Six Months

 And so things have moved, a meeting has been had and a new start........

I crashed after the last post I was in despair my job seemed beyond redemption and resignation was my only option.  However, since that time wheels have moved and so have I.  I continued to rewrite my resignation letter up till last week.  Since then I've not looked at it, I had two weeks off and some time to think or not think about work as was the case for lots of the time.  I knew I had to leave it alone for a while to clear my head, to give me some room to think about other things and to calm myself down.  It wasn't easy and I don't think I did it well enough to be honest, but I did it enough to have a quiet break and ultra quiet birthday.  The usual suspects sent me cards and birthday wishes, which was nice of them but other than that nothing from my sister I should add, not that I expected anything to be honest.  I spoke with the counselor that I'm seeing about everything, which was good.  Though doing that over what's app is very odd and I don't know if it's the best method to be truthful.  I have to admit that I say things that I, but my facial expressions will tell you the truth and what's app isn't the best tool to see how I'm feeling or if I'm doing what I do best and tell bits of where I'm at, which is enough of a concern but that bit is probably only 5 to 10% of where I'm at.  

Since returning to work I've tried not to think about the situation, but knew I had to as obviously things couldn't go on as they were.  A meeting had to be had and to be honest it wasn't comfortable, I didn't feel totally at ease, what made it worse was the connection at my end of the meeting was a bad, that's the first time that's happened and so that frustrated me somewhat.  Did I convey where I was at in the meeting?  I thought I did, but I don't think it got through, and the responses were almost what I expected.  I was prepared to do as asked, but then things got questioned and ideas flung at me.  A new solution to the problem and so here I am with this new solution.  I'm unsure on how I feel about this if I'm honest with myself.  I feel I'm running away, which goes against my nature, but I've got little fight left in me and so I'm going to have to accept it.  

With that in mind though, I'm going to try and find where I am at with myself in work.  I need to see where my level is right now.  I then need to set myself a target of where I want to be or more so where I expect to be in six months time.  I need to see an improvement in my performance and satisfaction or else the resignation will go in.  I don't care if that is the ultimate running away, I acknowledge I'm on the last chance saloon for myself.  I've got to be realistic and give myself a chance.  I have to set the level I want to reach at a reasonable level, not go over the top, but also set it higher than one or two steps above.  

One other thing that I'm going to have to do is explore why I'm so resistant to positivity to me.  I'm not sure why I can't take praise from anyone?  Why I put myself down so much and so harshly.  I want to think it's always been that way, but it hasn't.  I need to know why I don't believe any praise I get?  Have I got to high standards?  I would hope I have, but that shouldn't prevent me from taking praise even if I haven't reached the standards that I would like.  Where has this acceptance of negativity come from?  Has it come from so many others constantly being negative towards me, seriously or even just jokingly that that has become the norm?  I just don't accept that I do anything well anymore, I used to think I was good at my job, I used to think I was a good person, I never thought I was pretty or nice, but now I probably put myself down even harder on that level more than ever.  Even in the past two days I've slapped myself in conversation when someone has been fractionally nice to me on one occasion and in a totally off the cuff manor.  

Possibly the more I have struggled the more I have allowed myself to be negative with myself, why should I be positive about me if I am not doing well?  Praise of any nature seems fake when it's aimed at me, I'm almost OK with being the dirt on the bottom of the shoe, or should I rephrase that and say that by being in that position means the expectations on me are less then and perhaps then I am trying to establish a false norm for myself one of a poor worker, one who you can't rely on.  Is that part of me trying to sabotage myself?  I know I have been trying to sabotage myself in work, that's almost my instinctive reaction to the situation I was in as I couldn't care less about my position.  I knew that was wrong, but I couldn't stop myself.  

Moving on I've got to some how jump start myself, I've got reignite my passion, my hopes for the future, perhaps those are the targets that I have to reach, the point where they have a heart beat once more as right now they are lying motionless on the floor without a heart beat.  They are close to death, but I'm giving myself six months to bring them back to life, or else I had in my notice, and then have to look in the mirror and ask myself what am I good at?  I don't think anyone that I know has ever given me a suggestion of another career that I may be good at or that I'd like, I don't know what I'm actually good for other than what I do, so let's wait and see where things go....