Tuesday, March 02, 2010

A Journey of Self Research

As I sit knowing that I want to write something, and yet trying to think of a what to write or where to at least begin, I find myself with a smile building across my face. I'm enjoying something, what though? What is it that is that is making me smile? It isn't being sat here, I know that and that isn't anything against writing this post. No, I think it's the music I'm listening too, and it isn't because it was a particularily good song, it was the extended disco version of the Cantina Band music from Star Wars. I think it was the Star Wars reference that I enjoyed.

So perhap that's where I'll start and try and understand why I like Star Wars? I've never done that really. I have to be honest I'm probably seen all six films around a minimum 100 times and certainly the original films well over 200 times each. Why can I sit and watch them and enjoy them so much after so many times? What is it that jumps out when ever I do watch them that I really enjoy? I don't know, I've probably seen loads of better films, but I don't sit down and watch something like Schindlers List over and over like I can with Star Wars. Is it the esacpism, being taken to a place out of reach and one of dreams rather than what we know is reality? I don't know, I really don't, but I do know I enjoy the films and just listening to the song before (I'm now onto Killer Queen from the OST of We Will Rock You), almsot made me go and reach for the Star Wars films and watch them for what would be the first time in 2010.

So things are cool, nothing too much to worry about. Yes I've got to keep trying to shave time off the presentation that I've made for next week, but I'm happy with the way it's going. Having spoken with the tutor yesterday and discussed some of the things that will be touched upon, I'm confident that I can cover what they want and probably end up with the students asking plenty of questions. However, let's see I've got my head around how this should pan out, and just hope it goes to plan.

Apart from that I can't complain much, I'm relaxed, I'm contented and looking at securing the foundations to which I'm standing on, in terms of the contentment. I know my previous attempts haven't been good, but hey I've got to get them right at some point haven't I? I mean I can't always fail, I'm better than that, I know that, others know that. However, I allow the self fullfilling prophecies (I don't care about spelling right now) take over, and when anything does go wrong I allow it to effect me. So what I have to do is try and accept that I have success as well as failure. I think the presentation is a good place to start. I'm so unsure of myself with it, that I've asked 4 people to look at it, and give me feed back, before I even present it. Yes, I'm glad I did have someone look at it, so they were able to point out minor issues, which I can see were issues to correct. However, I guess that I've been so used to failure or negative comments, I don't think I've been able to truely accept that what I've made is OK, no in someone's words good. Perhaps that's why I've asked for a second, third and forth opinion, and that should show me that I lack some self confidence or belief I guess. However, I know the subject, I know what I'm doing and yet I'm still insecure.

What has caused this self confidence? I really don't know. I'm sure that there are some people who may or may not recognise the person I am right now compared to what I was at one point in my life. I was so care free, and prepared to do things that I wouldn't do now without a day or two's thought that I wonder where it all changed. As I completed that sentence I let myself ponder and figured out a possible answer, and I am going to contemplate that answer, as it's probably true, but it needs some self research. Wow, from Star Wars to finding answers withing myself which may or may not help me is quite a little journey. However I have said that I enjoy writing, as I find it helps me solve issues one way or another. This is just another bit of evidence in that for me.

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