Finite

 So it seems the decision is finite I am now just doing admin for the one of the youth work sessions I'm involved in.  I no longer am expected to work as a youth worker for this area which I guess is a huge statement from the manager.  I'm so pissed off by this that I'm plotting my own downfall now, I'm not holding back, I'm openly looking for a new job and whilst I don't like this I'm already prepared to completely leave the youth service right now as now I don't see anyone who can help me in this situation and the amount of anger, frustration and hurt is to imense to carry on even volunteering with the LBGTQ+ groups which I absolutely love working with.  

 

I am writing this in tears, and realising that I've got about 15 minutes to write this and to sort myself out before I've got an online session to work.  I'll compose myself just about, but I'm not sure we'll get anyone as no one has responded to my messages to attend this session and so it might just be myself and a colleague.  I would then be able to switch off quite early and really wallow in my own misery.  I feel sorry for the cousellor that I'm seeing in the morning as I'm way off the scale from where I was last week.  The last two weeks has seen me go from bad to OK, down to fucking miserable and at the point where I'm writing this.  I've also got my GP calling tomorrow over my anti depressants, I asked for a repeat prescription and the surgery called and said I needed a review, so I've ran out of them yesterday.  I was hoping to pick them up today.  

Admin work is something I can do, it's not something I enjoy, it's not something I want to do on a long term basis it drives me crackers.  I hate the tedium of it all, but hey if that's what they want me to do then that's all I'll do.  I won't do anything else what so ever if I'm still in a the job when we return to working in a youth centre.  I'd set a plan for this Friday, which as with all my plans has been blown up in the very first moment, it's unbelievable how many times I plan things and they never work out.  I keep saying I won't plan anything and do and it then fails.  My life is a failure...