Looking Back

I guess the end of the year always leads to people reflecting on the past year and looking forward to the following year, with aspirations and hopes of wonderous things happening to themselves. I'm not ashamed to do this, I think it's good to reflect on the past, looking forward isn't healthy as it leads to abject failure which then needs to be dealt with and after all the failings that have befallen myself I don't want many more in my life.

However 2010, what will it mean to me in 5, 10, 20 years from now? I think I'll look back on it as a horrible year, one which dropped me further than ever before, took me to places that I hadn't seen for years and further down to an abyss that nearly swallowed me. I don't know what stopped me from going that next step, that next step had I taken it that fateful day in June would have been death, suicide. I was close to it, I haven't really said much about it, but to be stood peering over a motorway for way over an hour, trying to find a positive in my life and just increasingly finding a negative wasn't healthy.

Whilst the police stepped in, and did little more than remove me from the bridge, and ask a few quesitons, it was the stark reality of what would happen if I didn't drag myself away from it all that brought me to my senses that day. Perhaps I didn't really want to take the step, otherwise why would I have spent over an hour thinking about it, maybe it was nothing more than an extreme cry for help. However, what help did I get? A sympathetic police officer and then a chat with a nurse, and later my gp before getting some anti depressants. The rest has had to come from within myself.

Since that day this year hasn't exactly been a bed of roses, far from it. It's been a struggle to get through it, physically and mentally, it's been like trying to plough a field with a spoon. Yet, amongst it all, my decision to join the trans swimming group or at least give it a go was probably the biggest single event of the year. Found by accident ploughing through lots of LBGT stuff, possibly looking for stuff either for union related matters or for my personal trans presentation. I can't recall the reason that I was looking through what ever page I was, when I found mention of a trans swimming group. That I decided to go was a bit of a shock, but then it was around the time that I was walking daily in prep for a sponsored walk that I did, and wanted to do something apart from walking.

Exactly why does that rate as being the biggest single event? I think it was me accepting that no matter how hard I didn't want to accept that I was acutely lonely, I was and that perhaps I may find a common ground with the other members. Even if that was only once a month, it would be some interaction with people, who wouldn't judge me. The fact that I have returned to one group and joined another group as such has taken me into a position where by I can go out and meet people two or three times a month, as opposed to perhaps two or three times a year. It does make a difference. It's that difference and a totally new set of people to interact with, that perhaps have provided me with the most positive memories of the 2010.

The whole family situation is still bleak, yes I've got a chink in the issue, but that's it a chink. I doubt it's going to get any bigger any time soon, but it's a start. I do hope that 2011 may be the year that I can see something more than a chink in all of this, but I can't. If anything I can see 2011 bringing more heartache, genuine heartache and possibly a conclusion to part of it. It's something that those who are aware of the current situation may read what I've just written and perhaps will understand what I mean by this. I guess that I've been proved wrong before when it comes to drawing this type of conclusion with this person, and I hope I'm wrong again, but I don't know this time.

Looking forward to next year, one or two things are in the fire, which I hope to prove a positive, however I'm so geared to failure that I'm not going to build myself up for them. I dare not, and will not. Yes, if they come good I'll be shouting about it and telling the world, either here or else where, but first things first the last days of this year and the start of next has to take place and with 24 hours in each day to endure one can not start to plan further than 24 hours in advance.

Xmas time

It's been almost six months since I posted last and whilst the last post was poor in terms of grammer it did convey the hurt I was feeling back then. In the time between the posts not much has changed, though I've been on a much more even keel than I was expecting. I've worked through issues, I've forced myself back into going to groups in Manchester, as a way of making friends, who'll accept me for being me, rather than accepting me because they have to. I must say that it has helped and I've actually enjoyed going back. It seems odd for me to say that, considering how much I've said no and stopped myself from returning. It took a lot for me to do so, but out of the misery that has been 2010, that has been a positive.

The situaiton with my family is still bad, I've been in contact with my mum, only because she has been quite seriously ill, and whilst I have explained to her the reasons why I've kept myself away, and as I said in the last post she's denied the ignorance. Well I'm going to have it out with her once more, it's not funny anymore and it has to stop, others in the family are trying, at least my mother and sister can try. Though I guess if I did what I wanted to do, it would drive a knife even further between us. Still if no change is forthcoming by February I may well resort to it and see how it's taken.

So on with today I guess, having not been out since midday on Friday, I think I should go out and interact with the world. Apart from a couple of phone calls, which are OK I guess, but isn't true interaction, I need to step outside and face the world. I'm not afraid of that, though at times it's frustrating and energy zapping, however this is a forced choice otherwise I'd be in a pickle. I need to go to the shops for some essentials, and so the first contact with others is needed.

Change?

It's time to write what I am thinking, or doing right now. Well not right now as that's obviously writing this entry. However, let's get things going by accepting that I've been rather down of late, that in itself is an understatement, I've been more than rather down, but hey the rocky bottom of the pit has been hit and now I'm climbing the walls back to the surface to see why I fell so rapidly, so violently.

I guess one of the contributing factors is the fact that I'm not ailenated from my family, my mother has for a long time now been ignoring me, though she'll say quite the opposite, she has done and it's taken it's toll. About 4 or 5 weeks ago now, I walked out of her house, and haven't been back, and really haven't spoken to her since. She needs to say sorry, she needs to contact me, it isn't for me this time. However, I doubt she'll see it that way and we'll grow further and further apart. It hurts like mad that this is the situation, as my family is so important to me, but they way they have treated me over the years it's no wonder that I'm in the situation I am with them right now. Take this situation and add to it that I was already lonely, it's just added to the crap that I'm having to work though.

Still it's becoming easier and I'm slowly not bothering about them, well I am, but not half as much as I should be. Life goes on, and I'm pounding the beat of my life slowly and with heavy heart. I guess that normality is too much to ask for, but it's all I've ever wanted and never got. Things will change they have to change don't they?????

Back once more, back into the world of blogging. Yes, I know that this year has seen me perhaps blog more than the previous two years, but hey it's good to talk or so they say. Another random post so please just read, as I'm not sure where we'll go.

So it's Thursday in the middle 0f May 2010, and whilst it's an ordinary day, it's the one that brings nearer the end of now 3 of my favourite tv shows of the past 10 years. Tomorrow, night season 3 of Ashes to Ashes finishes and concludes the story, the story which started way back 5 years ago now, with Life on Mars and the story of Sam Tyler. It was a wonderful new show, with an almost unique story line, but one which captured the imagination of a nation, and also brought back to life an era long forgot almost. This show brought us wonderful characters, some of whom moved to Ashes to Ashes and who's story concludes tomorrow night. I hope they do the show some justice, and not copy the way the US version of Life On Mars finished, that was awful, we deserve better.

Then on Monday, in the US the final episodes of 24, will air, Jack Bauer says goodbye to the tv screens, after some of best episodes of the 8 seasons... I think the world will miss Jack Bauer, he's some how become a hero to everyone and we know he does bad things, but hey he's Jack, he's "human" and we all make mistakes..

Finally, and I say finally as it's going to be a long goodbye, Smallville is going to finish this time next year. It's been a 10 year journey from an accidental viewing one afternoon, through to some great episodes and stories. Even if the later seasons have been a bit weaker, they've been enjoyable to watch. Like Ashes to Ashes, I hope the show finishes correctly, as they could go for a rather lame ending, but they need to really think about that.

That's the negative news, the positive is that I went for a walk today, and whilst I felt my back and it was a little sore, it's been far worse. I changed my route so I wasn't going up the big hill, so we'll see how it reacts later on and tomorrow morning. I must say I was a little surprised at how easy I felt the walk, even after staying away from walking for the past week. My feet feel a lot better as well, which made things easier. I just wonder if the back probelm is connected to the feet being sore. Thus making me adjust my walking style? I don't know, but having had an x-ray on my back yesterday, as ordered by my doctor, we may find out if there is anything properly wrong with my back once and for all. I'm looking forward to the results as once I know the situation one way or another I'll be able to either prevent my back playing up again or at least do what ever to ease the suffering it can cause me. I'm rather indifferent to the prospects of the results, either way I'll have some peace of mind.

Time for lunch now, so I'm going to leave this entry, I'm going to have a bite to eat before possibly doing some reading or some research, I'm not 100% sure yet of which, but I'll keep myself occupied today, unlike on Tuesday.

What to do?

I'm slightly bored, I've stopped walking for a few days as my back and feet have been crippling me. I've got to arrange for an X-ray on my back tomorrow, to see if that's showing anything. In many ways I do hope they find something as I have had a back problem for many a year, probably since around the age of 14/15. It's not something that has caused too much problems, more a discomfort and always a few days of resting it. However, as I've started walking, with the view of the 10km walk in Manchester in July, and my back starting to play up, I thought it should be checked out. I have this walk to target and I don't want anything to prevent me from taking part. Also with a target of walking a marathon in Manchester next year, I need to have some sort of answers as to enable me to do such a walk.

However, that's for then, I've not got anything to do right now, and that's why I'm bored. I've caught up with all the TV that I normally watch and whilst I've had some paracetamol for my back under doctors orders, I'm not even going to attempt to walk till tomorrow. At least I'll have enough paracetamol within the system to kill any pain if I do aggrivate my back again. So I'm at a loss of what to do, and what makes it frustrating is that I've a meeting at 15.40 today, basically an hour away and so I've had plenty of time to kill before that, and that's caused the boredom.

So what do I need to do? I don't know I could read I suppose, but then the more I read the less I have to read and that creates problems further down the line, not that I'm openly bothered. Oh the joys of trying to counter every option I've got of doing something different, something to take the boredom away. It isn't too bad, not but I guess I just want to do something that will fill the time which is fairly different.

Oh well, I should point out that I had a job interview last Thursday, and though I didn't get the job, I've just had some positive feed back. I only failed to get the job on the grounds that my eperience has always been in the care industry, which is something that I sort of suspected and while I knew that would hinder me, and though I thought it wouldn't bother me not getting this post, it has. I'm left to wonder then where I go from here. If I can't find a job in an alternate industry to the care industry what am I going to do? I really would like to try something different and something that perhaps is slightly outside of my box as they say. Still I really do need to look at this again now.

Anyway, enough for now, the interview this afternoon is now less than 40 minutes away, I need to get ready and walk down to it. I don't want to be late, I don't like being late, so the sooner I'm there the sooner I'm back and then I can concentrate on arranging the X-ray.

Up's and Down's

Here we are again, another post and perhaps something to write, however as ever I'm not 100% sure. I'm bored, I can't think of what to do and so I thought I'd write. If 15 or 20 yeas ago you'd tell me that on a Cup Final Saturday, at 15.10 I'd not even be bothered over the FA Cup, I'd have laughed at you, but that's how it is today. I'm not remotely interested, is that a good thing or a bad thing? I don't really know, but what I do know is that unlike years gone by I'm not bothered about watching it. I'm writing about it here, but that's because of the way I feel about the final.

Not too much has taken place since the last post, I've not read that prior to typing this out as I would only want to answer what ever questions I wrote down in that entry and whilst that's informative to you the reader, if there is any readers, what it does to me, is stiffle where I'm taking this post and we've been through that discussion haven't we before.

What I am finding is that my hands are a little cold and thus I'm not typing with the ease that one would want and that on occasion I'm making silly little mistakes, which many years ago when I learned to type would have cost me many marks in an exam. I'd be using tipex or it's like to blot out any of the mistakes that I'm making and they are quite frequent. I think that's one of the greatest advantage of computer word processing. After thinking back about times gone by recently I figure that the computer has helped us change the way we do things and whilst tipex and it's similar product competitors made millions in the 80's and early 90's trade must be seriously slow these days. How long has it been since we all carried a bottle of that sort of stuff in our pencil cases or on our desks? Now it's all about the delete key and if on proof reading we spot further mistakes we go back to what we've typed correct it and then reprint.

I guess all this nostalga has come about after watching a few programmes on the tv about the 1980's, and yes whilst it may have been a naff decade as such, it was the era I grew up in and so some of the naff stuff was in fact uber cool when you were there in the middle of it all. Computers were new toys, walkmans had just been invented, and to have a walkman with a radio was something else. It's things like that, which remind me that whilst we may all be rather gloomy and unsure of what's around the corner, that we've been here before, we've suffered uncertainty and financial problems, and we pulled through it. Like the many times that I've talked about my moods being the total opposites of themselve and I'm sure I've compared it to a roller coaster, so is the state of the country, we're down at the bottom right now, but we'll get stronger and get back to the top of the hill again.

Here I am again, in a great mood, however a grey cloud is forming and so I need to write. Not that I'm too concerned over the cloud, because I've spotted it and whilst I may not be able to do anything about the situation as such I'm aware of it and thus preventing the cloud getting any bigger.

So what of the cloud? Well to be honest, I've got no music on, I've got no tv shows to watch and I just fancy a chat to someone, and it hasn't been forthcoming all day. So I guess I just want some communication with someone. I know I'll be heading to my mum's in a bit, but it isn't exactly the communication that I want right now. I want a friend to chat to, about something, anything.

Still that's the gripe of the day, it's the only down side on the way things are right now. I'm feeling happy, I'm feeling fitter than I have done of late, as all the walking I'm doing in preparation for the sponsored walk I'm doing is going well. My mind is focussed on that, and after doing a exteneded training run that was equal to the 10km that I'm walking in July I feel really positive about this now. So much so that my mind is slowly turning to the next event after this and that was one that went ahead last week in Manchester. That was a complete marathon walk through the night. If I can maintain my training once the event is over, I may well start to consider doing this event next year, it would be a challenge, but if I start from here in terms of building up for that event I shoud be fine. Stopping there though, as I don't want to get to ahead of myself, this walk I'm down for doing is the most important right now. I was very pleased about this morning as the previous attempt after 1 weeks training had to be aborted or should I say cut short. This time 2 weeks later and I'm through the barrier and now finishing the walk distance. This bodes well, and I'm really pleased with the way things are.

The feel good factor about feeling fitter is great and I am certainly seeing more self confidence coming through, all I need to do is sort out the face and I'll be laughing and joking all the way. Let's just hope I can continue the motivation after the walk too continue.

Pleased to Meet You

Having a picnic in the park, is one of those memories that most people have from some point or other, be it with the family or perhaps a partner or just freinds. Maybe because the weather has had a turn for the better here over recent days, I'm sort of yearning to have a said picnic. Times a change though, as my memories of picnics in the park, was of the odd sandwich, possibly a cream cake from the shop at the bottom of the road and a drink from the paper shop on the same road. Oh those drinks, I can't recall exactly what it was, not that it was a poor quality drink, but the drinks themselves came in animal shape containers and I loved the elephant version. However the paper shop didn't always have them in stock, but when they did they were a required element of said picnic. Today however, I'd be eager to have snacks and a wide range of stuff. Also the local park isn't exactly as exciting as it once was. Still it doesn't stop me wanting to have a picnic.

The day dreams of a rambling mind I guess, things are going well right now in some area's I'm happy and contented with the way life is going. They could be better, but that's something we all experience, and I'm enjoying going out exercising once more. I think I'll give myself perhaps 2 or 3 more weeks before going out for a walk becomes the norm and will be part of the daily routine. Then I've got to start changing my routes around a bit more, sticking to the same routes day after day is OK for now, as I can gauge how well I'm doing, but when it becomes routine it can become something which affects me more than it's doing good. However, I've now registerd to do the walk in July, so I'm walking in preparation for that right now.

There you go, that's it, that's life right now, but it's far more than that, it's all about me and being me for a change is perhaps a good thing. I do think some of that is due to me going out walking, I know I've got to lose weight and that by going out and walking will help me with that. It's also giving me more energy to work with and that's making me feel better about me. Yes, it's been said before, but it really does do me good to be exercising and being positive about myself. So who knows this time next year what the situation will be, but I'm hoping to be in this good place. It's not quite perfect, but what is?

I know What I'm Here For!

Motive, attitude, and down right determination are what this week has been about for me. I write this chilling down before grabbing a quick shower. I've made a decision this week to be me, and to do something about me. I have long said that I need to become more active again and so I have, I have decided to enter this years St Ann's hospice Manchester Midnight Walk. It's a 10km walk through Manchester as the title suggest all through the night.

It's perhaps me being selfish and me doing this in an attempt for me to get fit once more and to lose some weight. That is a good thing for my health and my mental state I guess, and so this past week has seen me start walking, which was a mile a day and a 4 mile walk this morning. The distances will increase, and hopefully I will shed some weight, and become a lot fitter than I am. I can't recall being as unfit as I am right now and I'm almost ashamed of myself for it. I know I have to be careful because of my knee's, but walking is far easier on them than running. The walk isn't until July, so I've plenty of weeks ahead to put in more training and get fitter and slimmer hopefully.

As for my attitude, well I'm being me, I'm no longer caring, and whilst the shit may hit the fan in the next week or so I'm going to stand up for myself with it. I am who I am and that's that. I do what is good for me, not what others want me to do, why should I do that? I've done that often enough, and now it's time for others to listen. I will set down conditions if I have too, but hey who cares? The people that think they are in the driving seat may well feel rather unsettled by recent events but I don't think they will have much of an option soon, well they have, but there are ways around it.

In terms of the last week as well, I've had a great couple of nights watch James in Sheffield and then Preston, for all of those whom I met along the way thank you, more so to Kay and Alex, and a hello to those that I chatted to. The James community is large and wide in this country and we help each other out. I'm just grateful to know you all. As for the concerts themselves, I don't know what it is, no matter how many times I see James I never get let down, I never feel as if it's been a really bad show, perhaps not always the best, but you get moments of genius all the time. That's why I am prepared to watch them 2 nights running, that's why I'd follow them on tour if I could. Still my time will come I guess. Now it's time to contemplate a shower, before going out to watch the football this lunch time.

Cryptic wonders

I find today to be nothing more than just another Monday to be honest, there is hardly anything worth watching on television to get me out and down to my mum's to watch that. Still that's not too bad, I can if I so wish get my book and read that, but I don't want to. I'm happy, just plodding around doing various bit and bobs and doing the occasional bit of work. So hey ho, whilst it's just another Monday, it's at least a Monday where I'm contented.

Now that is clear, I've got to try and decide what I want to write and where I go, the age old problem I have when writing in a good place. I find it hard to draw inspiration from positivies, even yesterday whilst a very positive post, I was coming from a negative situation. So why is that? I'm sure I've gone over that before now, so I won't go at it again. What I will say though is that I feel enpowered to attack the world or at least my own world right now. I am going to attack, attack all be it very slowly, but none the less I'm going for it. I've defended for a long time now, and whilst I've got the self confidence and am in a good place I'm ready to attack. I don't know if it's going to be for the best or the worse, so I've got to be prepared for it, but hey ho if I don't try then I won't gain or fail will I?

The worse may be horrible and if it comes to that, I'm sure I'll be writing about it in here at some point in the very near future, but right now I don't care. It's time for the status quo to be broken and for acceptance. I can plead all I like, but it's got me no where, so let's be determind, let's attack and let's put it into the open. If it all falls down then hell to them, but I'm in a good spot, and feel I can deal with it. I may have accepted that only a couple of days ago I was close to falling down the hole by being lonely, but by spotting that, I've found myself on a better platform, one from which I can attack from. As ever I'm being cryptic, but that is only for my safety I guess from others.

I'm now really am grasping to find a thread of a thought from which to develop this entry further. I guess it's left to close it down and write again shortly. I'm glad that over the past month or two I've found my willingness to write once more. I may not be as prolific as I would wish to be or have been in the past, but the fact that I'm writing is helping and a satisfying one. So to those who do read this thank you, I don't know what you make of these entries, not too many comments, but if you know who I am, you know where I'm at and whilst you may not offer too many comments here, you know what to expect if you talk to me.


Added Notes
Well, I've attaked and whilst nothing has taken place just yet, I'll be awaiting the response soon enough. No huffing and puffing, not imediate attitude, so we'll wait and see. Perhaps some acceptance is there, though how much I don't know. The more I attack and challenge the easier it might become for me, or should that be the better it will become for me, and I can move forward that much quicker than I imagined. We'll wait and see.

Wait and See.

Well yesterday was certainly an intersting day. I can look back with a little hope, a little regret and some positive to be honest. So what made it so intersting?

I guess it started some time in the afternoon, I had been to the pub to watch the football, and was fairly frustrated at the result, which was understandable after the performance United put out yet again. However, I can accept defeat and poor performances as I've seen plenty of them over the years, so frustration was the only emotion I had. I left the pub and started to walk back to my mum's and after about 100 yards or so burst into tears. I couldn't stop for ages, and for the rest of the day was a constant battle to prevent myself from crying henceforth. There was no obvious reasons for it, it certainly wasn't the football.

Later on, after I got home and was pottering around on the internet, and noticing that a friend was online, I opened a chat with them, however they failed to respond, and whilst that isn't unusal, when they eventually went off line it struck me, as once again I burst into tears. I guess all I wanted was a chat, all it was, was me being lonely. I know I see certain people often, but I guess every now and again all I want is a chat, about anything. What didn't help either I guess was that whilst at home I hadn't put any music on, and thus things were ever so quiet as well. Once I realised what was upsetting me, I addressed the situation, I put the radio on to listen to that, and read a book. I let myself get transported out of my room and into another world, and it certainly helped.

So the positive is that whilst I've not exactly spoken to anyone, I've spotted the situaiton, did something about it and have moved on rather quicker than normal. Yes, it did help getting an email from my best friend for the first time in while, and I guess I should have spotted a sign or two earlier in the week, when I started to question over why I'd had no response from her to an earlier email and text. I know I like to be instantanious in responding, but I've grown accustomed to most of my friends response times, and any delays become obvious. However, when I start questioning why no response I guess I should realise that I'm getting a bit desperate for a conversation or something.

Now that it's over with today is a new day, I'm feeling a lot better and am moving forward. How forward I go I don't really know yet, but hey the plan is for a huge leap today and if I do, I'll be quite a lot happier full stop with things. So we'll wait and see.

My Way

It's time to write another post, another random post to fill in the time that I have on my hands tonight. I'm not going to get depressed, but for some reason I would like to acknowledge that I would rather be sat round either a friends house or a table in a pub some where right now chatting to friends. It just feels like one of those nights where I wish I could do either of these activities.

Still, rather than letting it get to me, I'm chilled about it, I really am. I know that I've said this before and then a few days later been in the deepest of places, but seriously I'm OK right now. I guess it's just that I'm unsure of what I want to do tonight and having someone or some people to talk too is alway something different and takes a night into different places.

This post has no real thread to it, I'm really going blind here, I've no idea what to write, I started off hoping that I could write something to keep me occupied and provoke some thoughts in my mind which would then lead me to do something after finishing. However, I've got nothing to fire my imagination to take me to where ever I want to go or is that actually the right thing to say? As I've no place where I want to go, I just wanted to write and see where I went.

Perhaps I should sit down and start to plan for some more presentations, though I've got no more lined up, but if I sit down and start looking into topics and building up information and powerpoints I can share them with those with whom I trusted my previous efforts to see what they think and see if they are equal to that one or better. What ever I do, it's going to be different to what ever I would be doing had I not sat down and wrote this. This has to be one of the more pointless entries I've ever written, but in it's own way it's provided me with something and that's the most important part of writing this I find. It helps me and if it helps me then no matter how shocking and how crazy these enteries sound, it assists in some way to making life better for me, and as I like to point out, I see through my eyes and no one elses, I hear through my ears and not anyone elses. I touch with my fingers, think with my brain, it's me that does things for me. People can offer advice or directions to help me, but it has to be my choice in the end to follow that advice or direction, and do what ever my own way.

Confident, public speaker, Me? Give over

It has been nearly a week since I wrote in here last, and whilst not too much has taken place in my life, it certainly has been a pleasant week in so many ways. I think the two presentations which I've spoken about lots have really been good to me. I have never been a good public speaker, always getting nervous and always being rather shy. However on neither occasion did I get remotely as nervous as I have done in the past, on both occasions I felt that I spoke as clearly as I can (which isn't something that I'm known for doing), and that I conveyed the presentation well enough for those listening to understand and at least gain some sort of knowledge from it.

I said that I would sit down and reflect on these once they were both done, and whilst I really haven't gone into great detail over them with myself, I do feel that yes there was room for improvement on both occasions, I do feel that with more time on each presentation (time to give the presentation that is), I could have done better, could have provided more information. This was the first time thoguh, and whilst I'm satisfied it went well, I wouldn't sit on my laurals and suggest it was perfect. Refinement is the key here, and also possibly expansion. I presented on a limited topic, one which I know lots about, but if I want to make something more out of this I've got to be prepared to expand the field of work, I've got to be prepared to go into subjects where I'm not as strong and be able to present on those. I've got to be able to expand the time frame of the presntations and perhaps build into them a more interactive nature. This is a seed, one that has been planted, how high it grows I don't know, but it's one that I hope grows high and strong, as for once I can say I enjoyed speaking in public, I had no fear and that is something new to me.

So why did it hold no fear? Well for one I knew the people in the room, or I had met them previously, which does help, they were not all total strangers. I think that gave me a little bit of confidence, but in the past I've never really stood up and spoke even in situations where I've been in groups of people whom I knew far better than the ones I spoke in front of last week. Is it because of the topic? Maybe, I had confidence in my own ability to talk on the topic with knowledge and authority, so that was a helping factor. Another reason perhaps that needs looking into is that the preperations for this was quite comprehensive, in that others had seen the power point that I'd made and everyone was happy with that. I had gone through 6 or 7 run throughs in my flat to make sure I had the script written, again this isn't something totally new to me, just that I'd always believed I had the ability to wing things in the past. Perhaps it was all 3 things that made this go so well, and made me feel confident.

Which ever way, I'm far happier now with this than I was, I'm glad I did the presentations and can use them as a base to perhaps move forward.

Bright blurry balloons.

I've done the first presentation, it was done yesterday afternoon, and to be honest it wasn't as bad as I was thinking it would be. I know everyone was being polite with me with regards what they had learned, but I just hope it sank in.

Of my own performance? Well I know that I could probably do better, at times I honestly don't know what I was focussed on, in terms of my eye sight, it seemed like a blur rather than a class full of faces, and that was sort of odd. I did ground myself a couple of times and that helped me focus on those around me. That's something to learn to do I guess, however it wasn't the horror show that perhaps I thought it would be, and hopefully tomorrow's version will be a bit better and I'll be a little less nervous. Out of 10, I'd give myself a 6. I could have given more information, I could have slowed down a little, which is something I had been practising. I know I had got the presentation down to 45 minutes or there abouts, but it seemed to fly by yesterday a little quicker than that, which is good, but then did I give people a chance to take all the information in. I can praise myself that I didn't constantly repeat myself and whilst area's could have been improved, it conveyed the message. Of course the time frame was short and not alot could be put into it, however it worked. If tomorrow goes as well, I'll be happy. I'd like to see what I could do with other subjects, one's where I've got to do a bit of research perhaps, but for a starter for 10 it was a nice for 6. I do need to look at this area, of course to work on my presentation area, but hell this could be something to investigate a little further.

So for once a quite positive entry into here from myself, something has to go wrong? Well there is a couple of things not quite right, but they can be fixed, not by me, but they are mechanical rather than emotional and so I shouldn't be too distracted by them. Though of course they do play a small part in my life and thus I want them to be sorted. They will be done, just not right now and if things go completely pear shaped which anyone who has read this blog will be able to tell you does happen a lot to me, they will be used as evidence as to why things have gone wrong.

As I wrote the above, it occurred to me that things go wrong, things go right, it's the ying and yang of life. Without negative, how do we find positive?, sadness and happiness, they are all intertwined within us. Some of us, and I include myself are more sensitive to the extreme's of these rather than the smoother calmer middle area's and whilst today, I can say that I'm happy to sail these waters, I know when I'm in the depth of the negatives, the sadness and upset, I'll be pleading for the calmer middle area's. I just guess that unlike others, I find the calmer area's a little harder to find than most. It's trying to fight the extreme area's that takes so much of one's energy at times.

Still right now the area is calm, I'm finding the area to bright sunny positive area's easy to reach today, if I could block my way back for ever to the middle and negative area's I would be a horribly over happy person to know. I guess the people I know, the people I call mates and friends wouldn't want me around like they don't like the dark and moody me either. So hey I'll live with the extreme's, as long as others realise that this is me, and your stuck with it..

North, South, East or West, which direction to go?

Another week flies by, and a surprisingly uneventful week goes by considering how it all began. However, it's gone with now and I can perhaps look forward to the weekend. However, not a lot is taking place this weekend, still it gives me chance to run through the presentation that I've got to give next Monday and Wednesday. I've got to really work on one area of that, in an attempt to sharpen it up, once that is done everything should be near enough done with it. I don't know if I should sit down and try and script the part that I'm struggling with, it may help me nail what I want to say, but then it's a difficult part of the presentation to give. So I may just have an attempt and see how it goes.

Life however continues and the foundations have been untroubled this week. If anything I've hardly worked to solidify them, but then by not rocking them either they are settling into the ground and becoming use to the weight that is my life. How deep is that? Not very, as I'm not that heavy that the foundations are sinking this quickly!!!! I couldn't resist a little joke there for some reason, but if one's humour is intact then I'm heading in the right directing.

A Journey of Self Research

As I sit knowing that I want to write something, and yet trying to think of a what to write or where to at least begin, I find myself with a smile building across my face. I'm enjoying something, what though? What is it that is that is making me smile? It isn't being sat here, I know that and that isn't anything against writing this post. No, I think it's the music I'm listening too, and it isn't because it was a particularily good song, it was the extended disco version of the Cantina Band music from Star Wars. I think it was the Star Wars reference that I enjoyed.

So perhap that's where I'll start and try and understand why I like Star Wars? I've never done that really. I have to be honest I'm probably seen all six films around a minimum 100 times and certainly the original films well over 200 times each. Why can I sit and watch them and enjoy them so much after so many times? What is it that jumps out when ever I do watch them that I really enjoy? I don't know, I've probably seen loads of better films, but I don't sit down and watch something like Schindlers List over and over like I can with Star Wars. Is it the esacpism, being taken to a place out of reach and one of dreams rather than what we know is reality? I don't know, I really don't, but I do know I enjoy the films and just listening to the song before (I'm now onto Killer Queen from the OST of We Will Rock You), almsot made me go and reach for the Star Wars films and watch them for what would be the first time in 2010.

So things are cool, nothing too much to worry about. Yes I've got to keep trying to shave time off the presentation that I've made for next week, but I'm happy with the way it's going. Having spoken with the tutor yesterday and discussed some of the things that will be touched upon, I'm confident that I can cover what they want and probably end up with the students asking plenty of questions. However, let's see I've got my head around how this should pan out, and just hope it goes to plan.

Apart from that I can't complain much, I'm relaxed, I'm contented and looking at securing the foundations to which I'm standing on, in terms of the contentment. I know my previous attempts haven't been good, but hey I've got to get them right at some point haven't I? I mean I can't always fail, I'm better than that, I know that, others know that. However, I allow the self fullfilling prophecies (I don't care about spelling right now) take over, and when anything does go wrong I allow it to effect me. So what I have to do is try and accept that I have success as well as failure. I think the presentation is a good place to start. I'm so unsure of myself with it, that I've asked 4 people to look at it, and give me feed back, before I even present it. Yes, I'm glad I did have someone look at it, so they were able to point out minor issues, which I can see were issues to correct. However, I guess that I've been so used to failure or negative comments, I don't think I've been able to truely accept that what I've made is OK, no in someone's words good. Perhaps that's why I've asked for a second, third and forth opinion, and that should show me that I lack some self confidence or belief I guess. However, I know the subject, I know what I'm doing and yet I'm still insecure.

What has caused this self confidence? I really don't know. I'm sure that there are some people who may or may not recognise the person I am right now compared to what I was at one point in my life. I was so care free, and prepared to do things that I wouldn't do now without a day or two's thought that I wonder where it all changed. As I completed that sentence I let myself ponder and figured out a possible answer, and I am going to contemplate that answer, as it's probably true, but it needs some self research. Wow, from Star Wars to finding answers withing myself which may or may not help me is quite a little journey. However I have said that I enjoy writing, as I find it helps me solve issues one way or another. This is just another bit of evidence in that for me.

Am I Old? No, just maturing.

Here we are again, another grey outlook from the window, though that's the sky the rest of the view is fairly colourful. I use the term fairly as the colours are starting to push themselves through the dull lux that is the winter sky, giving rise that Spring is creeping upon us and of course Spring is a beautiful time of the year, where new life comes forth, where life awakens from the winter slumber.

Is my current mood of hope, of working on my own mind set, of working out problems that I've got due to the awakening of spring? Who knows? Who cares? All I know is that tomorrow is going to be March and that at the end of that month, 31 days away we'll have seen out a quarter of 2010. Where does time go? It is rather odd how the older you get the years seem shorter and shorter. Has anyone ever come up with a definitive reason as to why this is the case?

Enough of that, I'm chugging along at a sedate pace, not wishing to rush, not wishing to crawl. This sedate pace is easier for myself, and though at some point I will have to rush I think that I'm better prepared to do that now. It does depend on the circumstances of course and situations that arise. Whilst I'm prepared for what's coming next week, I may find myself writing in here once more with a negative tilt to it, though I certainly hope not, I've got through the prep for that and practise so it's just down to deliverance and attempting not to nervous. Cryptic of course, but that's the way I like to be I guess. I don't like naming names, I don't like putting true situations in as to avoid identifying anyone in this blog, I'm sorry, I'm just a little over protective I guess. Saying that I do think I've named people way back, and it's just my mind growing old. Talking of growing old, I may feel old these days compared to when I was a bit younger, however at least I'm not a fossil yet, like my sister. Thanks to my niece for telling me that, it makes me feel so much more younger than the 8 years between us.

It's all Grey

OK, so no problems, well no problems that I haven't dealt with before, no problems that I haven't moaned about on here before, and thus no problems to relate off the top of my head. I just want to write, write what I don't know this is going to be a classic free flow post.

One could describe today as a grey day, out of the window in the garden are two grey squirrels digging up nuts they'd left before the winter began, the sky is a light shade of grey. It's at that point where once it becomes even lighter we have to call it white, but it's very much grey. Without thought, I've got a grey t-shirt and grey jog bottoms on whilst I settle down for the day. This may suggest that today is going to be problematic? Why say that? well all the greys and as a colour grey can be defined as confussion between the good of white and the bad of black. However, it's not like that.

So what's taking place in my life? What's driving me to write? I don't know I just felt like being creative and whilst I could sit down and try and compose a poster for someone, without clearer directions on what is required all I would be doing is making suggestions, which is all well and good, but I want some boundries at least to work in, as this isn't my project. Talking of my projects, I have a presentation in the pipeworks which if all goes well, and I say if may be something to consider for the future. However, that's speculative, but I have to say that whilst in the final planning stages, it's been insightful in terms of building up resources for the presentation and trying to think what would and wouldn't be appropriate. I should thank those who have helped me with this presentation, and anyone else who gives me advice along the way before I present them.

The Winter Olympics have captured me again, I don't know why I enjoy these games more than the Summer version. Perhaps it's the lack of events makes it far easier to watch, and watch properly rather than flicking through to see odd bits here and odd bits there. Perhaps is one of my earliest memories of the Olympics are the the 76 Winter games sat in my grandma's house playing or at least attempting to play with the piano. I don't know why I can remember that and it may not even be correct, but that's just something I can remember from all those years back. The likes of Franz Klammer had an effect on me, which has stayed with me, oh and of course watching the hockey tourny.

Talking of the hockey, it's good to be watching this years version, it's a major event the Olympic's for the hockey, but throw in the fact it's in Canada, it is almost the biggest event in the games, though everyone outside of Canada would disagree, it's the event that sold out in minutes well over 2 years ago. I do hope Team Canada can win the gold, but of course the big hope is for the 2014 games, is that GB can some how qualify, which would boost the game over here no end.

I suppose that I should say that from the last post I made, things have moved on, upwards of course, and I'm finding my feet again. Similar to the start of this post, I guess I would have to describe my current situation as being a bit grey. Work is ongoing to move back into the light, but I am too sensible to say that I've moved out of the dark area that sent me into the tail spin the other weekend. It takes time, it takes hard work and it takes strength to move away, move into the positive space. I have to take a step away here, and whilst I didn't want to explore myself in this post, I think I want too after writing that. Taking a step back as wrote it, made me examine something. Always on my recovery posts I mention that I want to be happy, I want this idealistic view of where I want to be, I guess we all have that in us. Perhaps though that's where I'm going wrong, what if I'm dreaming too far ahead? dreaming of what can never be? How often have I fallen? How often have I cried? and WHY?

Why is subjective, but writing about moving into the the white away from the black, perhaps struck something within me. What if, the white isn't as far away as I think it is? What is if the grey area that am in, is only a small area? Maybe a look at that, will at least aid me in future situations, which I'm sure I'll hit. I will not move away from the crash and burn way of existing, or I can't forsee that. I think I've accepted that of me, it's not something I'm happy with, but it's been part of me for so long that I don't know if I can move away, don't know if I want too! That's crazy isn't it, but it's almost a comfort blanket, in that I know that to crash and burn does me some good occasionally, as long as I can learn from it. It's when I don't learn, when I don't get anything and continue to burn that I end up in major situations. I should write more I know, I should read this place more, if only to help me. However, it is my area where I can put anything and everything.

Where Am I?

It's just turned 18.15 here and I'm sort of starting to try and work out where I am. That isn't a physical where am I, more a mental where am I? I don't know where I'm up to right now, I've been really good of late and positive of late, but yet probably for the last 2 weeks I've been flying away with things.

I've allowed little things to wind me up, I've allowed things that I have no control over to control me and that's the big highlight that all is not right. Why should I be fretting and being wound up by a computer? Wound up to the point of wanting to hit it, ro smash it to bits? That's where I've been? I just can't settle on much for long right now, no I tell a lie, I can, but I don't know what I want to settle on.

Then I turn to myself, my god dam self. I'm holed up in this flat which as has been said before smaller than a prison cell, trapped with no where to go, no one to see and no one to speak to. I'm hating myself once more, the calm resolve not to hate oneself is back. I hate the way I am, I hate the way I look, think sound smell and hate the way things always conspires against me. Even in the brightest moments I struggle to think of the most positive things ever to go for me in my life, and even they are tempered by others. I['ve done nothing with my life, I've contributed to lots of things and tried to help others, but in return I don't feel as if I've added anything good to the world I roam.

What good am I? I'm unemployable, I've got no real skills, and those I have are surpassed by others. I'll never be able to meet my own perceptions of why we are here, and what we are meant to do. So why should I bother? Well I say that and I haven't even got the bottle to do anything about it even if I wished to do so!! I suck, life sucks........