Wednesday, November 21, 2012


I begin another post less than 2 hours from my previous post and I have to say that I am more than a little concerned to tell you the truth.  Whilst the general apathy towards myself isn't to unusal, and the general dislike and self loathing continues, I am a little more perplexed by my health than I have been over the past week or so.  Yes, it's true that I'm aware that my health isn't great right now, and that I've had to resort to medical help in this time, but it seriously doesn't seem to be abating.  

When I say that, I mean my health isn't improving much and that's a worry.  I associate asthma with a wheezing chest, and it's something till last week that I haven't had, and even now it's not doing so.  It feels like all the crap in me is ging via my throat, and yet I don't have a sore throat either.  I can't quantify the problem and that concerns me.  I sit here feeling that perhaps right now I'm probably worse off than I have been since I got out of hospital last week.  I'm worried about my health, this isn't me.  I'm not one to worry about my health to much, but I don't seem to have the fight to kick what ever out of me and that's more than a little irksome.  

So what next? Well I'm back at my doctors tomorrow for the results of a blood test and to pick up a prescription, if I'm still feeling as bad tomorrow as I am right now, I'm going to mention something and hopefully get an appointment.  I'm at a loss to figure out why all of a sudden this has happened to me, and it is impacting on me.  Whilst no where near as active as I once was, this is curtailing all activities almost and that's possibly not helping me either.  

This is sounding like one of my fabled circles of blame, perhaps it's a good thing? 

Regrets, I have many

It's been a while again, longer than I expected, but I guess I've had an excuse.  The first part of the month was going OK, things were fine.  Then about 2 weeks ago I started to feel a bit unwell.  First my back was sore, then I started to feel as if I was going to get a cold.  That as with so many times of late didn't happen.  However, I did notice that I was some what short of breath whilst out walking, and that I was starting to wheeze a bit at home.  I felt that I could work through it, by having my windows open to kill the germs in my flat and also introducing fesh air into my flat.  This though didn't work, and increasingly over the following week, I found myself using my inhaler more and more.  It didn't help coughing so much to try and clear my airways.  

Then last Monday after a weekend of really pondering my health and knowing my doctors would give me some antibiotics if it didn't clear, I got to just after the doctors closed.  I took a turn for the worse, I was really struggling to catch my breath.  I contacted the health phone line and they were adivising a visit to the hospital, I didn't think it was that bad.  I'm normally in synch with my body and it takes quite a bit to get me to A&E or doctors for that matter.  However, having coughed so much I was sick on Monday I was getting concerned slightly.  I went to bed early, read some of the book I was reading and then went to sleep.  I awoke a couple of hours later, coughing and struggling to breathe, after being sick once more, I got dressed and headed down to the hospital.  

I got to A&E at around 1am, and didn't leave till 6am, by which time I'd been given a course of steroids and been placed on a nebulizer.  It didn't scare in that sense, but it concerned me, as nothing had ever been this bad before, and whilst the family history of chest problems was in my mind, this was a one off as far as I was concerned.  My concern was what had caused the situation, but nothing really came to mind, well none that make sense anyway.  Anyway, since then I've been on the steroids, and now have a steroid inhaler.  I feel fine other wise, but I can hardly walk either, without getting short of breathe, I struggled home last night after having to dash to catch a bus out of Manchester, it was a shocking state of affairs, when I consider that only a couple of weeks ago, walking a mile in 12 to 13 minutes would have been no trouble and wouldn't have left me gasping for oxygen, however that's how it is now.  

All of this has led me to how I feel today, well its contributed.  I spoke last time of how I crashed, and crashed hard whilst out in Manchester.  Today I'm feeling more pensive, and instead of bemoaning my financial situation, I'm being more introverted and aggressive against myself (in a mental way, not physical).  I can see hope, and everything like that, I'm just being ultra negative towards myself and expressing my jealousy of others upon myself.  This leads to a odd mood, and one I find hard to describe.  I can't place it into any category properly.  So it led me to writing in here, and will possibly lead to more posts this week, due to me trying to figure out where I'm at. 

Thursday, November 01, 2012

Slow Month, Low Month

Only 2 posts last month, which this year is the lowest I've added to this blog.  It wasn't as if things didn't happen, they did, it was just that I didn't want to or couldn't be bothered to write anything down.  I do think that this has something to do with my PC at home being so slow, however it is no excuse what so ever.  So tonight, I post this from the library, not because I've got no connection at home, but because I've got a meeting here tonight, and I might as well after some shopping while away the minutes before the meeting here rather than dashing home and back down again.

Last month was probably the lowest I've got all year to be fair, which makes the low post entry strange for me, however I'm feeling lots better right now.  I guess it was down to me being sensible for a change and admitting that I didn't have the money to do what I wanted to do on a certain night.  I was saving for something, which I'd be buying on the Sunday and this was the Friday prior.  I didn't want to spoil the chances of me not being able to afford the item I wanted.  As it so happened, the item I bought wasn't right and I had to return it.  I went and bought a similar item else where for more money as I had enough as it so happened.  However the night that I turned down the chance to go for a meal, really hit home that whilst I can survive on what I'm getting and the word survive is the accurate word, it doesn't afford me the option of the odd special treat, well not a spontanious treat anyway.  I guess it was this along with the fact that I'd gone 10 months or more without a real down turn in moods that I spiralled out of control for a few days.  That's life I guess, however I know that I possibly upset a few people, as I seem to do with the way I deal with things and how I say stupid things, it's the way I am and how I do things.  It was a crazy quick spiral and one that I couldn't seem to stop.  I'm not 100% sure what I did to catch it if I did in honesty.  I'm cheerful enough, but I'm trying to work out if I'm putting that on or it's genuine. 

So what else have I done? Apart from a couple of walks last month, not a lot.  Firstly a walk around Daisy Nook Country Park and surrounding area's and then last weekend, I went around Pendle Hill.  They were great walks and I only wish I'd been able to complete the two laps of Pendle Hill rather than just the one, but that wasn't due to fitness or anything, just unforseen circumstances.  I'm really enjoying walking and rambling, which I guess had you told me many years ago I'd be doing this I'd have laughed at you, oh how things change!!!  However, it is so nice to walk in the countryside, up and down hills, exploring the locality and enjoying the views we find.  I don't know what got me to go in the first place at the start of the year, but I'm glad I did and I think it's safe to say that perhaps this is now another of my many hobbies.