Finite

 So it seems the decision is finite I am now just doing admin for the one of the youth work sessions I'm involved in.  I no longer am expected to work as a youth worker for this area which I guess is a huge statement from the manager.  I'm so pissed off by this that I'm plotting my own downfall now, I'm not holding back, I'm openly looking for a new job and whilst I don't like this I'm already prepared to completely leave the youth service right now as now I don't see anyone who can help me in this situation and the amount of anger, frustration and hurt is to imense to carry on even volunteering with the LBGTQ+ groups which I absolutely love working with.  

 

I am writing this in tears, and realising that I've got about 15 minutes to write this and to sort myself out before I've got an online session to work.  I'll compose myself just about, but I'm not sure we'll get anyone as no one has responded to my messages to attend this session and so it might just be myself and a colleague.  I would then be able to switch off quite early and really wallow in my own misery.  I feel sorry for the cousellor that I'm seeing in the morning as I'm way off the scale from where I was last week.  The last two weeks has seen me go from bad to OK, down to fucking miserable and at the point where I'm writing this.  I've also got my GP calling tomorrow over my anti depressants, I asked for a repeat prescription and the surgery called and said I needed a review, so I've ran out of them yesterday.  I was hoping to pick them up today.  

Admin work is something I can do, it's not something I enjoy, it's not something I want to do on a long term basis it drives me crackers.  I hate the tedium of it all, but hey if that's what they want me to do then that's all I'll do.  I won't do anything else what so ever if I'm still in a the job when we return to working in a youth centre.  I'd set a plan for this Friday, which as with all my plans has been blown up in the very first moment, it's unbelievable how many times I plan things and they never work out.  I keep saying I won't plan anything and do and it then fails.  My life is a failure...

Further Away than Ever

 I thought things couldn't get any worse with work, how wrong could I be???  I'm now further away than ever from doing what I want to do, and being able to further myself professionally.  All I want to do is the job I was employed to do, but that now seems like it's a pipe dream I guess my title should change as should my title.  I doubt it ever will, but you there's more chance of that happening than me getting back to where I was.  

Something though has taken place, I have recognised a correlation between how unhappy I am in work to how unhappy I am in life.  The further away from doing what I enjoy the most the more unhappy I become.  The fact that work is something that I enjoy doing means that the further that goes beyond the horizon the darker the hole that I'm in becomes.  To be told last week that I'm essentially becoming a glorified admin worker once more is sending me over the edge once again.  I just don't feel that the team manager supports me, they don't like me and thus I'm the piece of shit that they step on, the thing they can play with like a lion with it's prey and essentially not move forward in my career.  I've become once again the person who'll willing help everyone but themselves, the person that holds the ladders to allow others to climb up the career path further than me.  

This is a position I've been in before, at other points in my life I've happily allowed this to happen as I've been comfortable with this and been happy with what I've been doing.  However, now that I see things repeating and being unhappy with work it's not something I'm happy about.  I know I'm not the best, I know I'm not going to progress, but to not even feel the support to aid you to get to that point is desperate.  I've got leave coming up, and that two weeks should have been about resting and trying to relax and enjoy myself, to enjoy the fact that I've a birthday in that break, however it's going to be spent miserable, depressed and contemplating my future.  I'm not looking forward to the break any more.  

What can I do to change things?  I'm not sure to be honest.  I've tried so many different things of late to change my mood to change what's going on in work, but nothing has altered this.  

 

At this point I should point out that some aspects of work is fine and I have no issues with it, but and it's a huge but, that part of work doesn't involve the work "team" or that's "team's" manager.  Everything connected to the team is causing so much aghast right now that it's painful.  I am struggling with this both mentally and emotionally and don't have anyone to talk to about it, I'm speaking to a councilor but we've hardly had chance to discuss this and it's awfully difficult to do so using What's App, which I am finding I hate more and more.  I want to get rid of the darn thing, but I'm in so many groups that it's really hard to do so.  I could exit the groups I guess, but I'm sure that that may be frowned upon.  I don't care to be honest.

 

More and more I'm disengaging with the "team" and can see the end game coming and I find myself trying to think of ways of advancing it closer.  It's no way to be thinking is it, but it's what I'm doing.  I guess it's a form of self harm, without actually physically attacking myself.  I've not resorted back to doing that yet, but I have felt my mood slip to points where in the past I have considered that and have gone through with that.  I'm slightly better off right now, but not much better if I'm being truthful.