Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Regrets, I have many

It's been a while again, longer than I expected, but I guess I've had an excuse.  The first part of the month was going OK, things were fine.  Then about 2 weeks ago I started to feel a bit unwell.  First my back was sore, then I started to feel as if I was going to get a cold.  That as with so many times of late didn't happen.  However, I did notice that I was some what short of breath whilst out walking, and that I was starting to wheeze a bit at home.  I felt that I could work through it, by having my windows open to kill the germs in my flat and also introducing fesh air into my flat.  This though didn't work, and increasingly over the following week, I found myself using my inhaler more and more.  It didn't help coughing so much to try and clear my airways.  

Then last Monday after a weekend of really pondering my health and knowing my doctors would give me some antibiotics if it didn't clear, I got to just after the doctors closed.  I took a turn for the worse, I was really struggling to catch my breath.  I contacted the health phone line and they were adivising a visit to the hospital, I didn't think it was that bad.  I'm normally in synch with my body and it takes quite a bit to get me to A&E or doctors for that matter.  However, having coughed so much I was sick on Monday I was getting concerned slightly.  I went to bed early, read some of the book I was reading and then went to sleep.  I awoke a couple of hours later, coughing and struggling to breathe, after being sick once more, I got dressed and headed down to the hospital.  

I got to A&E at around 1am, and didn't leave till 6am, by which time I'd been given a course of steroids and been placed on a nebulizer.  It didn't scare in that sense, but it concerned me, as nothing had ever been this bad before, and whilst the family history of chest problems was in my mind, this was a one off as far as I was concerned.  My concern was what had caused the situation, but nothing really came to mind, well none that make sense anyway.  Anyway, since then I've been on the steroids, and now have a steroid inhaler.  I feel fine other wise, but I can hardly walk either, without getting short of breathe, I struggled home last night after having to dash to catch a bus out of Manchester, it was a shocking state of affairs, when I consider that only a couple of weeks ago, walking a mile in 12 to 13 minutes would have been no trouble and wouldn't have left me gasping for oxygen, however that's how it is now.  

All of this has led me to how I feel today, well its contributed.  I spoke last time of how I crashed, and crashed hard whilst out in Manchester.  Today I'm feeling more pensive, and instead of bemoaning my financial situation, I'm being more introverted and aggressive against myself (in a mental way, not physical).  I can see hope, and everything like that, I'm just being ultra negative towards myself and expressing my jealousy of others upon myself.  This leads to a odd mood, and one I find hard to describe.  I can't place it into any category properly.  So it led me to writing in here, and will possibly lead to more posts this week, due to me trying to figure out where I'm at. 

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