Friday, April 08, 2011

Honesty Hurts

I guess it's time to be honest, I need to be as a way of being proud about myself. It sounds daft, but last night the bubbling sense of all my frustrations surfaced. I made a comment over on facebook, a simple comment on a friends page. It was meant in jest, but I think I upset her and in turn that flung me from the calm surface down into the depths of the swirling undertow that had been growing for the past few days. I wrote about it the other day, but couldn't quite be sure why I felt that way, and I still can't but I know it was and still is causing havoc within me. So the comment made, the realisation that I'd perhaps hurt someone, got to me and I dived into my depths to let myself free and wallow in my own stupidity. It was here that I realised I wanted to do something stupid, to do something to punish myself for the comment made, as it was obvious that no response to my appology was forthcoming. Yet what could I do to punish myself? I'd eaten, so I couldn't starve myself, I didn't fancy walking, or a visit to the bridge, it wasn't that sort of thing. No, I wanted to vent my anger upon myself, I looked at my hands, I clenched them into a fist and thought should I? Should I attack myself? However, something inside of me called out, it told me not to, to forget about it. To do something else, but it wasn't strong enough to squash the anger or the willingness to do it. The last time I did that, I gave myself a black eye, a real nice black eye. I told everyone at work that I'd walked into a cupboard at home, but I hadn't I'd hit myself in anger and frustration at another act of stupidity. I honestly don't think anyone at work really believed me when I said I'd walked into a cupboard, the black eye was too good to have been caused by a chance blow like that. I can't recall if I posted a picture of the said black eye on here, however I did make a great picture that I sometimes use as a profile picture on facebook of it. It isn't something I'm proud of, far from it, though I guess reading back it does sound as if I'm proud of it. Back to last night, I fought long and hard, before deciding to go to bed, I didn't hurt myself, I felt stupid and hope that the person that I commented to understands it wasn't meant to be a hurtful comment, just my sense of humour. I managed to get to sleep quite quickly the nervous energy that I'd spent fighting myself had worn me out and so I slept, well I say slept, I did from 11.30pm till 2.30am and then from 4.50am till 6.10am. I feel quite rested now, a lot calmer for having slept and am actually quite proud of myself for not resorting to my former habits, for be strong enough to stop myself, and for climbing another step back up the ladder to sanity. I can smile today and that's because I'm pleased with myself, it's not often I can say that, but today I can.

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