablets. In the past I've been fearful of being on them for long periods of time and becoming too dependant on them.

It's here where I need to accept that I've possibly pushed people away from me over the past few weeks, not intentionally, but through the depression and the way it's effected me. I'm sorry to all of those that I've affected over this time. It was never my intention to do so, and for some it's come at a bad time where they too have been down and whilst I'd have loved to have been there to help them, I've had to focus on myself for once. That again is perhaps a new concept for me, but I've got to now get to work building bridges and starting to help my friends and others. I've got a lot of hard work ahead of me, but for the first time in a while I can say that I'm enjoying the sights and smells of the spring time in Salford. I was in awe at the beauty of all the trees on a particular road I walked towards yesterday, and was going to take a picture, but that would have meant stopping, but hey that can happen another time soon, what was important though was that I saw the beauty and it wasn't just another image for me to process.

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